friends then lovers then he shut down completely

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eldanesh,

thanks for your reply. it makes alot of sense. i agree he did what felt good in the moment (meaning the last 8 months) but then, maybe, realized he was failing even in his best efforts so he gave up?

hi everyone,
the plot thickens.
his sister reported to me that he told her he spoke to me yesterday. he absolutely did not speak to me and hasn't. his sister and i are both bewildered. i forwarded him the emails between his sister and i to see if my email was still blocked and it didn't bounce back to me yet. it's possible he unblocked my email -or- it's possible that he now blocked it in a way where no message comes back to me (no mailer daemon undeliverable message notice gets sent back to my email address). i thought it was interesting that he told his sister (who he has never lied to) that he spoke to me (outright lie perhaps so she'd stop questioning him?).

today, he unblocked my emails and chat and actually came on line and talked to me. very casually. did not apologize for blocking me or for all the iloveyou stuff...for none of it. conversation was civil. what's next? for sure, i need to detach. i do NOT want to ride his yo-yo roller coaster ride. he said he wanted to hang out this weekend. i should say no and cut him off completely but i have mixed feelings. i am not trusting him right now but we have alot of history and i'm not "done" with him yet even though i should be done. keep comments coming if you like.

Most posters are agreeing that getting his stuff out and separating him from your life are the best ideas. He won't bring you back the happiness you once had with him and you'll end up losing happiness and sanity by wasting any more time thinking about him.

HopeGrows- wow! truth hurts. Appreciate you spitting it real. I know you're right.

I honestly don't mean to hurt you, OP - I feel badly for you. Trust me, hon - I've been where you are. I went back to the guy who lied to me to get me to fall for him. I desperately wanted him to be the guy he had pretended to be. But after much more heartbreak, I had to face that fact that the guy I'd fallen for didn't exist. And yeah, I knew that when I went back, and my best friend even sat me down and told me how it was going to end. But I did it anyway because I'd fallen so hard for his lies....I just wanted to believe that guy was real, like if I looked hard enough - if I was patient, and understanding, and loved him enough - I'd somehow turn that fake guy into reality.

So I understand your situation. And like me, you may not listen to the advice you get. But I hope you do listen - you'll save yourself a lot of heartache and free yourself to find the right guy for you.

Ditch the jerk! Don't even contact him again; block him and delete his number (keep his sister's if she's nice). Seriously, a creep like this, you don't even want to let yourself be tempted to give him another chance.

OP, it's amazing what a bit of relational aggression can do, and by that, I mean the silent treatment. Cut him off for a month, no talking to him, making eye contact, etc. See if his attitude changes. If it does, it will be temporary, but use that as an opportunity to use other forms of relational aggression to trash his rep.

Drop him straight away because he will drive you F'n CRAZY and make you physically sick!! ! Some guys actually get beat up and/or shot for that kind of behavior. You'll heal. Just takes time. Find yourself a nice NT introvert that wants marriage. A woman can easily waste years on a guy that acts like that. F'n SLOB couldn't even appreciate what he HAD but someone else will tenfold. What makes you hurt so much is that you are generous and want to give and receive love. It gets heavy carrying around all that love and you need someone to make your burden ligher. I suggested an NT introvert because an introvert is closer to possibly those qualities that attracted you to that douchbag PLUS an NT is better for you because they can make better social connections. Never put your love into weak arms again. Your love is a very precious thing to give but ONLY to those who want and especially appreciate it. Go for the strong arms that can hold the love that that weakling thought was soooo heavy. You need a man not a boy. Could you imagine that douche as a father? or having a kid just like him. EEEWWWW!! ! You'd really feel bad then.
Go for emotional muscle!! !

you all ROCK!! ! i am so grateful for your advice and support. i don't know if/when i will see him again but i will keep you posted....emotional strength *is* what i need. i don't know if i've ever had that in a partner. i need to think about that. thanks!

We had a short hang out today, about 4 hours. He was 45 minutes late which is not so unusual. Things were very easy going- he brought up NOTHING about the shut out. He was very child-like and treated me like a friend/sister most of the time. We just talked about the ocean, the patterns in the sand, the lines of sailboats, etc... We did hold hands and hug for a quick few moments but he did not kiss me. He let me rub his back (through his shirt) for about 10-15 minutes. He loves that. He did not initiate much affection (as he usually does) but he did initiate *some* including touching/cuddling and putting his hand on my head as if to "ground me" which he knows I love. Overall, he did not noticeably reject my attempts to be slightly cuddly (I was using body language instead of words to show all was forgiven) and towards the end of our hang out, he let me touch his "boy thing" thru his pants for a moment. At the same time, he was getting texts and then he asked for a ride to the train and rushed home to go play video games with his roommate.I jokingly accused him of having a date with a girl (because he was rushing off) and he said "NO, I don't have a date with a girl, lol."
No clue when I will see him again. Likely several weeks from now. It will be a challenge to keep detaching myself. I'm really attracted to him and aroused by him. He said something really interesting tonite. He said his brain has a random number generator in it that is also connected to an internal roulette wheel that drives his desire for, or lack or desire for, certain experiences and/or preferences. Randomly. So I guess his random preference generator roulette wheel was landing on ME for a while but no longer. I dunno. I was some momentary special interest, I guess. I'm so confused. I have no idea what he feels now other than obligated on some level (since we've been friends for so long) and not willing or emotionally able to put in too much time. I really blew it with him but I have a bit more perspective now about his tolerance/limits. I am still incredibly in love with him even though I know it will never be reciprocated. Not sure how to proceed. I think leaving him alone to see if he comes to me (without me begging) would be a good option. He's so "out of sight, out of mind" when he's less involved with me. There is a quote that says something like "If a man loves you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't love you, nothing can make him stay." I agree this is true for NTs and I guess it's true for him (seems obvious, sadly) but I'm not so certain it's true for Aspies in general.

I keep remembering this old Carly Simon song called "We're So Close."
Part of the song is (she's speaking from her lover's point of view):
He says: what do words ever reveal?
He says: in speaking one can be so false-
We're so close we have a silent language,
We don't need words at all....

"He says: we're beyond flowers
He says: We're beyond compliments-
We're so close we can dispense with love
We don't need love at all."

This is my "friend's" point of view exactly.

I am frustrated I wasn't able to discuss the shut out with him. I know he doesn't want to discuss it and can't discuss it without getting angry again and we can likely NEVER discuss it ever again. I was hoping to negotiate some agreements for how to avoid shut outs/drama in the future but all I felt safe doing today was being cheerful and sweet. Anything else would have scared him back into his shut out. Walking on eggshells sucks but I also want to be respectful (and compassionate) about his lack of ability to deal with conflict.

But how on earth do folks navigate through relationship issues when one person can't handle those kinds of conversations?

I guess i will be a buddha about this and just sit and watch for a few weeks or a month or two and then "decide" whether to walk away completely or stay his platonic buddy.

Anyone else old enough to remember "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, it was never meant to be?" This is definitely going to end up one of those "never meant to be" things but I don't want to be the first friend he ever had AND the first person to de-friend him. I keep reading how so many Aspies lose so many friends. I don't want to give up. I'd rather be platonic forever than cause him to feel like it's risky to try and have a friend.

I am very impatient (lol) and wreckless sometimes (I'm also very much a teenager stuck in an aging adult body). This is gonna be torture for me. Buddha said "attachment causes suffering- releasing attachment bring serenity..." Breathe...