Please advise !possible aspie guy told me not to contact him

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HopeGrows
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31 May 2010, 6:14 pm

sinsboldly wrote:

HopeGrows wrote:

I can't explain it, beyond speculation: could be a combination of stress, immaturity, meltdown, frustration, embarrassment, attempt to avoid intimacy....whatever. The common thread I've found is that there's typically no warning, no attempt to discuss the problem at hand - just a massive, relationship evaporating explosion (that's quite effective at ending the relationship) - and the lack of regret.

.

my gawd, HopeGrows! this exact behavior in women get them labeled Borderline Personality Disorder! It is seen as 'the silent treatment' and seen as an attempt to 'manipulate' others socially. Personally I see it as a simple 'no means no'.

Merle

Well, my understanding of BPD involves many more criteria than those I've mentioned above. However, if you consider the Executive Function challenges associated with ASD, the behavior I've described is (sadly) consistent with those challenges. I think there are probably mitigating circumstances/conditions associated the with individuals engaged in the behavior I've described, but ASD is a big part of it.

(Also, "no means no" is not applicable in these circumstances, as there was no question on the table.)

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sinsboldly
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31 May 2010, 6:34 pm

HopeGrows wrote:

sinsboldly wrote:

if he is an Aspie, he probably doesn't hate at all.

Aspies don't hate? I'm going to keep that filed next to "Aspies don't lie" and "Aspies don't cheat" - cause in my experience, there's nothing about being Aspie that eliminates those behaviors.

I apologize if you misunderstand my meaning, HopeGrows. I am saying in this situation he doesn't 'hate' her. I had no idea I was speaking for all Aspies and how they feel, as I was responding to this alleged Aspie and his confusion over the woman's behavior.

sorry if you had the impression my advice would include something as idiotic as to dictate ALL behaviors can be explained by one blanket stereotype.

Merle

sinsboldly
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31 May 2010, 6:36 pm

HopeGrows wrote:

sinsboldly wrote:

HopeGrows wrote:

the question on the table was being friended then un-friended = saying 'no' to the relationship. do try to keep up. .

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hale_bopp
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31 May 2010, 7:05 pm

Aspie men do this to me sometimes.

You really should explain to him that the only reason you removed him as a friend was because you felt he was rude and never replied to your messages, but you still like him and want to work it out.

He had a tantrum because you removed him from face book so that is the root of the problem. Explain why you did it.

Kenjuudo
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31 May 2010, 7:08 pm

sinsboldly: There are a few slight differences between how women think and how men think, and no matter if HopeGrows sounds annoyingly inaccurate in her assessment, she's actually spot on when she says the signals are largely indecipherable. Men doesn't deal with "no means no" in the same way as women. At all.

But I can perfectly well see myself in the same shoes as this guy we're talking about, because I've been there and done exactly what he does. Although I might not be correct (maybe due to lack of information), I think this guy is avoiding petitefille because he thinks she hates him. He is actually trying to avoid awkward situations and being hurt.

The only way this can be fixed is to get him in on a 1 on 1 conversation with no risk of being interrupted by anybody else. That's what I think.

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sinsboldly
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31 May 2010, 8:03 pm

Kenjuudo wrote:

the only annoying thing was to be thought I would make a blanket statement of what all Aspies (or anyone else, for that matter, ) said, did or was capable of. :roll:

Once that was ironed out, no worries, mate.

Merle

HopeGrows
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31 May 2010, 8:08 pm

sinsboldly wrote:

HopeGrows wrote:

sinsboldly wrote:

if he is an Aspie, he probably doesn't hate at all.

Aspies don't hate? I'm going to keep that filed next to "Aspies don't lie" and "Aspies don't cheat" - cause in my experience, there's nothing about being Aspie that eliminates those behaviors.

@sinsboldly, I don't think I misunderstood you at all - your explanation really doesn't change what you wrote, which is that because this guy is Aspie, he doesn't hate this woman. Since you don't know the people involved, and haven't observed the behavior described, I'm at a loss as to how you could possibly draw that conclusion - unless you're applying a "blanket stereotype" - like Aspies are somehow incapable of hate. (See, I keep up just fine.

Notice how the "very happy" icon doesn't hide sarcasm and condescension?)

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HopeGrows
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31 May 2010, 8:11 pm

Kenjuudo wrote:

sinsboldly: There are a few slight differences between how women think and how men think, and no matter if HopeGrows sounds annoyingly inaccurate in her assessment, she's actually spot on when she says the signals are largely indecipherable. Men doesn't deal with "no means no" in the same way as women. At all.

But I can perfectly well see myself in the same shoes as this guy we're talking about, because I've been there and done exactly what he does. Although I might not be correct (maybe due to lack of information), I think this guy is avoiding petitefille because he thinks she hates him. He is actually trying to avoid awkward situations and being hurt.

The only way this can be fixed is to get him in on a 1 on 1 conversation with no risk of being interrupted by anybody else. That's what I think.

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Mudboy
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31 May 2010, 8:13 pm

I have a similar problem when I feel hurt by women. If I start and remain in the friend zone I am fine. It only happens if I thought the relationship got serious then went bad. I don't totally ignore the girls, but I try hard not to look at them or get into conversations with them. I wish they would apologize and tell me they love me, but that is fantasy and would never happen. Since I don't know how to handle it, I avoid them. I worry if I give an inch, and look at her, my self control will all crumble, and I would try for the friend zone again. If I tried the friend zone, it probably would not work. I don't know if I would cry, or be entirely too forward and needy seeming. It feels like I am falling in a trap when I look at her. I want her, but she will destroy me. Am am a moth and she is the flame.

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Kenjuudo
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31 May 2010, 8:15 pm

Shouldn't we at least try to stay on topic?

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Kenjuudo
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31 May 2010, 8:18 pm

Mudboy wrote:

Damn good description of what he's going through. I think that's exactly what is happening.

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Eldanesh
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31 May 2010, 9:33 pm

Well, um, from a converse perspective, maybe he saw a rare person he could talk to but was afraid you would want a romantic relationship. If he is like me he might spend most of his social energy identifying the "threats" from possible friendships and proceeding to remover/piss off said threats.

nick007
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31 May 2010, 9:38 pm

I've been in similar situations as that guy at work before(I won't get into all the details here) & I've had problems till the women left the job. I'm not sure what kind of job it is but if it's causing any kinds of problems in the work place; it mite be a good idea to speak to a supervisor about it. Having to take a longer route to avoid him is not being productive in the workplace. Maybe you or him could be transferred to a different department where you would have contact less & pass by each other less or something. In my cases I was lucky cuz the women left awhile after due to problems with management. In one case my supervisor was having issues with the girl as well so we stuck together when ever one of us had to pass by her area

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petitefille
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01 Jun 2010, 12:19 pm

Mudboy wrote:

Hello Mudboy
A moth and the flame I like your quote maybe you should try harder to express yourself to whom you love. If he were to say something like what you wrote to me I would definitely fall in love with him.
Can I ask you one thing though what do you mean by you wish they would aplogise to you, what do they need to apologise for if you dont mind ?

alex
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01 Jun 2010, 12:23 pm

you should ask him out on a date.

petitefille
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01 Jun 2010, 12:34 pm

Thanks all for your advice. I really appreciate your help.
Well there are more to say but I am not going to reveal too much details.
To be honest I dont know what I want from him anymore, I genuinely liked him and wanted to be his friend.
I felt comfortable talking to him and wanted to know him better. However it did not work out as I hoped.
I dont think it will ever work out but if he does not mind I would like to be his friend.
I am already in relationship( very unhappy one )and he knows about it
Having to chat to him made me very happy at work and I even looked forward to going to work because I could see and chat to him...I thought he might be the one who will make me happy. But I guess it's not.

Ive decided to learn to ignore his behaviour. And actually his behaviour was not bad today. :roll:

Just one more question would be it offensive to him if I ask him whether he has high functioning asperger syndrome ?

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