The wonderful world of online dating

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Joined: 28 Nov 2010
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22 Jan 2011, 9:43 am

I actually just started OKCupid a few weeks ago and I'm already talking to someone there. What were you expecting? It takes time and effort regardless of whether you try to meet women on or offline. Furthermore, being aspies, we should expect to take longer and work harder at it than NTs would, because it's not something our natural instincts are all that suited for. Keep a positive attitude and be confident.

I also disclose my Asperger's, so that's three. I'm pretty honest and upfront about who I am and what I want. It's a screening tool. I could walk up and start conversations with random people, but if I can get some idea what the person is like, I can avoid wasting time on people that I am totally wrong for. If a girl doesn't like that I have Asperger's, or that I'm introverted and not very social, she can click the next profile. For me, it's a question of efficiency. I have only so much time and energy to spend on socializing and I'd better be efficient about using it. I feel like I'm more likely to meet other shy, introverted people on those sites than in public places or randomly in my day to day interactions.

To the poster that got responses by making his profile as crazy as possible, consider the old marketing adage that "there's no such thing as bad publicity". It means that anything that draws attention to you is good. In those sites, there are so many profiles that look exactly the same, the key is to make yours different on purpose. Ultimately, if you go on and get involved with someone, it won't matter what silly thing you said to make her notice you.

richardbenson
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22 Jan 2011, 7:06 pm

Naturally i dont have a dating profile because then who would you date? all the women would flock to me. :wink:

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murphycop
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22 Jan 2011, 7:15 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:

I think i meant "out" aspies. I checked it out, i remember there used to be lots of quizzes there. I'm not sure what to make of it now, but the front page is pretty nice.

The best thing is typing in keywords, you could type aspergers, and you'll probably get some aspies come up.

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Major_G
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22 Jan 2011, 8:47 pm

I've been on OKCupid for about 6 years and have only ever gotten 1 date from there. Then again, that's still 1 more than I've gotten from most other sites.

Yensid
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23 Jan 2011, 1:01 am

ShadesOfMe wrote:

Does anyone else feel embarrassed to be looking for dates on dating sites?

Does anybody not feel embarrassed? (Other than the con men, players, and the like)

Yensid
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23 Jan 2011, 1:18 am

Major_G wrote:

I've been on OKCupid for about 6 years and have only ever gotten 1 date from there. Then again, that's still 1 more than I've gotten from most other sites.

Have you gotten any non-date type responses?

I'm thinking about changing my profile completely, to be less about trying to attract a date and more about just meeting interesting people to talk to. I really just need to expand my social circle. What people are saying about publicly admitting to AS sounds like a good idea.

Moog
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23 Jan 2011, 6:24 am

Yensid wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

Does anyone else feel embarrassed to be looking for dates on dating sites?

Does anybody not feel embarrassed? (Other than the con men, players, and the like)

No. It seems to be perfectly socially acceptable these days.

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Kaybee
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23 Jan 2011, 7:28 am

Moog wrote:

Yensid wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

Does anyone else feel embarrassed to be looking for dates on dating sites?

Does anybody not feel embarrassed? (Other than the con men, players, and the like)

No. It seems to be perfectly socially acceptable these days.

Agreed. Even non-internet people are taking to it.

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Yensid
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23 Jan 2011, 9:10 am

Moog wrote:

Yensid wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

Does anyone else feel embarrassed to be looking for dates on dating sites?

Does anybody not feel embarrassed? (Other than the con men, players, and the like)

No. It seems to be perfectly socially acceptable these days.

That's good to hear. I may be a bit behind the times in that regard. Or maybe it's because everything involving dating is somewhat embarrassing to me.

HopefulRomantic
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23 Jan 2011, 11:16 am

Yensid wrote:

I've been experimenting a bit with online dating, and it has been a horrible experience.

I have not attempted to date for about 20 years. Before that, I made an occasional, futile attempt. I thought that I would try online dating, on the assumption that I had nothing to lose.

For a brief time, I had a feeling of hope, but as hope has started to fade, I think that hope is the cruelest emotion, because when hope fades, there is only pain remaining.

I knew that the odds were against me, but I found that they were worse than I had expected. The dating sites are infested with scammers, vile, heartless creatures. Their only virtue is that they are so obvious. If they were more subtle, they could really hurt.

Not only do men outnumber the women -- that much I expected and was willing to deal with- -- but a lot of the men are "serial daters", going from target to target, looking for easy prey. I had not expected that sort of competition.

Furthermore, a large number of the accounts seem to be inactive. I suspect that this is because it is free to create a profile, but costs money to receive or send email. Whatever the reason, most of my messages go unread. A polite refusal would be much more preferable.

I grow tired of the cookie-cutter profiles that I see. All the women want the same thing, and it is not me.

I loathe the way that so many of the women's requirements are so unrealistically high.

At the other extreme, so many women set no requirements, and you know that they are not that open minded; nobody is.

I am tired of my profile, which though honest is carefully crafted to hide my differences with the NTs. I detest the misdirection. I think that my last act of defiance will be to post a completely candid profile, hiding nothing.

Yensid,

I think your idea of posting a candid is the way to go. The upside of the Internet is that it enables one to reach a vast population of people you would otherwise never encounter in life. My chosen approach in the arena of Internet dating is to be as candid as possible -
honesty is the best policy!

Those who lie on their Internet profiles (writeup and fake/old pictures) are going to have a lot of backpeddling to do if they want to meet people in real life from the Internet. The truth always comes out - sooner or later!

Please be proud of who and what you are!! !!

Grisha revealed his AS on his OKCupid profile and he has good luck!

Please keep up posted! Go Get 'Em Tiger!

LL

Major_G
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23 Jan 2011, 11:55 am

Yensid wrote:

Major_G wrote:

I've been on OKCupid for about 6 years and have only ever gotten 1 date from there. Then again, that's still 1 more than I've gotten from most other sites.

I've gotten a couple of people that responded back, but I guess I wasn't their type because it didn't really go anywhere after a couple of messages.

ToadOfSteel
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23 Jan 2011, 12:55 pm

Zur-Darkstar wrote:

I can deal with outing my aspergers on a dating site, but the big problem i have is that my online identity is separate from my real life identity. I post things on here that otherwise I would only confide in with a very close friend or a significant other. I don't go around in the real world talking about how unlovable I am; I come here to do that. I am much more open online than in the real world because online friends don't know who I am in real life. I don't ever display my picture online (except on my facebook, which I only have real life friends on), nor my real name. So I'm having trouble with making that kind of a move on my OKCupid profile. Subsequently, I don't get any messages (because, seriously, who wants to message the guy with no picture?)

greenturtle74
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23 Jan 2011, 7:36 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

I know what you mean, and I was the same way at first. One thing you could do is use a shot of yourself from a distance. Your face won't be clearly visible, but at least it will be a picture. Or wear sunglasses, although people will wonder what you're hiding.

For my first profile picture, I chose one that looks very different from myself in everyday life; i.e. I had a huge goofy smile. :lol:

Ironically, that was actually more representative of the "real me."

But as time has gone on, I just don't worry that much about being recognized. What's the worst that could happen? I care more about being real, and if someone from real life has a problem with that, it's their problem.

Yensid
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23 Jan 2011, 10:14 pm

HopefulRomantic wrote:

I think your idea of posting a candid is the way to go. The upside of the Internet is that it enables one to reach a vast population of people you would otherwise never encounter in life. My chosen approach in the arena of Internet dating is to be as candid as possible -
honesty is the best policy!

Those who lie on their Internet profiles (writeup and fake/old pictures) are going to have a lot of backpeddling to do if they want to meet people in real life from the Internet. The truth always comes out - sooner or later!

Please be proud of who and what you are!! !!

Grisha revealed his AS on his OKCupid profile and he has good luck!

Please keep up posted! Go Get 'Em Tiger!

LL

LL,

Thanks for your encouragement. I need to back off and regroup and rethink a little bit, and then I'll be ready to make another attempt. From what I'm hearing, though, I think that revealing my AS is the best thing to do. If I do have any success, be assured that you will hear about it. (Everybody will :-)

Yensid
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23 Jan 2011, 11:26 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

I know what you mean. I don't like posting my picture, but I do, because a lack of a picture looks like you have something to hide. For various reasons, my chances of coming across someone that I know in real life are relatively high. So I compromise, and hold back key elements. Right now, I need to make some real decisions about how much to reveal, how embarrassed I would be if it got out, and what are the chances of it getting out. I'm leaning towards revealing more, rather than less, because its better to be ignored for what you are than to hide behind a facade.

ShadesOfMe
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24 Jan 2011, 1:20 am

murphycop wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

I think i meant "out" aspies. I checked it out, i remember there used to be lots of quizzes there. I'm not sure what to make of it now, but the front page is pretty nice.

The best thing is typing in keywords, you could type aspergers, and you'll probably get some aspies come up.

Not much on the search of asperger's but aspies yes.

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