Is it better to follow my heart or my head?

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Lene said:

Perhaps I didn't understand you - I thought that you meant how sometimes these feelings are illusions. Like when you break up, and after sometime, you think only about the good things.

Anyway, if she doesn't feel "enough" heartbreak right now - perhaps it's better to give another chance, if it will clarify for them that it doesn't work?


Fair play, you did mention this.


I have no experience - when I really like someone we don't date in the first place... So I'll take your word for it
(Only happened to me regarding another relationship, but nevermind)


Sharing your story is fair, and as you said, you did mention it's yours... I just wanted to show another possible perspective, not disrespecting yours.

To me, he sounds jealous because he cares, and not understanding things correctly. That's definitely not healthy. His jealousy is no right to treat her like this. But if he's sorry, doesn't he deserve a second chance, perhaps?
However, she said they did love each other, if I understand correctly. So why throw it away, if you can try and fix it?


You are 100% right. Sorry if I was understood otherwise. Your comment was fair, I tried to show another possible explanation. Not blaming you for anything, as you said - you mentioned "it may be biased". Fair play to you, sorry if was understood as saying your "overly" pessimistic. You aren't. You just told your story, you did nothing wrong.
I just displayed my more optimistic interpretation (maybe less realistic) - hope you don't take it personal, it shouldn't be

Go to a quiet and comfortable place where you can close your eyes and meditate. Once you feel calm and relatively centered, imagine yourself in the mind of the YOU that will be thirty years from now - you don't need detailed pictures, just allow yourself to become one with the person you are in that seemingly distant future.


Is this fellow still a part of your life there? Do you have children or grandchildren together? Are you safe and comfortable and content with your life?


I realize this all sounds very mystical, but its not. You're reacting now out of emotion, which is creating a false sense of immediacy. Emotion is not your true heart. Your true heart knows, and can tell you if you listen calmly, whether this is really a match for you in the long term. Passion makes for great sex, but it also makes suicide bombers.

Alas, I know too well the conviction of addiction - that its better to suffer with, than to ache without. A flame that burns that brightly burns very hot, but usually not very long.

Still...sometimes the agony, in the long run, is worth the memories.

Best wishes.

Do you really think you can tell what will happen next? Shouldn't we sometimes just live the moment? The girl's only 18...

One thing I learned in my life, is that I can never tell what place I will be heading. My life direction twisted so much, and keeps twisting. So I keep leading my life in my direction, and then changing it dramatically, and I learn from everything I see. I liked languages, I studied linguistics, got to neurolinguistics, got interested in my conditions, and now I want to study neurology. If you would tell me that 3 years ago, that would sound crazy, for me.

If people this age don't know what they will study, how can they know how comfortable they will be with their partner in 30 years? You yourself can change so much...

Now, I have the tendency myself to think about the future, but I'm not sure it's healthy in this age. Even if she doesn't marry him, the girl has enough time to meet another guy... At 18 y/o you shouldn't think about marriage (although I happen to do).

I'd move on personally. Sometimes, your heart can screw with your head.

maybe you need some outside help, like couples therapy. Willingness to 'work through' the stuff and change it could really make a difference, if you both have it. I think sometimes it takes a few breakups and reconciliations before you know for sure what is going on and if it is worth saving. You mentioned your parents and I kind of wonder if this is because there is abuse going on, if they don't even want you to meet him. If there is, the abusive relationshship becomes like a drug (that being adrenaline) and you might just be in withdrawal from that. Only you know. It's different with abusive relationships than just missing someone, there is almost a chemical withdrawal that goes on because of the intensity of emotion that happens when the people are interacting. If not, and you guys keep running into obstacles with your relating to each other, therapy maybe the only thing that changes it, and both parties have to be willing to do the work

There is no abuse going on. no physical abuse anyway. They just can only see the negative, and they dont think hes right for me, and think i can do better. And they dont like the way he has treated me.
Personally i dont think they have the right to control my life and decide what is best for me.
xxxxxxx

Any nearly all situations where you're force to decide between 'heart and head,' the right answer is to follow your head.

Your heart sabotages what your heart desires. It NEEDS moderation. You will be happier in the long run trusting your head.

If your heart and head are out of sync, you will always have trouble and doubt. You need both to be in sync to feel fullfilled in a relationship.

So, if you disagree with your family, does that mean you still want to get back together with him? If that's what you want, then go for it! It is entirely your choice.

(btw; thanks Omerick for your response. I don't take anything personally! )

It doesnt necessory mean i want to get back with him , since im not sure if thts the best most realistic decision. however, i dont think they should have the right to decide for me.
xxxx

That's fair enough. What would you say their reasons are for disapproving of your relationship? Do you think they are justified?

I believe I said precisely that:



I was only 19 when I played out this scene (the first time) - why would I tell her to sit it out? Everybody's gotta suffer, might as well enjoy the drama.




Yes, actually, I do. And when you've lived more than twice as long as you have already, you, too, will be able to predict with precise accuracy what will happen when others make choices that you've made repeatedly yourself. People are not as different and unique as they like to think they are, and romance has been around plenty long enough for every possible scenario to have been played out a billion times over. I'm not stupid enough to believe that this situation is going to turn out any differently than it did the first thousand times I, or any number of my friends went through it. It's as predictable as Groundhog Day.

Kids roll their eyes at their parents because someone that old couldn't possibly imagine what a young person today could be going through.

Parents roll their eyes at their kids because they recognize exactly what's happening and can't believe their kids are dumb enough to do the same stupid sh*t they did.

It's human nature, part of our internal program.

Program! Get yourself a program! Ya can't tell the players without a program!

It sounds to me as though you have an "all or nothing" relationship, which isn't uncommon for Aspies. You're trying too hard.

Try to find a compromise position where you have time together AND time apart built into your relationship. Being with someone 24/7 can be very stressful and lead to burnout. Having some time apart helps you to recover and to retain some perspective. Plus if they go away for a while you'll miss them, and remember all the things you like about them, and be happy when they come back. Much as you are feeling now.

Have tried both and has definitely been better for me following my head. Your heart can lie to you, make you believe crazy things, but logic is infallible. Politicians and Lawyers manipulate people's hearts to gain their own ends. Only by looking at things objectively can you see clearly. Bottom line is use your head becuase it works.

Firstly you cannot follow either your heart or your head.
Secondly, your heart has very little influence on your emotions.

Your emotions are controlled by your brain.
Also, it is highly unlikely that you will do things noticeably differently from last time, because (as Willard has noted) people only have a few sets of responses and they hardly ever change much, if at all.
I do not think it would be a good idea to start another relationship with him.
But I do not know anything about romantic relationships and as of yet, feel very little desire to have them.

Don't do it. It will end badly. Trust me.