i have been single. for. ever.

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Diamond, I was actually paraphrasing advice several other people had already said.

Most of this thread has been about the meaning and merits of "just get out there." I'm not sure there's anything further I could add on the subject.

There were 2 points I was trying to make.
1) People are saying "go out to public places, do group activities, get to know people, and generally take some initiative." (Or in other words, "just get out there.") But they're also saying "don't deliberately look for someone you might want to date, just let it happen. You'll meet the right person by coincidence." This is a bit contradictory on the surface, and it seems like the sort of thing that would confuse people.

2) "Just let it happen" involves a certain passivity. But once the universe places someone interesting in your path, it's probably a good idea to switch off the passivity and try to get to know the person. And if you're a believer in the "friend zone," it's even more important to take some initiative and start flirting early. It seems like this is even more an issue for men, because while it seems ok for women to ask men out now, no one expects it, but I think women still expect men to ask them out. "Just let it happen" has worked for me, but I'm also a woman and I was curious if that made any difference.

Does this clear anything up? Sorry for being vague earlier. I'm kind of tired.

That is a better explanation.

Plus, if I appeared angry in my response, I wasn't. It was tongue-in-cheek.
But I do protest against vague advice.

LOL, no problem. I didn't think you were angry, just confused and maybe a little frustrated.

I now know you use the angry face when you're being tongue in cheek, rather than a or a . This is good to know.

I was in a similar position to the OP until about six months ago. Up to then, my "singledom" had been a cause of great distress and I would have done just about anything to have a girlfriend.

How things have changed. I came to realise that putting having a GF as the number one aim in life was a waste of life. I came to recognise several obvious realities that my life choices were leading me towards. Mainly...........
a) Focusing too much on women detracts from the reast of your life. Sure, if you are able to meet the woman for you, go for it but obsessing and pining over this will waste your time on earth. Build yourself a life. Get a hobby (or hobbies). Play a sport. Basically, get out and do s**t that others guys do. There are lots of ways to have fun that don't involve women.
b) Women are less than wonderful at the best of times. The vast majority of women I have compelled myself to talk to are either extremely stuck-up, have little or no personality, are complete b*****s, have no sense of humour, lack intelligence, have little or no sense of social graces (and that one is coming from an Autistic), irrespponsible, overweight, have no sense of presentation, ugly or have any of an infinite other significant problems. Yet despite this, I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't think she is the sexiest thing on two legs.
c) The aim of woman hunting must never be to find A woman for you. The aim of woman hunting must be to find THE woman for you. If you don't find THE woman then build yourself a life you can enjoy as a single person. Whilst I believe for every man, THE woman is out there somewhere, there is a lot of dead wood floating around.
d) Remember - and this took me till I was nearly 44 years of age to work out - that one guy has a woman doesn't make him a better man than another guy who doesn't. A woman does not make you a man. YOU make yourself a man. Next time you walk down the street, have a look at how many women you see with their "real men". You won't see many. Women in the modern era have a tendancy to settle for weak men they can easily dominate. Most of these guys know they are not real men and that they are lucky to have a woman. I have actually seen - as painful as it is to watch - women criticise their weak men in public. The "men" in question just stand there and take it, no doubt telling themselves that public humiliation is a small price to pay to not be single. To illustrate the point, most of the guys at the gym I go to are what I call real men - they can stand up for themselves and won't trake s**t from anyone, let alone a woman. Some of these guys have women and some are single but no one cares. I have adopted this attitude and lately, I don't care either.
e) Women are basically stupid. Most of them want a guy that will treat them like s**t. Just look how many chicks the bad boys get. Pretty much every guy I have ever met who is really good with women has perfected the art of treating women like less than dirt and getting them to like it. Do you really want to stoop to being like this just to score? Have you no human decency? Would you want a woman who is prepared to let you treat her like this? Personally, I could (probably) fit a woman into my busy lifestyle, but she would have to be of sufficient self-respect to demand I treat her well and be prepared to leave if I didn't.

By all means, look for THE woman who can actually add to and enrich your existence (as opposed to sucking the life out of you). But accept that some people just don't find someone. s**t happens. Either way, you owe it to yourself to make YOU the focus of your life and keep women in the proper perspective.

AspiRob, bravo, well said.

You talk a ton of sense there. I realised too late you really have to concentrate on your life and stop pining over women, and despite knowing this it is still really hard to take when one of my women friends find a new man.

I know people who say "get out there" mean well, but it really is easier said than done. I've been on my own so long with no social life actually 'getting out there' will be really, really hard.

And always remember to 'just get out there' for the right reasons, to have some fun, do something interesting, and not to hope to find a woman. My brother did just that when he signed up for some Spanish classes. He found it was all couples and packed it in after 3 weeks.

I've been single for a longgggg time, too -- almost six years! It sucks...I'd love to have a nice girl to come home to and so on...in my case, I found that I was more successful with girls when I was a teenager than now, in my 20s. Anyone else find that same pattern? I'm guessing that it has to do with having what a girl wants as a teenager...but because of how my AS limits my development, I haven't progressed as fast as my peers and most other guys have passed me now. Thoughts?

Hello Ontario!

I have thoughts, but you won't like them:

you need a therapist who can train you to know what women need emotionally in a relationship.

My ex-boyfriend is so proud of the fact that he had two girlfriends in his early twenties who stayed with him for 2 1/2 years, a greencard marriage that ended in divorce, and one more who was desperate to get married a little later...

and he's horrible in a relationship. He has NO idea how awful he is to the women he dates, except for the most obvious awful things guys do.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Also, read "22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man Who Has Asperger's" by Rudy Simone. Read it carefully. It says important things like, "Get Counseling. Don't compartmentalize--your girlfriend should know and spend time with your friends and family. Be willing to commit."

The thing I see from Aspies the most, which makes me want to injure many of them, is that they go for the hottest chick in the room, and then dump her when they get bored.

You are also going to need to accept that a lot of the time, as an Aspie, you won't want to be in a relationship--but if it's basically o.k., you should stay anyway.

Just because that chesty chick across the room makes better obsession material, doesn't mean you should be rejecting all the nice, average looking women in the room--or the nice, average-looking woman you're with.

The title of this thread pretty much describes my situation.
I've been single for what feels like an enternity!!
I've never have dated, and its quite depressing.

My definition of forever does not mention age. <.< It is closer to timelessness.

I'll probably end up dying alone and never have known love.

You have a dog that loves you. You can't be all bad.

"i have been single for. ever." --> welcome to the forum.

AspiRob I agree with some of what you've said (and some of it's very well said), except I disagree with the line of reasoning pertaining to:

Just thought I would hop on board this thread.

I never had many boyfriends when I was young. I then had a somewhat troubled relationship from age 22ish to about 28ish (I had my son from this relationship). I think I had no concept at that time that I may deserve to be treated right! Sounds dumb I know - but I think that I had not been brought up to value myself.

Having split with him - I focussed on me & my son. I spent 12 years as a single parent. It seemed to trouble others a lot of the time that I was single - more than it bothered me I think. I have some regrets about being single all that time. It would have been nice to have been part of a proper family for both me and my son. It would have been nice to have had someone to help me and support me and take me away from it all from time to time.

When my son was 15 and going out a lot - I decided to try and find someone through online dating. It happened fairly quickly. I met someone. He seemed to really like me. I liked him. We soon started to use the word love and it felt right to do so. He proposed - I accepted. The wedding clothes were bought. THEN I had a visitor that told me he was married. That she was an American who went back to her home to get away from him because he beat her. I felt like I had just been hit by a truck. I felt very humiliated.

It is now 5 years on - he is still part of my life (not married - sometimes dating each other - sometimes not) - OMG it has been and still is very complicated!! ! If we are not dating - I want to find somone else to date. I feel lost and alone without him and terrified I will spend another 12 years alone! The whole experience is very bitter sweet. I have experienced a love I have never felt before but I have also experienced many feelings of utter confusion and distress.

Today - I don't even know if I'm in a relationship or not? After a 3 month split (we didn't see each other at all or communicate) I did make contact with him to say sorry for some hurtful things I had said. He said he was sorry too. We went out for a meal (it felt right - he was the best company I had had in the past 3 months) I asked him if he was interested in getting back with me the next day and he said yes. I had two weeks of feeling my choice was right and I had that warm feeling of contentment. Then he sent me a text to say that it didn't work for him. He wanted out before building my hopes up. He couldn't do a full on relationship!! After a struggle to make contact with him - he than said he didn't want to lose me - but he still didn't want us to move in together or anything - this life style wasn't for him but felt it was what I wanted. I told him that his news had shattered me once again and that I could feel myself falling into a very dark place

We spoke of ways of being together. I said that friendship was difficult because it would mean walking along NOT holding hands - sitting watching TV NOT cuddled up together. He said we would always be more that just friends. We went for a walk in the sunshine today - walking home he reached for my hand. Now I won't see him again till Wednesday.

Sorry this is a bit of an essay - feels good poring it out though. Not very fitting to the post and not what I set out to say - but it's done now