13 Mar 2010, 11:57 pm
I like how you put that
Every time that I try going on a date, or seeing someone for a time and things inevitably fail, I find myself in that place... Where I'm really just not interested, and in fact, feel very comfortable (relieved, even) with the notion of just staying single forever.
Last December I tried going out on dates (two different guys) and all I can say is, "ughhh..." Afterward, I was saying that unless something were to fall in my lap and somehow be guaranteed to work out, I wasn't interested. People would laugh, but I was quite serious. Then this time (new interest), things did just sort of fall into my lap, and they seemed to be working out quite well (for a while). Not so much anymore. So I think I'm edging a little closer to actually "choosing and accepting" being single. Though, I could just be feeling jaded right now. Who knows. I think that maybe it's like a lesson learned... Every time I try, and it doesn't work out I wonder, "How many times can I learn this same lesson, see the same results, before I finally realize that it isn't going to work?"
It's strange, though. I get lonely after a time, and wish I could have a companion, but then when I actually go for it (start to see someone), it's just too overwhelming. And not necessarily worth it. Either they aren't worth it (because I'm not interested enough in them), or the frustration/pain isn't. I also consider that perhaps relationships just aren't my thing. Life is always simpler when I'm alone. Would be nice to be able to just be at peace with that.
I have been through this same thing, and now I just feel like I have arrived at that point where I accept that romantic love is just not in my cards. I went on a date 3 years ago, and that was after being alone for 6 years. I have tried serious relationships in the past. I cant stand having someone living with me or spending huge amounts of time with me because they would begin to question my strange behaviors, stimming, and needing time to be by myself. I have had them actually make fun of me or deny my strange needs, and even try to change my habits- it was a disaster!
14 Mar 2010, 12:14 am
techstepgenr8tion
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14 Mar 2010, 12:25 am
14 Mar 2010, 12:40 am
14 Mar 2010, 1:14 am
I'm in a relationship right now, but at times I long to be single again, and long to be single for as long as I live. I feel fatigued by relationships, and I feel I can only count on myself in the world and I'm my own best friend. I don't trust the love of my partner a lot of the time. I'm being pretty self-centered I suppose though 
. If I don't trust others, I won't be willing to express the affection I have for them, so what can I expect in return from my cold indifferent behavior.
14 Mar 2010, 11:23 am
This is an interesting topic, AutisticMalcontent, thank you!
Something I've come to realise relatively recently, is just how much today's society has influenced the way I think about myself and what I think I want. When I am alone (which is pretty much always ), I find myself wondering why I'm not in a relationship and feeling like I should have one. But I began to notice that when I really thought about what a relationship would entail, and tried to imagine realistic relationship scenarios in my life, I didn't want a "significant other" at all. My life isn't exciting but I am free to make whatever choices I truly want, for my reasons alone, and I can do it pretty much spontaneously. And that ability is very, very important to me. Even the idea of having to take someone else's life into consideration and compromise over every thing, from the time I set the alarm every morning to what continent I live on, is exhausting and suffocating.
It is interesting, I think, to be able to step back and appreciate that the (smaller) part of me that sometimes squeaks out, "But I want someone too!" is doing that largely because television, magazines, books, friends, family, all of that, are telling me that is precisely what I should feel. It was quite liberating to finally recognise that that little voice wasn't inside my head, but coming from outside.
All that being said, should I one day meet someone with whom I want to share my life, I'm not adverse to it happening. But I am resolved to no longer try to be with people because I feel I should, rather than because I want to.
14 Mar 2010, 12:39 pm
Precisely! And for me, a lot of it is the fact that my family and friends seem to think I'd be happier with someone, so their voices sometimes eek into my mind, and it can take a bit of objective perspective to realize that they aren't my thoughts. Just the beliefs of other, well-meaning people
Seriously wise... The more common problem in destructive/dissatisfying relationships is usually the fact that one (or both) of the people involved got into the relationship for the wrong reason in the first place... Out of a fear of being alone, or just desperately wanting companionship, etc. Makes it more likely for someone to settle, and/or not recognize problems within the relationship.
14 Mar 2010, 1:29 pm
Something I've come to realise relatively recently, is just how much today's society has influenced the way I think about myself and what I think I want. When I am alone (which is pretty much always
), I find myself wondering why I'm not in a relationship and feeling like I should have one. But I began to notice that when I really thought about what a relationship would entail, and tried to imagine realistic relationship scenarios in my life, I didn't want a "significant other" at all. My life isn't exciting but I am free to make whatever choices I truly want, for my reasons alone, and I can do it pretty much spontaneously. And that ability is very, very important to me. Even the idea of having to take someone else's life into consideration and compromise over every thing, from the time I set the alarm every morning to what continent I live on, is exhausting and suffocating.It is interesting, I think, to be able to step back and appreciate that the (smaller) part of me that sometimes squeaks out, "But I want someone too!" is doing that largely because television, magazines, books, friends, family, all of that, are telling me that is precisely what I should feel. It was quite liberating to finally recognise that that little voice wasn't inside my head, but coming from outside.
All that being said, should I one day meet someone with whom I want to share my life, I'm not adverse to it happening. But I am resolved to no longer try to be with people because I feel I should, rather than because I want to.
It seems I am in the same position now. I have never dated. Indeed, never had any in depth discussion with any female (except on business issues) that is not my relative. I cannot envision what is a relation like. I suppose my desire for a relation is due to
a) Curiosity
b) Sexual fantasy
c) Social pressure
I can't think of any reason why anyone wants to be my partner
. So it seems I have no choice but to accept that I am not going to have any relation.
That's all I can think of. Should I try to turn myself 180 deg around in order to have any chance? I am confused
16 Mar 2010, 1:23 am
I find your sarcasm both amusing and refreshing. That state which you described- of being devoid of desire, I don't think it is fully achievable. For me, I still look at attractive women, and I admire their physical beauty. However, I realize that the probability of compatibility and mutual attraction is very slim, plus I don't feel like chasing after them is worth the effort.
I believe that desire to find someone is caused by one or two or more of three things: peer pressure, lust, or loneliness. In the middle and high school atmosphere, we understood (I'm presuming that the majority of people on this site are out of high school) peer pressure, and we felt the need and compulsion to find someone because it was "what everyone else was doing".
Lust needs no explanation, it is in all of us, and we're all capable of engaging in it. Loneliness, in my opinion, is caused by either voluntarily or involuntarily isolating yourself from others, both emotionally and physically. I believe the answer to loneliness is friends, not trying to find a romantic partner. Friends meet that need for emotional intimacy and physical comfort (not in a sexual way) in my opinion.
So in short, if you can control or conquer to some degree lust, loneliness, and peer pressure, you can conquer the desire to pursue someone romantically. I am not longer influenced by peer pressure, I have friends with whom I hang out with and chat, and I haven't totally conquered lust, but I've gotten to the point where I've dealt with it so much that it loses its appeal to me.
16 Mar 2010, 1:51 am
16 Mar 2010, 2:19 am
16 Mar 2010, 2:25 am
16 Mar 2010, 2:58 am
16 Mar 2010, 3:33 am
16 Mar 2010, 1:16 pm
16 Mar 2010, 3:21 pm
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