Dating profile, advice please

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Thanks for moving this thread tinky.

So, what do you people think of the second version of my profile in the post above? Do you think it's better than the first?

Remove the negative comments in italics....

You should never list your negative qualities on a profile, aspergers or not. Girls are experts at finding your negative qualities so there is no reason to hand it to them on a silver platter. At the same time, that last part where you say "you do not have to understand everything I'm doing" was funny. That's the same as saying, "You're too dumb to understand what I'm doing." Its best not to talk much about yourself, just let her do all the talking.

Lastly, I'm assuming that you plan to translate this into a different language. If you plan to post it in English, then you need to work on that aspect of it first.

Here's the thing. I feel that I have to put in negative as well as positive qualities. The reason for this is to manage expectations. I don't want to go to a first date and then the date decides it was a flop because I told her something about myself that she wasn't expecting, while in the meantime, she assumed the opposite because of what I've written in the profile. For instance, someone could assume that I have lots of university friends because I was studying at university for 10 years and then when we finally go on a date, I tell her that I've had few friends and have Asperger Syndrome. I thought that I may get fewer responses but the ones I do get would be from people who are better prepared to deal with those things and wouldn't decide I wasn't for them after the first date. I mean, being rejected wouldn't bother me that much, it's just save time.

As for the part about where I wrote "you do not have to understand everything I'm doing", I wasn't intending to say that anyone is dumb. I already said that I wanted someone who I can talk about academic subjects but I don't want them to feel that they have to know my field. I just want to be able to talk to them about some of the work I'm doing. Maybe I should change that somehow?

One more thing, I'm English speaking and I'm not planning to translate this into any other language. The reason why I posted here first is so that I can get advice on it before putting it a website. I've never written a dating profile before and I want to make sure it says everything I want it to.

Thanks for the comments.

Aspies have a bad habit of being overly honest to the point where they shoot their own foot off. Take out the negative stuff, go out on the date and maybe, just maybe, she wont find your unmentioned aspie tendencies as obnoxious as you do.

So squelch your negative comments about yourself and above all, if you ever do get a date, make sure you NEVER say anything negative about her - even if asked a direct question.

What? Where when did I say that I find any of my aspie traits obnoxious? And surely the women who choose not to date me because of the traits I've listed on the profile would also reject me anyway when they find out later? If I don't say that I don't socialise often on the profile, they are going to find out anyway as soon as they start dating me. Also, why should not socialising often necessarily be negative? I don't necessarily think of it as negative myself and if anyone else does, then I probably won't be seeing them again beyond the first date anyway.

Part of what I'm asking advice for is how to describe some of the traits so she knows what to expect, but without saying something that would result in me being pre-judged, such as straight out saying I've got AS. However, I don't want to just say nothing about it and hope for the best.

I isolated two main problem phrases. You say you don't see lack of socilaising as necessarily a bad thing and you probably wouldn't be having another date with a woman who did. Yet these two sentences I excerpted assume that a prospective partner will like to socialise but will be willing to tolerate that you don't as long as you go along with her now and then. Otherwise, why would she have to be patient with your lack of socialising?

The way you have worded this makes it sound like you want a social girlfreind who will go out with you in between rounds of her active social life.

This is not who you should be selecting for. You should be looking for a girl who dislikes socialising just as much as you do. But you don't say, "I'd like somebody who dislikes socialising just as much as I do." You say you want a "fellow homebody" and describe homey things for just the two of you like cozy dinners for two rather than large dinner parties etc.

The idea is to select not for a girl who likes to socialise but will tolerate a man who doesn't (and she'll only tolerate it for a short while) but rather to select for a kindred spirit who is currently doing things alone but would rather do them with one other person.

What she said. Also if I may add, talking about your partner going out with friends shows you are insecure. Someone confident wouldn't even bring it up.

No. Don't put in the negatives. That will just cause people to pass your profile by.

First impressions. First impressions. First impressions.

You can get away with saying things to someone who you have spoken to and thinks you sound nice that you cannot get away with in a profile. A person could read a hundred profiles in a day. Why should they pick yours? Don't disqualify yourself too early on.

You could say that only objective of the profile is to get someone to make contact. From there you chat/correspond and maybe arrange a date,

Most people don't want to see 'lives with parents' and 'has no friends' on a profile.
You can talk about your living arrangements by phone/chat/email.

If you say something like 'quiet guy' that kind of implies that you may not be the life and soul of the party. But many will see that as a positive.

What are those favourite TV shows/movies? Name them, they give a idea of what you are like. A positive for the kind of person you are looking for. Maybe leave out any that seem to bizarre or childish.

10 years at college. That sounds like a long time for an MSc. Just mention the MSc you can discuss what you have been doing for 10 years on the phone or at the date.

Don't say you have no money! You have just finished studying so that's pretty much implied

Don't go on about poor social skills. Maybe you prefer quiet nights in to raucous parties, country strolls and art galleries to night clubs. Keep it positive.

You don't need minimum educational requirements. You're not advertising for a CEO. You are stating that you have an MSc in astrophysics. The responses that you get will be from people who feel that they can hold their own with someone like that.

You might not want to mention AS too early on either.

That's it exactly!

And as far as socializing, I can tell you for a fact that its easier to do when you have someone to do it with. Its hard to sit by yourself at the movie theater, but not hard when you are with a date or even just a friend. So don't say you wont socialize in your profile. Just take each event one at a time.

You are correct for not wanting to say that you have AS in your profile, but listing out the symptoms can sometimes be worse. If you saw a girl's profile that said "I have a mass growing inside of me and I don't know what the future will bring" you would know that she either has cancer or she's pregnant.

Also, I think you said you worked in a physics lab. I suggest you be prepared to answer a question similar to "Do you torture hamsters in your lab?" Even if the answer is yes, say no regardless. Whatever you do, don't mention it in your profile.

Regarding first impressions, you need a good photo that has a clear view of your face. If a girl doesn't like your face, she wont even look at your profile.

Ok, I see what you're saying. I didn't necessarily mean she has to have an actual social life. I added that first phrase in response to advice I got on the previous page of this thread. Ichinin said that if I put anything about my socialising in my profile, I must explain how that would effect the girl:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2868589.html#2868589.

The "patient with my lack of socialising" phrase comes from stuff I've previously read about aspie relationships, where some women complain that their social life has been stunted by being in a relationship with an aspie. I've tried to identify issues that could apply to me.

Are you saying that most people who have an active social life wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't? Although I did not necessarily mean that I wanted someone with an active social life, I didn't know that. I've never been in a relationship before and I don't know what kind of person would be compatible. As you have said, then I'll have to change it to select for someone who also does things alone.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Dilbert, I don't think I'm insecure. I didn't have that sentence initially but I added it in because I thought I was following previuos advice.

OK. I don't want to be totally negative, just want to be balanced.



Yes, although I also want to use the profile to select for a specific kind of person because I'm looking for a long term relationship. Also, I take it you've only read the profile I wrote on the first page because I've since removed the "living with parents" sentence.

I've got a few friends, some close ones, but not that many. I just don't want to go on a date with someone who expects me to have lots friends when I don't. What do people read into "don't have many friends" that makes it so negative? I don't have a problem they don't choose my profile because they won't tolerate me not having any friends because then it won't go well anyway. However, if it causes some other negative impression that might not be true, then I'd like to know about it so that I can change that phrase.



Yes, I think that could be a good suggestion. Thanks.



Again, someone else already gave that suggestion and I've listed them already:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2881476.html#2881476.

Thanks for the suggestion, anyway.



Actually, my MSc only took 3 years - the 10 years ant university also includes the undergraduate courses plus a bridging year. I didn't say it took me 10 years to do my MSc.



I do have money. I got my first salary for the research assistant job at the end of June. What I said was that I didn't have enough money to afford to live on my own. However, that is no longer in my profile as I wrote it above. As for the poor social skills thing, I'll try to write it in a way that makes it sound more positive. Thanks.



Of course, I'm not writing a CV. But want to be able to talk the person about academic subjects. I also just thought that mentioning my academic credentials would be appealing to a like-minded person, however I don't want to go into too much detail about that though. The people who feel they can hold their own with someone with an MSc, as you say, are exactly the kind of people that I want responses from.

Thanks for the suggestions.

You are wasting your time....

but nice try tho.

You're right, I only saw the first cut.

You would probably need a psychology expert to break it down properly.
I'm going on gut feel and what worked for me. i.e. plenty of dates and been with my last date for 18 years.

"don't have many friends" sounds negative where as "have a small circle of close friends" sounds positive. IMO

Talk about what you have not what you don't have.



A lot of people will think that you can get an MSc in 5-6 years so why did this guy take 10. It is something to talk about on the date but I think that on the profile some will see it as a warning flag.

IMO there is took much talk of not socialising. You don't want to sound like a hermit who will be in the lab all hours of the night.


It is a compatibility issue. You will be better off with someone who likes a similar amount of socialising as you do. Sure, your partner will want to go on girls nights without you but if she keeps getting invited to couple events that could be an issue.
Bear in mind that becoming a part of a couple could double or more than double the number of family events that you need to attend.

You could say something along the lines of you prefer spending time with just your special person than socialising in groups.



Maybe you misunderstood me. Mentioning your qualifications is fine but the other person shouldn't feel as though they need to be an astrophysicist to get on with you.

Going on dates should be be fun. There are loads of nice people around. Don't rule too many people out before you even get to speak to or meet them. Otherwise you may get no responses at all.

Get some responses first. Then you can decide whether or not they sound compatible.
If you are lucky enough to get hundreds of responses get a sister to filter then for you

A date can still be a good day/evening out even if the person does not turn out to be the one.

Good luck.

jonos, Think of it like you are writing a resume for your career. You wouldn't say things like "I won't do this or that," "I'm not a good choice for that kind of work," etc. So basically, a date, if you ever get one, is going to be like a an interview for the job of being that girl's boyfriend.

Why would you say I was wasting my time? Is it because you haven't been successful? I know of aspies who have been successful in finding partners, however that does not mean that doing so wasn't harder for them than the average person. I've never previously had a relationship, or have even been on a date, but I think this might be easier for me than face-to-face interaction. That in addition to the fact that, at the moment, I can't ask anyone on a through face-to-face interaction anyway because I'm not really meeting any new people. You can feel free to think I'm wasting my time if you like but until that's proven to be the case, I think I'll take my chances.



Thanks for the advice. In addition to not being negative, that would still get across what I was trying to say.



You can get an MSc in 6-7 years. As for why it took me longer, that's partly because I stretched out my Honours over two years and took a few extra subjects in Mathematics and Applied Mathematics in addition to the physics, (Honours is the same as the fourth year BSc that you have in the US). It's also partly because I took three instead of two years to finish my MSc, plus another six months to finish writing up my thesis. However, it's not because I had to repeat any year.

In any case, do you think it would best if I just dropped saying that I spent 10 years studying at university and just mention that I have an MSc in astrophysics? I think I'll do that.

As for the not socialising bit, I think I can take that out if I just follow Janissy's advice about trying to select for someone who does more or less the same amount socialising as I, or yours above. Thanks.



Ok, I don't really want them to feel that way either. Thanks.

Sure. From the responses I've got, I think I just need write those things in a way that doesn't make it sound negative.