Intellectual compatibility = utimate AS hurdle in dating?

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Can you show some evidence to suggest that male aspies are less likely to want to correct themselves?

Lots of good info in this topic! I can relate to most of it.

Last woman I dated was almost certainly on the spectrum. We connected in a way I've never experienced before. We were finishing each other's thoughts. Made the same decisions given the same circumstances. Dropped the F-bomb in stereo. Even bought the same groceries... etc it was spooky. She was a very smart person.

Alas, just like my other relationships, she thought we were more suitable as friends than lovers. The missing ingredient was love, or what she thought love was. I think she found what she was looking for, but was unable to recognize it.



Only the *entire* Love and Dating forum??? I absolutely agree with the above statement. Guys on this forum, which I have no reason to think do not represent AS guys at large, keep whining about the same problems, but do not seem to make any attempts at correcting them.

Only the *entire* Love and Dating forum??? I absolutely agree with the above statement. Guys on this forum, which I have no reason to think do not represent AS guys at large, keep whining about the same problems, but do not seem to make any attempts at correcting them.

i understand the idea of connectedness that you can feel with someone, but its important to realize that its not always there right away. that connectedness can also grow over time, through shared experiences and discovery of each other. sometimes you can get that spark right off the bat, but that first spark isnt enough to keep a relationship going. you need time to really get to know someone to form a deep connection, i dont believe you can really get that knowledge in just one or two dates. its one reason why romantic relationships often form from platonic friendships.

people are looking for various sparks, whether its intellectual, spiritual, physical, whatever. sparks bring people together, but its the deeper fires formed by time, experience, and knowledge that keeps people together. my point is that those fires can come from spontaneous combustion between two people, even without that beginning spark. so even if the spark isnt there, growing a friendship with someone can still lead to the fire.

From what I can tell, it's the same few people that make the same complaints over and over again. There are lots of guys on this forum that don't complain at all.

You are experiencing the illusion of frequency.

I browse this forum from time to time, and I've noticed that people tend to highlight not being able to attract partners as the main reason why Aspies struggle to find relationships.

In my experiences I have found this is not the case. In the last few years, I have been able to attract potential partners relatively effectively, and have been asked out or approached by several people, but I have been unsuccessful in having a relationship. The reason for this is that I have found it almost impossible to find anyone who is intellectually compatible with me; referring to mental similarity or mentally complimenting in this context, not simply intelligence.

I have often considered just trying to date men I am not attracted or "connected" to (I find I only truly become physically attracted to a man after I become mentally connected), but I have been unable to bring myself to do it, as it feels pointless, dishonest, and deeply 'wrong'.

I don't believe my standards are too high, or that I am just being too picky; as I don't even have fixed criteria or anything like that (apart from them being a good person and not an as*hole), and I am happy to try dating anyone even if we have dissimilar interests, or their values don't fully correspond. The only thing I require is that initial attraction and *connection* and I find that 99.9% of the time it's just not there.

I don't think that my problem is that I am homosexual or asexual because I have been attracted to and pursued guys (and solely guys) in the past.

I have met many many different guys in the past few years, it's not because I just don't meet people - I am a busy person with a varied and reasonably social lifestyle.

This lack of intellectual compatibility seems to be the ultimate hurdle for me that I just can't conquer. I can try all sorts of techniques to try and meet more people, or increase my attractiveness, but I cannot fabricate intellectual connection with another. I wonder if this is due to my AS and just being an "alien" or whether this is just an individual personal problem I have, as I've hardly ever heard aspies on here reference lack of intellectual connection as a root cause of their problems in dating...

There is no lack of abundance of men of similar intellect within my reach, though I find few of them attractive physically and otherwise and so we would not be compatible, and also, I likely lack certain qualities they would expect of a mate in a relationship. I think part of having AS is that even if we know a few cardinal rules of socialization, we hit a wall very quickly when it comes to forming deeper emotional attachments or relationships of substance, not because we don't want to, but because to do so takes a level of non-verbal communications skills that most of us were not born with, and is so innate to most NT's that they cannot deconstruct them analytically that they cannot teach them to us.

This is how I feel, too. +1

I feel like I'm a perfect storm of characteristics that preclude me from having a relationship. I don't sweat it (I got big fish to fry), but it's a curious part of life.

I'd add - even if reading nonverbal communication isn't a big challenge, if you've been stabbed for most of your life every time you put your real self out there - you'll tend to be reserved, no matter how friendly, and that's something that most people won't have the time, patience, or energy to work through unless they're really that into you to begin with. Needless to say, the world as it is, that's a rare situation for anyone.

(I find I only truly become physically attracted to a man after I become mentally connected)

I don't believe my standards are too high, or that I am just being too picky; as I don't even have fixed criteria or anything like that (apart from them being a good person and not an as*hole), and I am happy to try dating anyone even if we have dissimilar interests, or their values don't fully correspond. The only thing I require is that initial attraction and *connection* and I find that 99.9% of the time it's just not there.

This lack of intellectual compatibility seems to be the ultimate hurdle for me that I just can't conquer. I can try all sorts of techniques to try and meet more people, or increase my attractiveness, but I cannot fabricate intellectual connection with another. I wonder if this is due to my AS and just being an "alien" or whether this is just an individual personal problem I have, as I've hardly ever heard aspies on here reference lack of intellectual connection as a root cause of their problems in dating...

I liked your post, up until the end. Can you show some evidence to suggest that male aspies are less likely to want to correct themselves?

Theres plenty of evidence if you just read the threads on this forum. Blaming their problems on other people instead of looking in the mirror.

You may have noticed a lot less females do this on wrongplanet. Its hard work, but I have corrected myself over and over again and tried to to get by in life.

Agreed.

Though I do think there might be a number of men on here who may have heeded some advice and we just don't hear from them much.