Best Friend Was an Aspie Girl - She Hates Me Now

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Where does it say that he lied about liking her friend? The OP and the girl in question were friends, with some attraction between them. He talked about his attraction to another person -as well- to this girl, which appears to have offended her and left her devoid of desire to pursue a friendship or relationship with him. You are making an inference that I am not finding evidence to support.


M.

If you like someone, but feel that it isn't reciprocated, then sooner or later your heart will move on. What's the point in chasing the impossible?

So you liked her, but thought it wasn't going anywhere, and eventually you wondered if maybe you liked her friend too. Fair enough.

I really don't get the hypocrisy of people here who blame you for saying that. As far as you were aware, she wasn't bothered, and you had decided to move on. This seems reasonable to me.

You then found out that she WAS interested in you, and decided to be honest about your feelings in exchange. Again, fair enough.

Would the smug experts here rather you had lied? Either by telling her you weren't interested when you were, or that you weren't latterly interested in her friend as a second option, even though you were?

Love isn't absolute, it's a numbers game. And the person you will stay with is the person who lets you be yourself, and gives you time to explain yourself, and will talk things through and, if necessary, forgive.

Aspies are easily hurt. Write her a letter and explain EXACTLY what you mean, and how things have ended up this way. And after that, if she won't compromise (which is, I'm afraid, quite likely), you're best off walking away. She is expecting too much. She's not really in a position to complain about your percieved dishonesty when she hasn't been honest with you either. The words "drama queen" spring rapidly to mind.

If you actually read his post, he said he was in love with her. If you are in love with someone, you don't like their friend. The way I see it is he only said that to try and hurt her or get a reaction out of her to find out if she liked him without actually asking her.

Thats why I see it as his fault.

I did read the post, HB. He expresses that he cared for this girl, and recently realized that it was love. Note the part where he discusses the four months spent apart before becoming friendly again. Not that he was in the throes of undying love at the time, cognizant of what was happening, and chose to spear this girl with his admission that he had an attraction to another girl. Attraction is not exclusive; one can like or be attracted to more than one person at a time. Beyond that, you are projecting your experience onto the situation, and judging him based on that... which seems unfair to me, not to mention not anyone's place here to judge him for what he has done.


M.

Well in that case I would really like the OP to clarify what the deal was with him saying that.

Wholly agree, as while being attracted to multiple people doesn't surprise me, the idea of talking to Person A that I'm attracted to about Person B that I'm attracted to makes -no- sense to me. Never has. Was awkward between me and my wife over the ten years we've known each other and been friends, as while we were drawn to each other... we were involved with other people, even each engaged to other people over that time, before finally coming together. Even knowing that we weren't seeking to connect romantically, the fact that we were so attracted to each other made those conversations more stilted than speaking to me (voice) can be already. The only thing I can think of would be that he was oblivious to his own feelings, and because there was no formal declaration of emotion between him and the girl in question, that he thought it was safe and/or proper to have that discussion with her.


M.

I don't want to have a further opinion on this situation until he clears up why he said it, as otherwise it will be another gross assumption.

I don't get the impression he lied about it. While I don't think you can really be in love with more than one person at a time, liking is different, especially if the girl you really care about does not seem to be interested in you in that way.
It may help if I explain a little: Someone I know was genuinely in love with a certain girl. This girl, though she clearly liked him as a friend, was (and is) very much taken for the long haul and clearly not interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone other than her live-in boyfriend, and this guy was well aware of that. At one point, he confided his situation to a small group of guys. My advice was never to say anything to her about it, and to try and move on. Some time later he got a girlfriend, though it was very clear neither one had any serious interest in the relationship. I'm sure he didn't do it to make the first girl jealous, and it caused no conflict between her and him; he did it because if he couldn't have the girl he really liked, this other girl was better than nothing (and I stress she didn't take the relationship seriously either, he wasn't taking advantage of her). My point is that to me it seems sensible and acceptable, if your real love interest isn't interested back, to try and move on and find someone else. If the OP thought he was in this position (mistakenly, it seems), then I see his actions as foolish but not cruel. If he had thought she liked him back, then it would have been mean to tell her that, as it could hurt her. I'm also influenced by the fact that I have a female friend with who I've sometimes mentioned about girls I like, and it's never caused any conflict between us (neither one is interested in the other as anything other than a friend).

I'm not 100% sure whether you informing your friend that you were interested in one of her friends was genuine, or a ploy meant to determine if she was interested in you. I guess that's between you and your conscience. Whatever the case, I think I may understand this young lady's reaction.

Clearly she was interested in you romantically, then felt rejected by your interest in her friend (whether she should have or not, she did feel hurt and rejected). After you two spent time re-building the relationship - which required that she trust you, and allow herself to be emotionally vulnerable with you again - you told her how much you valued her friendship. Ouch. I think it's likely that she felt that "chemistry" again between you two as well...she allowed herself to rekindle the romantic feelings she had for you - and then you told her she was a great "friend." It's entirely possible she heard "friend" and felt the same sense of rejection she did months earlier, compounded by embarrassment that she'd let herself fall into the same emotional "trap" again. That explanation would tend to explain why she cut you off so completely.

I think the advice to respect her wishes is good advice. If you feel like you absolutely have to give it one more try, I'd write her a letter, and be brutally honest about what happened; take responsibility and apologize. Then I'd hang on to that letter for a few weeks. Read it, and if you still feel compelled to act, send the letter in an email. The ball will be in her court at that point....if she doesn't respond, leave her alone and accept that sometimes you win one, and sometimes you learn one. Good luck.

But if you like someone, it doesn't make sense to tell them that you like their friend. It would only piss them off.

Yes - I agree it's a very risky plan to tell someone you're interested in that you like another girl. After reading the OP's post, I'm unclear on the sequence of events:



The whole idea that, "She seemed to like me but I had no idea at the time," is what I don't quite understand. Those two statements kinda contradict each other - how could he know that she seemed to like him without haviing an inkling of that when it was happening? Unless he's describing the situation in retrospect?

Hello Someone or something .....
Boy , you've gotten a lot of feedback on this one ! ! I was in an almost in an identical situation in some ways , at one time . The similarities are uncanny , really .
I am going to assume that you were both in the conception stage of early boyfriend/ girlfriendhood . You both had feelings for each other . You were both aware of the fact , that you were both aware of the fact , that you both dug each other , you dig ? ARRGHHH... I did not wanna do that , SORRY . Since you've put yourself on trial here , ( just kidding ) just for the record.... you DID mention "the friend", to get her jealous , so she would either show or admit her feelings for you ? That is correct , Mr. Someone or Something or whatever you call yourself , ISN'T IT ? ISN'T IT ? Otherwise , you'd be here asking for advice about her friend....wouldn't you ?
You asked what happened the second time around .... Well , what happened was she got p*s*ed off when you sent her the "I appriciate our friendship" letter . She probably figures her "odd" behavior the first time around was enough to reveal her feelings towards you , without saying it outright . She probably figures if you were forward enough to show interest in her friend , why not her....? If she is interested romantically , the letter probably felt like a roadblock , or perhaps a slap in the face . Angel , all you ( and she ) are "guilty" of doing is a dating / mating dance . I 'm sure this exchange has been around a very long time . you are certainly not the first ones to do this .
If I had to speculate ( which I do ) , I would guess that she wants you to chase her . If you do , be careful . She probably hopes that there is something you could say or do to make it better though , she probably can't even think of what that would be herself. I would try causually contacting her ( text , email , phone , whatever ) . Act oblivious to the 'break up' and ask her to the movies or something . If you can get to the point of hanging out with her again , don't call it a friendship ! ! Don't call it anything ( unless she asks , then tell her you have feelings for her ) . When you get to the point that your both close again , ask her to put her arm in yours . Going for a walk in a park where other couples walk might be a good opportunity for that. Try calling her "Dear" or something else gentlemanly if you get the chance ( if you want to ) . Considering her personality , I would not do the "dance" or "play games" at all . I would try to get close to each other again and then tell / show her you care about her as a girlfriend as soon as you feel comfortable .
P. S. OMG!! ! I know that I'm going to get ripped on for this reply . I feel like kicking my own a**! !

Last edited by shoshanna on 26 Feb 2010, 9:33 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Wow, lots of feedback on this one. Thanks for the advice. I think I'm going to at least try one more time....

I should clarify: I didn't realise that I had feelings for her at the time, I thought we were just friends. However, it later (in retrospect) became obvious that she liked me, and upon learning that I started to feel strongly about her too and it occured to me that I'd been denying my own emotions the whole time. I would never have mentioned that I liked one of her friends if my feelings for her were obvious to me. The thing with her friend was just a crush. I've always been initially acctracted to "normal" girls who are extremely different from me. In my deluded state I neglected the person that was there for me and whom I had unbelievable compatibility with.

I just wish it were as simple as moving on like that. If we lived further apart it would be easier but she lives 300 feet from me, so I'll inevitably see her around on a regular basis. It's going to hurt like hell every time I see her. I mean, we'll probably end up getting the same bus to college every morning... I wouldn't be able to deal with seeing her around with a new BF. I'd have to move away and never come back. On the flip side, the fact we live so close to one another probably gives me a better shot at patching things up.

I want to tell her that I loved her but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. She already acts like I'm a stalker for just trying to repair the friendship. It just seems like this would be the worst time to admit how I felt. But I don't know.

PLA - yes, I do really care about her... so much that I feel like I would give up everything else if I could just have her in my life again. As corny as that sounds...

I see. Sometimes, a punch in the face would feel better than the silence.

*Winces*. I've nearly done that too. But why on earth tell her you value her friendship months later?

Ouch, what a mess. I'm guessing this is your first (almost) relationship?

Here is my interpretation of what happened.

- She has feelings for you and believes them known and reciprocated. You don't notice. This is because you are both inexperienced - both of you. Don't feel guilty because of that.
- You jest about your crush on her friend. She is devastated not only by your rejection, but the fact that you respect her so little that you tell it to her face despite (she thinks) knowing how much she loves you!
- You apologise and explain. She understands that you didn't mean to disrespect her, but the rejection still rankles.
- You carefully restart your friendship. She still has complicated feelings for you, and you have complicated feelings for her, but as long as both of you don't discuss your relationship, this lies dormant.
- You make a point of calling her "friend". Persumably, this was a cop out because you didn't dare tell her that you love her. It was not only dishonest but also needlessly complicated things. Had you asked for a date, she could have accepted or rejected you. As it is, you offered her a friendship-that-isn't-really-a-friendship and feelings-you-won't-admit-to-her.
- Suddenly, she hurts the same way she did the first time: You are pushing her into the friend zone a second time! This hurts. This is stupid, she thinks. Nobody makes the same mistakes twice! Nobody hangs round with people who keep hurting her. She does what any self respecting woman does: She cuts off contact until she can handle talking to you normally again.
- You do not respect her wishes and continue bugging her. Even though she needs to be away from you to heal. You come across as a stalker.

I'm sorry, I think this relationship is over.
Some things, once said, can't be unsaid.
It's time for her to find someone who tells her bluntly "I love you". And it is time for you to find someone like that, too. For this, I think you need to work on recognising your own feelings and then acting upon them bravely.

Loving is not something we are born to do naturally. Loving takes time and practice. The more women you love, the better you will become at it. There is more love in store for you out there. Take heart.