jdcnosse wrote:
Well at the time she might not have noticed that I was upset but mainly she tells me that it isn't my fault and that like with the date, it was still perfect even though that minor inconvenience. Otherwise the only thing I could think of is just tell him that it wasn't his fault whatever he thinks he did, and that you love him and you accept him for who he is.
OP, just a word of caution about the "accepting him for who he is" concept. This is a very difficult issue in Aspie/NT relationships. The reality is that you as the NT half of the relationship are going to have to be a kind of relationship "coach" to your bf in many ways. For example, you mentioned that he's stated several times that he's afraid of hurting you. You've probably had this conversation with him already, but one of the things he needs to understand about relationships is that he
will hurt you - that's a given. We're all human, we all make mistakes, we all cause pain to the ones we love (even when we're really, really careful and well-intended). And if he were NT, he'd still hurt you. He needs to understand that relationships don't exist in the absence of emotional risk....relationship experience isn't earned only through happy times (to quote Maroon 5, "It's not always rainbows and butterflies - it's compromise that moves us along.") Clearly part of the job of a coach is to modify perceptions and behaviors - and that means change.
I'm cautioning you because I've seen many posts here from Aspies who want to be accepted for who they are. But wanting to be accepted for who they are often translates to finding a partner who accepts them to the point that they don't have to make compromises in order to be in the relationship. (Not implying I know what the poster in this thread intended - or that all Aspies think this way - just that his comment made me think about this issue again.) The reality of relationships is that
everyone has to compromise in order to be in a relationship, so please don't set an expectation for your bf that it's your job to do all the adapting, cause it isn't. Of course that leads to the issue of trying to figure out what can be changed and what can't be changed - and that's a really, really tough job (not impossible, but tough).
I do wish you good luck, and I do hope your relationship is a long and happy one. I don't mean to point out so many negatives - it's just that the more you know at the start of the relationship, the better your chances of having a successful relationship are.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
28 Jun 2010, 11:05 pm
