question for girls

Post Reply New Topic

I'll tell you what to definitely NOT do. Do not be like this guy in my college. His eyes were a little TOO glued on me. I mean I know I have that problem when I'm talking to people - I don't know how to take eyes away, but I have been getting better at glancing off into something else. But this guy.... Well first, he was just SO gross.... His clothes were aweful and he didn't believe in deodorant. But I was fine with being his friend, until I noticed, he was STALKING me, really following me around, seemed to be everywhere I was all the time. And then EVEN IN CLASS, a class I got a break from and he actually wasn't in it, I saw him directly STARING at me through the window.... for a good TEN MINUTES! I kid you not! He wasn't moving or glancing away sometimes, he was staring directly at me, not unlike a cat does when its getting ready to pounce and kill a bird >.<

That was definitely very disturbing and uncomfortable, and after all these things happened, I had to tell a school councellor about him, but I was asking for advice without stating his name.

Another time, a significantly older man (grey hair) was constantly staring at me in this grocery store.

Alright, so part of the problem were these guys themselves I found to be creepy anyway, but staring like that is definitely WRONG, and if you notice you're doing that, you really must must learn to control it. Ofcourse if you are staring by accident, and then smile at the person and look away, thats ok. Just be careful.

You know the strange thing is I think the guy in my college had Aspergers actually, but I think he had it in more obvious ways than I have it. If it wasn't for the creepy actions and poor hygiene, I would have liked to remain friends with him. We had some pretty interesting and amusing discussions on similar interests.

It's a different thing when a girl stares at a guy. There is little to no threat of physical harm implied there.

Implied threat of possible harm (after all it's a stranger right?) is why most women do not like being stared at for too long by men.

When I was young, I stared. I just didn't know any better, or what else I was supposed to do.

I like to be seen. It's very hard for me to notice a quick glance from a male if he's looking at me. These days, a stare from a man could be the only thing that makes me feel like I'm not completely invisible. I've gotten very shy.

I have to feel safe about it though. If I get worried that I might be attacked, then staring is no good at all. Like if a guy is staring at me when I am going to my car in a parking lot at night with nobody around...No way!! I also get uncomfortable if a group of men stare and laugh.

For me, it's a compliment if a man stares. I will usually smile back, and go on my way. And I feel good. It can make my day.

In chimpanzees (which we humans are one species of) and other primates, staring is seen as agression. That's why your parents told you "It's rude to stare." This applies in almost all situations. Since males are usually larger and stronger than females, it is especially intimidtaing when a man stares (or leers) at a woman. It is not a good kind of attention.

NT humans and other primates know how to flirt with their eyes. You give brief, indirect glances at the party you're interested in or attracted to. You do not let the other party see that you are looking directly at them. You lower your gaze as soon as their eyes meet yours. You perform a suble dance with your eyes. If the other person matches your glances, you can continue with longer, but still indirect, looks. You might smile and the other person might smile back. If you are at a party or other social place, this may happen several times over an evening as you move around and encounter each other. If you get positive signals from the other person (he/she meets your gaze and smiles), you can try to talk to him/her. You could bring up some topical subject ("Have you been following the World Cup?") or make a *non-sexual* compliment ("I can't help noticing how great that color looks on you." or , if you're at Sam's birthday party, for example, "How do you know Sam?"

This kind of exchange is suble and may be hard for AS people to master. You might try looking up some books on flirting for more information. The rules for flirting with an AS person are probably different. Perhaps you would ask about their special interest. The eye thing may not work.

Best of luck,
FGM

^^^^^^

Yeah, the last poster has it exactly right. there is a BIG difference between a solid, unbroken STARE, and catching someone glancing at you. Glancing is in fact, very flattering, and on the right person it can be really cute and make you feel good. But all I know for sure is, if ANYONE is actually looking or glancing my way, they are VERY good at making sure I don't catch it. Cause it doesn't feel like anyone notices me anywhere I go....

Do you want to be noticed?

I usually HATE it when guys stare at me.It's annoying.


-SpaceCase

Okay, here are a couple of suggestions.
1) Go to the mall or wherever teenagers and young adults hang out in your neck of the woods and notice who you notice. What is it you notice about them? Their hair? eyes? face? glasses? clothing? anotomy? makeup? the way they move? the way they stand? the way thry walk? I think most aspies have a great talent for mimicry, we learn to fake it. Fake it til you make it.
2) Talk to some of the older, uh, I mean, more experienced women at WP. I'm sure they can advise you better than I can.