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The Self Esteem Paradox

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MissConstrue
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10 Jul 2010, 4:38 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Ore-Sama wrote:
someone with low self esteem can only raise their self esteem if someone falls in love with them


You're in the same mindset as Toad.

You should NOT need to have or be able to attract a partner to gain self esteem! You have to spend some time on self reflection and HELP yourself pull yourself out of a rut and get some self worth. Other people should NEVER be resonsible for this. Its your responsibility.

Don't even think about expecting a girl to make you feel like you're worth anything. Take resonsibility for yourself damn it.


This.

I too have tried and tried looking for self worth outside myself. It never works, sometimes it does but it's usually as temporary as alcohol.


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10 Jul 2010, 4:43 pm

Willard wrote:

YOU have to find reasons to like yourself, that is the only source of SELF Esteem. The very term means "self estimate"


I didn't know that.

I think the foundations for good self esteem are probably laid in early childhood, so if you get good parents or caretakers, then you can do your own self esteem I suppose.



rmgh
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10 Jul 2010, 4:48 pm

Kaleido wrote:
Willard wrote:

YOU have to find reasons to like yourself, that is the only source of SELF Esteem. The very term means "self estimate"


I didn't know that.

I think the foundations for good self esteem are probably laid in early childhood, so if you get good parents or caretakers, then you can do your own self esteem I suppose.

I had brilliant parents, but my self esteem is terrible. But I know what you mean.



Lene
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10 Jul 2010, 4:49 pm

nick007 wrote:
I know a way to break the cycle. The person with low self-esteem could find someone else with low self-esteem who won't reject em. They could both relate & help each other out. I wish more people with low self-esteem wer willing to give others with low self-esteem a chance


In theory that makes sense, but then what happens if one gets higher self esteem? The other may panic and try to sabotage it to keep them with them...



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10 Jul 2010, 5:00 pm

Willard wrote:
Moog wrote:
Self esteem in one sphere of life raises overall self esteem. So focus on some aspect of yourself that you can succeed with, creating good feelings about yourself. If you can't find a lover, but can build an amazing table, or write a wonderful song, or make someone smile, then do that.


^^Pay Attention To This^^


YOU have to find reasons to like yourself, that is the only source of SELF Esteem. The very term means "self estimate" - its about how you rate you, not what others think. Truly healthy self esteem is neither created nor destroyed by some other party's evaluation of you.

Unhealthy self esteem can easily be turned into a festering infection if your confidence depends on someone else. Love affairs eventually end. If you only thought you were valuable because your lover thought so, you're going to be devastated when they move on, and feel even lower than when you started.

You want to make yourself appear more confident and appealing? Take Moog's advice and concentrate on your strengths to ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. When you know in your heart that you're doing something worthwhile, you'll automatically start to feel better about yourself. That's confidence.

Sitting around moping because nobody is fawning over you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear and petting you is the surest way to guarantee that you'll be alone forever. Even girls with low self esteem are not attracted to crybabies.


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Moog
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10 Jul 2010, 5:01 pm

Kaleido wrote:
Willard wrote:

YOU have to find reasons to like yourself, that is the only source of SELF Esteem. The very term means "self estimate"


I didn't know that.

I think the foundations for good self esteem are probably laid in early childhood, so if you get good parents or caretakers, then you can do your own self esteem I suppose.


It's a lot easier if you have that foundation. But it is possible to build it later. I feel like living proof.


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Chronos
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10 Jul 2010, 5:03 pm

Ore-Sama wrote:
This is the situation where in someone with low self esteem can only raise their self esteem if someone falls in love with them, but that they are an unsuitable or undesirable partner because of their low self esteem, thus keeping them in the depression. Now they may want love for reasons other then self esteem obviously, but being loved romantically would make them feel good. Can anyone think of a way to break this paradox?


What's so high and mighty about this hypothetical significant other that makes the person with low self esteem "worth" something?

This person was not born with some divine authority that raises the status of those they find attractive.

Why do you subjugate yourself to their opinion? Is not your own opinion of yourself the one that counts the most?



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10 Jul 2010, 7:14 pm

Lene wrote:
Willard wrote:
Moog wrote:
Self esteem in one sphere of life raises overall self esteem. So focus on some aspect of yourself that you can succeed with, creating good feelings about yourself. If you can't find a lover, but can build an amazing table, or write a wonderful song, or make someone smile, then do that.


^^Pay Attention To This^^


YOU have to find reasons to like yourself, that is the only source of SELF Esteem. The very term means "self estimate" - its about how you rate you, not what others think. Truly healthy self esteem is neither created nor destroyed by some other party's evaluation of you.

Unhealthy self esteem can easily be turned into a festering infection if your confidence depends on someone else. Love affairs eventually end. If you only thought you were valuable because your lover thought so, you're going to be devastated when they move on, and feel even lower than when you started.

You want to make yourself appear more confident and appealing? Take Moog's advice and concentrate on your strengths to ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. When you know in your heart that you're doing something worthwhile, you'll automatically start to feel better about yourself. That's confidence.

Sitting around moping because nobody is fawning over you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear and petting you is the surest way to guarantee that you'll be alone forever. Even girls with low self esteem are not attracted to crybabies.


+100


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10 Jul 2010, 7:33 pm

rmgh wrote:
lightening020 wrote:
I think thats pretty obvious to most people on here...............a little insulting as well that you said that (im not attacking you, don't take it personally). Of course you have to feel good about yourself deep within or no one will. Its easy redundant advice, but it is true.

I don't think people do get it, actually.


I agree, if it was obvious to everyone, we wouldn't have threads like this. I'm glad that you (lightening020) get it, but just 'cos you know something, doesn't mean everyone does.


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RICKY5
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10 Jul 2010, 8:17 pm

I think we have to be harsh with our wayward brothers sometimes.

We also take this tone with folks like Toad because they simply ignore sound advice in favor of moping.



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10 Jul 2010, 8:39 pm

Lene wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I know a way to break the cycle. The person with low self-esteem could find someone else with low self-esteem who won't reject em. They could both relate & help each other out. I wish more people with low self-esteem wer willing to give others with low self-esteem a chance


In theory that makes sense, but then what happens if one gets higher self esteem? The other may panic and try to sabotage it to keep them with them...


Yes there is a risk of that happening but if both of em are very communicative with each other about things; they can work true it. The one with higher self-esteem could take steps to reassure the one with low esteem that he/she still cares about em & wants to be with em. The reassurance could help the one with low esteem get higher esteem. I've been on both sides of that


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billsmithglendale
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12 Jul 2010, 11:45 am

Ore-Sama wrote:
This is the situation where in someone with low self esteem can only raise their self esteem if someone falls in love with them, but that they are an unsuitable or undesirable partner because of their low self esteem, thus keeping them in the depression. Now they may want love for reasons other then self esteem obviously, but being loved romantically would make them feel good. Can anyone think of a way to break this paradox?


Yes -- you have to take the "GF boosting self-esteem" out of the equation, as hard as that is to do. I've been there too -- having a GF does really "fix" some people (like me) and builds self-esteem, but you really can't depend on that.

Fix yourself first, be happy on your own, have friends, be confident -- and the women will come.