NT in love with an Aspie - what are my chances?

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@Morpheus316, I'm curious....do you think Aspies are incapable of honoring their marriage vows? Seriously, where does that commitment fit into your theory of needing reassurance that the next relationship is going to be better than the current relationship (which is an assurance none of us has, btw)? Cause marriage vows contain a promise to forsake all others....so how do you manage to put in the effort required to make a marriage work if you're not willing to forsake all others?

Don't get me wrong. I think aspies are just as capable of anybody else of honoring their marriage vows. Even neurotypicals hit points in marriages where it is simply not healthy to continue nor should they continue. In this particular case, the marriage had hit that point where even for a neurotypical, ending it would have been an option. As an aspie, he probably recognized that it had hit that point, but either felt too scared or powerless to get out of it, hence he stuck with it because he felt he had no other option.

@Morpheus316, how do you know what was going on in this guy's marriage? I mean, how does anyone else know what goes on in anyone's marriage but their own? Anybody can hit a point in a marriage where it doesn't make sense to continue, but the point is that the vows do require both partners to try to avoid getting to that point - you know, by dealing with your problems, by going to counseling, by accepting your profound responsibility to each other (and your children). So based on your statement that Aspies are "just as capable" as anyone else when it comes to honoring their marriage vows, I'm assuming you'd agree that whether he actually made an effort to save his marriage has nothing to do with whether he's an Aspie or not. Is my assumption correct?

That is correct and I don't know the full circumstances of his marriage. That being said, based on the circumstances described, I wouldn't fault him for wanting to get out if he did and I don't think anybody else would either. Whether he made an effort to save it or not has nothing to do with whether he's an aspie or not. Now, how he handles the fallout of it is something else entirely.

I don't think the OP was asking for a discussion on ethics. She just wanted some advice on how to go about approaching this guy. It's not our job to make judgment. We don't know the full story.

That's exactly my point, @Pandoran-March, we don't know the full story. But it seems like @Morpheus316 has made some major assumptions about the circumstances, e.g., "based on the circumstances described, I wouldn't fault him for wanting to get out if he did and I don't think anybody else would either." Based on the circumstances described, I'd certainly fault him for involving himself in an emotional affair, rather than attempting to save his marriage and preserve his kids' family. I asked the OP if he did try to save his marriage before opting for divorce, but she didn't answer that question.

As to @Morpheus316's following statement, "Whether he made an effort to save it or not has nothing to do with whether he's an aspie or not. Now, how he handles the fallout of it is something else entirely," I guess I'm a little confused. I made the point that his conduct really isn't about him being Aspie or not - it has a lot to do with character, background, ethics, etc. @Morpheus316 seems to agree that whether he made an effort to save his marriage has nothing to do with him being Aspie (so I'm assuming it does have something to do with character, etc.). I don't understand how he handles the fallout is, "something else entirely." That statement seems to imply that how he handles the fallout is all about him being Aspie. I'd like to know if I've interpreted his statement correctly, and what he means by that.

I've considered that. Except, he does know this "devil." I'm content to let him dominate. Even when I think it's weird, I've never said no to him. I'm adaptable; he's not. Like water flowing around a rock. I like to just listen and be with him. He doesn't have to do or say anything - just be himself. Just seeing him happy makes me happy.

Back then, he was my "teacher," in many ways, and that's still how I think of him. So even now, I'm accepting and admiring to the point that it makes him stammer and blush and go mute. He remembers me as the one who loves him just for who he is, warts and all. In other words, not the kind of woman he's used to.

Over the years, I've watched him make many bad decisions for himself. It pains me, and he knows that. He has taken a lot of abuse and he has abysmally low self-esteem. So I've wondered if he worries that he can't live up to my expectations (although I don't really have any).

What I was trying to say is that because he is an aspie, that's going to affect the way he handles the fallout because of how differently aspies process things from the way neurotypicals do. I guess that's the overriding piece of advice I can give this poor lady -- he's going to process and handle things differently than most and that always needs to be factored in when dealing with an aspie.

It could be that he thinks you're too good to be true, and he'd hate to screw it up because he'd have a tough time living with himself if he did. I know that's probably how I'd think if confronted with a similar situation. Further, I'd be just as worried about how my kid would react to all of this.

@Morpheus316, I think we'd all probably accept the idea that Aspies process and handle thing differently than NTs as fact. I guess what I don't understand is whether you believe that an Aspie man will repeatedly break up with a woman if he doesn't really want to break up with her. My perspective (shared by at least a few people who've responded to this thread) is that when a man tries to end a relationship with you repeatedly, it pretty much means he wants to end the relationship. How he goes about that may be impacted by his Aspieness, but the decision to end the relationship is his decision, and should be respected.

I mean, what if the situation were reversed? What if there was an Aspie man who was posting about his NT gf: his gf had tried to end the relationship repeatedly, but he just wouldn't accept that's what she wanted. What would your advice to him be? Keep hanging in there? Or respect her wishes and leave her alone?

Didn't mean to confuse at all. I was offering my perspective as an aspie on the issue and what might be my thinking if I were in a similar situation and made that call. I'm not him, I'm never going to be him, but I figured I'd contribute as best I can.

Correct. Thank you. And I've decided what to do.



Because it is irrelevant to my inquiry.

However, to satisfy your interest, the short answer is, I don't know what he did to save the marriage, if anything. I know even less about what she did to save the marriage, except for what he told me. So if morpheus316 is making assumptions, as far as I know, I'd say they're accurate.

And if meeting for coffee during business hours in a business setting, five times over the course of one year, during which 75% of the discussion was work, career options, and networking, is an "emotional affair," gee whiz, I must be having like eight of them pretty much all the time!

Last edited by foomith on 09 Sep 2010, 9:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

First, and I would say this to anyone, you don't know what was going on in his marriage. You don't know the history between those two people. You don't know how hard she'd tried to engage him or understand him, love him, be hurt by him, etc. over the years of their marriage. All you can really be sure of is that she expected his fidelity, and he didn't deliver.

As to whether you were involved in an emotional affair, you're the one who claimed you were discussing, "hopes for a future together," and that, "He said if it wasn't for the kids, marrying me would be a "no-brainer." Now you're saying your relationship was almost entirely professional, on a par with many others in your life. I honestly don't know what to make of you, OP. Either you were planning a future together and talked about marriage, or you didn't. And if you didn't, then your behavior seems kinda stalker-ish (in which case, really - leave the guy alone).

@Morpheus316, you did confuse me. What I've heard from Aspies who are in successful relationships/marriages (mostly "mixed" relationships) is that it takes a lot of work, a lot of honesty, and a lot of willingness to grow and change in order to have a successful relationship. My interpretation of your perspective is that you've got all this sympathy for this guy, even though you don't really know his circumstances, or the effort he made to save his marriage before he chose divorce. Why don't the Aspie men here call guys out on this type of behavior? Why would you be tolerant and sympathetic, when behavior like his just muddies the waters between behaviors that can be attributed to AS, and behavior that's all about character, psychological problems, dysfunctional family issues, etc.?

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Last edited by foomith on 09 Sep 2010, 9:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

He exercised tremendous self-restraint, out of concern for his kids. How did he not deliver? If she had any idea of the lengths he went to, to conduct himself appropriately, she never would have left. She made unfounded assumptions, just like this.



He didn't CHOOSE divorce: she did. Saving the marriage was so important to him, he threw me to the alligator and hoped it would eat him last. It didn't work. That isn't his fault, or mine. I wrote about what he did to save his marriage -- and what I did to assist -- in another post. Read it. I doubt any other woman would have had the strength to do what I did.

I think morpheus316 gets it, because he's been there.

In my experience, that's just what most men who hang around the love/dating section do. Rather than trying to get the whole story and call people out as appropriate, they tend to stick together and assume the lead male in the story can do no wrong. If they can see themselves in the way Lead Male has been described, it seems, no matter how little information about him they actually know, an attack on him is considered an attack on themselves.

It's too bad. In other areas they can be as perfectly logical as the next guy.

P.S. Just let it go already.