Question for the women (NT and Aspie)

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Here, here!

Most of us on here are on the spectrum, and while it's easier for a girl to get a date, it's no easier for a girl to make a relationship last than it is for a guy. Nothing falls in anyone's lap. And besides that, sitting in front of a computer all day is not very interesting to potential partners. Unless you find someone who is similarly addicted, then you can set up your machines next to each other and internet yourselves into oblivion.

I find it creepy and sad when people (men or women), either here or IRL b!tch and moan about their love life or lack thereof but aren''t willing to do anything about it. It's especially creepy when it becomes an issue of "All the women/men suck!" when clearly, the only unchanged variable is the person who hasn't had the relationship. It's not a coincidence.

Not creepy. More interesting, because I don't really understand it.

I have chances with females but I don't find them attractive because of where they've been. For example, there are two beauties in my social network who have both said they love me and asked me out but they've shagged half the guys I know. I think I'm just too much of a jealous person to have a g/f.

I've never even had Aspie guys (who might qualify as 'creepy' in any way shape or form) ever even approach me. Granted there's quite a dearth of aspie guys here, especially in my age group...and I do believe that if there were any in my class, they were so high functioning they didn't register. In any case they didn't pay any attention to me at all.

Being socially inept or even desperate is not as creepy as the guys who blame the fact that they have no relationships on the women they are after.

Women judge them too harshly, women are too materialistic, we are all liars... When in actuality after reading the guy's story it is often that he treated her badly, was too insistent that everything be done his way and acted like her opinions did not matter.

Women are not trophies, we are people.

I'm more creeped out by guys who lie or who are overly-confident around women.
And yes, sometimes their lies are blatantly obvious even to someone like me.
And similar to what Pobodys_Nerfect said - it creeps me out that our society doesn't consist more of people in monogamous relationships. I'm not judging other people's activities - but I don't want to participate in them. From what I've observed it seems that trust is just a joke.
I'm sure there's exceptions - but how would you know?

To me it's creepy to have someone obsess over the idea of having a relationship to the point that they think having a relationship will somehow magically line up everything in their life. I also hate the self proclaimed pity party that people have when they get rejected and make thread after thread about it or when they bash those of the opposite sex for turning them down and act like they are god's gift to this earth.

Same here. Not to mention ones that are so lonely and complain about not having someone, yet they've got certain criteria for their ideal person that no one could ever meet, i.e. they HAVE to like this, they HAVE to want that, they HAVE to look a certain way, etc. Then I see the ones who want instant love, they can't deal with the dating process and think that when they meet someone it's going to be an instant lifelong love and relationship.
Also, my two cents on the ones who complain about the LJBF scenario. News flash: You should be friends with someone you want to be in a relationship with, I know of many people who went through hell because even though they were in love, married, the whole deal, they truly never liked each other.

Nah, I'm not creeped out by it. I've heard that before in person. A lot of times they feel like something is wrong with them or they feel inadequate or ugly in some ways. I was never creeped out by this though. It's common in people who haven't had a girlfriend and a lot of times virgins say how they haven't had sex. I know one that is 16 and I told him that just because he hasn't lost it yet doesn't mean he's a loser or whatever, and it doesn't indicate if you're pretty (personality or physical). He actually said that "He's 16 and has never had sex yet" and to what I said he said but everyone had had sex by now. Idk if he's convinced that just because he hasn't yet doesn't mean something is wrong with him, but whatever. Yeah I can understand atleast why some people complain about how they can't get one. And some have tried to stuff to get one in addition to sulking. In arguments people may bring up "you dont even have a girlfriend, how can you tell me this or that, blah blah." (not to me though, Im a straight female and I can get a boyfriend! lol) But sometimes I think for people saying this it's like they need to be with somebody and if not then people are like nothing without one; they need someone every minute to complete them. I was thinking for a while and in a way they seem pathetic too. Like the main thing in highschool life is that you must have somebody. I'm not saying its unimportant but sometimes people only see or think about if somebody's currently going out with somebody. common questions: "who do you go with?" "who are you going with?" "you *don't* have a girlfriend?"...I hope people understand what I'm trying to say...lol.

I think the question is, why don't more women obsess over our gender? I think part of the answer is a supply and demand issue. There are so many more men looking for sex or dates that women never get desperate.

Also there's the issue that dating and especially sex tend to mean a lot more to women than to men, in terms of the level of liking involved. One poster farther down expressed amazement that men feel that just being a likeable guy means they should get dates or sex. Well, because that's often all us guys need to want sex or a date with a woman. So since us men have a lower standard for sex, we feel more angered when no woman wants to give us any attention, because it seems like less to ask than it does to them. The way it hits them in the opposite direction is that they are somehow amazed when they find out after having sex or dating that we didn't have some kind of deep feelings for them.

So these add up to the situation where having a female body, (almost, not quite) ANY female body, to touch has definite value on its own for most men, even if it might have MORE value if we liked her more. Though it seems that having a male body, (almost) ANY male body, to touch has like zero value for many women. In this lies nearly all the difficulty in relating.



Maybe you are one of the few males (or hey, even females) with AS who has not developed emotional confusion as a result of having AS. I think the attitude comes down to just not understanding hat relationships mean to the general person. I suspect many women are force-fed this, so they have fewer misunderstandings even with AS.

OP: I know that the moment you saw my screaming captain kirk avatar you probably facepalmed, but i think the accused has a right to defend himself here.

Yes, before my previous relationship, I sure did think that a relationship would make everything perfect. But, in hindsight, I now see what that relationship did. No, it didn't make everything perfect. It's completely unreasonable to think otherwise. But what that relationship did do is provide me with a purpose in life, a reason to exist. And, having purpose for the first time in my life, I proceeded to gain the beginnings of self-confidence and motivation. This was back in late october, and I posted less here, because, well, I didn't have any issues i had to vent on for once.

On a side note: sorry, you guys really only see my negative side, which probably means you're getting a much more negative impression of me than you would otherwise get. I only post here if i have personal problems (hence, this is the only forum I post in, because it's the only field that I've had very little success in). I'd go so far as to say i'd bet any of you 50 bucks that if you met me in real life, you wouldn't know that it was me unless I actually connected my real life persona to my image on here (or if I started venting in RL, in which case you'd make the connection immediately).

Anyway, that all came crashing down when she broke up with me and said that she never really loved me, hence, my record of being unlovable is still technically unbroken. I'm back to square one, waiting for another chance to have a purpose in life (if that ever comes). I know the confidence I gained, however short lived, was in fact real, because this past semester I posted the highest grades I've ever had in college (a GPA of 3.4), despite this semester having the most work out of any i've had thus far.

In any case, my ex was still friendly to me after the breakup, and I can't blame her for being gracious enough to at least try, and for that, I thank her. I don't hold any grudges against my ex or any woman for that matter because everything I'm dealing with can only be blamed on me. Me and the crappy hand I got dealt in life.

That would be me . I don't have any skills that women would like. I can fix computers, and I can sing in choirs (not as a soloist though, strangely enough). The fixing computers could possibly get me a well-paying career, but I would never, even in the face of my desperation, let a woman get close to me just because I had money. I want a woman to love me for me, but alas, that seems to be impossible.


Don't become a prostitute... you're not going to help anyone that way, and you're just endangering yourself, not just from disease, but from the nature of your prospective "clientele" as well...

If you want to truly help the emotionally and mentally downtrodden, the best thing you can do is be appreciative to them. If someone like that does anything for you, a simple "thank you" is all you need, even if he is doing something that is expected of him. It may not seem like much, but a little appreciation over a long period of time really adds up. Especially if the guy in question is an aspie, since he will remember all the little acts of kindness and that will really help his confidence in the long run.

@Biostructure, I am shaking my head at your comment: "Well, because that's often all us guys need to want sex or a date with a woman. So since us men have a lower standard for sex, we feel more angered when no woman wants to give us any attention, because it seems like less to ask than it does to them. The way it hits them in the opposite direction is that they are somehow amazed when they find out after having sex or dating that we didn't have some kind of deep feelings for them."

So....your reasoning is that because guys are horny all the time (and - in your view - willing to lay just about anyone), y'all get angry because women aren't horny all the time, and generally not willing to lay just about anyone. And then if you're lucky enough to get laid, you're amazed that said woman is not quite as easy as you'd like her to be, because she'd like to think you actually cared about her (and not just the availability of her vagina)? Oh, and women are "force fed" these attitudes, huh? Not so much....there is a fundamental difference between being the one who impregnates, and the one who is impregnated - that being the one who is impregnated has to make all the decisions, and take the lion's share of the consequences. And if there's no pregnancy involved, there's still STIs to worry about. And the whole idea that you're actually letting someone have total access to your body, which may or may not be an enjoyable experience (usually directly dependent on the skill of the man involved). So, us gals could start giving out all kinds of wild rides to random guys...and then we'd get to deal with the babies, the disease (some incurable), the infertilty....and all for no guaranteed orgasm. I'd suggest you put some time into anger management, because women are not going to change any time soon - and with good reason. You might also put some time into figuring out how to give a woman what she needs, instead of focusing on what you'd like her to give you.

@Toad (and others in similar circumstances) - nobody is going to save you, or validate you, or make your life worth living. I've no doubt you been dealt a crappy hand in life - join the club. No kid asks to be molested, Toad....or beaten, or teased mercilessly, or yelled at, or threatened, or humiliated, or told they're worthless. But it happens every day - to NT kids and kids on the spectrum alike. And those kids grow up, and they become tortured adults who feel depressed and unloved and unworthy and unwelcome - NT and Aspie alike. They earned a break, and if you believe in karma, you've got to believe that those people are owed a solid - somebody should save them. But nobody does. And it's not fair. The ugly truth is that you have to save yourself - likely with the help of a good therapist, shrink, medical doctor, holistic healer, 12-step program, personal trainer, etc. - but you have to do the work. Make no mistake - you can spend the rest of your life waiting for someone else to save you. People die doing that every day. But the only outcome that strategy will achieve is a wasted life. It would be a shame for that to happen to you.

@Others....I realize the irony - I'm actually going to tell people who have issues with empathy to try to be a little more charitable - how screwed up is that? But wherever you are on the spectrum, try to remember that your situation could actually be worse. Where would you be without a family or friend that cared (and intervened)? How would your life be different if your symptoms were more profound? What would it be like to have a more profound (non-spectrum) disability? If you're attractive, try to be grateful for that (cause that's mostly the genetic luck of the draw). Yes, it can be tiresome to listen to people complain about the same stuff over and over.....but some folks on the spectrum have problems being flexible...so they can't just immediately accept the advice that's offered. Some people have issues with maturity....it's very difficult for them to integrate life experience into their personal perspective. Some people have more to deal with than AS. And sometimes your solution just isn't a good fit for the poster. So try to be a little patient....a poster's ability to process your advice and act on it really isn't a reflection on you - it's really about the poster's capabilities.

I just don't understand how whining is tolerated yet people get warnings for giving constructive criticism. I'm not a malicious guy. I don't wish any harm on the desperate guys on this site. But there's a difference between "tough love" and "harassment." Coddling has never worked. That's what family is for, and even then, it's unhealthy for a family member to be a co-dependent. Only by being told "You're doing this wrong" is the person going to learn that they have to change.

The problem is, unfortunately, like Hope said, some lack the maturity or emotional fortitude to change. In a way, like I said, I feel bad for them, but in a way, they're choosing not to get the help they need.

It's up to them. They can whine a board that refuses to ban them, or they can get the professional help they need.

I think it's harder for guy aspies to meet women than vice versa, and I feel for them.

I'm a guy with Aspergers who a few years ago couldn't even look a woman in the eye, and tonight I had a date with an attractive 30something year old woman and was able to talk to her without any stuttering, awkward pauses, or lack of eye contact for 90 minutes. It's a matter of dedication. You have to want it bad enough.

The stuttering and stammering has been a HUGE turn on for me in the past.