I'm Dumb. Is she just being nice?

Post Reply New Topic

Oh my lord, your description of her behavior gave me MASSIVE deja vu. You could absolutely have been describing me 6 years ago.

I was married, desperately unhappy, feeling trapped and not knowing at all what to do about it. He didn't beat me, call me names or cheat on me....so I didn't feel like I was entitled to the unhappiness I felt. I thought I should be grateful for just finding a man who was faithful and not cruel.

So I acted just like your waitress. There was a guy I was attracted to, so I really pushed the limits of appropriate. The flirting was over the top...but I told myself that I was "safe" because I never tried to hide that I was married. In retrospect, I see how awful this was, that if nothing else, I owed it to my then husband to at least give him a clean break. But at the time I was so miserable and confused that I wasn't seeing things clearly.

Anyway, while it's not certain, I think it's worth considering that she might being trying to figure out her own feelings: about you, about him, about herself. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to just be open and available as a friend, and if more happens, more happens. And if you have other opportunities come your way, by all means pursue them, because you're clearly getting no guarantee from her.

Wow, this is the exact hypothesis I arrived at. After reading through her blog, I noticed that she has been with him for four years. She mentions a two year anniversary(two years ago, obviously), and always seems excited to talk about him; but then, all of her posts afterwards seem "different." She is really about traveling whenever she gets the chance, and I think me bringing up that's what I love to do, really got her attention(subject of the majority of our conversations). Especially since I plan on pretty much picking up and leaving this summer.

You mentioned pushing the limits of appropriate, and flirting over the top. What exactly did you do, if you don't mind me asking? I'm really curious about your response. On one hand, it validates what I suspect, but on the other, it may only be validating to me because subconciously, this is exactly the answer I'm LOOKING for. I do, however, agree I should just be open and available as a friend, and deal with it as it comes, as suggested.

It was a lot of the stuff you've already mentioned. Sitting so close that our bodies would be touching, rubbing his arm, unnessecary facial touching (he had a rather tremendous beard that just begged to be petted), asking for/offering back and neck rubs. Going out of my way to be in his company. In addition to just generally flirtatious talk.

Looking back, he gets a lot of credit for helping me make the final decision to end the marriage, because he offered me a contrast to see how good I COULD feel with someone compared to how bad I did feel. We didn't end up together in the end (his choice...I suppose the immediately post marriage thing is a lot of baggage in a girlfriend), but when I think of him now, it's with nothing but gratitude, because of how much he helped me reorient my perspective and adjust my priorities. So now, when I look at my current husband, my heart still goes pitter pat.

You know, when I first read your update, I kinda thought this girl might have mentioned her bf to you out of habit conversationally (because she has one), and not because she wanted to scare you off. I'm just sayin...four years and no ring? I'd consider that practically available.

I think you should still consider the after-hours club. With the exchange of blogs and phone numbers, you two are kinda at a different level already. Why not suggest going to the club the next time you shut down the restaurant?

LOL, I remember thinking to myself; "If she finds a reason to touch my face, or asks for a back/shoulder rub, I know for sure!" Who am I kidding? She could plant one on me, and I would still wonder, "is she just being friendly?" Well, maybe not that bad. It's rather amusing watching the restaurant while we're there. It's like she COMPLETELY forgets she has other tables to attend to, and even her co-workers seemed to have gotten pretty annoyed with her at the end of the night, due to her lack of help cleaning up(hence my comments about her getting fired). I would offer a gift of sorrow relating to your experience, but it seems things ended up working out extraordinarily for you.



Ahhh...HopeGrows, I was hoping you would find me I find your posts incredibly coherent, intelligent, and satisfying. Alright, enough flattery Yes, she has only brought him up as a casual part of conversation specifically related to the subject being discussed at the moment(which has only been 3 times, maybe?). I had similar thoughts about not being married for four years. It appears by her blog, and conversations, that things are rather stagnant. I get the distinct feeling from her that she is craving great adventure, but can't pull it off now. You really think the information exchange has brought things to another level? I suppose if I'm feeling it some night, I will ask her if she wants to take off afterwards. Just like I kept thinking about asking for her number multiple Fridays, but it finally just "felt right" to ask.

So I feel I must ask you wonderful ladies; Do you really consider it flirting, leaning up against a man so you can touch him? I suppose you could always pull away apologetically if you didn't mean it. I just can't comprehend how I could be the object of someones affection who is already involved...then again, that's how I met my ex. DOH! That was slightly different, though.

Well, I can only honestly speak for myself (Hope seems to have some background in Psychology, but I only took 101 as a core requirement), but for ME, prolonged physical contact is HUGE. I mean, I might lean on a guy I just feel friendly towards if we have been friends for a really long time (think years), but someone I just met? No way. If I'm draping myself on someone I've known a few weeks, there's metaphoical smoke pouring out my...ears.

Hi ASMJT....I did actually wonder how things were going with you, but I didn't want to ask cause I thought if things hadn't gone well, I'd just be rubbing salt in the wound. But no wound here! (Oh, and thanks for the compliment - very nice of you to notice. )

I really do think the information exchange has brought you to a new level with this girl. The two of you now have broadened your "world" a little bit, right? Your world now includes her blog, and her world now includes your phone number.

You also really can't underestimate her perspective here, too. And by that I mean I'm sure she doesn't realize you're Aspie. She just thinks you're that cute, nice, shy, etc. guy. She does seem to have been flirting with you pretty obviously. So you can't rule out the possibility that she's thinking, "For real, dude - what's a girl got to do to get your attention?" It's possible she's interpreting your lack of "a move" to indicate a lack of romantic interest in her. Like most women, she's probably not comfortable making the first move, so she's doing "the dance" with you - but you haven't responded the way most guys might. But you still seem to like her so much, and you get along so well, and you reciprocate her physical affection, and you're asking for her phone number - you seem to be conveying all the signs of attraction, but haven't actually asked her out....so she may be as perplexed as you are!

In answer to your question, unless I'm fainting or being herded into a confined space at gunpoint, I don't unintentionally lean up against a man. Of course, her physical affection doesn't equal a greenlight to grope her - but I'm sure you know that. It does indicate interest, though. Keep in mind her situation is a little complicated, but she hasn't lied to you about it - so she seems like a decent girl. Also keep in mind that people stay in relationships past the point they should on a regular basis. Sometimes it just takes meeting someone new to remind you how great a relationship with the right person can be.

So look, you're gonna have to bite the bullet and talk to the lady. Next time you all shut down the restaurant, ask her to go to the after-hours place (even if the only after-hours place is Denny's - just don't ask her to go to your house or anything - too creepy). Use that opportunity to tell her that you really like her, that you understand that she has a bf, that you don't want to do anything she'd consider "out of line" because she has a bf, but you'd like to take her out. If she says yes, have a plan ready to propose for the next evening - something specific. Using that approach, if there has been any kind of mis-communication, you've given her the perfect out - she has a bf. I'd be surprised if she's not receptive, though. She really does seem to like you. Let us know how it goes.

LOL, but yes, listen to the lady. We know our space and comfort zone, and letting you in that with intent is a very good sign. Good luck!

You always make me laugh Kitten, and you appreciate my humor - thanks. (Although I tend to think of you as "KittyGirl" because my daughter has created a super-hero named KittyGirl, and writes adventure stories about her. As you may have guessed, KittyGirl is part kitty - ears and tail - but mostly girl. I've got one funny kid.)

Aw, thanks. What's not to appreciate--you're a sharp cookie. Perhaps we can start a mutual fan club? A *Superhero* fan club. I can do Superhero. I bet your daughter can come up with an alter ego for mom, too. MiracleGrow?

MiracleGrow - that's too funny.

KittyGirl has special night vision (not kidding - that is one of her super powers, as described by my little one), and her tale is prehensile. Now what would MiracleGrow's super powers be like? The super awesome power of fertilization? Hmm....might be a bit risky, considering the source of that awesome power. Maybe spongey - with super absorption powers? Is there a caretaking super power? I'd be equipped with a giant blanket and a mug of hot tea? See....this is why the kid is the creative in this family.

I would not want my SO to act as such with members of the opposite sex (same sex too...to be fair, lol), nor would I do so if I were involved with someone. Something to consider, even if she is interested in you and the thing with the other guy ends... She'll probably behave around other guys like this (maybe not). So, if it bothers you that she may do this with other people, then you may not want to pursue anything.

Plus, just as the one poster mentioned that a guy receptive to this behavior helped her reevaluate her ex-marriage... I personally would not want to feel that I helped end a marriage, regardless of its state.

@Sedaka - The girl in question isn't married. She's just dating a guy (I don't believe they're even living together), but definitely no engagement, no commitment. The OP's not doing anything immoral.

I don't mean to sound cynical or anything, but some women are very flirty in their manner.
I've known people who had boyfriends do this to every guy they meet, or just to one guy they meet, and sometimes end up cheating on their boyfriends with them.

I could be completely wrong, but be careful. Its not common for women in relationships to randomly call single guys.

Either way, from you posts you sound like a decent guy and i'm sure if this ends up not working, you will eventually make someone very happy.

If it were me, I would just stare at her bottom and wait until she gives me the 'look' (the droop), then I'd kiss her and squeeze her bottom at the same time.

lol, I'm a fairly resilient fellow and tend not to sulk, so no worries



The more I think about it, there are more parrallels to this situation compared to how I met my ex. She had been dating the guy for 5 years, wasn't happy with things, we frequently spent time together for a few months, it was actually LESS physically flirtascious, and look how it turned out.



Id est, my previous relationship. Yeah, I don't see myself starting to "grope" any women anytime soon I have significant respect for everyones personal space, and always have. I can only imagine how some people may think how comical it is reading my posts. "It's not complicated, dumby! Stop analyzing this like an experiment and start DOING something!"



Ohhhh, boy. You seem to be indicating social initiative on my part. That's a big order, but, I do agree wholeheartedly with you. Honesty has always been my personal best policy, regardless of the perceived circumstances(it always works out the way it should in the end, even if you don't understand at the time). I'll try to keep my update punctual this time.



Actually, my ex was very friendly with everyone, and it does not bother me. I am not a jealous man. If you believe you would be happier with someone else(or nobody else for that matter), then by all means, take your wings and fly. I just ask for honesty in return. I surmise we take our relationships a little too personally, and seriously. They exist to learn more about ourselves, and each other. More importantly, it teaches us how to be more accepting and truely love someone. I can honestly examine every serious relationship I have had(which isn't very many, lol), and can see in the individual involved what I lacked mentally, socially, and spiritually. Once I learned, understood, and accepted this fact, I would notice the relationship would naturally grow apart. I know I went WAY off topic with my reply, so I apologize. Anyhow, I digress...



Or you could be completely right, and justified in your response. It's a reality I definitely have to consider. I know the type of women you refer to, and she does not seem to fit this persona, otherwise I would have ran off a while ago. An important footnote worth mentioning; the first night I met her, she acted like any average server. Short, to the point, and no conversation. For some reason, I decided to ask her about a song playing(which is not like me AT ALL, read: introverted), and the conversation just exploded from there. Especially when traveling came up.



Thank you hale_bopp, I appreciate that very much. I don't seek out relationships, only proceed with due opportunity. If I end up being alone, that's just fine. It only means it is what is best for me