Ever had a look around where you are IRL and thought...

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Tsiiki
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27 Jun 2010, 9:36 am

I'm sorry, the more and more you write, the more it seems you wanted everything handed to you on a silver platter.

It doesn't actually sound like your even looking, your just hating the world that people don't come flocking to you. Well guess what, you aren't alone there. Tons of women (and men) never have anyone interested based on sight alone. But the difference is, that most of those people go out of their way to find someone, or make friends, or start the initiative themselves.

Finding someone is no easy task. NTs and aspies/auties alike have difficulty. Quite a few (a third? maybe more?) of the posts on this forum is about how to find and manage a relationship. You search the internet and there's tons of new articles every single day about finding people, about how to keep someone interested in a date, etc. It really boils down to about 3/4s of society has to go through this sooner or later. Some find it easy, some find the right person the first time, but most struggle to find a good person to date.

But like I said, most of them are actually trying. They are signing up for the dating sites, even if the questionnaires are awkward and time consuming and annoying. They're going out of their way to be friendly, even to the quiet people they don't know.

From your posts you remind me of a guy I used to work with. He took everything WRONG. He would look at a trait at others, twist it around and apply it to himself

Example (and no, not kidding)-- "Joe talks so much, he just keeps talking and talking and talking, but he has a really hot girlfriend. Maybe if I talk a lot I'll get a hot girlfriend too"
"Korey has weird paraphernalia in his office. If I had weird paraphernalia I'd have a window office too."

I mean seriously, theres a shitton of more underlying factors than what he'd consider... like the fact that Joe is FRIENDLY, or that Korey actually works hard.

If you stop expecting things to just appear as if its your god given right, and go out there and try for a bit, maybe something would happen. (And no, not just for a week and start whining about how it doesn't work. It takes months, years, for people to find someone. That's just the way life is.)

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Jun 2010, 11:32 am

Slipperman wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Slipperman wrote:

I'm 30 years old and never had a g/f. And there doesn't seem to be any girls around the SW Ohio region where I live who might click with me (or if there are, they're already seeing some jerk)...it just seems to me that any girl who'd be into prog-rock and video-games like I am most likely would live too far away from me to be able to meet and get to know better

Tim (aka the Slipperman)

cant you move then?

I wish I could, but I can't drive and I just live off a monthly disability check...

Tim (aka the Slipperman)

Your problem is just there, few the girls who would want to date a guy who doesn't drive and doesn't work , unless if you have so super quality that compensates those (ie. some great talent, mode-like looks...) but I doubt that you have any.

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Jun 2010, 11:35 am

Slipperman wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Slipperman wrote:

Tim (aka the Slipperman)

cant you move then?

I wish I could, but I can't drive and I just live off a monthly disability check...

Tim (aka the Slipperman)

This is an useless advice, him moving to another place is risky and won't guarantee him a girlfriend. If he couldn't find a gf in SW Ohio (which is even bigger than my country) then it's very unlikely for him to find someone in any other place as long he can't drive and doesn't work.

I said this over and over ....it's all about the lifestyle.

Shebakoby
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27 Jun 2010, 11:50 am

Tsiiki wrote:

Hehe, almost. But the thing is, me 'looking' seems completely assbackwards to the way things should be. The guy is sposed to go to the girl. That's how I've always seen it done. This isn't life on a silver platter, this is the way things are.

The people i SEE are too freaking young. I'm 37. I'm seeing mostly late teens early twenties guys (and I'm POSITIVE most if not all of those are already attached). The guys that are my age? Oh you better believe they're attached...or divorced (and I want nothing to do with a divorced guy if they have kids).

Tsiiki wrote:

Finding someone is no easy task. NTs and aspies/auties alike have difficulty. Quite a few (a third? maybe more?) of the posts on this forum is about how to find and manage a relationship. You search the internet and there's tons of new articles every single day about finding people, about how to keep someone interested in a date, etc. It really boils down to about 3/4s of society has to go through this sooner or later. Some find it easy, some find the right person the first time, but most struggle to find a good person to date.

But like I said, most of them are actually trying. They are signing up for the dating sites, even if the questionnaires are awkward and time consuming and annoying. They're going out of their way to be friendly, even to the quiet people they don't know.

I'm actually quite friendly but this does not help. I'm afraid they get scared off by my friendliness. And I'm only in the 'curious' stage, not the "I'm ready to bear your children" stage.

If it's so hard, why does practically everybody I know have a SO? (And the ones that don't are merely between relationships)

Tsiiki wrote:

From your posts you remind me of a guy I used to work with. He took everything WRONG. He would look at a trait at others, twist it around and apply it to himself

Example (and no, not kidding)-- "Joe talks so much, he just keeps talking and talking and talking, but he has a really hot girlfriend. Maybe if I talk a lot I'll get a hot girlfriend too"
"Korey has weird paraphernalia in his office. If I had weird paraphernalia I'd have a window office too."

I mean seriously, theres a shitton of more underlying factors than what he'd consider... like the fact that Joe is FRIENDLY, or that Korey actually works hard.

If you stop expecting things to just appear as if its your god given right, and go out there and try for a bit, maybe something would happen. (And no, not just for a week and start whining about how it doesn't work. It takes months, years, for people to find someone. That's just the way life is.)

I'm a girl, I don't know -how- to 'try' like that (since I've been taught girls don't do the -trying-)

Last edited by Shebakoby on 27 Jun 2010, 11:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

Daemonic-Jackal
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27 Jun 2010, 11:50 am

Shebakoby wrote:

...'there's nobody here that I want?'

I've got that problem. Of course, I'm in a 'small' town, and that doesn't help. Nor can I really get out of said small town.

And when I look around, or even stop and think of people I know, I can't really say, "Oh there's a person I MIGHT think of dating."

Now why would this be?

Well for starters, nobody in my peer group liked me. Not a single freaking one. Not the boys anyway. And they all treated me badly so they are likewise not desirable for myself anyway. The term "Highschool sweetheart" holds absolutely no meaning for me. There's not a single person I can point to that I know outside of high school that I'd even think I knew well enough to go "hmmmm" about. Anyone that might even remotely be a possibility (or that I would be minimally curious about) is already attached.

One of my brothers is only a year and a bit younger than me, but he's no help. Nobody befriended him for the purpose of trying to get with either myself (or my sister for that matter, though my sister did not lack for BFs anyway--and none of my sis' BFs EVER dumped her for me). In fact most of his friends are outright hostile jerks. Only one isn't, and that one's attached/disinterested (and my brother pointed out I'm not that guy's type, privately--I'm not asian and skinny).

And that's all it is to me, curiosity. I don't know what love is (romantically) and have never felt that feeling you're supposed to get when you're in love with someone.

Sometimes I ask that one brother if he knows anyone who likes Transformers or any of those other things I like and he said no, and he wouldn't hang out with them if he knew anyone who did.

Well for a start you seriously need to stop living in the past. Move on, try get yourself out there, get to know more people, the more you do that, the more chance you have of finding someone you like.

Secondly do not even consider dating someone who is friends with your brother (or any other relative for that matter. I dated one of my cousins friends a few years ago (who I have never 100% got over, never probably will) the ex lied about the reasons she split up with me and my cousin who I now consider to be a traitor and have lost any respect I ever had for her (when a few years ago I thought of her as the closest thing I had to a sister) as she knew all along and never told me, instead leaving me to working it all out for myself. Would you really want to put yourself in a similar position? I wouldn't recommend it in a million years.

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Last edited by Daemonic-Jackal on 27 Jun 2010, 3:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hale_bopp
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27 Jun 2010, 3:24 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Slipperman wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Slipperman wrote:

Tim (aka the Slipperman)

cant you move then?

I wish I could, but I can't drive and I just live off a monthly disability check...

Tim (aka the Slipperman)

How big is SW ohio? If it's massive you've got a point. Its probably bigger than my country too.

hale_bopp
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27 Jun 2010, 3:31 pm

Shebakoby wrote:

Whether this happens or not, you still have to MEET people. Become friends with people. Get to know them. Some guy isn't going to fall out of the sky and come knocking on your door. Thinking that is absolutely ridiculous. And you shoudn't expect the guy to have to do all the work either. Some people arelucky enough for that to always happen, but the rest of us have to usually meet them halfway.

Shebakoby wrote:

The guys that are my age? Oh you better believe they're attached...or divorced (and I want nothing to do with a divorced guy if they have kids).

Well you're the one being picky then - by all means theres nothing wrong with picky - but when you're picky you also have to accept its going to be much harder and stop moaning.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but its the truth.

hartzofspace
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27 Jun 2010, 4:30 pm

I met my guy, when I stopped moaning and actually left the house! I started attending meet-ups (they have a website) tailored to shy people. I figured that I would increase the odds of meeting someone I could like, since I don't like typical Nt Alpha male types. I also started attending a support group for Adult Aspies. In about 2 years, I met a terrific guy! If I hadn't started circulating, we would never have met.

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BigK
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27 Jun 2010, 6:31 pm

Shebakoby wrote:

So, how are guys supposed to know that you are there?

More specifically how are you going to find guys who you like and will like you?

If you just wait for Prince Charming to bump into you in the street you could be waiting until you are 90.

What worked for me was small ads in the local newspaper/events magazine.
Get your ad right and you don't have to waste time with people who were never going to be compatible.
You need to be practical about it. Almost approach it in the same way as looking for a job or advertising a job.

Invite your candidates for interview. Invite one or two of the most promising for a second interview and take it from there.
Repeat this process until you find a suitable candidate.

I would have thought that the internet would have made the process a whole lot easier but according to people here it seems to be worse.

A good tip is to get a good friend to review your ad or your profile. A friend as backup can also be a useful security precaution.

If you live in a small town then sure it will be harder. You may have to be prepared to travel. A friend's wife moved from USA to UK after meeting him online. (They visited each other several times before the permanent move)

But there are probably still some people in your town who could be just right if only they knew you existed.

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Shebakoby
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27 Jun 2010, 7:32 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

Shebakoby wrote:

Isn't seeing me in town enough?

hale_bopp wrote:

Shebakoby wrote:

The guys that are my age? Oh you better believe they're attached...or divorced (and I want nothing to do with a divorced guy if they have kids).

Well, it's pre-emptive pickiness (I've never actually had to exercise it) based on it'd be a whole extra level of stress I don't want in my life. If the kids don't like me, then a guy being with me is not fair to the kids.

Shebakoby
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27 Jun 2010, 7:33 pm

BigK wrote:

Shebakoby wrote:

So, how are guys supposed to know that you are there?

More specifically how are you going to find guys who you like and will like you?

I go to town like everybody else.

BigK wrote:

If you just wait for Prince Charming to bump into you in the street you could be waiting until you are 90.

What worked for me was small ads in the local newspaper/events magazine.
Get your ad right and you don't have to waste time with people who were never going to be compatible.
You need to be practical about it. Almost approach it in the same way as looking for a job or advertising a job.

Invite your candidates for interview. Invite one or two of the most promising for a second interview and take it from there.
Repeat this process until you find a suitable candidate.

I would have thought that the internet would have made the process a whole lot easier but according to people here it seems to be worse.

Moving to be with a person from the internet is dangerous, the person could be a complete psycho serial killer and you'd never know.

hale_bopp
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27 Jun 2010, 10:06 pm

Shebakoby wrote:

Moving to be with a person from the internet is dangerous, the person could be a complete psycho serial killer and you'd never know.

Same with someone you meet IRL. Most serial killer relationships the couple didn't meet on the internet. I have met heaps and heaps guys of fthe internet. Some from the same town, some from other towns, some from other countries. None of them turned out to be serial killers.

If you meet for the first times in a public place I don't see what the problem is. You can't use the whole "they're a serial killer if i meet them on the net, they could very well be a serial killer if you meet them from a pub, and if you've met them IRL a few times that risk is no greater no matter where you found these people, unless it's a mental institution or prision. Usually for real nutters you get warning bells through your internet contact.

If it matters that much to you, learn a martial art. You have to want to get a partner enough to do all the things nessicary to make your options more open.

HopeGrows
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27 Jun 2010, 10:45 pm

OP, I don't know what you mean by "I go to town" - do you mean you go to places where people congregate, meet, gather for the purpose of socializing? Or do you mean you go to town to run errands? If we're talking about the former, then that's a good start. If we're talking about the latter, then I don't see that as a viable path to meeting someone.

Look, I think you'd do well to leave your pre-conceived notions about how people meet and how relationships are supposed to start/evolve - because those notions are clearly not working for you. If you want to find out why "everybody else" you know has paired off but you haven't, ask your friends and your siblings to give you an unvarnished assessment of your attractiveness as a potential partner. They know you - none of us do. They probably understand what you need to do to improve your chances of meeting someone, so ask them.

You've already gotten good advice about ways to meet people, but I'll add another: volunteer. Figure out what you like to do or are interested in, and volunteer. At the very least, you'll probably meet people with a common interest.

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Shebakoby
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28 Jun 2010, 1:46 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

Shebakoby wrote:

Moving to be with a person from the internet is dangerous, the person could be a complete psycho serial killer and you'd never know.

True enough, though IRL there's usually something going on in the area if there's a serial killer in the area. Well serial killer is an extreme example...they could be abusive and you'd never know, whereas someone from the local area, someone would have said something in town and then everybody would know.

Can't meet a faraway person, anyway, can't afford to.

Shebakoby
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28 Jun 2010, 1:51 pm

HopeGrows wrote:

I mean both.

HopeGrows wrote:

Look, I think you'd do well to leave your pre-conceived notions about how people meet and how relationships are supposed to start/evolve - because those notions are clearly not working for you. If you want to find out why "everybody else" you know has paired off but you haven't, ask your friends and your siblings to give you an unvarnished assessment of your attractiveness as a potential partner. They know you - none of us do. They probably understand what you need to do to improve your chances of meeting someone, so ask them.

The only thing they'll tell me is I'm 'weird' and I 'embarrass them'. Other than that they have not been helpful at all. It's like they'd rather I don't have a relationship. They certainly don't want to deal with a person similar to myself (but opposite gender). I've only asked family as my friends don't know me well enough to tell me anything useful.

HopeGrows wrote:

You've already gotten good advice about ways to meet people, but I'll add another: volunteer. Figure out what you like to do or are interested in, and volunteer. At the very least, you'll probably meet people with a common interest.

I'd do that except I'm on disability for a reason.

Foreskin
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28 Jun 2010, 1:55 pm

I want everybody but nobody wants me

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