Do not quit.

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Never say never.

How is it a possibility that a female not having all those traits is actually a better partner for you? Because if the relationship is based on how similar you two are to each other, it is static. There is no room to grow because to grow means to change somewhat from the blueprint in place when you met. If you want somebody because they mirror your likes and dislikes, they are obliged to always keep those exact same likes and dislikes or leave the relationship. That's not a relationship. That's suspended animation.

Ha ha
I don't know where you get your information, your comment was extremely ignorant, the goths I know are not into
childish cartoons and have higher standards then what your described, personally as a goth girl I wouldn't touch any
of the guys on this site given their immature behavior.

First, oral sex is such a common practice it isn't even considered a kink any longer. The overwhelming majority of people who are having sex include oral sex in their activities - not exactly a scarlet letter, or indicative of someone who is "trash." Second, how does liking South Park factor in to your criteria of declaring a woman to be "trash?" I know plenty of women who enjoy South Park (not every bit of every episode, but there's a lot of laughs there), and not a single one is "trash." I suggest you broaden your criteria - before your willingness to buy into stereotypes allows you to treat any woman with disrespect.

How do you come to that conclusion. I, personally, am not interested in goths or "trailer trash".

And I am sure there are Christians who like the things I like and are not limiting sex to procreational purposes within marriage. I wouldn't date someone who was "easy", and just because I mentioned certain sexual positions doesn't mean that I am looking for a one-night-stand. What I meant was that when a relationship reaches a point where it's ok to be intimate, that the prospective partner will not be closed-minded about such things.

I have a question for you. Why does she have to have the same interests? Isn't the real answer compatible interests? My husband likes backpacking. I don't. But it works out, because we both have a need for solitude, and I do enjoy hearing of his experiences in the wild. We don't read the same sorts of books, but then again, most people don't read a book together, so what does it matter? What is wrong with you watching South Park while she sits next to you reading a book? And so on. You don't HAVE to like the same things.

What you DO want to share is a basic sense of home time v. going out time, awake time v. sleep time (including morning v. night), time together physically close to each other v. time doing your own things, and values when it comes to family / raising children.

People see my husband and I as two peas in a pod and, yet, we are very different. We like different foods (cooking is interesting for that reason), we like different books, we like different activities. But we have the same politics, similar taste in movies, share religion, and have the same outlook on raising our little ones. It works quite well; all the differences are more of a laugh than anything.

Checklists like yours tend to be a subconscious way to avoid relationships while blaming it on something other than preference.

Just think about it. What we want is not always what we need, and there is no time that is more true than when it comes to relationships.

I agree. While I did have a checklist, the things that I was looking for were not unreasonable; non-smoker, non- drinker, etc. But the guy I ended up with had some qualities that I hadn't actually been looking for, but were pleasantly right for me; likes to cook, loves old movies, and was close to my age. I think it is good to leave oneself open to variables, so as to widen the possible selection.

There were a couple of girls who I "ruled out" in college due to either political opinions or feeling we had little in common, and while I may have been right about that after all, I still feel in retrospect that I should have at least tried to ask them out despite our differences. The only reasonable criteria to me is that either you aren't attracted to them, there is absolutely no chemistry (despite your efforts to get to know them) or you have good reason to believe that you can't trust them. I don't believe any of us, especially those without much relationship experiences, are great judges of who would be the right person anyway.

I see, you have a good point. I will give it a try, in fact I think everyone should give it ago.

(South Park is certainly not a childish cartoon )

I've not read all of your replies so I'm sorry if I missed this, but why does she have to be a Christian?

It is actually one of the most childish ones...

In the dating community they often talk of in-field testing. Testing is more important than thinking. Especially for aspies. It also gives you that magic thing called confidence after a while.

What I reacted to in this post, is that you "tried to ask them out". You're thinking way too far ahead of where you should be. Don't ask them out yet, make a connection. A lover is nothing more than a flirty friend whom you get physical with and in a relationship you should also have that special bond. Shared interests and values. Something more than just your friendliness and flirt to keep you together.

It's in my experience pretty much like this: You establish a friendship coupled with an attractive personality from your side. This attractiveness should consist of humor and relaxed confidence. I say relaxed confidence to emphazise that "toughness" and "coolness" just makes you seem not only unconfident, but also needy.

As David Deangelo says; neediness and insecurity are the two most damaging things to you if you want to get girls. Not his precise words. x) Your choice of words indicates both("tried to ask them out").

Watch out for the subtle cues! They're vital!

I'm not quite sure what you read into those words. I don't think asking a girl for her number, or out for a snack or coffee, is all that big a deal. With the girls I spoke of, I thought we had some chemistry regardless of our differences so I probably should have done it before they dated their eventual boyfriends.

Regardless of your experience, I knew plenty of couples who were more or less together within a matter of days or even hours after meeting for the first time. The times I came the closest I ever got to a relationship (i.e. at least getting a girl's number and appearing to catch her interest) each had very little precedent, either people I had briefly chatted with once or twice or people I only just met. It seems like at least some degree of spontaneity is important, though I've never been much of a risk-taker.

Personally I think I come across as confident (perhaps even arrogant), humorous, but not relaxed. I've never been relaxed in my life; I remember when being given a crash course in Yoga I found lying down still on the floor much harder than the stretches, and unlike everyone else my heart rate increased when I had to do it.

Last edited by Hector on 30 Nov 2009, 7:33 am, edited 2 times in total.

What does that involve?