Met someone, now what?

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BTW...just because this thread reminded me of her, I looked at her FB page a second ago.

Apparently, she and her husband have a baby due this Spring. Can't help but be happy for her, of course, but talk about fate breaking the BIG d*ck off in ya.....



Another girl comes to mind also.. I worked with her. She was basically my "work wife," if you're familiar with that term. She talked to me about stuff, and I talked to her about stuff.. We were close, but she knew I was seeing someone and I knew she was seeing someone. There was never anything inappropriate between the two of us, but it just might be that the two of us always kinda had it in our heads that we might flint a little something up if we found ourselves simultaneously single.. I think we'd both entertained the idea, and I don't think anybody around the office would have been surprised in the least had it actually happened..

I'll never forget, for as long as I live, the day she came into my office for a simple "Hey, what's up" and noticed that I was wearing a wedding ring.. I hadn't told anybody at my work that I was getting married, so I knew it would be a surprise to her.. What I hadn't counted on was it being a *shock* to her.. She literally just stopped and stared at it, and I'm pretty sure I saw a little color drain out of her face.. She took a few steps back from my desk and sat down in the guest chair.. I didn't really know what to say, and neither did she.

Finally, she just looked at me with a confused, somewhat disappointed expression on her face and asked...."Why?"

Something I hadn't expected was what I felt next...my heart broke.

I did the best I could to explain that we'd been talking about it, and that we wanted kids and so forth, and this was sorta like laying the foundation for all that.. She eventually managed to congratulate me and said it was really cool and so forth, but...I dunno.

Anyway, not long after that, she came in with an engagement ring on and got hitched shortly thereafter.. I have no idea where she is now, but I hope she's happy.. I'm not, obviously, but I hope she is. lol

Still, I can't help but wonder what might have happened if I'd broken things off and pursued her. Might have been wonderful.. She may have been the love of my life..

And I'll never know.



I've SERIOUSLY gotta get outta this thread, bro! It's making me want to jump off a cliff or something. LMAO

But, to reiterate...YOU'RE NOT ALONE! lol

Good gravy...nobody should envy me. You don't know me, so you're just gonna have to trust me on that one..

Also, before you go selling your soul for a failed relationship, understand this: every failed relationship was, at one point, a FAILING relationship, and there are few things in life more miserable than having to live through a failing relationship. I'm not trying to invalidate the way you're feeling right now -- I know it sucks to be unhappily single, and I know a thing or two about feeling like you might just be so irreparably f*cked that you'll end up dying all alone.

Remember -- I'm in the middle of divorce *right now,* which makes me single.. Only, I'll have *two* divorces under my belt at the wise old age of 32. Reckon that's gonna help my chances of finding a date in the future?

I kinda doubt it..

So if I could go back and NOT have been in any of my previous relationships at this point...I WOULD. I know you think that's nuts and that I'm crazy for saying it because the way you're feeling right now isn't something you'd wish on your worst enemy...I get it. Thing is, I'm feeling the same way on account of BAD relationships..

Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other.

Having said all that, it seems to me that all you really need to learn is how to act around girls...to be *comfortable* around girls. And the older you get, the more "odd" it becomes that you don't have any experience with girls, so the more nervous you get and the weirder you feel.. Yes?

If that's the case, I think I'd start going strip clubs if I were you. Seriously.. Yes, those girls are paid to be nice to you and say things guys like to hear, but I swear you'll *think* they really like you -- and that's the whole point! The common misconception -- among women, mostly -- is that guys go to strip clubs to see boobs.

WRONG.

Guys go to strip clubs because women in strip clubs make them feel a certain way.. Desired, I guess. Hot. However you want to characterize it.. That's all it is.

Now, if you can't even imagine the idea of a girl actually *wanting* you to see her in all her naked glory, let alone be able to fathom the idea of some random chick doing unholy things in your lap, then that's *precisely* what you need to do. You need to acclimate yourself to being around women. You need to get comfortable with women. You need to force your brain to accept the idea that you're NOT so awful that no woman would ever be *eager* to climb up one side of you and back down the other -- and have a big ol' smile on her face the whole time. Let them come to your table and chat them up whil you buy them overpriced, watered-down drinks....if you say something ret*d to a stripper, it's OK. Not like she was "the one" anyway, right? Hell, on second thought, you could probably tell a stripper *exactly why you're there* and they'd probably be more than happy to give you pointers and critique your game...or lack thereof. You said you wanted a woman with the guts to tell you what you're doing wrong, right? Well, there ya go... Then, just keep going until you reach a point where you actually *look forward* to a stripper coming over to your table..

Granted, not everyone here is going to agree with what I'm suggesting, but the reality is that *most* people got the experience you're lacking -- and needing -- as relative youngsters, so you're going to have to take an alternate path. To me, this is an ideal solution, even if it is somewhat unconventional.

So that's my $.02.

stripper are paid to make you feel good, not to critique your technique. they make money on keeping customers happy, even if taht involves lying or smiling at men they dislike. it's a job.

i think it is better if he works on relating to women socially (though it sounds like he already has a great start), because getting comfortable with a naked woman in a club will NOT help him talk to clothed women in the mall or wherever.

I'm just saying that he needs to have the experience of interacting with a woman who *wants* him to feel good, just so he'll know it's possible that a woman could ever want him to feel good. I get the impression that, as it stands, he probably thinks it's just not possible -- but it is! And it's just as possible in the real world as it is in a strip club!

The fact that strippers will work really hard to convince him that he's desireable, without regard to how they may *actually* feel about him, more or less guarantees that it'll be a *positive* experience, too -- not yet another negative one that only serves to reinforce his poor self-image.

And while it may seem self-defeating for me to suggest it only to point out, over and over again, that it's basically a gigantic hoax, all I can say is...I've been to strip clubs. lol You can go in *knowing* that every girl in that place only wants your money, but as soon as some pretty little thing sits down at your table, looks deep into your eyes and smiles at you, you begin to question yourself. "Maybe," you'll think to yourself..."Maybe this one really *does* like me?" Happens every time -- ask any guy who's ever been.

In any case, one of the very worst things you can do to someone who stresses over a particular situation is dump them into that very situation without knowing what the outcome will be. Any shrink will tell you that's a bad idea. It's like taking a person who's afraid of dogs and locking them in a room with a vicious pitbull as some kind of "immersion therapy." You just don't do that.. What you do is figure out the least terrifying level of interaction the person can have with whatever they fear, and you start there, working your way up. You might talk about dogs, if that person is afraid of dogs...and then you might watch film of dogs...and then you might eventually hand that person a harmless little puppy.

Naked strippers, in this case, are the puppies.

The girl at the mall?...she may very well be a vicious pitbull who rejects him and reinforces his negative self-image. The point is that we don't know the outcome.

We *know* what's gonna happen when he goes into a strip club, though.

And so far as the idea that talking to a naked stripper doesn't translate to talking to a clothed girl at the mall, all I can say is that they're usually not *totally* naked when they come to your table to chat you up. I know that doesn't seem to be much different, but it is. When they sit to chat, there's at least *some* notion of propriety.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm coming off like a strip club afficionado or whatever -- I'm not. I've only been a handful of times. What I can tell you from my experiences, though, is that when a girl comes to the table to talk, guys talk.. Guys you can't even imagine talking to a girl THAT HOT will find the courage to talk.. It's just *easier* in there, for whatever reason.

I highly recommend it to the OP.. Like I said before, I know not everyone's going to agree...and that's cool...but I personally think it could be a really good, safe, effective springboard.

I appreciate your advice, but I'm not sure I'd find improvement through strippers either.

What confounds me is what I am doing wrong. I just don't know. I mean, it's not like I do the same thing every time, madly expecting a different result. I think hard about a particular date, and what I think I could've done different. And I try to do that. I read about techniques for success and try to adapt.

But all winds up the same: the girl never answers my phone calls, if I even get her number. Of all the women I've tried to pursue, only a handful granted me dates, and none needed more than one to figure out I wasn't for them.

What is WRONG with me? The silence drives me mad. I search my memories and can't recall a girl flirting with me. I've never had a friend tell me "so and so likes you" I really feel this despair that I am truly unloveable. There is my family of course, but family is "supposed" to love you. And I resent and frankly dislike that kind of love. I don't want blind, obligatory love. I want someone who wants me. Who chooses me. There's never been anyone like that, and I just don't think there ever will.

And to make it worse, all my friends are marrying off, and one by one I lose them, as I become a tertiary priority to their spouse. And I grow to secretly despise them for their happiness and good fortune. It was hard enough to make the friends I have, and they're being taken away, so I am desperate to find someone of my own, because it's either that or things get worse, and worse.

I gotta find someone

i've been to the peelers - both male and female strippers. didn't want to die without having done so lol (did you know in my province that both girls and guys strip ALL the way down?)

the fact is, most people are not fooled by the attention the strippers provide, which is why most men don't choose it as a long-term regular activity. it is emplty and ultimately unsatisfying. they understand it is fake. (info taken from my discussions with men).

i think if a guy is going there to raise his own self-esteem, it could give a guy a false expectation that women will be that accomodating in regular situations, and that will not be proven true. some women will be pitbulls, and others will be kittens. but very few will cling and flirt like a stripper on first meeting. it is nothing like a real-life situation.

our friend Brianruns10 sounds like he is, indeed pretty okay with talking to women. he did a great job at the movie with that woman. but it just didn't pan out. he had an excellent appoach - meet someone during an activity that he found enjoyable. i'd say to keep trying the same things, because he got pretty far.

to the OP - would it help you to know that back in my dating days my success rate was between 10% and 25% of the guys i tried to date or sleep with (sometimes much lower, if you included some rough spots)? rejection happens, but there's always another person to try.