Planning to do stuff with a girl

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I find that I fluctuate between "this is it" and "this is not it". One time, I can be really positive and think that it is going really well with someone. I then explore possible advancements to progress the relationship. Then, all of a sudden, when I think things are going so well, I take a knock back to a state where I feel nothing has really went well after all. I feel like I have no chance and miss out on opportunities that I later realise were there. It's like trying to fit together two magnets with the same polar end. They connect at one end and also the other end, but you can't make it work in the middle. Ok, strange analogy, I know. But hopefully, you get the idea.

I think this may have something to do the fact that I struggle to judge whether or not they are enjoying my company and, well, attracted to me. When I get it wrong, I think, "Now, I must be more wary next time," or, "Now, I must let myself believe this could be true next time." Is this common with people with AS? The part about knowing how someone feels about you, I mean.

Actually, it's common among everyone who very self-conscious, and gets hung up on what others think about them. This bit isn't about AS.
The goal is to stop caring quite so much what others think. It's still fine and good to care, of course, but by being so highly, overly self-conscious, men tend to self-destruct around ladies they like. It works in a very subtle way, but when a guy is overly self-conscious, it tends to keep people from becoming completely comfortable - or even frustrated - around them.

You become less self-conscious by knowing that you have an intrinsic, dependably attractive quality of character. If you know you're a good/interesting/fun/etc person, whose company people would enjoy, then you'll feel less self-conscious. It doesn't make you oblivious to everyone's opinion of you, nor is that the goal. But by having faith in your quality of character, someone's judgment of you does not send you into a downward spiral of woe - It's just one person whose opinion doesn't reflect everyone else. And moreover, perhaps they're simply wrong?.

Therefore, one way of helping yourself become more at-ease, and less self-conscious is(once again) to focus on helping yourself grow. Self improvement, self affirmation, doing new things, achieving goals, finding things you're proud of, doing difficult things, earning hard won victories, fixing things you don't like, emphasizing the things you do like, be around people who appreciate you, get some sun & exercise (because they both affect mood), appreciate the little stuff and be thankful, etc etc etc.

Doing those things helps you appreciate yourself, and allows others see your intrinsic quality easier. After doing sort of stuff for some time - say, 2 years - your perspective will be far different. Your mood wont be quite so fickle, one person's negative view of you(whether she's cute or not) is not enough to utterly freak you out, and people will be more likely to enjoy your company and seek to be around you. Once you've established so many good things about you, and your life, then the outcome of one date ceases to be a big deal in the big picture. It's a cycle with positive-feedback that maintains itself fairly easily, once you get on-track.

That makes sense. Thank you.

This is a totally different world to me and I think I have a lot of work to do. Infact, I don't really know where to start. I guess I need to be patient and hold off on the relationship stuff until I sort my life out. Shame you can't wear a sign, "I'm not dating just now," so you won't get into awkward situations. That's why that girl always has me to know to come back to for whatever her sick game is because she knows I'll always take a chance laid out for me.

Since you've mentioned it again, I gotta again mention that you've gotta let go of that bitterness. She drifted away possibly because she simply didn't feel all that into you. This occurred because either you came off awkward, which is not her fault. And she cannot control those kinds of feelings any more than anyone can control who they're attracted to. I'm not saying you should beat yourself up... Not at all. It simply is what it is.

And you can even take it as a good thing because perhaps it'll allow you to gain important insights. Insights which allow you to grow significantly and become even more awesome than you already are. In that case, I'd say it's a pretty good outcome.

I offer myself for comparison. When I was between 18-20, I had (...somehow....) gotten into my first relationship with a really cool, cute girl(who melts my heart to this day). However, it went very sour, and we broke up. At first I was quite unhappy with her. But later, after being shown the pattern of my behavior, and the effect it had on the relationship, and being illustrated how she(or anyone) would've reacted to my behavior, I came to realize that losing her was necessary for me to take the next steps in becoming a bigger man. A person that other can people appreciate more easily than before, and perhaps a better person overall. So my ex, in large part, gifted me that.

Keep that in mind. It didn't work out for you here, but perhaps it's a good thing if you turn it into something greater.

Okay... so, as for stuff you can do, that's kinda beyond my scope to be specific about. You've got some very generalized ideas.. If you can think of a specific question, I'll try to help as best I can...
Yesterday, I stumbled across a link that's pretty good, and might help -
http://www.succeedsocially.com/
Him and I disagree on one minor thing - I put more weight on what this guy refers to as 'the indirect approach,' whereas he focuses on the specifics of making direct alterations to your social behavior. I suggest giving it a browse. Pay attention to what you like, toss out what you don't like. The big point is that you already are starting to see the larger picture, so you pretty much can't help but improve from here, so long as you put in persistent effort.

'Gratz.

Thanks again for this. I have made it into a positive thing. The only other thing is, she will probably get back into contact with me again when she feels lonely and fails with another boy. You know what I'm going to do next time? Tell her I couldn't reply because I was on a date. I can't let her keep trying because it isn't going to work.

Thanks for this link. I had to read the page "Read This If This Site Makes You Feel Discouraged", but I understand why I read it. A lot of the things sound very difficult. I think it's a case of trying a hint of each tactic and finding which is easiest before moving on to little steps forward. My life has almost grind to a halt right now and I have so many things to change and decisions to make.

If it seems hard, it's because it IS hard. ><
But it's doable.

And you're right: Focus on the little things, do what can be easiest done first. Don't bite off more than you can chew(but keep biting). The thing about improving in this area, you don't need to reach goals to benefit. Small, seemingly insignificant improvements help your mood, and keep you motivated. It's all about keeping that positive momentum. That motivation and the good vibes feed on itself in multiple different ways. If you can keep up that motivation and momentum, if you keep taking steps(no matter how small), then your success is already assured.