How not to come across as creepy.
I'm mildly embarrassed now to think about it, but I was really neurotypical and judgemental about one thing in my teens and twenties; guys who didn't know the social rules would quite frequently approach me when I was walking home at night.
Almost all women may find being approached by male strangers when they're walking at night really uncomfortable. If you do this, you need to be aware that they may be likely to 'slot' your behaviour into their mental file for Mad Stalker as they may not have any other referents. By 'approached' I mean a romantic or sexual or friendly approach like 'have you got a boyfriend?', 'would you like to go for coffee?', 'I like you, do you like me?' 'do you want to be my friend?' or similar. That sort of approach crosses normal boundaries (it's trying to short-circuit the 'natural' way of approaching somebody in a relaxed context and because of common interests or work or whatever), and because the woman may interpret it as threatening ('he's a stalker'), she may well not realise that it may be an inept attempt to make friends rather than an aggressive, demanding or needy approach.
Several of these men immediately tried to deal with my nervousness by explaining that they were not Mad Stalkers, they were really nice men. This never works. Trust me on this.
Add a rule to your mental toolkit, if it's not there, for: if a woman may find an approach 'threatening' because she's trying to get home and doesn't want to be approached romantically, think first.
Woofb
I grew up in the suburbs but I now live in a downtown area and this is SO TRUE. I mean, cripes, it's the CITY: DON'T APPROACH ME FOR A CHAT-UP on the city streets! Because, yes, you will get slotted into the mad stalker/rapist/murderer category with little matter as to how nice or sane you may seem.
And, funny, I've had enough men say exactly that: "I'm not a stalker or anything." --Um, yeah. Now that you mention it, that's only confirmed how quickly I want to run away from you right now.
Most guys don't seem to get it that the city is a dangerous place and especially for women. I don't go out after business hours without company. So don't chat me up for a date.
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Like hale says creepiness is a “vibe”. It also doesn't relate very well to personal safety in practice as often the people that will harm you have a very good grasp of how not to give off signs, e.g "charismatic".
There are some contradiction is human behaviour. People can make lists, but only some on the written list will relate to the vibe at the time, and it can be contradictory (i.e a buff but dirty body, sweat, etc). It is a dynamic thing. Communication difficulties (especially non verbal) can create creepiness vibe, also nervousness can be contagious. But if you over think this you will not get out of that cycle it is self fulfilling.
These post are helpful in a way, however i would take everything with a pinch of salt. Chances are you are going to give of different vibes at different times. So I wouldn’t lose sleep of past experiences.
Another important thing to note is there can be an extremely fine line between different “vibes”. You may be giving off a warm vibe, but for a fraction of a second put a chill down someone spine, however you cannot view this in isolation. Even a positive experience might be one where it leaves the person feeling a little vulnerable.
Creating an impression is mind boggling, however if you are in the right frame of mind, and feel you can use humour and smile, this is the easier form of communication that generally gives a positive effect. Even if it is not 100% favourable
I find men who befriend you so they can eventually get into you creeps.
I find people who sit and stare but don't do anything else creeps, or any sort of behaviour that they're doing to make you porposely uncomfortable.. is f***ing creepy. (like that guy standing behind you and heavy breathing)
I'm open minded sexually so saying sexual things doesn't make them a "creep".. desperate and unattractive maybe but not a creep.
Do I come across as that?
This is geared towards adult men, as the dynamics between teenagers is a little different on some matters.
1. Do not mention anything of a sexual nature.
2. Respect her personal space. Do not touch her. Do not stand too close to her.
3. Do not stand in close proximity just staring and breathing heavily.
4. Do not ask too many questions. If the conversation consists of you asking questions and her giving terse answers, she likely is not interested. If she is interested, SHE will continue the conversation when you stop asking questions.
5. Do not ask information that a woman generally is not comfortable giving out to strangers. For example, do not ask where she lives. Do not ask her age.
6. Do not ask her name up front. You may tell her your name. If she does not respond by introducing herself, she doesn't want to give you her name. If you are able to have a conversation with her and she seems to be receptive to it, you may ask her name at the end of the conversation.
7. Conversations should consist more of exchanges of statements than questions.
8. Just because she smiles it does not mean she is interested in you. A better indicator is how willing she is to continue the conversation when you go silent. That still might not mean she is interested in you, but it does indicate she doesn't think you are creepy.
9. Don't approach women who are young enough to be your daughter. I know you still might feel (insert age) even though you don't look it....but so do women your age, so give them a chance.
10. Do have maintain good oral hygiene.
11. Do wear clean clothes.
That's all I can think of right now aside from that which should already be obvious to sane people.
The general points are, give her space and be non-intrusive, both physically and intellectually.
you are a nut.
i do not need to be told what i may and may not do.
it is not the case that i am interested to do or ask anything that you mention.
i really could not care less who you are or how old you are or where you live or what your name is.
i could not care what your hopes are or what your dreams are or anything about you.
if you do not get in my way, i will not approach you if i have to get to a place that is behind you.
not all men are how you think of them, and if you told me what you said in this post personally, you would be talking to yourself after the first sentence you uttered.
some people think they are so precious that they have delusions that any action performed by anyone in their presence is designed to seduce them.
live where you want.
think what you will.
answer to what ever name pricks up your ears.
it is not important to me.
What I have noticed is people with few insecurities and confident are creeped out by very little. They would even jokingly flirt with people who might otherwise creep someone else out.
Creepiness is very much a vibe not an absolute. There isn't a set of rules that applies to all women.
Me and a female friend have been creeped out by the same person for similar reasons.
I was going to say if someone is creep out most of the time it is they should deal with it, but I understand the OP is more about those men who want to approach women and not come across as creepy, rather than orders.
you make scant or even no sense. what is the right end of the stick? i never ordered a word salad so i will not pay for one. . please rephrase your message to me?
actually you make no sense at all and i will not stay awake much longer to listen to words that are pressed through a grater of unknown design.
really sorry . talk to someone else.
i am off to sleep.
snnnnnnore.....
b9 you wrongly assumed the world revolves around you and the OP (original post) was a personal affront to you. It was meant only as friendly advice to those who purposely wanted to approach women and not come off as a creep. Anyone with basic common sense can see you got the wrong idea.
My word salad is due to cognitive problems, worsened under fatigue. If you wish to take it up with me, you are welcome to.
As you are not someone who applies to this, and many posts, in the "love and dating" section you’d do well not to post on them.
Enjoy your sleep.
I was going to say if someone is creep out most of the time it is they should deal with it, but I understand the OP is more about those men who want to approach women and not come across as creepy, rather than orders.
you make scant or even no sense. what is the right end of the stick? i never ordered a word salad so i will not pay for one. . please rephrase your message to me?
actually you make no sense at all and i will not stay awake much longer to listen to words that are pressed through a grater of unknown design.
really sorry . talk to someone else.
i am off to sleep.
snnnnnnore.....
What are you going on about?
I can't make any sense out of your posts. Are you trying to take the piss?
ok i agree that it was not addressed to me in particular. it seemed to me at the time that she was talking to all men, and i did not think it was fair because i am a man and i never do the things she told me not to do.
it seemed to me like going to someones place and them saying as you walk through the front door "if i catch you in my bedroom rifling through my drawers, i will throw you out. if i catch you going through my wallet i will ask you to leave. if i catch you drinking my juice from the bottle i will tell you to go..." etc.
if someone tells me not to do things that i would not have done anyway, i become defiant. it is a fault in my personality.
i did not know it was because you had a cognitive difficulty. your other posts make sense to me, and i thought you were mad at me for disagreeing with the woman who made the OP, and that was why it seemed angrily typed and garbled. i thought you were angry at me for daring to dispute another woman's words.
i am sorry. i do not ever insult someone who has trouble with their cognition.
i agree i should remember to read what section i am in before i post. sorry again.
I can't make any sense out of your posts.
oh well. no need for you to worry about it.
Well from my observation, the post was intended to help people who come across as creepy who do these things maybe without realising. If a guy doesn't he'd just go "meh, this thread doesn't apply to me". But instead of doing that you kick up a stink like it was about you directly.
Well, I can at least say I respect you for being able to admit fault and misunderstanding, b9. Few people have the integrity. ^^
But yeah though, I usually have a worse problem with the more subtle aspects. I tend to go a bit malfunctory in the thick of some thicker social situations. I've managed to not completely creep anyone out for a while now, but I do have trouble not looking like a fool. .__.;
The rules when it's just you and the one other person are a lot more lax, and you can bend them to all hell if you can get a bit of a feel for the person, but if you do things like that around others, you start to set off all these paranoias from people about what the other person(s) will think about what you just said and how they should react to it to not be put in the same block with you. All these judgments that people can pretend not to have or simply ignore when they're alone just come up to the surface. =/ It's awfully frustrating.
I just wish I could get to know everyone I meet totally one-on-one, but then I wouldn't know enough about them to know how to start a conversation! >.<;... It's so confusing sometimes.
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goodness you are an irritable thing.
you remind me of a poodle that chomps on to a towel that can not be shaken off.
relax. it is just life in the big smoke. i made my apology and that is the end of the matter.
i am out of here now.
Last edited by b9 on 19 May 2010, 8:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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just a thought and certainly an generalization...
but with respect to relationships... it seems guys are more creepy in procuring a relationship whereas women are more creepy in trying to maintain a relationship.
meaning... guys tend to come off creepy crazy without even trying when approaching women while women might have to fight off the creepy crazy tendencies to make sure the men are genuine.
both approaches can certainly lead to creepy situations that inappropriately invade the other person's space
but perhaps this is why we hear about so many guys having issues approaching women as much as we hear about women getting jealous ect and rifling through stuff ect.
i just wonder at the dynamics of creepiness for both sexes.
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