BPD+Aspergers+jealousy= I need some advice!

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As for your relationship, it isn't my place to judge - if it works for you and everyone is happy, then that works for me. As a member, I would rather know that both parties were soliciting feedback and participating... a matter of personal preference. As a mod, all I have to say is that mutual discussion is good, but if in the event threads become home to fights or personal attacks, then they will be dealt with accordingly. I speak to that subject as a matter of previous experiences and not on your current conversation.


M.

OP, I think it was a tad manipulative of you to create this post. Clearly, you knew your bf would read what you'd written - he's a member here. So ask yourself this question: why did you choose to make your issue with him public rather than communicate the same information to him privately? Clearly, what you wrote prompted a conversation that apparently cleared the air between you two - and that was more valuable to both of you than any advice you received here.

As a matter of fact, you both criticized people who responded for making assumptions about you two and your relationship (which, at the very least, shows a lack of gratitude toward people willing to make the effort to try to help). So it's hard to believe that you were really interested in soliciting other people's feedback, when you've both responded so negatively to the feedback you received. It makes me wonder if this thread is really just a ploy to get your bf's attention (which would be consistent with BPD)?

At any rate, if you're interested, there is a major flaw in your approach to having an open relationship: "The open relationship was actually my idea, and I still think that he should feel free to be with other people as long as he comes back to me. I'm just insecure, so I worry that he won't come back." OP, there's no guarantee in any non-committed relationship (poly or not). Your idea that your bf can sleep around "as long as he comes back to you" is an impossible condition because you two are not in a committed relationship. (And I'm not defining commitment as equal to marriage or monogamy, either - you said he's been threatening to break up with you - that indicates a pretty clear lack of commitment.) So you two don't appear to be in a relationship that's on solid ground at this point. I think the idea of involving someone else in the relationship - and the anxiety that's causing you - is just a distraction. The real issue is the stability of the relationship - or potentially, your perception of the stability of the relationship (and how that perception might be related to your BPD). I think you ignore dealing with those issues at your own peril.

And @cthulukitty, I was fairly astounded at your statement in this thread: "My mother has often told me that a lot of women find me quite attractive, and that I tend to be somewhat oblivious to their flirting. If that's true, then for the flirting to reach a level that's clearly notable to me, then it's very likely for real. I let D know that this was going on not to scare her or threaten her, but because I thought she had a right to know." So....publicly stating that "a lot of women" find you attractive - a fact that has apparently been verified by an independent (if not entirely objective third party - your mother) - is supposed to have what type of impact on your insecure, BPD gf? Seriously, after dating for two years, you don't know that she's insecure? After reading this thread, you don't know that she thinks your relationship is a bit rocky, and she's nervous about your attraction to other women? As a complete stranger to both of you, I read those statements, and they just didn't seem like the kind of thing a supportive, kind bf who was interested in reassuring his gf would say. So what's up with that?

If you want the brutal honest truth, it sounds as if you only really want him now because someone else is showing interest in him. Too little and probably soon to be proven to be too late.

Unfortunately, this is not an unusual reaction for a person with borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure what sort of advice you were looking for OP, but my advice would be no more open relationship.

Oh my. I should probably just let this thing die, as I assumed it had. Here's my basic idea of what's going on:

I encouraged D to come use this site. I told her that it seemed like a lot of BPD people (often women) were reporting relationships with AS people (often men). I thought that we could increase our understanding of each other, and participate in a cool community like this together.

D and I do communicate nearly daily, and do see each other in real presence quite often.

I agree with the poster above who suggested that the open relationship issue is not at the root of the current (or recent past) tension. It is more of a manifestation of other issues, which I think at this point I'll keep private.

D has heard my mom tell me that she thinks lots of women are expressing interest without my knowledge. I was stating that not to make people think I'm awesome or intimidate D, but to make a point about my general inability to tell if someone is flirting. I'm pretty sure this one chick is flirting, so I told D what I was feeling. I don't think that makes me a bad guy.
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It was interesting to see so many people jump into this with their own biases. Maybe there was some sort of dramatic popcorn effect that got people riled up, or maybe it's just a touchy subject.

I'll get back to answering questions about nerdy brain and leaning stuff soon. This is quite boring.

There's no real relationship there.

Either be committed and work to be together like other couples or just enjoy the ridiculousness of having an "open relationship".

I feel a little uncomfortable when a OP's partner come in and start giving their point of view. I used to work in a Women Center and often, when the partner called, we would tell them that the woman had to call herself because we wanted to hear what she felt and what she needed (this was a center for women only, but I think this method should apply for any gender when someone ask for help).


Now, I am a BPD woman myself and I am in a committed relationship with an Aspie. I had to get professional help (therapist, psychiatrist, etc.) to understand what BPD was, where my negative life patterns came from, what were the positive aspects of BPD (yes ! having BPD often means you are a sensitive, empathetic, and creative person, just like being Aspie means you also have some strengths and specific qualities) and how I could learn to VALIDATE my emotions.

(I gave you the link to the book my psychiatrist ask me to read. If you want, you can search about schema therapy, I found it really helpful.)

Validating your emotions means acknowledging that you feel a certain way, and that there is a reason. This reason can be rational (something is really threatening you right now) or irrational (something makes you remember how you felt as a child and is not threatening you right now). In both cases, this emotion is real. The difference is how you will answer to this emotion.

If you feel that the reason is irrational, the best thing is to treat yourself with things that make you feel safe (bath, movies, books, a soft blanket, clothing and cosmetics you like, your stuffed animal, music, etc.).

If there are facts that indicate that something in your life right now makes you feel this way, you should consider using nonviolent communication or making changes in your life.

I am not you and I am not in your relationship, so I don't know what is rational and what is not. All I know is that I think it is important that each person discusses their needs, their desires, their fears and their limits in any kind of relationship and that everyone feels safe and respected.