Why should I have self-esteem?

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I really have to disagree. I've been there, its not so much a lie as much as a reflection of how you've been treated, and that's where your subconscious BS detector typically comes in. I would suppose you could say that my initial argument could be nullified both ways - if some people are wired to think a certain way, society treats them much differently their whole lives, and they couldn't be any other way but depressed, I would have to equally say that people who have very high self esteem without lifting a finger or any achievement to back it up are a product of their inherent wiring just as much and deserve no scorn either. Other than that though, I won't give a special rib-kicking to those who feel negatively about things, for one it just reinforces what they already believe, and two - its going to take a miracle of comprehension for them to peel their way through the layers and sort the difference between what's good, what's bad, etc. I actually started a side thread about this very topic perhaps twenty minutes ago. When your brain isn't equipped for certain things and realization of constant pain is there, the brain errs on the side of safety and projects more negative on all unknowns rather than sticking the person out there for a more assured and acute punishment.

I don't think it is solely a function of the environment (low self esteem is the result of getting kicked in the ribs all your life) but also includes a innate character of the person. Some people feel like failures regardless of how charmed their lives have been, while others persevere regardless of the obstacles put in front of them.

I'm reminded of the old saying of "God doesn't give you a burden too heavy for you to lift" and also of the latest WSJ article on Chinese Mothers (this past weekend).

IF you have low self esteem, you need to understand (or try to at least) the root cause. Is it because you have failed miserably at all facets of your life (and are currently browsing WP on a library computer because the area under the overpass is too wet today) or do you have a negative outlook simply "because"?

If you have a job, a warm place to stay, the ability to keep and own pets then you're ahead of a good 50% of the world and you're not doing everything poorly. If you are simply struggling with finding personal connections and relations in the world... So is half the people out there.

Understand where your limits are, why you think/have those limits and what you can do to over come them. All too often people assume there's little they can do to rectify their problems where the majority of the time it's simply lack of trying.

Actually I have had above-average success in most other facets of my life, even by NT standards. In my case, I think it's more from getting my metaphorical ass kicked romantically.

The only relationship I ever had which I could describe as "good" and "long-term" (~2 years) happened about 15 years ago. I finally told her that I loved her right near the end, she replied "mmmm...yyyyyou too...).

She didn't.

I was a sort of "Kennedy just got shot" moment, I thought that if any woman in the world would love me, it would be her - and she didn't.

After that, I kind of assumed that no woman would ever love me so I ought to focus on being able to give them something else to compensate for it (green card, money, etc)

I know it's irrational but I just can't figure out how to see it a different way.

But in theory, the right woman for you would find the above very interesting, and it should, if anything, help make up her mind that you are her kind of guy... Maybe this is the issue? Just need to find that one that works for your personality and hobbies?

My wife is one of the few people who actually enjoys my long-winded rants about topics.

Exactly. When my bf and I first met, he went on for hours about music theory (which I knew nothing about but found very interesting) and chemical compounds (I was a chemistry major a long time ago), then we started talking about STAR TREK (we've both been fans forever).

It really helps when two people have common interests.

Do you think you may have "low self esteem" in only one area - romance? And if so, does it really qualify as low self esteem of the person as a whole?

If a person is successful in multiple facets of their life, but simply unable/incapable of being successful today, I would posit it's not an issue of self-esteem but merely knowing and understanding your own limitations.

E.g. I am not going to be wildly successful as the outgoing "player" (over the longer term I guess) but can hold my own in small gatherings (or larger gatherings for an even shorter duration). I don't "think" it's self-esteem, just an understanding that I am innately uncomfortable and not going to be as successful as someone who derives a huge amount of personal satisfaction as a flaming extrovert.



Seems fine to me. If you can't offer the complete package, you compensate (who doesn't?), and you focus on what you can offer (e.g. financial security) versus what is difficult or impossible.

But if we change the question to "How can I increase my self-esteem/confidence regarding emotional and personal relationships?" I would only suggest small steps basing the next one(s) on the success of the past. Knowing that you/we may be unable to reach the top but that it's sufficient to simply improve.

First of all, thanks so much for taking the time to answer

Everything you say makes total sense, but I seem to be struggling to figure out where I fit in in the whole romantic scheme of things and what to do next.

Initially, I did all the things I had control over to improve my appearance, not so much to make me more attractive, but to make me *feel* more attractive. I worked at it pretty consistently and I'm pretty much where I want to be in this regard.

Next, I "put myself out there", which in my case was online, and I'm working on figuring out how to do it in a more conventional way too (I've started another thread on the subject so I won't go into it here.

I have gotten reasonably good at attracting initial interest, but then I seem to hit a wall, it just never goes very far once someone sees the real me for any length of time.

I think I need to figure out what my "type" is, but so far all I've been able to do is figure out who my type isn't.

I could really use a dose of "dumb luck" at this point, otherwise it seems like I'm just beating my head against the wall...