hopeless wrote:
It seems that so many would have me just give up, either because of my own expectations and apparent flaws, or because they think that my girl just can't be loved.
Although Hopegrows’ description of codependent love addicts kind of fits me in that I am not willing to give up so easily and am hoping or a better future, I don’t see that as a bad thing… I do not see my girl as “emotionally unavailable”, nor do I feel that I am being abused, neglected, or whatever. In the old days, I would simply be referred to as a romantic.
That's because in the old days, we didn't understand codependence, so people labeled this behavior being "lovesick" or "romantic" or whatever. In the old days, we also thought people who were mentally ill were demon-possessed. Kinda glad we're no longer in those good old days, huh? Ever listen to a woman talk about the beatings her abusive husband has delivered? You know...you can counsel a woman in that situation to leave, you can provide the resources for her to leave, you can show her the pattern of escalation in the violence, you can tell her you're worried she's going to be killed. Want to know the number one reason women in that situation give for not leaving? "I love him." People can label a lot of things love - it doesn't mean that's what it is.
hopeless wrote:
There is no way for me to say this without sounding obsessive. It’s not like she is the only person I have ever dated, had a relationship with, or slept with. She is something more, and I still hope that she is the last person I will ever have to date.
I have mentioned before that I am easily satisfied. I don’t have any expectations of her to “understand me”, and I don’t freak out about things going on in my life. I am secure in my own life, career, etc. I don’t come home at the end of the day to unload all my problems on her. The worst of my issues fades away just being in her presence, and there is nothing so horrible in life that would make me want to jeopardize my relationship with her.
Aside from occasionally asking her how she feels, or what she is thinking, the biggest thing I have asked of her is to use her eye for color to help me pick paint colors for my house. I hope that she is not frustrated by what she perceives as high expectations of her, but I wil be mindful of the possibility.
You says she's something "more" - and she is. She's a woman who's unable to verbalize her feelings, or to deal with the stress of an intimate relationship....so she binge drinks and isolates. Using alcohol as an alternative to coping skills isn't exactly a novel idea - but it's a universally bad one.
Obviously, saying that you hope this girl is the last one you'll ever date indicates clearly that your goal is to marry her. Unfortunately, that means that you're not allowing the reality of who she is to dissuade you from the happy ending you've got all worked out in your head. You've stated - in more than one way - that you're willing to sacrifice anything in order to make this relationship work. Unfortunately, I have a feeling you're willingness to sacrifice everything is going to be put to the test.
You say you don't need her to understand you? Seriously, you don't? You want to marry this girl, and you don't need her to understand you? Exactly why is that? Because you're not worth understanding? You're doing all this caretaking and wearing out all of your kid gloves on her, and the only thing you've asked her to do for you is look at some paint chips? Your statements detailing the endless ways in which you're willing to subjugate your needs for this relationship are nothing short of stunning.
I'm sorry - there's nothing noble or romantic about what you're doing. IMO, you're incapable of achieving true emotional intimacy with another person, so you've subconsciously chosen a partner who is incapable of providing it. Problem is, you don't accept that you can't have an emotionally intimate relationship, so you're consciously pursuing all the trappings of an intimate relationship - with a woman who can't give you what you consciously desire. If only you could make yourself not want an emotionally intimate relationship - but you can't. Because the overwhelming majority of people on this planet are not built to go through life alone. Your best option is to do the work to make yourself capable of achieving intimacy, and then choose a healthy partner. Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to go through absolute agony before you're ready to do that. Good luck.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
17 Feb 2010, 6:42 pm
