How do you overcome the fear?

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How not to be creepy.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt126272.html

Cheers, I'll give that a look see tomorrow.

I have to say, I'm the same way, except its with everyone...

I can barely call people, and only when I absolutely need to (took until I was 20 to be able to call in a pizza, and until 21 to go through a drivethrough...), and I still can't ring doorbells... I used to go horseback riding with this lady every week, we'd set up a time the week before and I'd get dropped off... but I couldn't ring her doorbell, or knock, or yell inside (door was always open), so I stood outside and wandered in circles until she happened to look out... I've done that for 40 mins at a time before :X she's all "why's she so late?" and there I am outside dwaldling about unable to knock/ringdoorbell/call up...

When it gets to strangers I'm really bad... in class I can't talk to anyone unless they talk to me, same for stores and stuff... when people DO talk to me, I'm pretty normal, but bothering someone... is just too hard >___<;;;

I'm much better at work because its my "job," I have to find out x piece of information, so I'm able to walk up and ask someone... but I do end up standing around not bothering them waiting until they see me and are done with their current task, so... still not quite the one who speaks up first >___<;;

Friends, I know them, so I'm able to talk to them when I see and stuff, see someone in class, or sitting at a table I can walk up and start talking to them... I can even call them (on occassion... but only for more important things, like we were supposed to do hw on Friday, or I'm picking them up... very very veryyyyy rarely do I call them for like "you busy? want to do something?") <---- that actually happened a few years ago... I was bored out of my mind for a week, and one particular day I was in the gym (thats how bored I was... I *HATE* the gym) and decided to call my friend to do something like play basketball (because I can't invite him to come over to pick me up to do something... so since I had no car, hadda find something around me we could do)... sat there for an hour twiddling with phone before I managed to build up courage to call him.... it was a "success" in a way... he was busy at the time so couldn't come play basketball, but also noticed right away that I called and I never did before, so sort of felt "obligated" to hang out :X (he'd deny that, but really... its true)... which kinda made me all the more guilty for calling >____<

But that was a few years ago... I've gotten better... mainly because I'm starting to realize if people don't have the time of day they won't pick up, or they'll just say no... people rarely agree to do something they don't want to do, so its ok to ask...

But its still so hard!! !! !! >_<! !! !!

As for you though... sounds like you're ok talking to guys, and just scared of talking to girls... in which case... don't be, we're humans just like you and some of us have the same likes/dislikes... we aren't all that different :X

I'm surrounded by guys (9:1 guys to girls in my major... at least, something like 8% of women in mechanical engineering, so have some classes w/ 60 guys and me xD), so used to them... besides that I relate to guys a lot better so don't see much fuss about it...

Really, have to come down to it and ask yourself (often) whats the worst that can happen? If you just say "Hi! I read that book too!" or whatever, whats so creepy about it? just avoid things like "damn your hot"
If they're in your class, you can avoid talking to them directly and ask the class "anyone want to do homework together?" some girls might join in *shrug* (how I met that friend I mentioned earlier), that way you already initialized contact and can continue...

But yeah, it is hard >______<;; wish you the best of luck!

This is where I get hung up. It's not that I'm afraid to talk to a woman or am shy, or anything like that, but rather, I typically just don't have anything to say or anything to ask. What do you talk to cashiers, baristas, people in the elevator, etc about? Once you exchange basic pleasentries, what else is there? You don't know any of their interests so you can't ask about them and coming out and simply asking, "what are your interests?" is kind of weird. Likewise, you don't know if your interests will "weird them out" so it's not always a good idea to start talking about that.

hey baby , you sound gorgeous and mature, it's the LOVE and dating section here so it's the right location and circumstances.
Let's have sex.

Male celebrities , like any alpha males, can make things that would be considered ultimately creepy and even 'rape alert' to women if they were done by lesser males.

Why is that?

It's simple, George Clooney is rich and handsome , so he' s a perfect breeder. So any woman (most of them) would love to have sex with him and like to hear any sexual sign (even as explicit as 'hey baby let's have sex' from him because this give her a higher chance to mate with him. Mating with a guy like him will boost her value and self-value.

While almost no woman would mate with a poor , fat , ugly non-attractive guy like ToadofSteel , so any "sexual" sign from ToadOfSteel (even it was not intended such as suggesting to give coffee) , so the woman would see his "sexual" advances are offensive and insulting to her. Why is that? because mating with her would 'lower' her value....something like that.


Understand psychology , understand evolution, understand evolutionary psychology ....and then you will understand women.

Yes, Dilbert's advice isn't realistic and not very feasible.

Enough of your bible.

It's useless.

Guys like Georges Clooney can mention very sexual things, not respect the woman's personal , can ask tons of questions , can ask for a load of information , the woman can be half of his age .....and he will probably still not be considered creepy by this woman. Moreover , she will end up having sex with him.

He can even sit in the corner and stare at some woman for hours, the woman would be most likely to be flattered and tell her friend how Clooney was staring her.

It's all about who the guy is and not how the guy is.

Getting rid of fear isn't that hard. Just really think about what you're scared of. If you approach a woman and she thinks you're the worst creep ever, what can she actually do to you?

Us aspies, being socially inept for so long, have built up shields to personal attacks so well they're practically impenetrable. Use it.

Even if a guy threatens you, can he really do something to you worse that you can do to him? If you still think so, carry a weapon. However, you'll find out that most people avoid confrontation and you're much more formidable than you think.

Whether its to my luck or detriment I rarely ever get the urge to talk to anyone just on a glance - its usually not enough info or, more often, I just don't get vibes from most people that would attract me.

If I do see someone that I might want to talk to, ie. I read a good energy and she seems to be paying me attention or giving me nonverbal high-signs, I'll try. Its much easier if I'm out in a social environment though such as a bar, club, or house party and much more difficult at say - a gas station, grocery store, or anywhere that people typically have their tunnel vision point-a-to-point-b on.

TOS - I'd say just mind the environment. The challenge is understanding what feelings in another person inspire which authentic reactions, what it looks like when someone else is interested. A girl who is constantly looking over or even is looking away from you but her energy is constantly directed at you (don't know how to explain that - its more of a sense than anything), they aren't likely to get a restraining order or give you a horrified "Why are you talking to me?" look. Yes, you'd want to be able to present your best self or have something to open the conversation with, otherwise passing on it may be the only option. If that last part is something that happens to you constantly, I guess I'd recommend just doing more research into conversational openings, figure out what's stuffy/weird/canned and what people react well to - figure out what resonates with you and go from there.

Most people cannot spot real danger until
It bites them in the ass. Watch videos of real muggings and you will know what I mean.

The mace in face overreaction is not real. If you are worried about body language just don't overcrowd by using your arm's length to measure the distance. It is quick and easy.

Learn the fairbairn Sykes (google it) method of hand to hand fighting (even an uncoordinated sperg like me can do it and knock the piss out of most folks). You will not be afraid of much after that.

If it helps at all I just do it. Literally if I'm afraid of something but want to do it badly enough I just do it and whatever happens happens. This doesn't always work but it can help if your able to force action when it is needed.

Yeah, I always need a reason to strike a conversation. If I'm ever trying to sell something, I suddenly because a social butterfly; Making small talk with everyone around and eventually trying to get them to buy it. I can't just go up to someone and make small talk for no reason. (no matter how much I might want to) The same thing apples to phone calls and text. I have to have a reason to do this.

Even if I do get past this and some how get a girl to like me, I never know when/how to ask them to go out. Or even if they want me to ask them out. Damn women always have to be so suddle.

Yeah, I didn't understand it either

Last edited by leftyswin on 20 Sep 2010, 12:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's not true.

I can't know what goes on in your head, or what path you took to make that determination. But from what I can see, I can assume that you think my advice refered to successfull conversation with other people. Since they wouldn't be successfull right away, there's no point in trying, right?

No, being successfull at socializing is the end goal. A purpose of practice is to start crappy and get better over time.

Talk to lots of people. Be awkward. Be inept. Don't worry about it! They won't. The bad self image and the feeling that you are being judged, is only in your head. The other people you might have approached at a public place will quickly dismiss and then forget the brief conversation they've had with an awkward young person. It would stick in your head though, and bring you one step closer to a more healthy social life.

Go ahead and practice your social skills by interacting with lots of people. Yes it will we awkward at first. Eventually you'll get better at it. It's what practice is! I'm not sure how else you could ever improve that area of your life, except by hiring a coach maybe.

You're missing my point. I'm not afraid to talk to anyone, provided I have something to say or something I need to ask. It's beyond that, that I'm at a loss. You say to talk to lots of people, but my problem is not having anything to talk to them about. What do you say to the random person in the grocery line, or the barista, or person in the elevator? I can nod my head to them in acknowledgment and say hello, but beyond that, unless there's some kind of relevant context to ask them a question, I'm still at a loss.

Talk about the weather.

Ask them how long they've worked there.

Ask them if they shop there too / drink coffee too.

Do they get employee discounts?

How are they dressed? Sporty? Do they excersize for fun or do they compete in a sport? Formal dress? "What? You got a court date later today?!"

Baseball/football/whatever paraphernalia or clothes? Ask them about their favorite team.

If they have kids ask them how old the kids are. How well do they do in school?

"Gosh there's never any parking out there!" Them : Oh I take the bus! You: that's smart because xxxxx.

That's just when you meet someone for the first time. Basically the chit-chat is all about context. Some topics are ALWAYS safe, like weather and sports. But most topics of conversation pop up depending on your perception and the circumstances.

When you get to know someone a little bit, then all sorts of other avenues open up.

"Did you get that car fixed yet?" Listen to them go on for 5 minutes about the transmission problem. Obviously they need someone to vent to, if they are so passionate about the stupid car.

"Hey nicer clothes today!"

Part of the process I advocate (practice practice practice!) is the whole package: what to say, how to say it, which direction to take the conversation to. No I'm not missing the point. I know exactly what I'm talking about.