why is it we as Aspies have such a hard time getting dates?

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@Puppygnu:

I don't know if I can agree with #15 in your post. I think the problem that we have trying to be friends is that if we try what you said, we'll never be more than...friends. Think of all the socially awkward characters who NEVER get the girl in Brat Pack movies. That's us. Happened to me so many times before I ended up with #1 (who, as I've said, broke my heart). I was always the neutered, non-threatening, awkward little creature they could come to with their problems. I was their "friend." On the phone with them every night? Maybe so, but that was nothing more than them pissing and moaning about other guys, and there was no way for me to start screaming "but I'm not taken!" whenever they started in. I was a "friend." A neutered, cut-dog "friend." #1 and I worked, such as it was, for three years only because there wasn't any pretense of being "just friends" ever. It was naked sexual aggression on her part from the outset. We got to be each other's firsts because she, a VERY shy and awkward person (to the point where she's usually incapable of speaking to strangers), dispensed with the "let's be friends" bit from the outset. When she finally said "I know I can trust you, so let's (you know what)," I was amenable. Further to that, I don't think I've ever had a better feeling than waking up in #1's arms, and I've been around the block a few times. I also don't like being touched. She's an exception.

The point is this: I don't necessarily advise being really aggressive, but I wouldn't advise against asking a girl out on a date. What's the worst that can happen? She'll say no? You've probably been rejected by women before. You will no doubt be rejected by women again. Once it happens enough it will roll off your back like water off a duck. You can harden yourself to it.

The other thing that recommends dating is that you get to avoid group situations, which I know are stressful to most of us. You get to know a person one-on-one, which is usually more our speed. I know that with Julia (whose name I will speak because we never did anything), it was really refreshing to get back from school, call her up, say I wanted to take her out to the movies, and then just be alone with her for several hours dealing with the question of "what makes her tick"? Can't say I figured it out...can say that I did have a really good time, and that ALONE is better than nothing and would NEVER have happened had she and I tried to be "friends," or, God forbid, had any of her friends been around. Remember, I was always the "quiet one." No one would ever lust after the likes of me if anyone else was around.

This is probably WTMI and, as the kids say, tl; dr.

Regarding the list of suggestions:

Do you know how hard it is to follow most of those for me? My hygiene is O.K. now (wasn't for a while because of schizoaffective disorder), but it's like acting for me to follow most of those.

As I said in on the intro page, I talk about things like sex way too fast. I'm like Howard Stern inthat way.

We don't know how to take hints. And, at least for me, I have a hard time discussing anything of a really personal nature even with people I'm close with, much less with someone I'm not yet close with. I have managed to do it a few times in my life and I've come to the realization that I need a woman who lets me know where things stand explicitly or I'm left floundering and unsure of things.

I agree with vetwithAS I need someone to be direct with me (everyone actually), I can't understand vagueness or social agenda's at all. I was married for 23 year and spent most of that time trying to figure out and understand what was going on around me, only recently came to my realization about my having AS.

I agree, I'm the same. I think flirting and all that is just too complicated, why not just tell someone how you feel about them? It seems much simpler to me, for both people involved.

To sense or to accurately gauge the space is a significant impairment. One can come across as a bubble off here.

I feel somewhat more sorry for Aspie men for a few reasons: Culturally you're forced into an unnatural role to ask; AS females seem better able to "mask in there for normalcy."

Statistically, these unions are close to "doomed" when married to NT's- ( given the divorce rates). I've read many times how "woman were seemingly bamboozled" by unwitting NT/ Asperger unions - diagnoses comes thru child; moaning and groaning follows.

I've seen a message board set up for " Spotting a potential Asperger man,"(so to speak) to ward off the unwary. And there is plenty of discord "here" on ocassion, when a disgruntled spouse pokes her nose in these forums.

On average it's a difficult yoke .

Aspie to Aspie or to "other diverse" would seem more natural here.

Overall sounds like some good advice, well Im not an AS guy, Im questioning these 2 outta curiosity? Ok if your taking a young kid around, dont most women assume thats your kid? That might be a turn off.
As for 14, Im not an NT female, speaking as a female, some girls might guide u thru the process to asking her out but a lot dont. Some women are shy, some women will take a very passive role. Some women will think that you as the guy is expected to go after her. As an aspie female, I probably do a terribly job at leading a guy thru the process in asking me out.

I should clarify number 15. In my opinion, there is no such thing as just friends. If she goes to a park with you, goes for a walk with you, or does anything with you, then it is a date. She may not kiss you, talk romantic, or hold your hand. It is still a date. She would not spend time with you, if she did not like you.

I would not waste time listening to girls talk about their current boyfriend or trying to help her solve her problems. Let someone else solve her problems. Let her vent her problems to her girlfriends or her boyfriend. I would spend time being playful with girls. This could include video games, playing catch, throwing rocks in a pond, it does not matter.

I know lots of ladies at work who have married guys who are on the spectrum. They come right out and say, "I love my husband because he is a nerd." "He is so cute because he is a nerd." "I love my husband because he is autistic."

Never believe that you are less because you are autistic. If you are kind, employed, and have not spent time in prison, then lots of ladies will be interested in you.

I agree that that following these suggestions are not easy to follow. However, my suggestions work.

I would work hard at having the best possible hygiene. I would plan to spend nearly an hour a day to maintain your appearance. Make certain that you shave, shower, wash hair, do you nails, iron your clothing, brush and floss your teeth, etc. She will notice your attention to detail. By the way, do not wear overpowering deodorant or aftershave. If you have an NT relative who is a lady, she can give you some good pointers on your hygiene.

Send my a personal message if you want advice on how to dress.

Numerous formal and informal studies confirm that taking a little kids around is a good way to meet girls. This is very consistent with my personal experience. Girls love guys who are nurturing. There is nothing more nonthreatening than a guy with a two year old. She will figure out in no time flat that the kid is not yours. Girls will approach you when you have a kid with you. Just tell her that you like to spend time with your little cousin.

Some girls are shy. However, the vast majority of girls will overcome their shyness to make it easy for a guy to ask her out. Remember, that the guy is not asking the girl out on a date. The guy is asking her if she would like to go for a walk in the park, share a coffee at Starbucks, or do whatever. Girls are so much more socially skilled than guys, that they have to walk the guy through the steps many times.

This may sound cruel. However, a guy should never invest much energy in a girl who is shy around him. With the same amount of energy, you could find three other girls who are not shy.

You do know this is a forum for aspies right, not NTs?

I am the type of person who loves seeing and meeting a diversity of people. If we were all the same, life would be so dull.

As for the guy that asked about a dating service for aspies, there's www.gk2gk.com. It's for geeks, nerds, dorks, etc. so there are probably lots of aspies on there, and lots of other odd ducks of various types besides. I'm using that one and OKCupid right now.

My theory on why aspies have a hard time dating has to do with how NTs date. Most NTs seem to meet in rather random ways. they aren't exactly "looking" for a girl/guy. They just bump into each other when they both happen to be in the right mood and start talking. It's a question of just being in the right place at the right time. It may be improbable for this to happen on any given day, but if you socialize often enough, the law of averages comes into play and you're bound to get lucky once (if you pick a single number in roulette, you'll be right about once every 31 spins if you play long enough). We aspies don't socialize as much, even when we're physically around people, so the odds go down drastically. If you're an aspie, you may have the same 1/31 chance but only spin the wheel 6 times in a week, instead of 60. Like so many other things in the universe, it seems to come down to probabilities. It's more likely, however, that in addition to being in fewer situations, your odds are lower than NT odds to begin with. We can improve our social skills and put ourselves in more situations, but the reality is that most of us, myself included, are only willing to do so much before it is no longer worthwhile.

I think that dating is very stressful and awkward and best avoided. I've been in two long term relationships and I've never been on a date -- the relationship just evolved from us knowing each other.

My standards are rock bottom

-Alive and Breathing
-Looks more attractive than a walrus

and i still cant get any action.

Yes,I agree. I know I am terrible at flirting .Flirting seems to be a lot about game playing [I like you ,no I don't ] and I have never understood the dynamics of it .Most women aren't going to be direct and honest about how they feel towards you unless you reveal your feelings first [no small task for an Aspie male ].