It's Really Not an NT or Aspie Thing....

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No, I'm more like the woman that is a prude but wants a good looking boyfriend because she's attracted to the way his looks make her feel. That's always been me.

If I want to think with my d*ck, I'll wack off. Not everything is about sex. I just like to view beautiful women, clothed or unclothed.

Well....that's not really the point of this thread, though. When you said your ex's behavior was "typical NT" - it hit a nerve with me because she's actually quite atypical - and it helped me crystalize some thoughts about dysfunctional behavior prompted by other threads. I really just wanted to address the difference between being NT and being healthy.

I guess my point is that I'm not looking for an emotionally perfect woman. Her problems were admittedly too much to keep us together...her fear of commitment. It's almost like she lost interest because I got too close for comfort and she decided "I have to end this as soon as possible." After she dumped me and we were hanging out...she had a new reason every time we hung out why she was pissed off at me, and she was completely inaccessible. She thought she wanted to be friends, but when we hung out, we just argued all the time, usually started by her.

Obviously if I were in a relationship with a woman and she acted like this, I would not stay with her, but my point is I guess that as a guy, we aren't analyzing a woman's behavior as much as you have. We see "beautiful face" and want to like her, flaws and all.

Range, there's a huge difference between emotionally perfect and healthy/functional. If you'd like to learn a bit more about how to assess a woman's behavior to determine if she's at least healthy, I've given you a list of references that will help you do that.

We mature when we integrate the knowledge we gain through experience and learning into our thought processes....that's how we're able to avoid repeating the same mistakes and making the same bad choices. But that process of integration isn't automatic, and it isn't mandatory - each of us has to follow our own path.

My problem, and it's my problem admittedly, no one else's, is that I won't even talk to a girl romantically unless I think "I could look at her a year from now and feel the same way about her the way I do now." The reason for that, is, I don't believe in dating for months the way my ex did. I believe, lookswise, you know right away whether or not you like the woman, and if after a couple months the two people still get along, you call it a relationship and make it work. Doesn't mean you're going to move in together or get married, but it means that you're both off the market.

Billy Joel's daughter attempted suicide, the main reason being that she was having relationship issues, said she was sick of dating, and wanted a lasting relationship.

My point being that, I won't be dating a lot of women in my lifetime by choice. The drawback to that is that I won't get to know the inner workings of women, or as much as I should. But I can't help it. When I don't like the visual, there's no reason to talk to the person outside of a non-sexual friendship.

You're talking about attraction, and I'm talking about choosing someone who has the requisite psychological health and coping skills of a good partner. You seem to think the two are mutually exclusive, and admittedly, I don't understand your reasoning.

For most people, it isn't mutually exclusive. I personally, however, have not seen many women in the 30 and under range in my lifetime that I've been attracted to enough to date them. The one I have, she looked and acted older than she was. She was extremely mature for someone who was 24. (I might have mentioned in other threads, this was just a one-time hangout/date...she was on vacation and going back out of state in a week.)

Other than that, I haven't seen many women period in the 26 and under range that did it for me except the flawlessly hot "10" type that I'd just want for a hook-up anyway.

I'm not going to whine, though. I'm still young, and if befriending older women, maybe having a sexusl relationship with them, is the best option, then it isn't a bad option. The other two options, 1.)Doing nothing and complaining or sulking, or 2.)Trying really hard to get one night stands with the 20something "10s", aren't much better.

You might be thinking "How do you know you won't click with one of these 20something 10s? I'm a low-key guy. While I'm above average looking, I'm not a model or an alpha male. I wouldn't be able to handle the amount of attention the woman would get, even if by some chance she didn't embrace the attention.

Part of the reason I liked my ex is that while she was very attractive, we looked like a couple. We didn't look like one of those mismatch couples. We looked like two above average/very attractive people together.

Okay, so the only conclusion I can draw is that you value attraction over character, as in, if you're attracted to someone, you don't much care about character. So good luck with that. Seriously, there's not much else to say but to wish you well in your pursuit.

I think more people are like me than not like me. In fact, I think more people date based on animal lust than even attraction, which is why you see women dating wife-beaters and men cheating with ditzy women i.e. Tiger Woods. To the men that date women purely for character and personality and aren't unfaithful to their girlfriend or wife (whether it be flirting or sexually cheating or even fantasizing to porn, which I consider cheating) and are happy, good for them. And for the women that date the fat guy because he has a great personality, good for them. But I think the reason you see so many people, on here, and in general, even NTs, complaining about the dating scene is because they haven't found someone that is "their type." Most people, even some people on this forum who will go unmentioned, if they really put their mind to it, could have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It just wouldn't be the boyfriend or girlfriend they wanted.

Because our culture is so messed up by a whole bunch of behaviours that operate for the benefit of the ruling elite at the expense of the mental health of the masses? I doubt it's that we commit too early to relationships. I know of many marriages, mine included, where couples got married *after* living together for 10+ years, had children, yet still ended up divorced.

People are complex and at best you'll find a 'tendancy', but not absolute rules.

Dude....you think class warfare is more responsible for the high divorce rate than people's tendency to rush into marriage? I think you're over-reaching.

There's all kinds of interesting info available about why people divorce - I referenced an enlightening book called "The Divorce Culture" - I think you may find it interesting. There's also lots of interesting information about cohabitation and divorce, mainly that cohabitation is not the guarantee of successful marriage that people like to believe it is: "Couples who lived together before marriage tend to divorce early in their marriage. If their marriage last seven years, then their risk for divorce is the same as couples who didn't cohabit before marriage." I'm including the link to the article below, but cohabitation doesn't translate to a lasting marriage:

http://marriage.about.com/od/cohabitati ... bfacts.htm

Look, this thread was not meant to take the place of pre-marital counseling. There are lots of factors that contribute to the success of a marriage, not the least of which is that both partners have to be committed to the marriage. I included some red flags that should alert Aspie men (or any man, for that matter) that a woman is too eager to commit, and therefore not likely to understand the serious nature of commitment or equipped to sustain the commitment of marriage. I'm actually surprised that the idea that couples shouldn't consider engagement prior to dating for a year is controversial.

You did not just mention 12 step. You mentioned issues with parents, sexual abuse or physical abuse in childhood - all kinds of things. Sounds to me like you are just opining away willy-nilly. I'm new here, but I fail to understand why this is sticky'd to the top. Oh well.

Your general point about diversity in people is a good one, but from there your logic could use considerable tightening and seems to simply be your own (very judgmental, and possibly naive) point of view.

I was wondering about that too, considering it is like most threads on here. Just a particular stance.

BetsyRath, you actually mentioned 12-step programs, and I responded to that. You know, I provided several references on this subject (for anyone who's interested in broadening their knowledge base). You certainly don't have to consult those references, but your failure to do that and to then classify the information I've summarized as the result of some type of logic deficiency, and to further attempt to insult me by calling me judgmental and naive is simply inappropriate. (I actually make a very good living applying my analytical skills, so I think the issue might be more about how entrenched your opinions are, and not my ability to perform analysis.)

Since we're teetering on the brink of civility here, I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree. It's clear that I'm not going to persuade you, and I really think we're both fine with that.

0_equals_true, the original post became a sticky - I don't know the process or criteria for that (I didn't request that it become a sticky). If you think it's inappropriate, feel free to contact a moderator.

I never liked the label "neuro typical". I guess on one level that's because it pigeonholes all of my friends as being some kind of "neuro typical" conformists, but on another level it's because as has been mentioned schizophrenics, people with severe bipolar disorder, and BPD (among other things) qualify as NT because NT just means you're not on the autism spectrum. It paints a misleading picture of people who aren't strange in the way most of us here are strange as being perfectly normal.

That said, I feel like I shouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly about women I know. They'd have to really cross the line for me to conclude that they had issues precluding me from dating them if I felt I had a chance. I've shied away from a couple of women who I thought might not have it all together and have come to regret this.

So, do tell me, why do people start dating before they get to know each other? I agree with the statement above, and yet I keep getting blasted for holding to that statement...