To all you chronically lonely guys yearning for love

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Yes, sad but true. I have recently had to lose still another friend, because I couldn't be around her anymore.

OP: I think you'll free yourself the more you realized that the human experience is wicked for everyone involved. You'd do best to just focus on what blessings your life has given you, work with them, and realize that even single - there are a handful of better life possibilities and many handfuls of worse possibilities.

But why not give up? Example: Many people think it's perfectly reasonable not to play in lotteries, because the chances of winning are so small as to render the expected return negative. So it's basically just throwing money away. While a rich person could care less about throwing away a few bucks, and therefore still have some winning potential, this latter consideration grows more pressing as the buyer of the ticket becomes poorer, because then the price of a ticket eats up a larger portion of his income. What I'm basically saying is this: some guys are so ridden with issues (mental, physical or social) that they're too "poor" in emotional capital to reasonably buy a ticket to the grand lottery of Love. I say to them: don't spend your last dollar on a lottery ticket but on a nice CD, because at least the CD gives guaranteed pleasure.

Written by a 25 year old <lol>. Pardon me if your "experience" and opinion on the Romantic Success Chances of the WP Male doesn't have much weight when you're barely out of the house yourself.

You're further disqualified from this having had TWO long-term relationships yourself.

Ah yes, the old "don't listen to the hatchling" pseudo-argument; I was waiting for it. As if someone is disqualified from reasonable extrapolation into the future just because one is young. Senility must have its perks, I guess.

Furthermore, I don't know what you're talking about in your last sentence. I never had TWO long-term relationships.

All I know is that I now feel overwhelming love and a desire for you, OP. My heart pounds at the thought of being condescended to. The broad brush strokes of your scathing generalisations make me tingle. Such boldness! And the way you anticipate and disarm possible counter arguments is masterful! (I especially loved where you compared our chances of finding love to our chances of winning the lottery: possible but unlikely, and gave it as reason to omit the many people in meaningful relationships from presenting their own anecdotal evidence, despite it's relevance in proving that the likelihood is many times greater than winning a lottery... I wonder if anyone on the forum boards has won the major prize in a lottery?)

Oh, OP, won't you be with me? We could flee, across the sea, with nothing but our love for each other, a copy of The World as Will and Representation and a small doggie we'll call Atman. And some cheetos. And some cheetos for Atman. And a boat. So we won't sink. And an iPod. With the audio version of The World as Will and Representation read by Bill Cosby in the original German. We'll ponder the power of sublime nature as it pounds our little boat to matchsticks, and Atman into his component parts, probably cheetos.

The reason people shouldn't give up is because there IS someone for everyone. Women aren't these perfect people you know.. who all hate on non perfect guys. Some of them have just as many problems.

There is a yeah but with that though... people with more esoteric personalities - male or female - are largely stuck in the same position. I'm sure you'd agree, in the OP's case, he's best off with self-help and doing what he can to make things fall into place but, to tell the truth, I've learned that demanding one's self to have someone - even in an 'if ever' scenario - is maddening and quite often more destructive than not.

I will admit, I have to agree with the person who started this post. Sure, there are a few success stories, but unfortunately, the chances of most people on the spectrum finding love and having an established social life are next to none. You have a better chance of winning the lottery. Reality sucks.

Yes, dear doctor, mockery is a form of art, but there's no need to flaunt it. The very thought of a black American comedian reading German is beyond hilarity. The people who are in meaningful relationships are for the most parts the "rich" ones, who could afford to by ten or even a hundred tickets at a time, so as to increase their chances. Besides, a consummately scholarly man such as yourself must know that any analogy stretched too far goes to pieces as easily as a cheeto between the jaws of a faithful Indian mutt.

But as for your proposal, I humbly and respectfully reject your proposal. I hate cheetos.

Well none of us should expect to find someone, but that doesn't mean give up completely.
I'm sure giving up completely has its benefits, but isn't there a balance of the two?

Being alone IS ok. I had accepted the possibility years ago, but refused to resign myself to it. I am all too aware of my own challenges and the difficulties I have that impact a relationship. In finding that level of self-acceptance and comfort, somehow parts of me seem to have become more accessible (or less offputting) than when my efforts were focused there. Also understand about the tendency to preach; my students have given me grief about my Sermon on the Mount approach when I really get into something in their music... odd, I'm sure, all the more coming from an adeist. My intent was dissent, not censure, so if that was unclear I would welcome your feedback to avoid that impression in the future. That you recognize the damaging effect of that small dramatization to your arguments is appreciated; not many people tend to glean that from introspection in my own experience. I think the ideas are less distant than we initially think, but with a difference in semantics and in goal/optimism.


M.

Sure, it makes perfect sense to declare me the bad man and the sad man for stating something which you acknowledge to contain more than a grain of truth.

On a different note, people seem to forget that I'm sticking my neck out for something which I believe to be essentially true. Agreed, some of it was a bit harshly stated, but that's me, and I apologize for it. If you want to attack me, or make fun of me, I don't care. I can even see the humor in that. But please don't pretend that you know the depths of me, or my mental state, just by "analyzing" a few lines I've typed in great haste just to amuse you and stir your thoughts. That's worse than ad hominem, that's ad testiculos.

Definitely. I think what you were saying earlier highlighted a particular component, ie. remembering that for most people there is someone for them (or at least within their capabilities of fixing themselves up - if they take that route as needed). Societal norms throw a lot of static at that though, we are half self-actualizing with our relationships today and half living out gender roles that have been around for thousands of years and have to date only gutted so many aspects of that.

The balance seems to be self-help first, ie. a life where a person does everything they can for themselves, regardless of whether they find someone or not, is much more enjoyed than a life where they stayed on rock bottom - even if it were the case that they found someone who loved them at rock bottom vs. stayed single but were successful. Also remembering that both genders have their social searching to do, both have their positive and negative proclivities to sort through in finding the right person, and the strongest relationship seems to be the more common the personality the more common the matches, just like the more rare the personality the more rare the matches. To stay centered I think means taking your advice - ie. knowing that there's someone out there for you - in a way that simply indicates that if your single for a long time your not necessarily a failure, you're just in a different situation and operating by different rules or circumstances, and, I suppose if someone wants to be wry about it - every single guy or girl can envision an attractive member of the opposite sex who's like them and having just as many problems, either single or in bombed out relationships, and feel rather well assured that they're not alone.

I'm not sure where I criticized you? If anything I may have jumped to a conclusion that you were relating this topic back to a certain amount of personal experience, a personal experience that I'm well familiar. We're just discussing coping strategy and what's best for mixing and matching for this kind of thing. Its true that we have to sort reality out so that the excessive highs and lows don't grind us into the pavement but at the same time it has to be remembered - as hale bop is pointing out, that its not all darkness and, even when it is in your own social sphere, the right person out there is still just as much out there - and likely just as unlucky. It also helps to remember that some of the people with the best social skills, think they have everything under control, think they have what society wants, can get blindsided by mysteries as much as we can, even moreso they get hit from a position of being deep enough in where it *really* causes some stress - when I see that with some of my friends being able to stand on the sideline and say 'Wah. I'm single' is a heck of a nice luxury, it's actually a bit more like 'With the grace of God go I'.

You're right, I've experienced a marked lack of success in romance, which has made me, not exactly bitter, but has given my thought a decidedly pessimistic edge. And I do like to dramatize my own experiences, so as to give my point a bit more vigor. But here I overdid it, and it backfired completely.

Still, I maintain that pessimism is in many areas of life a perfectly reasonable stance, as long as it doesn't cripple one completely in grasping the chances that do occur now and then. A person who is too optimistic can only be disappointed, whereas judiciously applied pessimism often gives one the benefit of appreciating one's luck better. I play in the lottery, and I always say to myself, before the numbers are drawn: you didn't win sh*t you fool. And if I did win a small amount, say 10 euros, my day is made.