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MotherKnowsBest
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14 Jan 2011, 12:33 pm

My advice is along the same lines as Halebopp. If you want to be with him, you have to tell him clearly that this is the case. Hints and vagueness will not do it. You need to be upfront and tell him that you want to be with him and ask him directly if he wants to be with you. It sounds to me like you waiting for him to make a move. That isn't going to happen because he thinks the relationship is over, that it's his fault and he doesn't know why. The only 'safe' course of action for him is to retreat. He's doing exactly what I would do in a similar situation.



hale_bopp
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14 Jan 2011, 4:10 pm

I don't agree with people saying "don't try to get him back". Not enough people do this. if you want him back, try to get him back, and stop buggering around about it. Tell him you never wanted to break up. Explain what you meant by what you said. Tell him what you said here, instead of complicating things by looking for answers from people here. Speak from your heart. If you love him, tell him. If you want to be with him, tell him.

Take the bull by the horns and try and make what you want happen. By the sounds of it he never wanted to break up with you either. So what the heck is the problem here?

Stop making complicated problems about peoples feelings. Just do it.



blondieamc
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14 Jan 2011, 5:14 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I don't agree with people saying "don't try to get him back". Not enough people do this. if you want him back, try to get him back, and stop buggering around about it. Tell him you never wanted to break up. Explain what you meant by what you said. Tell him what you said here, instead of complicating things by looking for answers from people here. Speak from your heart. If you love him, tell him. If you want to be with him, tell him.

Take the bull by the horns and try and make what you want happen. By the sounds of it he never wanted to break up with you either. So what the heck is the problem here?

Stop making complicated problems about peoples feelings. Just do it.


I am going to take your advice:) I don't have anything to lose. Thanks. I will keep you posted.



Dilbert
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14 Jan 2011, 5:53 pm

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

It's been said. Tak to him and tell him how you feel. Point blank. No doublespeak.



hale_bopp
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14 Jan 2011, 5:56 pm

I really hope it works out for you. Don't deny what you want.. if it doesn't work then at least you can say "I did everything in my power to try" and there will be no what ifs.

Good luck.



Zur-Darkstar
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14 Jan 2011, 7:10 pm

blondieamc wrote:
Zur-Darkstar,
I said all of those things to him in the first few days that we broke up. I even told him that I was going to bring him dinner so that we could talk and he told me not to come over and that was bordering on psycho so I did not go.I think he needed time to be by himself and that all of this was too overwhelming for him in those first few days. Do you think it was too soon for me to try and get back together with him during those first few days and do you think he might be more responsive to an apology now?We have had several email exchanges since then and they were pleasant but he never has said that he would like to see me. We have not had contact in a few weeks. I agree that it would be easier to walk away and I know that I could find someone else but finding someone else is not really a goal of mine. I was single for 4 years before I met him and it did not really bother me. I am fine on my own. I just fell in love with him right away and he did too. We never even had an argument before that night and that night was not really an argument.


Again, the easiest path isn't necessarily right. What I imagine you are fighting is his defensive mechanism. When he's afraid of being hurt he turtles up. It probably was too soon in those first few days, but either way, you let him push you away. If you want this guy, you have to go after him and push through those defenses. It will still not be easy to break through, but if you want to know how he really feels about you and the situation, you'll have to fight through that.

Like hale_bopp said, don't bugger around about it. Come straight to the point. Tell him you were wrong again, and tell him that you want to be with him and you're still in love and you think the two of you should be together, and press him to tell you WHY he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Then it's not about you and he has to actually say that he doesn't want to be with you and state why. That puts the responsibility on him. In a way, it's very cruel because whatever he chooses, the experience will be extremely painful for him. However, your only chance, IMHO, is to make him face his feelings directly. Don't let him half answer or dodge or throw a lot of reasons at you. He may have a very good rational argument for pushing you away, so be prepared to confront those and challenge his assumptions and conclusions. You can do this slowly over several days or weeks, or try to push through all at once, so he can't just stop talking to you.

Here is my disclaimer. I'm basing my advice on this assumption. He's acting out of hurt, fear of being hurt further, and lack of confidence, rather than actual anger or dislike for you. That's what the "I shouldn't be allowed to date" says to me. He's blaming himself or his condition for messing it up, and he thinks that on some level you don't want him anymore. If you make it perfectly crystal clear that this belief is incorrect, you'll force him to decide whether he wants to be with you or not, and you'll have your answer one way or the other. If this assumption is incorrect, then none of my advice has much meaning. If he really has decided that he's not interested in you, then there's nothing I could tell you that would help. I really don't think that's what's going on.

Please let me know how this turns out, in PM if you don't want to post publicly. I have a hunch I know what's going on with this guy, and I'd be curious to see how close to correct I was.



blondieamc
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14 Jan 2011, 11:07 pm

Zur-Darkstar wrote:
blondieamc wrote:
Zur-Darkstar,
I said all of those things to him in the first few days that we broke up. I even told him that I was going to bring him dinner so that we could talk and he told me not to come over and that was bordering on psycho so I did not go.I think he needed time to be by himself and that all of this was too overwhelming for him in those first few days. Do you think it was too soon for me to try and get back together with him during those first few days and do you think he might be more responsive to an apology now?We have had several email exchanges since then and they were pleasant but he never has said that he would like to see me. We have not had contact in a few weeks. I agree that it would be easier to walk away and I know that I could find someone else but finding someone else is not really a goal of mine. I was single for 4 years before I met him and it did not really bother me. I am fine on my own. I just fell in love with him right away and he did too. We never even had an argument before that night and that night was not really an argument.


Again, the easiest path isn't necessarily right. What I imagine you are fighting is his defensive mechanism. When he's afraid of being hurt he turtles up. It probably was too soon in those first few days, but either way, you let him push you away. If you want this guy, you have to go after him and push through those defenses. It will still not be easy to break through, but if you want to know how he really feels about you and the situation, you'll have to fight through that.

Like hale_bopp said, don't bugger around about it. Come straight to the point. Tell him you were wrong again, and tell him that you want to be with him and you're still in love and you think the two of you should be together, and press him to tell you WHY he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Then it's not about you and he has to actually say that he doesn't want to be with you and state why. That puts the responsibility on him. In a way, it's very cruel because whatever he chooses, the experience will be extremely painful for him. However, your only chance, IMHO, is to make him face his feelings directly. Don't let him half answer or dodge or throw a lot of reasons at you. He may have a very good rational argument for pushing you away, so be prepared to confront those and challenge his assumptions and conclusions. You can do this slowly over several days or weeks, or try to push through all at once, so he can't just stop talking to you.

Here is my disclaimer. I'm basing my advice on this assumption. He's acting out of hurt, fear of being hurt further, and lack of confidence, rather than actual anger or dislike for you. That's what the "I shouldn't be allowed to date" says to me. He's blaming himself or his condition for messing it up, and he thinks that on some level you don't want him anymore. If you make it perfectly crystal clear that this belief is incorrect, you'll force him to decide whether he wants to be with you or not, and you'll have your answer one way or the other. If this assumption is incorrect, then none of my advice has much meaning. If he really has decided that he's not interested in you, then there's nothing I could tell you that would help. I really don't think that's what's going on.

Please let me know how this turns out, in PM if you don't want to post publicly. I have a hunch I know what's going on with this guy, and I'd be curious to see how close to correct I was.



I just sent you a PM asking for some advice before I send the email.



Wombat
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14 Jan 2011, 11:07 pm

blondieamc wrote:
I just used the word "girl" because I was tired and it was late. My question to you is do you think people with aspergers are mentally disturbed? All of the literature I have read indicates it is a neurological disorder that is sometimes accompanied by mental disorders but there is no research that indicates that people with aspergers suffer more from mental disorders than the NT population. And by the way he is a caring man and that is why I am upset about the break up. I do wonder if there are a lot of other problems going on with him that he was able to disguise during the time we were together. I am also concerned that my contacting him will only upset him more and that is the last thing I want to do.


Of course Aspies are mentally disturbed or at least different. That is what Neurotypical means. Normal as opposed to well, something not normal.

We vary from a little odd (Think Bill Gates) to Rain Man.

If you really want to win him over then I know that you can do it. It is not like you have any competition.

Go softly and gently as if you were trying to tame a horse or make friends with a deer.

I really wish you luck for both your sakes.



blondieamc
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22 Jan 2011, 8:15 pm

I wanted to take a moment to update everyone on the situation and thank you for your advice and comments. I sent the email telling him I loved him and that I wanted to try and work things out. His response was that he was sorry that he could not move past that night and the fact that I had doubted our relationship. He said he was having a hard time remembering any of the good times we had and that even though he knew I did not mean what I said he could not stop thinking about it and whenever he thought about me it ended with that night. I am glad I took everyone's advice and made the effort. I'm glad that I met him and I'm glad I fell in love again even if it was only for a short time. I believe everything happens for a reason and at least now I have some closure. Hopefully there will come a day that he will reach out to me so that we can establish some type of friendship but if he can't ever do that then my wish is that he finds happiness somewhere. Thank you for all of your advice and encouragement. This forum gave me a lot of insight and support during a very difficult time. Thanks again:)