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I just can't read women

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billsmithglendale
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07 Dec 2010, 11:59 am

jakeh3000 wrote:
I'm a 29 year old male who is enrolled in college right now. I'm trying hard to find a girlfriend right now, but I don't feel as if I come off as very smart, despite getting good grades and scoring over 120 on IQ tests regularly. I'm rather lonely and I want to find a date, but I just have such a hard time reading signals. It's so hard to gauge whether a woman is attracted to you in the first place, since women usually don't make it known verbally. I just have no idea how to flirt.

I did have one girl come up and tell me she thought I was handsome. But then she started dating another guy shortly after. :( It hurt me a lot. I still talk to this girl, in fact I've told her that I think she's cute, and she still talks to me after I told her that, so it seems like things are ok. I kind of regret saying it because she's dating someone else, but I just couldn't keep it inside (she did a meme on facebook asking for which friends thought she was cute). I have no idea though if she still finds me attractive. And to make it all the more interesting, I am really sure that she is on the spectrum, even though she hasn't told me herself.

I just feel like I need to move on from this girl and find other women who find me attractive. I just wish I knew a way to "filter out" so to speak women who would be interested in dating me in the first place, since I'm afraid to waste my energy on someone who doesn't like me, and who could damage my reputation if I make the wrong move. That's what makes it so hard for me to practice in the first place. I just wish I could learn the non-verbal cues that come with finding a mate.


Some notes -- girl who said you were handsome, keep in touch with her. She clearly still likes you, and if and when things turn sour with the other guy, you could be at the top of the list of guys she wants to date next.

You did say you were trying hard to find a GF -- stop trying so hard, women can smell desperation or "buying urgency." You want them to have some self-doubt as well and not be 100% sure that you like them, otherwise there is no challenge for them.

Yes, reading the signals is hard -- a good sign would be a girl who talks to you a lot but doesn't have to -- she does so with her own free time and will. There are other signals too (look up "protean" in wikipedia), but at the end of the day, it's something you are going to have to figure out gradually. Practice makes perfect, don't get too hung up on any one woman (until you eventually have a relationship with one), and do what you can to meet as many women as possible -- don't limit yourself to too small a sample.

Does that help?



techstepgenr8tion
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07 Dec 2010, 12:39 pm

To OP: I agree with several other posters. Its personality over appearance, personality over money, even personality quite often over long term success as I've met guys making over 80,000 a year who've lost long term relationships to gas station attendants.

Admittedly I'm on the out myself - partly my own standards and partly that I either don't meet anyone who catches my interest or, when I have, the commonalities for whatever reason won't necessarily have the same meaning from the other side. Still, I think your best bet is to figure out what your best and worst traits really are and then work to develop what you already excel at. That's not to say that you want to increase your chances with people who wouldn't have wanted you to begin with, unless you want a good chance of having your own personal despot, but work to sort out whatever gap stands between yourself and the girls who you have figured out to be right for you and vice a verse. If you don't know that one, probe yourself and other people's personalities a bit further, you can sort out over time what's meaningful and what isn't - which also helps save a lot of the agony and/or boredom that it sounds like your trying to avoid.



TheWeirdPig
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07 Dec 2010, 12:50 pm

jakeh3000 wrote:
I also have no student loans at all to pay off. I'm getting quite a bit from financial aid grants.


In this day and age, that's freakin' awesome 8)



Zur-Darkstar
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07 Dec 2010, 11:28 pm

I had my mother tell me when a girl was trying to flirt with me all the way through college. I'd usually lie and say "yeah I knew that" just because I didn't feel like discussing it. I was totally and utterly oblivious. I still am. Whatever I'm doing, I focus on that and everything else is kinda fuzzy so I miss things like that. I can read someone one on one when I'm focusing (job interviews), and I can read people I know well.



starygrrl
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08 Dec 2010, 2:10 pm

Honestly you are alot better off than some guys on this board in that you recognize your issues, and don't blame women for them. You know you have difficulty reading body language and that is at the root of the problem.

I would not get discouraged, honestly you seem to be open minded in terms of who you would date and an honestly good person, you just have trouble progressing and fear rejection. These are pretty common issues, but your head and heart are in the right place.

Also in terms of the whole college thing, I would not use it to judge, you are in college which is usually a good sign. Women look at potential in terms of responsibility. You would not have a strike against you in my book, especially since I know how long and hard it is to transition into adulthood.