Am I really THAT bad?

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Online: Match.com, OK Cupid.

I think being able to accomplish this in a constructive, well-documented way would be a HUGE help.

Being able to actually see yourself in that context might make the problem obvious even to an Aspie...

Maybe it's not you? I mean, maybe you're a bit off-kilter or something, but you need someone who's off-kilter in their own way? Someone who is not judgemental of other people's differences? Someone a bit tougher, and harder to scare off? Maybe it's just the wrong chicks. Plus - what kind of dates are you going on? I don't know about you but I find conventional dates dreadfully forced. But if I'm going out somewhere with the person doing something we enjoy, like hiking/bushwalking, or to an event or something, or even something a bit more casual like staying in and watching a DVD with popcorn, it eases things up a bit. I feel like an idiot sitting up like a poker at some restaurant trying to make small talk.

I would love to have a date with a girl in this matter - so I'm not forced to hide the true me as much or I'll just let it go. I think going to the movies or who everyone else traditionally takes women out on dates doesn't go to well for me.

I think taking a girl snowboarding - provided she has done it before would be an awesome date or going on a leisurely long but a good paced bike ride if she has a road bike would be awesome.

Last edited by nthach on 09 Dec 2010, 6:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I try to look for "off-kilter" when I read a profile, but they never seem to respond for some reason. I live near LA, so I usually pick a hip/funky coffee house in Hollywood or Silverlake (last night was Hollywood).

What better place to look for a "weirdo"?

I love hiking, which is pretty popular around here, but going to organized hikes to meet someone is a complete waste of time for someone like me. Also, I don't think saying "let's meet in a remote, isolated area" is a good idea for a first date made on the Internet.

I kind of like Alex's "Alpha-male eye for the Aspie guy" concept...

Women can tell when you are trying to hard

I think it is the women in your area. I live in Michigan and most of the men are a bunch of uneducated, sports obsessed alcholics. You seem to be very similar to me and I have had very little troubling meeting women, dating and establishing a good relationship with one over the past few years. Men like you and I are very rare where I live and women like the fact that I'm really different from the other men.

Actually, it's not a bad idea really. I'd do it to meet people on a platonic basis.

The problem isn't that there is anything wrong with you or you're "undatable" - Its a first impression thing. Someone with aspergers no matter how hard we try come off socially as "off" to normal people.

This is very true. Are you being up front with these women before you meet? Do they know you have AS? I would think it is better to disclose that up front so they know where you are coming from and why you may seem a little "off". If this is something that keeps her from wanting that first date then you just saved yourself some time and expense as things were never going to work out between you anyway,

I think the best thing to do is be open. You don't have to tell them about aspergers, but perhaps you could try to get to know women who seem more like yourself, and converse longer online before you meet? If you get to know each other better before you meet there is more chance of success. It's a niche targeting thing.

I understand this, but I can't simply resign myself to failure either.

Surely, there is something that can be done?

And there's no way I'm going to drop the "A-bomb" hoping for understanding.

Right now when the average person hears the word "autism" they don't really know what it means but they kind of thought it was another word for "ret*d".

Until someone takes the time to educate them. This is going to have to be done at some point don't you think? Your plan can't be to "fake" your way through a long-term relationship.

Even though I feel I'm aways way from dating - yet - I think disclosure is going to be painful but I know there's a way to disclose and not alienate the other party.

I'm not talking about "faking" it at all, which I couldn't do even if I wanted to. It's simply that the word "autism" is not understood very well at all.

I use language which is a little more descriptive, like "shy", "homebody", etc which is more correctly understood. Nobody I end up dating expects to see a "wild-man"...

Personally I mention my Asperger's Syndrome on my dating profile. An extract from my profile;

"I feel it is only fair I tell you now that I have Asperger's Syndrome. This means a few things. I'm very quiet when around two or more people, but when with just one person I can communicate normally (if admittedly a bit awkwardly when I first meet someone). It also means that you can find out very little from me by looking at me (I can look sad but actually be very content for example) and similarly I struggle to pick up subtle social cues - this means that if you've got something to say to me you should just say it (instead of bottling it up or trying to subtly insinuate it) as this will avoid any confusion for either of us. My condition also means that I am extremely loyal and very honest."

I don't mention autism, I try and shine a positive light on it at the end and my best friend says that she would be impressed by the honesty of a guy who is willing to admit something like that.

Question: would you actually want to date someone who isn't able to be understanding?

Has that scared anyone away though?