Risks of AS/AS relationships. Someone reassure me.

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Read on in the forum...lots of bad AS/NT...lots of bad AS/AS...plenty of examples of good of both too.

Like hale bopp said, having children is always a gamble in terms of the health/mentality/IQ (and on and on) of the baby. It doesn't matter how much you try to stack the deck in your favor; you can only do so much. And parents-to-be ALL go through those "what if" kind of fears...finding someone who is NT just because he's NT isn't going to spare you that anxiety.

Throwing away a potentially very happy relationship that's right in front of you because of a fear of something about which you get no guarantee in any case? Doesn't seem like a good trade to me.

ok that settles the kids problem, but what about us coping? The way I see it, an NT is a liason to the world. If my dad and I didn't have my mom, we'd be in shambles. And what about NTs handling the totally different thougt process of an Aspie? I wouldnt want someone to suffer for me like my mom does for my dad. And how can we relate to our kids emotionally, aspie or NT?

Last edited by fudgepickle on 25 Mar 2010, 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Two Aspies can function fine IMO, but in your own personal relationship only you can know for sure really.

Based on my experiences with AS/AS relationships, it is actually easier to cope. Both parties will be able to relate to one another in a way that is nearly impossible (in my experience) with a NT. Also, you will be able to share coping strategies and help each other out (or know when the best way to "help" is to give the other one lots of space and solitude. Also, in AS/AS relationships, there is less pressure to go to busy social events with one's partner, and it is easier to "create your own world" together.

Of course, the most important factor in a relationship is the dynamic that the two of you have with another. AS/AS relationships can fail; AS/NT relationships can fail; NT/NT relationships can fail. Yet, I have also seen all three scenerios work out wonderfully. It really comes down to the the two people who are involved.

Also, I think it is premature to be worrying too much about how your potential children will turn out. And, as many have said, neurotype is "luck of the draw." I inherited ASD genes from both sides of the family, but my two siblings are both NT (but have a few traits).

So I wish you both luck.

Coping...

You echoed something that almost exactly resembles a similar conversation my wife and I have had before. I don't do well socially on my own. So when I have to go to parties or other social events, I almost insist my wife accompany me. It's more than just a date. My wife is very good at speaking for me. She knows my thoughts and feelings and saves me from looking like an idiot most of the time.

The secret is that I can tell her ANYTHING, whether she's interested in what I have to say or not! We talk all the time on what's best for me, things I need to support what I do, what's best for the family. We disagree on things all the time, but you have to in order to figure out what's going to work best (the problem with a lot of things going through Congress right now, for instance, is that arguments are one-sided). When we do come to some agreement, we stick with it, get our stories together, and that's how we manage to have any kind of outside life. An NT mate is very valuable in that respect--a bridge to the outside world for us introverts.

Kids, well, my experience is that they've grown on me. I always thought of having kids as a necessary but frightening experience. But I've found I can't imagine life without them. They're the only other people I feel comfortable having any kind of physical contact with besides my wife--except for that whole kissing thing, just can't do it!

Trust me, you'll adjust. It's not nearly as bad as you might imagine it to be.

And you're young, too. Take your time!

First of all, not everyone has AS to the same extent. Also, "NT" doesn't necessarily mean simply not being on the autistic spectrum. Depending on who you ask, it can mean no neurological disorders whatsoever.

As for having kids, it's just a chance you have to take. I don't think you can necessarily determine a child being on the spectrum or not by who you are involved with. As for someone who can keep you safe and sane, you can't depend on someone else to do it for you, you have to learn how to keep yourself safe and sane.

I think that you should persue the relationship, especially if you guys have so much in common something like that may not come up again so why not give it a shot.

When it comes to having kids it doesn't matter if the person is AS or NT your kids could still end up being aspies. My mom is an NT and my dad has aspergers and I got it from my dad my older sister didn't end up with aspergers but she does have bipolar and ADHD ( we still don't know where that came from) but her and my dad are dyslexic and I'm not. As far as I'm concerned Its all a roll of the perverbal dice it certainly possible that two aspies can make NT children I mean who really knows anyway. But if you do have aspie children you can certainly give them the kinds of things you wanted as a kid, I do believe that they have schools that are just for asperger children if you are concerned about how other kids will treat them. But don't give up on your dream of having kids if that is what you really want go for it.

( ps. My mom is NT and my dad has AS and she feels like just like your mom does so I know all about that scenario that is everyday for me)

NT means neurotypical, so the only proper definition of it is someone with no neurological disorders, and true NTs are in the minority.

If I were a woman, I would be more concerned about having twins or gestational diabetes if I were looking down that far. I am like a father to my nephew because for the first 3 years of his life I practically was (exaggeration), and I'll tell you now, NT or AS, children are hard to deal with. Personally I got a break from all of it, allowing me to make sense of my feelings and grow. Now I am great with all kinds of children, but not as ready as I need to be to be a parent, but then again you are never ready to be a parent, it always nips you.

My point (which was long and dragged out and not going anywhere) is that there are so many other factors to consider when thinking about parenthood that maybe sometimes worrying about the now is going to trump it in some situations and I think that is what alot of people on the thread are saying.

honestly, i am going to look after NTs for the main part if you ask me.

It seems that both of you don't have severe AS. If so, it's possible that the relationship will work out. E.g. I'm Aspie with a few NT traits (I have a sense of humour) and my "significant other" is NT with a few Aspie traits (introverted, intellectual, childish.) We do care for each other and have an excellent bond. If you're both mild, chances are that you may be concerned for each other's welfare. Don't give up on a potential friendship! If things don't work out at least you will know how to run a relationship the next time, and you will have the ecperience of forming an emotional bond that will enable you to survive in the NT world.

Have you checked out the other threads on the Love & Dating board? Finding The One doesn't seem that easy.

If you think that this guy could be The One then I think you should give it a try. See how it goes and worry about children later.
I am guessing that time is on your side and you have options if you have worries about genetics.

And if they are 'The One' it means that they only exist in one of 128 multiverses!