The "kids" issue, your take

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I never want kids, no matter how much society wants me to procreate. I may be one of the most neurotypical Aspies you'll ever meet, but if science proves Asperger's syndrome and other forms of autism to be hereditary, I don't want to knowingly bring another Aspie into the world, to have to go through the same crap I went through or worse. Truth be told, I myself wish I was born NT instead.

Nor would I ever date a woman who already has kids of her own, no matter how hot she is. I don't want to be an instant daddy. With such a woman, I'd probably become a kept man at most, provided she's got money. I've already got a low opinion of children as it is.

personally i'm all for having kids someday

People will not pressure you about kids if they suspect your a pedophile Some people including my parents are curious about me because I listen to pop music(some of those singers are under 18 ), I appear not be interested in relationships, I don't openly talk about sexual stuff like some(or lots) of guys do, I'm quiet, keep to myself, have a history of being bullied, & I have a warped sense of humor; I kinda fit the stereotypical profile of one. I really dislike being around kids(younger kids are worse cuz of the crying, yelling, fighting ect) & if I don't want to go to a family function or something where kids are; my parents don't pressure me. When I was little my mom used to talk about how she wanted to be a grandma but my parents never pressure me or make comments now.

I dated an older woman once, she were about 3-4 year older than me, she had a kid and a 50/50 relationship with her ex.

Now:

- Do i want a stranger to show up every so often?

- Do i want something that is screaming and is generally annoying around me?

- Do i want to do the work someone else should do?

- Do i want a second job for the next ~18 years?


The answer to all those questions: NO!

My family (mom) sometimes ask me about it, but i just say that all i want is a relationship with a girl - and nothing else, and that i do not give a flying s**t about what society "demands" from me. And *i* am not responsible for other peoples failed relationships in which kids were produced.

I want to live my life as i see fit, i want to be happy, i want to be able to do whatever i want, and i need serious alone time for myself. Having kids will ruin all of that.

Do not want! Ever read "We need to talk about Kevin" by Lionel Shriver? I think I'd be just like her main character if I had a kid... I'd resent my loss of freedom and the sacrifices. It's not worth it, considering my only reason for having them is 'just to see what they turn out like'.

I don't think it's unreasonable of the OP not to want to date someone with kids.

I like children, and part of me likes the idea of being a pseudo-mommy, where I can spend as much time as I'd like with them and then hand them back to some other poor woman at the end of the day... but if I got the kind of kids who immediately resent any girlfriend that comes along.. it'd be understandable, but a bit galling all the same to be in some kind of power struggle over daddy with a five year old...

I know that sounds quite childish of myself. I'd agree, but that's why I don't want them. I mean, I guess having kids might make you grow up quickly and become a decent well rounded human being, and you may have unconditional love for them etc.. but wow, big risks to take for something you can't edit-undo...

I tend to feel the same. I don't hate kids, but I'd really rather not deal with them for many of the reasons outlined already here.

I don't date women with kids. It's one of my few general rules about dating I still hold to. While some such women(and I know a few) make fine friends, I wouldn't be able to date them because I don't want that added responsibility of a kid involved. Obviously I'm at no point in my life to be raising a kid, let alone someone else's.
It does tend to make dating more hard as time by goes by though and more and more of the dating pool is filled with single mums...

Although I'm still open to having my own kids someday with the right woman. I just want a girlfriend and a happy couple's life first, then settle down together and then maybe I can deal with having kids.

Before being diagnosed with AS I was very against having kids... I viewed life as unnecessarily difficult, the world full of difficult people who are not interested in participating in the betterment of life as a whole, people unable to grasp things I find simple like quantum mechanics (because I am unable to grasp things they find simple like saying hello to a person sitting next to them on the bus... everyone here can probably relate) - and ultimately life is a horribly unbalanced situation - why does an orgasm - something which takes effort to achieve, last mere seconds while a toothache can occur with no user input and lasts days or weeks if untreated? Dreadfully unbalanced and all else in life follows a similar pattern. A healthy person can be carrying about necessary behavior like walking and suddenly break his leg through no fault of his own, causing intense pain and disability - but can a healthy person accidentally achieve intense pleasure and superhuman strength the same way? Entropy, it seems, is not limited to broken eggs and spilled milk.


Fast forward to now. I now understand why life has been an unusual challenge to me. In my youth, life was hard because people had NT expectations of me and it was incredibly difficult (as many here know) to be a handicapped person who doesn't *look* handicapped and is capable of coherence and the occasional brilliance. Ordinary people were given no obvious clues that I would behave and respond differently to NT input so they were confused by me and I was confused and enraged by how easy life appeared for everyone other than me. While I now understand why and forgive myself, I spent a lot of time hating myself for being such a ret*d about life.

Dad was just like me, eccentric, almost certainly AS. When I shared my diagnosis with mom, she did some reading and said "Holy crap, that's your father!" - so there's more ammo for the heredity cannon.

So where does that put me on this topic? I have a girlfriend, hopefully soon wife. We both want to spend our lives together, she understands why I'm a little off, and accepts my eccentricities as flavor on her favorite meal. She wants children, and almost left me to pursue someone who would want them. I did a lot of deep thinking on the topic for the first time in years - the pivotal thought was "what makes me think my offspring will have a less troubled life than me?" and the answer to that is an obvious one: I know something my parents couldn't have known - specifically why I'm different. If I have a child with AS I feel confident that we'll be able to give him or her the tools they need to rock that s**t instead of being handicapped by it. Or I may have completely NT kids, my sister seems fairly "normal" albeit much more brilliant than average. Whichever way, I'm not going to keep pretending I'm the one with the handicap, it's the rest of society that's handicapped. I don't see them doing half the stuff with their lives I'm doing with mine Joni and I are healthy, active, stable, successful, motivated, and while I can't speak for myself she kicks ass. We're going to have the best kids possible, and if they are as eccentric as I am we'll have the understanding necessary to steer into alternate schools, alternate surroundings, or whatever is necessary to equip them for their own adulthood. Not a problem

Oh, and as a separate note I know that this is going to sound harsh but I am quite thoroughly serious:

Anyone who talks negatively of you, or is angry with you, or rude to you, or has the audacity to call you selfish, or otherwise has a difficult time accepting your decision to not have children - for *any* reason no matter how trivial it may seem to them, can die of arse cancer. In a fire. And be fed to pigs.

Deciding whether or not you will send your DNA into the future, write a "check" that lasts at minimum 18 years but realistically the rest of your life... IS YOUR DECISION AND YOUR DECISION ALONE and if someone can't accept that with absolute clarity, they are the one with the problem NOT YOU. End of story.

I'm not rude for saying that, they're rude for thinking their opinion matters at all in a personal decision like that.

I have a son who without any doubt has inherited his condition from me.

I love him very much, and the fact that I recognize and understand his way of thinking and acting more than most people do, means that we are very close (maybe aspies do not fully understand the NT's and their way of interacting socially, but the NT's for sure does not understand aspies either).

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. I have a soon to be 4 year old son and I love him more than anything in the world. I have so much fun with him and he makes he happier than I can explain. Although I love kids (mine, particularly) they are a lot of work. You do have to give up a lot to have children and it is a major test of your patience. I am not with my son's biological father. He left me when I first became pregnant. I have been in 2 long relationships since he left. One was with a guy I met while I was a few months pregnant. He was super supportive, but we had too many issues *none of which had to do with my son) which ultimately lead to our breakup. The next relationship (with the guy I am with now) started several months later and we have now been together 2 and a half years. What's funny is that when he and I first met, he said he would not be with a girl that had kids. In fact, I think he said he had a list of 99 reasons, all being "She has a kid" (he can be such a butt at times). I think the reson we ended up together is that I wasn't looking for a Daddy, I didn't expect him to assume all the responsibility a father would have. I just wanted a good relationship with someone that would treat my son nicely and not like a burden. I'm sure it has been difficult for him, but he is now the father figure to my son and he loves it. My son's biological father is pretty much absent and only pops up a time or 2 a year, so I think that makes it easier; not having to "share" with someone else.

So, basically, I think it is fine if you do not want to be with someone who has kids. You should never do something you don't want. Just don't let a good person slip through your hands because of reservations you have about kids. It may be completely different than what you think. But for the record (and I probably sound like a total jerk/hipocrit for saying this) I don't know that I would be able to handle being with someone who has kids. I guess it depends on the situation.

You're fine! Not a jerk at all for feeling that way.

Actually, the iPad does have spellcheck.

OP, I do not think that is unreasonable at all. It's your choice, and there's no point making yourself unhappy just for the judgments of people - they'll always find something wrong with others, regardless.

BTW, I find all the confusion about why someone wouldn't want to have kids stupid, I'm confused as to why someone would want kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they do, our species depends on it after all, but I still don't get the appeal.

I used to want kids and an ex made me change my mind, that and a family trip the week after that conversation. Spending a couple days in a hotel room with a 14 year old boy that hates everything you stand for, think about the expenses and what not and you'd rather be a wealthy uncle than a broke contribution to the gene pool.

I'm all up for having children once I find the right partner, and ONLY then. I wouldn't do adoption or dating someone with kids; I simply don't feel I could love someone else's kid. Abhor me for that choice or not, I don't care.

I actually can get along with teenagers fairly well. Some sites I used to hang-out on had some teenagers on em that wer having problems with different things like burning/cutting themselves, problems getting along with their parents, learning problems & other issues in school ect. I listened to em, gave em advice about things & I felt like I was able to help em out. I was trying to be a friend to em but I think I felt like I needed to be some kind of role model. I also was in a relationship years ago with a girl who was having some problems & I kinda felt like a parent with her at times cuz of her problems. It's really scary but it changed my frame of mind some. I'm NOT the same person I was before. When I said earlier here how I do not think I'm fit to be raising kids cuz of all my problems; I was talking more about younger kids. If by some miricle I do end up getting married & she wants kids; I would much rather adopt a teenager than her having a baby. I think most everyone else would feel the opposite way thou. Maybe it'[s cuz I still have the mind/maturity level of a teenager but I'm much more comfortable with teens than little kids

Nick, that is very interesting but it does make sense. I had a few friends 4 or so years older than me when I was a teenager and most of them had quite a few younger friends to role model for.

1) As everyone else has said, you are not being unreasonable or selfish; you have a right to this choice. There is a reason the subject was on the pre-marital counseling list we got from the church: in any solid relationship, you and your partner absolutely MUST be on the same page about this issue. There is no right or wrong answer, no more than there is with any other major life question; it's just about compatibility. OK, so you'll get pressure from parents and siblings who want grand kids, nieces, and nephews, but they also should be smart enough to know that children are not something that should ever be forced on someone who isn't sure they want them.

2) We've known plenty of couples who chose not to have children. My sister and her husband are one of them. You just have to find the right guy.

3) Ah, the last is the interesting one to me. There is always the "I have another obligation" thing, but I would personally want to know, TACTFULLY, if someone had sensory issues with my kids. I THINK I could swallow something along the lines of the following: "you know I think you have great kids, but for reasons unique to me, I really have a difficult time being around ANY kids for an extended period time, it certainly isn't just your kids, and I much prefer to socialize with you sometime where it's just adults." Really important that I know it isn't just MY kids you have trouble with, so that you aren't trying to indirectly dis my parenting choices or my kid's personalities. Also why you may need to explain how you feel - leave it to interpretation, and these people may figure out you don't want to be around the kids, and take it personally as an issue with their specific kids, which is a lot like saying you have an issue with them. So, clear and tactful communication could avert that misinterpretation.