Is My Husband an Aspie?

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Popsicle, I am married to an Aspie man, 25 years now. We only learnt about Aspergers just before christmas. You need to read my Blog.

In a lot of ways your husband is a lot like mine. As has been said you have to be precise in what you say, even if you think it will hurt his feelings, because chances are it won't. Be blunt and give lots of praise when he does something you like. Or when he does something correct.

My husband has always stepped away when I go to hug him or kiss him, when we were courting he used to hug and kiss me a lot, now I know that he did it because he thought that's what courting couples do, and he was a great kisser. Once we were married that practically stopped. Now he hardly ever does and he very rarely initiates it. He has space problems which over the years I have got used to, but I don't like them. But with small steps he has come a long way, I found that I had to desensitize him, now he enjoys aspects of the bedroom that he used to shudder at.

He does have meltdowns to some extent, when things get too much for him he goes about the house mumbling to himself, he does this because he knows I wont like what he is saying. I have only recently learnt this.

There are some things he won't talk about, the main one is love and personal feelings. He won't talk about sex except in yes or no answers.

But I have learnt to know that he does love me in other things he does, ie he likes to collect stuffed toys, he buys them and gives them to me, saying "I thought you might like this" with a big grin over his face, yes he collects them, but he gives them to me. If I am out he might make the dinner, now he's no great cook but what I love about him is that he tries to do what he finds hard to do.

As for having children, I brought up ours on my own, he wasn't much for playing with them or having much to do with them untill they could comprehend and have proper discussions. When they got to be 12 to 13 years old he had a much better relationship with them. Now they are 19 and 20 and he finds them a worry. And he is a worrier.

Both our children have Aspergers. But fortunately higher functioning then their dad.

Please feel free to read my blog that may help you. Being married to an Aspergers is possible but you have to take time to learn about what makes him tick, look out for signs of love but don't expect anything romantic unless you plan it. Don't expect Nt behaviour from him. Aspergers is the person. And believe me they are wonderful people.

One thing I have found is that it's good to get away for a few days or a week, to get some NT socializing done.

Yep. I'm pretty certain he's an aspie.
Maybe he only shows rage and fear becuase those are the only emotions he knows how to show?
There's a few articles that describe our emotions as 'flat', no they're not.
It's simply that we don't know how to show them so that tothers can understand them.
Certainly, be specific.
We lack the intuitive skills and for the most part have never been taught.
Also, 50s = traditional socilisation, more than likely so he's probably partly discouraged from speaking about his feelings.

Say, that you don't instinctivly know anything about Science, and no-one has ever taught you.
You recieve a science test.
Kinda like that.

Sensory issues can be behind lack of expression. I know there are certain people that are waay overblown in the expression of emotions; it irritates the heck out of me. I cannot stand hystronics. For me, my voice contains all the emotion it needs. Everyone else calls it flat.

Hello everyone!

Sorry it's been a while. I have had flu or something this week, and have wanted to be fairly alert in order to craft a sensible reply!

Just to update... (and I plan to reply more in detail later, to points each person made, but for now...)

Hubby moved back in. It was getting expensive for him to stay at the hotel and as with most things, Plan B was up to me - even though it was supposed to be HIM trying to impress ME and get back into MY good graces... It ended up being simply that he said he wanted to come home, and I said OK.

I did set some stipulations, and so far, (big surprise!) he hasn't followed through on those. The thing is, I do tell him in specifics, and in plain language (sometimes one-word syllables for the entire sentence!) what I want or need. He either doens't listen or doesn't care. This is why he's so puzzling to me. I can only conclude that he cares to the extent that his life or his day is as HE wants it. Which is OK for him but not OK for me, since, that's a bit selfish. And married people should think about each other's needs, not just their own.

I've really appreciated everyone's posts. It was very generous of each of you to take the time to try and answer my questions, and share information and insights. Thank you.

The more I read the replies here, the more it sounds as if he is indeed an Aspie. I think part of the problem in getting him diagnosed is he is (occasionally only) going to a therapist who's just a counselor - the therapist is not a psychiatrist and is not a specialist in Aspergers. In fact he seems to know little about it. Most of what he did say sounded like stereotypes to me. I think he expects any Aspergers person to be totally "flat" - all the time, too - and never smile or show emotion. He said other things like that which sounded very old fashioned and narrow minded to me. He wasn't being judgmental, he just sounded uninformed or unenlightened. Unfortunately my husband takes anything this guy says at face value. So I can't get him to agree to see an Aspergers specialist. I think seeing an Aspergers specialist might make both our lives easier.

Hubby still 'melts down' after only a couple minutes of any discussion which is deeper than small talk. He seems to have learned how to make small talk in some rudimentary way - i.e. he will go into a monologue about stocks, or sports. Neither of which interest me in the least, unfortunately. Haha. Politics is another topic he will launch into if I ask him to 'talk to me' and he agrees. I have tried to tell him none of those topics interest me. I also have tried to get him to talk about topics which DO interest me. *sigh*

I thought he had made a breakthrough last night. I made a decision (something not to do with he and I, but which had emotional impact for me) and told him I needed his support. I told him it would be difficult in the months ahead, and that I might need to reach out to him at times and hear his support and love. He became very earnest and said he would give me that support "anytime you need it". He said he would "be here to give you support" etc. Well, I thanked him a lot, and said it would be really nice to count on him, since I really didn't have anyone else right now I could count on to listen. About two minutes into that talk, he began wringing his hands, mumbling to himself, etc. When I reminded him he had just FINISHED saying he would support me as much and as many times as I needed... and now he already was not listening... Then he just kept muttering to himself, rocking, etc., until he finally fled the room. I even said to him (as usual) "please don't run away". He did anyway.

The problem is the therapist never sees him like that! Most people meet his 'facade' which is fairly functional - he works, and can talk with those people. But he gives tech support by phone (for computers, no surprise!) and now works from a computer at home. So he doesn't ever have to see anyone he doesn't want to.

Sorry for venting a bit there. It's just so frustrating for me. I try and get him to talk about what he's feeling (when he melts down, or just after) or what he wants me to do or say, and I tell him what I need him to say or do. He just doesn't. For instance, we still need a bed big enough for two. It sounds ridiculous, but we actually have to take turns sleeping! My health and outlook have suffered as a result, no doubt from sleep deprivation! But he doesn't want me to just order furniture on my own. And I need his help to clear the way for a new bed, etc. As I mentioned before, I was sick for a long time and am still on the mend. So I can't really do physical things like that, all alone yet. But the main thing is, if I did something that big, without his being in on it, and approving it first, then he'd have a major hissy. He'd essentially be non functional for days including sleeping around the clock.

Essentially I am in uncharted territory (not even he knows what's going on during a meltdown or fugue state - he can't tell me what's wrong - and often afterward, he can't remember anything. So is he dissociating?). I don't want to push him too far out of his comfort zone for fear he may not make it 'back'. What if he stayed that way (fugue state or hysteria) in other words.

Oddly (for me), if I ask him to do something small, he will often do it. He will HAPPILY make me a sandwich or bring me a bottle of water. Things like that. My mom's overheard this on the phone, and thinks it's terrible. But I try to tell her, it's the only interaction we really have! And he seems to enjoy doing things like that. Other things are a problem. Basically, if it is something which involves more than two 'steps' to get done, or anything where I am being emotional - sad or angry, (I can't help it, sometimes - I have to let it out! LOL) he begins to fizzle out. By this I mean his hands shake and his voice tremors, and kind of whines.

Someone asked why I married him. Quite simply, he hid his real self from me. He may not have been fully aware of doing that. I think he has put on a facade of "jocular fellow" for so long, around others, that it became habit. Also he's not the introspective type. He also told me, after we were married a year or two, that he had "become the person others want to marry". It took me a while to figure out what that meant. I think he meant it literally. He was kind of like a student signing up for extra curricular courses which he felt would look good on his resume - and as soon as he was 'accepted' - in this case, into marriage - he dropped all that.

But larger than that issue was the fact that he only seemed to date women from out of town (one at a time, but, they were all out of town). I think he could keep up his NT impersonation long enough, in that case. Our religion doesn't believe in sex before marriage or living together, really, so that covered that for him I guess. Lol. We did a lot of things together while dating, and went out places to eat, etc., and he had no problem spending money. Now I think he must've seen all that as a means to a goal - marriage. He simply sees no need to continue those things now that he's met his goal. I do think he made more of an effort to rush things along due to the woman prior to me, breaking off their engagement twice. She told him (he told this to me), "I love you, but I just can't marry you". (He did not elaborate as to why that might be.) I think she must've seen some of his issues... With me, he rushed things along, and I was silly enough to be flattered by that. He does also have this rather cold way about him at times. For a while I wondered if he was a sociopath, but that didn't seem to fit. I've now read that narcissists and aspergers folks have one or two traits similar?? At least, it's a thread on this board.

Someone mentioned sensory issues. He may have those. He likes absolute quiet. I'm one to play music (if on my own) and have the Tv going just for sound. I do keep things quiet as he likes - but again that's not me. I do ask him to wear earplugs sometimes at night, if there is something on Tv I really want to watch.

But again, how to make HIM see what seems obvious to myself and many of you, now? To him, the only problem is that I want things from him (like quality time, talk, touch, basic needs of housing/furniture) and in his mind I should leave him alone. He DOES at times SAY he will do those things. He just never does. What am I to make of that?

Many here have hit upon (to me) the key issue. Once someone has translated the language for the other person, the important thing is whether or not the person refuses to speak it anyway. In my case, I feel that I have translated for him what I need, what I want, and what really must change. I have told him what bothers me and I think I've been reasonable about all of it. I mainly ask for things I cannot do without. So why hasn't he spoken my language yet?

I'm sorry I am being kind of repetitive.. I have said some of this before. I guess I wanted to state that not much has changed. It's only been a week but honestly, I see no intention on his part to change. I do not want to act as his 'mother' and nag him about this and that. It seems daily I must tell him - literally tell him - go do THIS, and he might do it... if it's a small thing. But something like we need to do - buy furniture, buy a car, move somewhere we can buy a house - are huge items requiring several steps to accomplish, and teamwork, and others relying upon us (example: making an appointment to see houses; keeping that appointment, and not changing his mind, so that we look undependable).

In the past (only after we got engaged did this type of thing begin - and I chalked it up to wedding jitters) he has canceled an appointment with people at the last minute, without any way to contact them, when a group was waiting for us with purchased tickets... and his reason? "I didn't feel like it". I think by his age he could have learned some sense of social obligation.... at least, if he plans to make PLANS with people, and/or to date or marry. If I spoke Danish, he would have to eventually learn my language - to me this is the same thing. I don't expect him to be an emotional expert, but, to make some effort to speak the language of emotions, I suppose.

Do some Aspies resort to booze or drugs to be more comfortable socially? As a youth he did some of that. In a school setting of course, he would've been around people all the time, and expected to be socially proficient or he wouldn't have had a good experience in school.

I should also add that he is from a very large family of exuberant, loud siblings (for the most part). It seems to me he got overlooked somehow. I can see many examples of how he sort of just never grew up. He lacks basic skills like cooking and cleaning. Also no one seems to have taught him basic manners. Certainly no one taught him how to relate to women.

All of that aside... I do care about him. It may sound as if I am criticising him. That isn't my intention. I simply want to outline the problems so that perhaps someone can offer insight which might help us.

I will end this post on an "up" note. There is a lot I admire about Aspergers people. They are direct, and honest, and deal with discrimnation and misunderstandings. They are expected to adapt to others and act like others. Yet for the most part no Aspie I have met or 'spoken' with online has seemed bitter overall. In fact I see a lot of integrity and compassion, despite being forced to live in someone else's world basically. I think my brother may also be an Aspie by the way. One trait of his I wish I had also, is his ability to let go of things. He does not hold grudges or anger. Once something is over, it's over. I tend to be emotional and to stew or ruminate on the past. This is not productive.

I also will say that emotions can be untidy things. My 'flu" all week may have simply been stress related. My husband on the other hand, slept well all this time. haha.

I will go to the links and order the books recommended to me here. One person whose husband is Aspie said to read her blog. I did not find a link to that blog anywhere. If you post the link I will read it

Again thanks to everyone. Comments and input and insight still very much welcome if anyone wishes to post anything. Including the name of a specialist in the Los Angeles area. If I can find someone it will be that much easier to TRY to talk him into going.

Is not initiating things an Aspie trait? He also seems very indecisive - with everything. Typically he does not take action even on major necessary things in life until absolutely forced to. For instance, only moving once the building was sold, despite that apartment being way too small for two. Yet he doesn't want me to carry out tasks on my own, either. He won't drive, and he won't give up the reins. Sorry I tend to speak in pictures. I hope that's OK!

That was definitely the case with my partner. When we met (i was 15, he's 5 years older) drugs were a major part of our lifestyle. He was constantly on amphetamines and was outgoing & sociable. We were unable to get together as his girlfriend had got pregnant.

We ran into each other years later & still felt the same. I was overseas so we talked in text for hours about absolutely anything. Eventually I came back to the UK and we got together.

We moved away from our home town and he lost access to the drugs. That's when it got really bad. I couldn't understand why he wanted/needed drugs, I thought he'd just been doing it because he was unhappy. He had also had a bad drink problem but had given up alcohol completely a few years before. He had rages, paranoia, and severe depression. I only kept going because I knew him so well, and knew what a lovely person he was underneath it all.

5 years later we'd reached a point where he could function without chemical assistance, even if he wasn't particularly happy about it. He was given a strong painkiller after an operation, and overnight he became the person I knew again. The GP (incredibly) agreed that he could take it permanently. Then we found out about Aspergers, and the depression & drug use was explained. He said he felt 'normal' with drugs because they gave him a break from the chaos in his head, and made him socially confident.

I'd be interested in how many Aspies here can relate to this...

http://threeforcompany.blogspot.com/ this is my blog.

You spoke about you learning his language which is great if you can put yourself in his shoes whch is very hard to do. But he won't be able to learn your language very well if at all, my aspie daughter has to explain to her aspie boyfriend the way I work, my thought process etc, he says it doesn't make sense and the way I think is stupid, and to him it is, I don't think or do things logically which they all do. I sometimes give myself a mental kick when I finally sort of understand their point of view.

I maybe going to start a war now but as far as doing things without him because he doesn't like it....... there are somethings in life that you just got to do for your aspie husband, it's a bit like taking a child to the dentist to have a tooth removed, they hate it and you feel awful doing it making them go though that process, but it has to be done. Get the help of a friend and rearrange your bedroom to make room for the new double bed, make him sleep downstairs on the couch, he may rant and swear and have a major paddy about it, but when your married to an aspie man you have to take control because some aspie men can't (mine included.) get your double bed, choose and buy it, have it delivered. When his finished having his melt down and finished moaning he will be pleased you got the bed and wonder why you both didn't do it sooner. remember to explain that your doing this because you want to sleep with him, you want to lay next to him and feel his body up against yours, don't mention sex. just that you want to sleep with him and you want that closeness. And that your tired of not getting proper sleep.
With no double bed no intamacy, there you may have other problems, you need to read the adult section or pm me about that. This could also be why he is in no hurry to get that double bed, he may have sensory issues and it sounds as though he does, not just physical ones but mental ones as well.

Try not to tell him what you want, don't explain the way you feel unless it is positive, take life as it comes and if it isn't to your likeing change it yourself, look at it this way, a man and a woman, the woman wants to be shown she is loved and wanted, hugs affection etc, but the man although he may feel he loves her has a wall that stop these feelings showing and it is painful for him to keep butting against this wall. He can't do it. No matter how many talks you have with him, no matter how many times you say you need his support his understanding, because what your trying to do is make him take off the cloack of aspiness, it won't come off it is him. This took me 24 years to realize this. i can't change my husband, he may learn to do physical things and he may push himself to hug me but there are many times that he wants to hold me and he just can't.

Take the mental pressure from him by not being demanding in what you want, let him be him without you questioning why he does what he does or what he says, listen to what little he does say, ask a small question, just one, if you don't fully understand. Wait till his mood is good and bring it up again , remind him what he said and ask him to clarify it. But don't rush him about it. If he doesn't remember then don't worry about it. By doing this you will find your husband as he really is and he may find it easier to talk with you about other more personal matters for short periods of time. When you see him getting stressed then change the subject to a more friendly one a more nuteral one.

Now about his fields of interest let him talk about it, give him a certain time in the day where he can talk about his interests, these times will have to be long to start with then make them shorter throughout the day. But don't deny his need to talk about these things. Try and get him physically into something like an art class or swimming, something of his own where you are not involved, go along a few times with him, you may have to try different things, go along yourself and find something for yoursef without him. Spend time apart in personal interests, maybe there is a local group who do what your husband is interested in, encourage him to go, and for the first time go with him, you never know he may meet other aspies and make some friends. This way he will be widening his outlook on life. (this I still have to do for my husband. he is reluctant and there isn't much here, but there is a local Aspergers group that meet monthly, I'm hoping to get him into that.)

Just take life easy and don't worry, remember you have to be the leader in your relationship because he doesn't know how to, but it can be rewarding, like when he initiates a hug, or says something sweet like I Love You. You may have to wait a long time but it will happen.

Dont worry about meltdowns they do pass, take a walk and let him stew, when my husband does this it reminds me of a five year old having a tantrum, it passes. And the reasons why are usually forgotten. Don't bring them up and don't treat him like a five year old, just let it pass and don't be affraid of them, but if you are in danger of physical abuse then leave, explain that sort of behaviour is unexceptable and tell the police. But I have never heard of meltdowns being physical. Also don't try and rationalize with him during a meltdown, he won't be able to think straight while going through this, and even though it may look as though it is over it maybe a few hours before he is himself again.

If you want to watch the TV you can always wear the earphones or watch it in another room. But don't stop because he finds it uncomfortable, try and get around this. Talking won't help but practical solutions will.

That's so true... I used to be terrified of meltdowns. But now I know what they are I can just walk away and leave him to it.

I've found sometimes when I really need to discuss a sensitive issue with him, I have to bring it up and let him have the meltdown. Then a couple of days later, usually in neutral territory like the pub when he's relaxed, I'll say 'sorry I upset you the other day, but I really needed to talk to you about that. I'm not expecting you to have to DO anything, I just wanted to get it off my chest.'

Usually when I do it this way it's one step removed from the issue. He knows what it is, but we don't have to say the words if he doesn't want to. The last couple of times I did it this way we ended up talking about it and resolving the issue.

We're at the stage now where I can mention a meltdown a couple of weeks later, and we even sometimes have a laugh about it if the thing that caused has been dealt with.

You mentioning the bed made me giggle. One of the things that made me wonder about some form of autism was when we got a new bed.

We had a very old mattress when we first moved in together, then we got a futon but that was really uncomfortable. So we put the futon mattress over the old one with the springs sticking out, and slept on that for 5 years. I hated it, because the futon mattress always slid off the other one and was really uncomfortable.

A few months ago I was talking to a friend at work who'd just bought a new bed, and her mattress was too small for it. She said it was only a year old and she'd let me have it for £20. So I got my partner to drive me over to her house and pick it up. On the way we took the old ones to the dump.

As soon as we got the new one on the bed, he sat on it and had a meltdown. He insisted it was so uncomfortable that he could NEVER sleep on it. He said we'd been ripped off, there was a problem with the sptings, it was too soft, too bouncy, too everything. (I thought it was the most comfortable thing I'd ever laid on!)

Bedtime was a nightmare for weeks. He couldn't sleep and complained that his back & neck hurt. He said it was ruining our sex life. Every night I mentally prepared myself for the tirade. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was miraculously free of back pain in the mornings, for the first time in YEARS!

This really made me think, as it was obviously not about the bed but about CHANGE. My little sister is Autistic, and I realised that there were similarities. She screamed the place down all night if you even moved a bit of furniture.

It took a couple of months before we could go to bed without him getting angry. Now he doesn't mention it at all, he's got used to it. But I learned that we have to go through this if I want anything to change. If we hadn't dumped the old mattress I'd still be sleeping on it in another 20 years. Sometimes these things just have to be done, and it gets easier the more you do it

Thank you so much, everyone, for your input. It really is helping (me, anyway).

Tonight we were supposed to go to a party. The party was not fancy or dress-up. It was just next door. A neighbor was having a birthday party. It's the first birthday party of his we were invited to, and he said "It's a big deal... my 50th". I wanted to be sure to go.

Well, hubby did object to my gift a couple days ago - he did later OK it so I thought that was settled (I got the man $50 itunes gift cert. - easy to print from home and give, and seemed to fit the occasion)... We were pretty much set to go.

I still had to get ready, but it would not have taken long. However despite his being dressed to go, he was starting his meltdown. I could see it coming. He began to shake, and mumble to himself, and just sort of snap at me verbally, if I tried to speak to him. He began just saying, "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up." When I asked him what was wrong, or what was going on.

He had done a couple of errands (I had only asked him to do one of those) earlier in the day. Now he was saying he was "exhausted". To me it did not seem to be the truth. I have seen people who were exhausted, myself included (In fact I have chronic fatigue syndrome, made worse by stress by the way, ha). This wasn't JUST exhaustion.

Well soon he went to lie down on the sofa. Soon he was fast asleep. And that was that! Nevermind that this is the first party either of us have tried to go to in a long, long time (at least 3 years). Nevermind that he promised we'd go together. He just slept without explanation.

Later I tried to wake him up; his eyes just fluttered, and he kept talking to himself. He had his arms kind of crossed across his chest, in a stiff manner. But he would not sit up, and his reaction to my trying to tell him "But it's getting late, the party will be over, will you please at least take him his card?" was "Shut up, shut up" under his breath.

So I finished getting ready myself, and took the Birthday card, with the gift certificate in it, to the neighbor myself. I was so embarrassed. How could I explain why we were so late, and why my husband didn't go? I left soon after giving the man his card.

Does this sound famliar to anyone? Not long before the party, hubby had popped a second Paxil (He normally just takes one, in the morning) and soon after he had his meltdown, and then began to look very sleepy.

He did the same thing the other day when I wanted "to talk about our marriage". I begged him, "Please - just sit facing me, and let's talk about our marriage". He absolutely refused to do that. I told him he could try to do that once in four years! And that we really needed to talk. So he popped a Paxil, and he faced me, eventually. But he didn't talk. He sat there like he was stoned out of his mind, and stared into space through half shut eyes.

I know he can try harder than this. I don't think the Aspergers (which I now think he does have) is the problem. I think his personality and lack of character are the problems. In my opinion a person ought to keep a promise, and ought to work at a relationship.

AmeliaJane, your ex's meltdowns and being different on and off chemicals (my husband drinks sometimes, even on Paxil, and he pops the Paxil like it's a tranquiliser whenever he wants one) sound really familiar!

By the way hubby was the same way long before he began taking Paxil. The mood swings are just more emphasized now.

redvelvet said:

You could be describing him, here. I can never figure out why he doesn't make decisions, he just goes along until something forces him one way or the other. Someone says to move out of his own (co-owned) home, he does, and lets them sell it when they want to. After we got married, we lived in his flat until the building was sold. Necessities like furniture or a home also seem unimportant to him. I wait, then periodically I get urgent and emotional about it. Nothing helps. Some thing I can complete on my own, some not. It does seem a lonely way to go about a marriage.

But as you say, what strikes me is, that once something's changed, he is always glad for the new way! After dragging his heels and fighting change the whole way. Stressing me out a lot in the meantime. Then once things change he is fine with it! I will never understand that. Doesn't he know what he wants? Can someone explain that to me? It's as if, for him, none of the struggle or arguments ever happened. He might even comment as to how much he likes things the new way.

AmeliaJane said:


I sure hope so! The mattress story sounds a LOT like my husband too. His meltdowns are more quiet (than your husband's sounds) maybe... (unless I try to talk to him during one, even to ask 'what's wrong?' - then he might bark SHUTUP!) he whimpers, shakes, cries, rocks sometimes too. Or he just juts his jaw out. Then will ask angrily, (for example), "Why did you make me get rid of my sofa? It was still in great condition, it was a great sofa" etc. (I didn't 'make' him get rid of it either; we were moving and it didn't make sense to have two sofas and his was much older and worn than my sofa.)

Nevermind that tatty sofa was cheap when new, had seen its best days 20 yrs ago, and the thrift shop didn't want it. Or that we were newlyweds then, and it's common to buy something nice and new. (We didn't buy a new one anyway; we are still using my old one. He's asleep on it right now; which by the way he doesn't seem to mind at all. "Being in the doghouse" has no impact on him. Ha. He just settles in.) I think he would get comfortable living in a shoebox if that's what he knew. Come to think of it this may explain why my Aspie brother isn't bothered by things in his life either. It's hard for me to understand. To me, logic = see a problem, solve it. Maybe the thing is that for hubby, squalor isn't a problem!

Ah, his reaction to the party is so typical! It's a social situation... terrifying to an Aspie. Lots of people and noise. These things will be easy for them to say OK to when it's off in the future somewhere, but confronted with the reality of having to actually DO it will trigger a meltdown every time.

In my old job we'd occasionally meet for a drink after work on a Friday. I'd tell him on Monday that it's been decided we're going this Friday, and he'll say 'great! Am I coming?' Well my friends all like him and I want him with me, so I'll say of course I want you to come.

On Friday morning I say 'Don't forget we're meeting at the pub tonight-I'll go straight there, join me when you get back'. He looks at me like I've just stuck a knife in him. 'Why didn't you tell me? I was planning a nice evening in, it's been an awful week, going to the pub is the last thing I want to do!'
'But I did tell you!'
'No you didn't! I've been looking forward to tonight, I was going to cook a nice dinner and now the evening's ruined!'
And so on...
Then I say I'll go just for one drink and he doesn't have to go, but then he's stuck at home on his own when he's been looking forward to spending some time with me. And it'll be too dark for me to walk home so he'll have to pick me up, which means he can't have a beer... Well basically I've ruined his life. And he always insists I never gave him any warning... by then he believes it too.

He is a lot better now though. He couldn't communicate what was so difficult before so he'd come up with lots of reasons not to go. Now I can really ask him how he feels about a social situation, and we can talk about what we'll do if it gets too much for him. And as he knows I understand why socialising scares him, he can just tell me he can't face it. And now I can tell my friends too-instead of them wondering why he's sat there with a face like thunder, or why I've made another excuse and backed out, I can just tell them and they understand.

Now I'm convinced he's an Aspie, bizzare or frustrating behaviour has become understandable. And it's taken the pressure off him because he doesn't have to find excuses for it. He can just come straight out and say what's bothering him.

As for the sofa thing, I'm having that exact same problem at the moment
Trust me, I know how you feel...

Let's be careful not to engage in any stereotypes here. It's probably a stereotype that Apsies are cold, distant, and quite schizoid but that simply isn't true. Some Aspies ( like me if I can get diagnosed and confirmed!) are just as needy in terms of emotional bonding as NTs are. I am not sure how your husband can live with a marriage like this but it's obvious that you are having trouble and I would be more in your shoes even though I may well be an Aspie. The fact of the matter is that all of my friends are NT, especially some women, and there has been one or more female NT that I would've loved to bond emotionally with because I felt romantic attraction for them. I just wish that some people wouldn't see Aspies as being cold and aloof and that all they're just a bunch of socially awkward schizoids who would prefer to be in their own little world. It may be true of some Aspies but not all, and especially not me and there's a very strong probability that not all here would fit the bill either.



Does he still see a therapist? Perhaps it's this therapist who can open your husband up to improving your marriage. Perhaps you could talk to this therapist of his and explain what's going on. He probably feels safer confiding in this therapist than he does with you. This therapist probably has the potential to help salvage your marriage.



If my advice is worth anything, I would kindly advise the two of you to seek marriage counseling. But if this is an option that you two would be willing to undertake- be sure it is someone who is very familiar with Asperger's Syndrome and will not be judgemental, condeming, or angry towards your husband. All too often, therapists or counselors who are unaware of a given syndrome or alternate "mental wiring" (yes, let's put it that way for the time being) will tend to be judgemental and not realize that they are dealing with a special kind of situation that requires more delicacy than NTs do.



Your husband probably doesn't have a lot of knowledge of what marriage requires and what it's all about. People with A.S. are socially clueless about norms, customs, mannerisms, etc. I learned the hard way. My mother would self-righteously judge me for things I didn't even know about such as certain rude behaviors and I hadn't any clue that what I was doing was rude. She didn't even bother to teach me; it's as though I was expected to have mannerisms and polite behavior built into me in a innate sense. Your husband probably doesn't understand the commitment factor and the emotional needs that he has. Some people will get the wrong impression and accuse him of being selfish or antisocial. This isn't the case; your husband is probably socially naive. But, the thing is, is that he is not going to adapt because of anything you say. This is going to take some professional counseling or therapy before he "gets the picture" here.

Matthew

You may like to keep this in mind:
"I keep six honest serving men,
their names are who, how, what, why, where and when"
Who would you like to do something?
How should it be done?
What is it?
Why does it need to be done?
Where does it need to be done?
When does it need to be done or done by?
Don't tell me, tell him.

Again, truly, thank you to everyone, for your posts. I truly appreciate each one.

AmeliaJane: Sorry to hear you have some of the same things happening in your marriage. I think that I wish I had two things you have mentioned, though. One is that hubby could be diagnosed or admit he has something like AS. More on that later in this post... The other thing is that I wish my hubby actually missed spending time with me or felt deprived if he could not. Although I guess it's fair to say due to his not needing to go out and my being physically still on the mend, that's not much of an issue I guess. Lol. We are cooped up together all the time... I guess that week in the hotel he did say at one point he wanted to come home. Can I take that to mean he missed me? I'm not sure. He's very 'cheap' with money, so it may have been his wallet that concerned him. In any case, if he cares about me, to my mind, he hides it very well.

The party... ah yes. How humiliating for me. And come to think of it he did act at the last moment as if he didn't know about it! He had run an errands earlier that day... and every time he does it is like he wants a medal... I do praise him but, in his mind it's as if I used up my favor card for that day or something. More to the piont I guess is that he doesn't care what he promised or what I want to do that night. The instant he has an inkling of how much nicer it would be to sit home or nap he just does that. He doesn't seem to know or care that we've said we'd be there, showing up on my own is embarrassing, that he's broken a promise to me or let me down... etc. Promises kept are big with me.

Now this is where a diagnosis and finding an expert would be nice. (It can't be that hard can it?? We live in Los Angeles... can anyone throw me a name? Or two? Or a support group name? Lol...) IF he knew and felt comfortable with a diagnosis of AS or Aspergers, then we BOTH coudl talk a new language *together*. For instance I knew someone with OCD and once diagnosed they were relieved. Then they could say "It's my OCD" and the person would back off some, y'know? But as long as hubby's denying how he really feels, and just bailing on me at the last minute, we both will be unhappy. I even tell him I'd rather he told me how he really feels. The most eloquent reply he can come up with is, "I can't talk".

The sofa thing... ah yes. He's there right now! He is there on weekends 24/7 almost.

InfidelMatt/Matthew:

Thanks too for your insights.

It wasn't my intention to profess or promulgate stereotypes. In fact I was reacting against those. I felt that in some threads... here & there... probably out of frustration with NTs... some were typifying us as "needy" and annoying. LOL (That may well also be true, but not all of us....) So I was just trying to say, Please, realise that we are just being ourselves too. That's all. No offense meant.

He sees a therapist sporadically. Actually it's the guy that I begged him to seek out (I had him ask someone we know) for both of us to go to. It is a marriage/family therapist. Well, it backfired on me. (As with anything I try to do to save this marraige it seems... Ok just feeling sorry for myself, nevermind...) We never learned to understand each other. We never learned communication skills for each other. We never made any progress. What happened instead is that he seemed to over identify with my husband (they have a lot in common as people in a superficial way I guess?? I dunno why it happened) and so I stopped going... Rather than addressing our very CURRENT, very real marital issues, he was wanting to mosey back to childhood and dwell there. Meanwhile the stress of trying to live with someone who won't compromise one bit was horrible. I went there to help our marriage.

Know what hubby told me last night? That the counselor told him "Why do you want to stay?". He said this marriage is destructive for both of us. Yes I knew that! But the reason we went to him (for me anyway?!) was to help us try to FIX that. Sheesh.

This same family counselor is now trying to treat my husband's diagnosed anxiety disorder, clinical depression... and I do not think he's the best one for it. I think things are so dire now that hubby needs a regular psychiatrist - a specialist in Aspergers if at all possible. BUT he's stuck on this guy now, (that routine and habit thing you know??) so he won't go anywhere else he said. He *might* go to a psychiatrist once/month to maintain med levels - IF this counselor guy gives him a name. So far, no name.

SO the other thing is that hubby plays roulette with his dosages. One day no pill. One day two pills. etc.

So, I wish the guy were working to salvage our marriage. Instead he takes hubby's facade to heart, and hubby's good at that facade... and can be very pleasant etc... and the tales of my "anger".... when to my mind four years of neglect is enough reason to be angry.... especially with every new promise of change, being broken... I'm not normally an angry person - have not yelled at relatives, friends, etc., but everyone has their limit right? So anyway now I am being pegged as the squeaky wheel... kill the messenger. The one saying the Emperor has no clothes, must be the crazy one. sigh. (Actually the shrink told me in private "You're not crazy. You've had some crazy things happen to you in your life but in fact you are very sane".)

So I dunno, but (ours now his) counselor confuses me. I think he's trying to walk hubby along slowly and just thinks he is depressed, period. But he has no idea even with that. It's me who sees him all the time and he has major meltdowns. Dissociative episodes (i'm not speaking in cliches Matthew but from experience - I'm not even still sure he's an Aspie after all). Forgets what day it is. Forgets what he said. Forgets commitments he just got dressed to go to. Screams at the top of his lungs suddenly.

But what bothers me is he won't take responsibility... I say, can you take even one percent? At this point I'd settle for that. For any indication he thinks it isn't just 'me'. I mean, I think this is 'us' together. and how we blend. He thinks he's fine and if I'd just leave him in (what I now call) his pod....

If you are married you must come out of your pod at times. That's all there is to it. (Unless you are in agreement you both love it like that)

I think you're right - he hasn't been married before and does not seem to realise the most basic fundamental expectations a wife would have. I don't even mean socially now but if a person says they want kids then won't, that's kind of big. Not wanting a home is kind of big. How can we live in this tiny apt. forever? That's kind of big. But as long as he has his cup of coffee and his comptuer and... his sofa.... lol... he's OK. My gripe I guess is that married people should want to make their spouse happy. (Or try to) Counseling is a great idea. Does anyone know where we can find an Aspergers oriented shrink in the Los Angeles area?

I do have trouble understanding how not caring if I'm unhappy or am having my needs met even ten percent, or not wanting to see anyone ever, is not selifsh or antisocial. Did I call him those things? I wrote the other posts too long ago to recall that much in detail. But, antisocial behavior isn't just not seeing people or socialising... in one sense it also means that you are against someone's best interests. He has lied to my face before, and to me that's antisocial because a lie takes away someone's choices... and also I hate lies.

Matthew, could you explain to me a bit more about how those things are not selifsh or antisocial? Or maybe I've misunderstood. Anyway I do hope that we get a specialist but - hubby's pretty attached to this guy... although he also misses going to any therapist months at a time.

PS I am sorry that your mother didn't understand regarding the social clues.

Iammeandnooneelse:

Not sure that I understood the poem. Does it mean that I should not talk about these things here? But isn't that what this forum is for?

This is a relationships forum. You oughta know there's gonna be some sticky emotional talk in here

And to answer the last line: Ohhh I have. A trillion times... it did no good. That's why I am blogging it to strangers

But thanks for your reply anyway, Iammeandnooneelse.

Popsicle

This is from Tony Attwood's recommended resources page.

Ring one (or several) in California from the list and ask them to recommend someone who deals with Aspergers in adults. I like psychologists better than psychiatrists, find someone who does "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy" - this strategy should work (on the depression, anxiety and partner neglect) whether he will admit Aspergers or not.
http://www.aspergers.com/asplist.htm

And you might want to print out that other page I recommended and give it to "our" therapist.
http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/published/ ... Room.shtml

"our" therapist... LOL. You get it, you really get it.

Thanks!

And thank you so much for the (info) referrals. I will look at all of them. I was trying to remember the name of a person I saw here... Tony Attwood is it. Sounds as if that is a practical resource. Just what I need.

I don't mind if he goes to a psychologist... as long as it's someone well versed in this type of thing, you put it very well. All those issues. I actually have no yen to get or keep him on his meds... in fact at first (when they first tried to put him on meds) I had him look up all the side effects in a book, and just said, make up your own mind but at least know first. I even wonder at times if the meds make him worse. But it's hard to tell as he never has them in a steady amount in his system. His moods are all over the place.

If I could get him to go to one of the doctors on that site it would be great. Hold a good thought Thanks so much again!!

(edit: I am reading the 'counselor' article... bingo. Lol. "ours" told us that "He has some things most guys have, only more so".) Will be printing that one out! ha...

Popsicle

I don't quite get it. I'm aspie too after all.

I don't get quite why you stay with him.

If you're running out of time when it comes to having kids - you might want to set a time limit on how long you will stay with him without improvement.

Improvement I would rate:
1. Sharing the state of your financies - are they good or bad?
2. Based on the state of the finances - lets go get a real house/apartment or Popsicle ditches most of the housekeeping duties and gets her own job and a separate bank account to which hubby gets NO ACCESS.
3. Regular dates - I'd start maybe with one a week but something similar to the rate you were doing when he "swept you off your feet". The thing about having a wife is all that stuff a guy has to do to get a woman - he must continue to do to KEEP her. If she has any self respect.
4. Sexual intimacy. Like making babies. With more care and attention than wham, bam, get lost, ma'am.

You want to be really sure you want to have children with him - and that he totally gets the idea of what it really takes to keep a wife. And he's got a good handle on what it takes to be a dad - or he's willing to do the research - starting right now. You can still practice having sex while using birth control until you decide it is worth the risk. Oh and aspieness is hereditary - so you risk having an aspie kid if you do have a baby with him. Could you live with TWO or more of them? Many women do - I don't know how they cope but it does help if the aspies are willing to make an effort. Read some of the stuff in the parent thread if you want to get a feel for the dark side. Note, not that many parents post when everything is going fine. Same with relationships.

I'd want to see a change inside three months, and serious continuing effort at 6 months, or it's time to go find a man who will meet your needs. If you had gotten him to write you a letter or email about having babies, you could probably get him on "breach of contract" now. Get him to put his promises in writing.

And the thing about a divorce is - you get half of everything - a housekeeper would have been a much cheaper option for him. If it is your apartment - you get to kick him out. Don't mention stuff like divorce until you have seen the finances and made notes.

The thing about aspie honesty for me - is I will be honest as best I can, until I find the other person dishonest - and then the need to be honest with them does not apply. I feel that way about real estate agents. I would not feel the least bit guilty about going through your husband's trash to get the bills and bank statements or opening his mail. I'd write down all the account numbers too. And I'd make sure I read the tax return.

It is possible that your husband was trained to be dishonest by women who said things like "tell me the truth, be honest with me". And would then get all emotionally upset and cry and scream when he did. Because when he's honest - he's going to say things you don't want to hear.

wobbegong - Sorry! Somehow I didn't read where you had said you were Aspie too. I vaguely recall something about it from last night but I was so tired by that point... my comprehension may have been low there.

Why do I stay with him? My chronic fatigue is so bad (stress makes it much worse, thus, vicious cycle) that I dont know how I'd earn my living. At this point though I think I have to look at the bigger picture anyway. And just trust in God basically. Hubby seems to almost know that I am stuck physically and taht seems to allow him to treat me how he wishes. To not try - to not listen even if I beg him to. Etc. He's happy with everything his way or the highway. Why he'd want to stay either - I don't know. Maybe it's cheaper than a divorce?? Maybe I'm a tax credit? who knows.

Having kids is not an option - due to my illness and my age now. I had hoped we cuold have kids before I got too old but with his distancing himself from me, obviously no kids. I was surprised though, when he didn't want to even discuss adoption either. Anyway... he just does not seem to be able to discuss any of this rationally. Bottom line. Also I seem to be the only one hoping for solutions. He's fine as things stand pretty much.

But I do see this dark look in his eyes at times and his saying he doesn't want ot go to the wedding is one. I asked if his family's planning on dropping in while I am away. He said he wouldn't even tell them... and faded off.

So basically I am stuck here financially. Your suggestion to start empowering myself financially is a great one though. I have to get more assertive there. He's obviously not caring about my interests there. He does say we have no debt. Well...he doesn't like to spend and we have no car or house payments. So yeh. No debts. Since he is very tight I doubt he wants to lose even a penny in any divorce. It is a lot cheaper to keep me on a tight chokehold financially and not divorce me I'm sure.

Sexual intimacy, that won't improve... not since my tears mean nothing to him on that regard. And as for ultimatums, I told him when he was in teh hotel for a week - where he should've stayed, I think now - that I can't take this any longer and things must change. He put promises in writing and had not kept one really. He did see a GP about his meds but not a psychiatrist. So even that was kept halfway. But any to do with me, nothing.

Sorry to overload you - I can see how the lack of logic here would be flummoxing... it is to me! If I were healthy physically this would be another story... I do wish I'd had the sense to leave him the first year.. but I had stars in my eyes, wanted kids, a home, etc... he kept dangling those carrots but did not keep those promises. Now I am too old, I don't have the choices I did before I met him, but I can still be more happy than I am now.

Anyway thanks for your continued input, pace yourself, this is a really heavy story It is OK with me if you say I should stop blogging it... But if you don't feel overwhelmed, please give input as your advice has all been really good.