Doing Enough to Earning Love

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Being married for 10 years to a very good person (and having dated him for 6 and a half years before that), I'd have to say that a happy marriage is absolutely possible. That said, I do think it's very rare and hard to do. It seems to work best if you grow together. It's nice to come home to someone who cares about what went on during your day and who roots for you and who thinks you're beautiful and realizes you're not perfect but loves you anyway.

Marriage is still made up of two humans, so you have to take the moodiness or depression or illness along with all the romance and passion. It's not one long date, but sharing life. It's important to give each other space, let the other person follow his or her dreams, and keep your money separate. At least, this is my experience.

All that said, I think it'd be a great idea for marriage licenses to come with expiration dates. If you wanted to stay married, you could renew your license, just like any other license.

I have been told I can take things for granted sometimes. Earning is an odd word here I think. I choose to give my love, it doesn't have to be earned by anyone else.

I have been told I can take things for granted sometimes. Earning is an odd word here I think. I choose to give my love, it doesn't have to be earned by anyone else.[/quote

Sometimes I use inappropriate use of words on purpose. This is one of those cases. I am sure that some people think the word earning and love should not be used in same sentence. More often then not by those who don't have make any effort. Everyone else including a high proportion of NT males know otherwise. Loving is all about performing whether is trying to be NT like or earning money sufficient to be eligible.

They'll never do it of course - too much moral panic about the demise of marriage for them to do anything that would encourage dissolution - but I love the idea........it'd definitely shake a lot of people out of their complacency. Maybe it'd be like the time just before an election, when you get populist gestures to keep you sweet.

Actually divorce rates have peaked and have been steadily dropping for the last 20 years (in the US). 70% of all first marriages end upon the death of one of the parteners.

Basicly the high divorce rate is jacked up by the people who do it over and over again. Like Larry King for instance.

There are obvious reason why marrage is dying. I am sure you can work it out of you do a cross-examination with other cultures, animals and the envonment they live in.

Maybe people aren't marrying as much in the first place?

I'm just talking from my perceptions, I don't have any statistics in front of me.

Ok...Here is my take on this.

Firstly(is it even a word? )...When one says work...The connotation is to do something one doesn't really feel like doing...at least not from the heart. You may not have meant it that way...many do. I always hear that marriage needs effort...that it needs work...that there must be...Compromise...AAAHHHH...I hate that word! Again..Compromise...doing something that you really didn't feel like doing...or even hating...in order to achieve a higher gain (isn't that manipulation?). Now does this mean to never do what the other person wants...NO. I think that love allows you to enjoy making the other person happy and THAT is what makes you happy...and so you enjoy doing it. No compromise needed..no sacrifice...no work. When you can find a person of like mind set..don't let her go...it will be a loving and giving relationship. Now that brings me to the second point....

Secondly...I think the problem comes because people operate behind facades. They aren't honest as to who they are during courtship. When, once the person feels safe in marriage, they change. FALSE ADVERTISING That is where resentment takes hold. This takes the whole meaning of courtship and throws it out the window. A person should do what they love doing...their passion. When you meet a person of the same interests and passions...you can talk soul to soul, and so, a soul mate is found. A frequent tactic employed by both sexes is to hang out at locations, not of their interest, and attempt to hook someone (Yes...as in fooling someone until it is too late...they wait until you bite and they reel you in like a fish).

People don't test enough during courtship...yes, that means part of the blame goes to you (general term - not you personally). Since people control their actions during courtship, you cannot reliably look at actions...However, you can test reactions. They are, by far, the more difficult to control. Arguments will happen in marriage...especially when your partner refuses to see how right you are...sorry, we aren't talking about me here... ...the goal isn't to see if they argue...but to see if they argue fairly. A person who holds grudges...ugh...or a person who is stubborn, is not a mature person...not one a person would want to walk through life with. Now, when I say stubborn...I certainly don't mean someone who, when they don't believe they are wrong because no compelling evidence was put forth to change their mind...doesn't. That is a truly thinking person. However, when there is compelling evidence that defeats their argument and they refuse to yield because they simply cannot admit they are wrong...there is a whole lot of fighting that is going to be happening...unless you suppress your personality...and if that happens, you shall simply exist and not live life. A major part of life will involves being with other persons (if you so choose, of course). Choosing, correctly, who you surround yourself in life with, is one of the most important choices you can make.

Thirdly...Are you worthy of love? No, not everyone is worthy of it...that is where the problem arises. A selfish person...someone who puts their wants before the needs of others...is someone not worthy of love. Someone who dislikes himself is not ready for love. They are looking for someone to fix them...again, a selfish pursuit. ONLY when you truly love yourself (and you must respect yourself before you can love yourself), can you truly love another and earn their love. Without self respect, you will feel unworthy, and rightly so. They will see that you have no self respect and they will feel, that since you are chasing them, that you don't think they have self respect, and so, are a match...that is insulting...and they will rightly feel so. To have a good partner...you must be a good partner. Make yourself worthy of love, and confidence will rightly soar. Self esteem is not something you simply believe..or especially have a right to...you earn it.

Don't fall into the trap (for males), that you must be aggressive. Not in life and not in love. A partner wishing to be chased risks nothing and will wish for you (and only you) to put effort into the relationship forever. Assertion is putting forth your desire and acting naturally upon it...but without groveling...and certainly not without reciprocity from the partner. No one, worthy of love, respects aggression. It is assertion that people respect...and that is respectable.

In general in life:

To be assertive is to protect your yard.

To be aggressive is to try to raid your neighbor's yard (you know...the bully...a coward in disguise...he only picks his targets based upon his assurance that he could win - as opposed to an assertive person who defends others or himself based upon need of the attacked, regardless of the strength of the enemy - an honorable act). An aggressive lout may attract unworthy females...not the ones you want anyway.

One other important test of yourself as well as your prospective partner. The art of the apology.

If..and only if, you are wrong...you owe more than the utterances of apology. You have drawn first blood. You must expect them to be angry..of course, in appropriate relation to the offense. You allow that. You correct the offense...and, this is important...you pay back..with interest.

Do not apologize if you KNOW you are right (be assertive...fight the good fight...the honorable one). If someone tries to make you apologize for something they had done, they are seeking dominance and should you cave in...the short term effect may be one of "peace"...but the long term effect is one of no self respect and thereafter, getting no respect from them. It will increase to no end. If you know you are right...and can show the other person objectively and convincingly...that they are wrong...they are being stubborn...they will seek to impose their will upon you...knowing you will cave. You will have sold your soul to the devil...and shall live your life in hell so long as they are in your life.

Apologize correctly and you have the right to expect it back. With this, and only with this...progress can be made.

Ok...sorry for the digression. I get into my music and just manically type away. I hope this, even remotely, answers the concerns. If not, I am sorr...No, hell...I am not sorry! I rightfully meant to give good information...and I gave it dammit!! !