How does a guy like me with aspergers get a date/girlfriend?

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The answer is simple: Wanting to get laid is not worth it. Isolating yourself from other people is protection. Accept that you are genetically programmed to live in life-long isolation.

Live your life according to your own -reasonable- terms. Pursue your dreams and passions outside of a relationship and maintain a healthy and productive lifestyle. Keep your mind open about future relationship opportunities and don't be too hesitant in at least attempting to seize an opportunity when it presents itself to you. Don't be afraid of going outside your comfort zone and be ready to adjust your own expectations and make compromises when they are -reasonable- and necessary. Be accepting of failure but also work towards future success....etc.etc.

-OR-

You can go on top of the nearest hill (of at least 10m elevation above the average topography of the surrounding area) at 12:53AM on the first day of a full moon. Orientate your sternum to 32 degrees west of Mecca. Stick out your tongue fully, as far as it will go, and plug up both of your nostrils with the side matching middle finger on both hands. Close your eyes and think of your desired partner and maintain the previously mentioned pose for a full minute. Afterward, immediately say "weebles is my peoples" five times. Your desired* partner should arrive in the exact same location within 24 hours.

*May or may not have defects depending on how well your pronunciation was.




BTW- I've been told by many that the latter option is much easier.

OK, firstly Man your tall!

I felt like you at the same age (apart from only being 6'2") and I do not have Aspergers. I was horrendously shy around girls and had never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl at age 17. I felt like they were aliens. I had always felt like that and could hardly talk to them. At some point I just gave up and stopped worrying about it so it wasn't my focus anymore. It wasn't deliberate, I just went 'f*ck it', gave up and relaxed about stuff. I just felt like being myself instead of trying to be a tense worried phony and so of course that resulted in my getting my first girlfriend (she chose me!) - as others have said for some reason actively looking for a partner just sends out invisible desperation signals and will make you behave to others in an awkward way you cannot avoid. Its almost like a scientific principle that one.

One thing that could really benefit you on a practical level is to step outside of school which can be a toxic environment and do some extra-curricular activities that have both sexes involved and have a social side to them, and that is generally things like Music bands and sports. Esp ones were they either practise regularly and/or go away on trips. As an example you'd be surprised at how many girls are into stuff like Brass bands and Pipe bands. My wife was/is into these and had several (surprisingly hot!) friends that also did this with her as teenagers. Also she did badminton and mixed-sex indoor court sport called Netball (a bit like basketball). These types of activities may sound a bit 'nerdy' to some but the people who do them are less likely to be the sort that are worried about being 'cool' and will be more people who are genuine and these are the sorts of people who in my experience you want to put yourself around and are more accepting.
I'm serious about that. It allows you lots of opportunity to work on how to build friendships and relationships with girls as well as being fun. My parents were stupid I did stuff like Rugby and cycling, not a great chance of meeting the opposite sex doing those!

Also maybe some social skills training could help you (sorry I'm just learning about Aspergers but I think I read/saw that somewhere).

Anyway good luck, and don't lose heart I can tell you that the teenage years are the hardest and it will get better for you.

Oh and PS don't worry about how pretty they are. 'Pretty' girls in the conventional sense are for the most part boring, heaps of trouble and not fun.

Perhaps. But that also sounds like the way my 8yr old daughter behaves when she wants to avoid the chance of getting emotionally hurt.
She has a learning disability and so feels that if she doesn't try then she can't fail and so won't get hurt by feeling bad about herself. It has been very hard getting her to get over this.

It should be mentioned that this guy's perspective is usually actively detrimental to most human beings, A.S. or otherwise. I'd advise ignoring that particular piece of awful advice.

Aspergers is described as a very disgusting illness. Can anyone name another illness where people become less caring about you because you are sick? Buddy, don't think its acceptable for you not to have a girlfriend in highschool. If you really are that alone then your life has been shot. don't bother continuing this life experience out.

How do any of you feel knowing that the reason why girls don't care for you is because your brain is not giving you the right signals. My advice is to go up to girls and tell them you want to have sex with them and you don't care about how they feel, and if they say no tell them you will kick their boyfriends ass.

Remember, it doesn't matter how you talk to girls because we can only be scum in their eyes. We might as well rape them. hahahahaha

@locke1217, I'm sorry you've given up on your life, but that's really no excuse for dumping your bitterness on a kid who's come here looking for advice. If you don't have anything better to offer the OP, please keep your anti-social, deviant, criminal advice to yourself.

The problem is, most young men with aspergers (I say most because there are those who either are somewhat outgoing or they improved their social skills to some degree) are in no position for a girlfriend, at least a girlfriend who doesn't have the same exact problems he does. Fair or unfair, relationships are a social activity and without the skills, or at least the ability to fake the skills and learn as you go along, you're going to turn off any woman before you even get started, and even if she does give you a chance, she'll break up with you eventually and you'll be even worse off than before.

Add in the fact that a lot of men with aspergers aren't physically attractive to begin with and have unusual interests that don't appeal to most people, and it's a recipe for disaster. I'm personally getting sick of the "I'm 18 and want a girl to nurture me and love me and be my second mother" posts. Having a connection with a woman is a good thing, but it's not the meaning of life, and it's impossible to have a connection when you have the wrong wires.

I would have to bet that you will have a relationship at some point. Relationships in high school (even if not in high school, just your first relationship in general) probably won't be your last. I used to not have a lot of interests of my own and having a boyfriend was an important thing to me at the time. I found one and we dated two years and thought we were staying together forever, blah blah, but we're both totally different people now. I'm 19 now and I've become much more independent, I have my own interests and things I want to do, and life is so much better. A boyfriend would be nice, but not necessary. Also, to most girls it makes it stressful for them to feel like they are the main focus of a guy's world. When I date a guy who I feel relies on me for his happiness, I become slightly depressed in the relationship. And college is a great time to meet people. There will be a lot of people who want to just 'hook up' but some who want a real relationship. (Remember that many people our age aren't serious about relationships, so keep that in mind when you start dating.) I would talk to the students a lot when you choose a college so you know what kind of people you'll be spending time with. I'll be going to a college this fall where most freshman won't know each other and the student body is very accepting. Just think about what you want before you go :]

I hope that helps

I know how you feel.
I don't know what advice to give you, but it certainly does happen. I was completely entranced by an aspie male...He didn't like me back though. It caused lots of pain.
It will happen for you, though. Don't know how long it will take, but probability is in your favour.

Don't f*****g waste your time meeting NT girls like I did. I made myself get over the fear and would go up and talk to any of them, very good looking included. Some will show interest at first and then later bail out or won't make it past one date. My best luck was with aspie girls. I've dated 3 that lasted for at least 2 months. I just don't know how to find them anymore.

I sympathize with you - it sounds like your early life has been hell. You're now at a crucial juncture in your life (though you probably don't know it) where you can take one of two paths. We all know of people from each different path.

You can let your early experiences define you as a person, and become bitter, jaded, hating (either yourself or others), and effectively give up on life. That's one path. The other path is much harder, and it involves putting your past behind you and working towards a better future one step at a time. Learning to fight your insecurities, letting go of hate, bitterness and resentment towards others, learning to be strong and independent without visible neediness. Working hard on developing your social skills - taking risks, and putting yourself out there.

If you want the chance of having a relationship, any time now or in the future, I would recommend taking the second path. It's a hard road, and it may take years (and often does) before you get anywhere.

I think just about everybody with Aspergers reaches this juncture at the end of their high school years, and heads down one path or the other. Think of it as an opportunity to change - a chance for a better future.

I would recommend, the absolute first step to take would be to work on developing friendships. If you can't make a friend, you have almost zero chance of having a relationship because friendship is the first stepping stone towards relationships. To do this, I would actually recommend you buy and read books on social skills and body language, and also find anybody who's even a little nice to you, and ask them questions. Ask them what you do wrong in social situations, and how you can improve. Then take that advice on board and practice.

Regarding the whole age thing, I recommend not obsessing about that and letting it go. Furthermore, I see you might be in danger of making "finding a girlfriend to take all your troubles away" an obsession. Whatever you do, DON'T DO THIS, and if it's too late, FIGHT IT. As other posters have said, having a girlfriend will not solve your problems. Only you can do that. Furthermore, as to loneliness and social happiness, making and having friends will actually do more to improve that than finding a single girlfriend, and these things are much more achievable from the stage you seem to be at.

Please don't ever joke about rape. I speak for myself, and I'm sure I speak for other posters too, in that I find this deeply offensive and it makes me extremely angry. If anyone close to you had ever been raped, I'm sure you wouldn't be joking about it.

Sorry for your loss of your father. That is a tough experience to go through at such a young age. Maybe you should look for a big brother if you don't have an adult male in your life to help you. Moms are great, but they don't really have a good handle on what the pressures of being a guy really are. I was a handful for my parents, and left early and often, so I have some experience to what you are dealing with without the tragic loss.

The key to the whole high school experience in hindsight is recognition that no one knows what the hell they are doing. It is all made up and fabricated. The cool kids are the ones who hide this best. Everything was about what group you associated with, even though there is isn't really a whole lot of difference between them besides superficial things like what clothes you wear and what music you listened to.

If you want to be successful, you can't be sensitive to what other people think of you, nor can you come off as needy. These are pretty much dead end streets to get you bullied and friendless. Compassion for your fellow person is lacking in forced social systems like schools and prisons, and no one is going to want to be seen with you for fear that they will be grouped with you. Since you have aspergers, you probably aren't going to able to be the personality that everybody wants to hang around with. But, that is okay, you want to come off as cool and indifferent anyhow. It is much better. You are in control, no matter the situation you find yourself in. You do what you want to do and show little concern for the opinions of others. You won't be the most popular person, but people will respect you and look to you for advice, and some girls will find you much more attractive. While that won't get you the girlfriend you want, it will open the door for it to happen.

A couple of more things is work some on conversational skills and learn to defend yourself. You have to talk. Again, it is not what you say, but how you say it with confidence and belief that you know what you are talking about. If you can get into something like martial arts that would be good. We had our own little fight club experience when I was a kid, but I don't if that is still around. It is not about being a bad-ass but having the threat of being able to defend yourself if needed. Most people are cowards and won't risk the embarassment of getting their butt kicked. Good luck with your situation. I just wish things remained as they were in high school. Things are a lot simpler to understand.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your focus now should be on being able to survive for yourself. Learn a trade/skill to make yourself infinitely valuable.

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