Is a gf the answer to my problems?
No.
Another person can NEVER be an answer to your inner problems, unless that person happens to be your therapist.
Even in a relationship you would still be the same old you.
Besides you need to work on improving yourself before you can expect another person to accept you into her life. So not only would it not help, but in fact a relationship most likely wouldn't even be possible. Sure you could fake it and go out on a couple of dates but eventually your negativity and your issues would resurface. And even in the unlikely event of your partner being okay with it, you wouldn't know how to handle the challenges of a long term relationship and it would still end and leave you in a worse shape than you are in now.
Sorry to be blunt, but that's how it is. Get a hobby. Talk to someone. Eat well. Sleep well. Work out. Try a sport or a martial art. Learn a new language. Learn to play a musical instrument. Travel. Go out and meet people. Practice your social skills by talking to a lot of people. Etc... fix your issues and the rest will just fall into place.
Another person can NEVER be an answer to your inner problems, unless that person happens to be your therapist.
Even in a relationship you would still be the same old you.
Besides you need to work on improving yourself before you can expect another person to accept you into her life. So not only would it not help, but in fact a relationship most likely wouldn't even be possible. Sure you could fake it and go out on a couple of dates but eventually your negativity and your issues would resurface. And even in the unlikely event of your partner being okay with it, you wouldn't know how to handle the challenges of a long term relationship and it would still end and leave you in a worse shape than you are in now.
Sorry to be blunt, but that's how it is. Get a hobby. Talk to someone. Eat well. Sleep well. Work out. Try a sport or a martial art. Learn a new language. Learn to play a musical instrument. Travel. Go out and meet people. Practice your social skills by talking to a lot of people. Etc... fix your issues and the rest will just fall into place.
The Truth.
Then yesterday or something, I suddenly had this thought in my mind. Maybe I need a soulmate (of course a trusted one) so the two of us could have conversations about our issues. Of course that won't be all we would talk about. It is interesting because I never thought of that before in my life. I always pictured people getting bfs/gfs just to hug and kiss each other and get intimate and talk about complicated stuff. So is this one of the reasons why people get a bf/gf?
Just a thought I had.
A gf is never the answer to your problems. They just make everything worse because they will eventually try and make you their pet.
It's a bit unfair on the girl to expect her to cure all your insecurities. It's somewhat of a cliche to say, "Love yourself first, then you can love someone else", but think there is some truth in it. Relationships pile on extra stress so if you can't handle life without a girlfriend you certainly won't handle it with one. That said, there is nothing wrong with wanting a girl for companionship. Personally I think that's the right way to go, but whatever reason you choose, good luck!
Thinking like that is about as counter productive as thinking a girlfriend will answer all your problems.
_________________
Not currently a moderator
i had a problem. there was a clue that i needed to solve in the cryptic crossword puzzle.
it was 13 down. the clue was "gee! in real life, the negative is in what the chips are saying for his S.O"
when i got "girlfriend", my problem was solved.
sonia is with me and she urges me to explain my post because she thinks i overestimate people.
here is the explanation:
"gee! in real life, the negative is in what the chips are saying for his S.O" was the problem in the cryptic crossword.
the initial letters of "gee! in real life" are "girl".
"the negative is in what the chips are" is explainable by saying the chips are "fried", and the negative is denoted by the letter "n" that is inserted inside the word "fried"
an "n" in "fried" becomes "frie n d"
so the answer is "girl friend"
"saying for his S.O" means that it is a "saying" that means his "significant other" which confirms that the answer to the clue was "girlfriend"
problem was solved when i got "girlfriend".
i do not think i explained it well and she has gone to sleep so i will only find out tomorrow whether i explained it to the extent that it can be understood.
i had a problem. there was a clue that i needed to solve in the cryptic crossword puzzle.
it was 13 down. the clue was "gee! in real life, the negative is in what the chips are saying for his S.O"
when i got "girlfriend", my problem was solved.
sonia is with me and she urges me to explain my post because she thinks i overestimate people.
here is the explanation:
"gee! in real life, the negative is in what the chips are saying for his S.O" was the problem in the cryptic crossword.
the initial letters of "gee! in real life" are "girl".
"the negative is in what the chips are" is explainable by saying the chips are "fried", and the negative is denoted by the letter "n" that is inserted inside the word "fried"
an "n" in "fried" becomes "frie n d"
so the answer is "girl friend"
"saying for his S.O" means that it is a "saying" that means his "significant other" which confirms that the answer to the clue was "girlfriend"
problem was solved when i got "girlfriend".
i do not think i explained it well and she has gone to sleep so i will only find out tomorrow whether i explained it to the extent that it can be understood.
That was a very convoluted joke. I'm glad Sonia urged you to explain it.
When I first saw the joke, I figured out that you were calling "girl" an acronym for "gee! in real life". I love acronyms so when confronted with a puzzle my first instinct is to look for an acronym. But then you lost me as I tried to figure out how "the negative is in what the chips are saying for his S.O." could turn into "friend". I just never thought to associate the word "fried" with "chips". I don't know if it was a comnputer reference or a snack reference but I missed it in either case.
I am incapable of math puzzles. But I am usually pretty good with word puzzles but I only got 1/2 of this one.
Last edited by Janissy on 22 Jul 2010, 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Another person can NEVER be an answer to your inner problems, unless that person happens to be your therapist.
Even in a relationship you would still be the same old you.
Besides you need to work on improving yourself before you can expect another person to accept you into her life. So not only would it not help, but in fact a relationship most likely wouldn't even be possible. Sure you could fake it and go out on a couple of dates but eventually your negativity and your issues would resurface. And even in the unlikely event of your partner being okay with it, you wouldn't know how to handle the challenges of a long term relationship and it would still end and leave you in a worse shape than you are in now.
Sorry to be blunt, but that's how it is. Get a hobby. Talk to someone. Eat well. Sleep well. Work out. Try a sport or a martial art. Learn a new language. Learn to play a musical instrument. Travel. Go out and meet people. Practice your social skills by talking to a lot of people. Etc... fix your issues and the rest will just fall into place.
I don't think it will solve all of your problems, but my experience was that I felt a lot more validated as a person when I finally did get a GF, and I think this is the expectation a lot of the lonely guys here have. Yeah, you're still going to have issues, but if those issues were around questions like : "Will I ever find anyone?" "Will I die a virgin?" "Will I ever be able to have a relationship with someone I actually find attractive?" "Am I too ugly for anyone to like me?" etc., then yes, finding a GF is like an ego/self-esteem booster shot.
That being said, your last paragraph is absolutely one of the best ways to get to that point of actually finding a GF. Too many people vibe desperation or unhappiness, and thus scare away prospective mates, because they are not happy with themselves. Getting as happy with yourself as you can is the best way to eventually finding happiness with someone else.
I honestly think all of the guys on here who complain about not having a gf would be in over heads even if a woman magically appeared at their door and wanted to go out with them. Judging by their posts, they'd have no idea how to talk to her, have her on a pedestal, be extremely clingy and needy, and basically their happiness or sadness would revolve around the woman's every action, not to mention the awkwardness that naturally comes with being an Aspie. So he probably wouldn't get past the first date or two and then cry his life away and be even worse than before.
Has this been your experience?
I sense projection.
_________________
Not currently a moderator
To an extent, it was, and I've admitted as much before. I was fortunate enough (or unfortunate enough whichever way you look at it) to date a girl that is easily a 8 or 9 on the 10 scale as my first dating experience, and my social skills were/are above average for an Aspie, and I still clung to her like Oprah clings to donuts. I wanted her to be my long term girlfriend so bad (just so I could say I had a girlfriend) that I ironically blew an opportunity at that ever happening. Because I'm a good conversationalist, the relationship lasted a month or two, but after that it was over...because it was clear that it meant more to me than to her. I had no interests at the time, and just wanted a pretty woman by my side.
I just find it funny that now that I have a life and strong interests besides women, a girlfriend means little to nothing to me. Would I like to have someone to have regular sex with? Sure. But I don't want a girlfriend in the traditional sense.
I've definitely noticed that. My views on dating totally changed when I lost my vCard .
I think the others have pretty much said this, but while you've described very nicely a key benefit to a solid relationship with the right person, it really is counter productive to ever even think that a girlfriend could the solution to a problem. You can't enter relationships looking for solutions, instead of looking at what you can give. It kind of dooms the whole thing. Find a different solution first.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
Another person can NEVER be an answer to your inner problems, unless that person happens to be your therapist.
Even in a relationship you would still be the same old you.
Besides you need to work on improving yourself before you can expect another person to accept you into her life. So not only would it not help, but in fact a relationship most likely wouldn't even be possible. Sure you could fake it and go out on a couple of dates but eventually your negativity and your issues would resurface. And even in the unlikely event of your partner being okay with it, you wouldn't know how to handle the challenges of a long term relationship and it would still end and leave you in a worse shape than you are in now.
Sorry to be blunt, but that's how it is. Get a hobby. Talk to someone. Eat well. Sleep well. Work out. Try a sport or a martial art. Learn a new language. Learn to play a musical instrument. Travel. Go out and meet people. Practice your social skills by talking to a lot of people. Etc... fix your issues and the rest will just fall into place.
I agree completely!
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
Maybe science isn’t the answer |
11 Oct 2024, 10:39 pm |
An answer for the other 80% of autism may have been found |
Yesterday, 1:58 pm |
Telling a Guy About Your Health Problems |
18 Nov 2024, 3:42 am |
Big problems with my autistic son - any advice? |
12 Nov 2024, 5:49 am |