How to ask a girl out

Post Reply New Topic

My aunt and uncle (her parents) have confronted him head-on. My point is that a lot of people, NTs especially, would befriend him, then talk about him behind his back. My bigger point is that I think some people on here are too afraid to give the correct advice because they think the poster is too sensitive to hear it. It's a fact of life that unless there's money involved, people date similar people. I'm trying to save the OP the time of dreaming about this girl and the embarrassment of telling her how beautiful she is, and her laughing at him or saying "That's sweet, but my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate that" which is what's likely to occur no matter he says. If she were interested in him, she would have been checking him out in class and he would have known it instinctively.

My point is they picked on me even though I minded my own business and kept my mouth shut and didn't give people a reason to notice me outside of physical quirks that were out of my hands. And my point is, the jock shut his mouth every game after that last year. I'm sure he had things to say about me behind my back, but since I stood up to him, he knew I wasn't an easy target.

What appeared to work with that guy may eventually backfire with someone else. Being bluntly critical creates an uncomfortable atmosphere and people by and large don't want to be around those who make them uncomfortable.

I didn't call him any expletives. I told him that he should play with people his own size.

OK, it could be worse, but it still makes people uncomfortable even if you don't raise your voice or use offensive language.

I don't bother much, me. If women find me attractive, then they do. I do my bit but I try not to get worried about it. Worrying about it leads to predatory behaviour and depression.

What's better for the OP, people to tell him "Go for it. She'll think it's great that some guy she never noticed in class tells her how beautiful she is" or for him to hear what he's doing wrong, so he can take the right steps to improve his life? He admitted he has "intense interests"...does this sound like a girl that he'd be compatible with? Why not talk to another girl that watches Big Bang Theory and plays Warcraft?

lol. Yeah, well, my intense interests are philosophy and music, which I don't think are too bad. Most of my philosophy professors (many which are very quirky) have wives.

But, anyways, my friend looked this girl up on facebook and it turns out she has boyfriend, so there goes that. I should be able to get over it now.

As for being set on one person that draws you in, I don't see how that's creepy. People write songs and poems and books about that kind of stuff. I don't think you have to have asperger's to experience that.

You should have just told me to go for it; the worst that could have happened is that I got rejected. I wish someone would have talked me into asking her months ago when she may not have had a boyfriend.

Oh well...

I do agree that you're better off keeping your prospects open to several different women as long as you don't know that any of them reciprocate. Expand your social circles if necessary until you are interested in a bunch of different women you know (I would go into double figures) and see from time to time in college. Count this girl as one of those women; she hasn't rejected you, and maybe she'll leave her boyfriend at some time in the future and then who knows? I wouldn't hold your breath, but at the same time don't totally rule out a girl from your mind just because she's taken.

Your interests are fine. One of my friends, who can be a bit manipulative at times, once started talking to a cute girl at a party when she asked him what he studied. He studied theoretical physics. He told her that he studied "music and philosophy".

Really hot girls tend to date really hot guys with great social skills. I'm not saying go for someone you think is unattractive, but find someone that might have less "sex appeal" and more going on in the inside. Chances are, even if you had got a date with this girl, you wouldn't have anything in common with her anyway.

In my defense:
- It's one thing to be honest, it's another to be able to go up to a person that you find attractive and start talking to her.
- "Maybe better off sticking to that girl in the math club that doesn't look that great but laughs at your jokes?"
Probably.
- "it IS creepy that you've invested so much time thinking about some woman you don't even know and how to ask her out"
Again, I don't see why this is so creepy, although I'm not saying that it is normal. Read The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot or All the Names by Jose Saramago or listen to songs like She's So Heavy by the Beatles or that one stupid pop song from a few years ago that's about a guy who sees a girl with a guy and wishes he could be with her. That latter is the type of feeling that I have for her.
-"Why not talk to another girl that watches Big Bang Theory and plays Warcraft?"
Yeah, that is the wrong picture of my interests, but, granted, I am different than a lot of people when it comes to interests.
_____
"Chances are, even if you had got a date with this girl, you wouldn't have anything in common with her anyway."
Yeah, I realize this and it sucks. It's not that I only judge people by looks, it's just that I really became taken in by this one girl.

What gives me hope though is that I have a philosophy professor (he's one of the most famous living philosophers and the most influential living philosopher) and I thought for a long time that there was no way he could be married; he was just too weird. But then one day he mentioned his wife in class, and I was amazed that he was married. This gave me a lot of hope. But, then again, he is famous in the world of academia, which I guess helps.
_____
"Expand your social circles if necessary until you are interested in a bunch of different women you know "
Yeah, this is hard for me. I have a hard time getting attracted to someone and once I do, I feel bad for finding anyone else attractive. (In this sense, I guess I really am creepy. But I don't do anything creepy beyond that.)

I'm pretty normal for an Aspie, but I'm weirder than the average person or NT if that makes sense. And every time, in person or online, I've dealt with a "really hot" girl...like top of the line hot, she thought I was weird before I even got to the so-called "weird parts" about me. Really hot women want a guy as socially straight as possible with no quirks. I'm not saying go for a woman you think is completely unattractive, but I'm saying, be more open about what you consider attractive. The women I've dated or fooled around with so far have all been above average looking, but none of them would make playboy or be a runaway model, and that isn't a bad thing. They're more "regular, girl next door cute"...and those women, while still physically attractive (to me anyway) are less likely to judge you for quirks, and likely have quirks of their own (Think Elaine from Seinfeld only younger.)

to the OP -

One would hope you had more interest in her than her looks. If so, I would suggest, sometime when you are thrown together by circumstances - in a class, if you're walking towards the same building, if you happen to be on the same bus - and if you happen to already be in conversation, you might start with "wow, I could use some coffee. I think there's a good place nearby. Would you care to join me?" (or, if you don't know, you could ask her if SHE knows a good place nearby, then ask her if you could buy her a cup for her trouble.)

knowing how to ask a girl out is easy but the question here is knowing ahead of time if she will say yes or not

Just some thoughts that occurred to me as I read this discussion...

Why are people assuming that the woman the original poster wrote about "already knows" she is beautiful, and that the original poster is telling her something she hears all the time?

The saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" comes to mind. Maybe she hasn't met anyone who has told her she is beautiful. It's a sad fact that we often take for granted the good things about the people around us.

I think that the early commenters were giving good advice when they said that this probably shouldn't be the first thing you say to her, though. I think that I would be a bit freaked out if a woman I had never seen before came up to me and said I was hot-- I would be interested, but I would also be nervous and wondering what her real motive was.

Plus, if you haven't talked to her yet, you don't really know her that well in the first place. Maybe you'll find you're not that interested in her after all. Maybe you'll find someone to talk to. Maybe you'll find a friend.

This would work for me. I would be charmed by this. Now - - maybe this is tangential, but I would probably agree to this on charm-factor alone whether I was immediately attracted to you or not, particularly if you were clever or funny in class. So - be open to the idea that she may agree to a drink and not be sure where she's going with it.