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Messaging on a dating site: what to say in the intro?

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Jono
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29 Jan 2011, 3:50 pm

Quartz11 wrote:
So I've been around on OK Cupid now for a few weeks. With the help of someone, I sent a message to a gal I thought was interesting. We ended up talking, meeting, and things have been alright for a few weeks. But I just see her as a friend.

So now I've been messaging more gals out there, and obviously I'm not doing something right since I don't get replies in return.

So, what is it you are supposed to say during the first message? Is there some sort of standard I should be following to not sound like an idiot?


I've had this problem when I started OKCupid as well. I'm happy to say now that I have a technique that gets you replies to initial messages more often than not. What I do is read her profile in detail. Then look for something in her profile that isn't explained in detail, or something that you can ask a question about. In your first message, ask her that question as a question is what invites a reply. One problem I found with this technique though is that often it gets you a reply to your first message but the conversation stops there and she doesn't reply to any further messages. However, you can also tell if they interested. If they reply by simply answering your question and saying anything further then that's usually an indicator they're not interested and you're unlikely to get any more responses out of them, although in that case I still think you should follow it up, just in case. If their reply gives you an answer to their question as well as asking you a question back ( the most common one being "How about you?"), then that's an indicator of interest and you know that you're going to have a long conversation with them. In fact, as soon as they ask a question back, you already have a dialog going even if only happens in their second response.



Jono
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29 Jan 2011, 3:51 pm

Moog wrote:
Grisha wrote:
I usually start with a very brief attempt at saying something witty about their profile, then get more in-depth if there's a reponse. It's worked OK for me so far...


Moog likes this. :thumleft:


Grisha's approach is what I was talking about as well, albeit described more briefly.



Volodja
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29 Jan 2011, 3:53 pm

Grisha wrote:
I usually start with a very brief attempt at saying something witty about their profile, then get more in-depth if there's a reponse. It's worked OK for me so far...


This sounds good to me

All I would say is

1. don't make it too long - most won't want an essay
2. make it personal - don't just send generic messages that could be to any woman on there
3. try any hit common grounf - mention also liking something they've got in their profile, ie music, hobbies etc



Quartz11
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30 Jan 2011, 8:19 am

Jono wrote:
Quartz11 wrote:
So I've been around on OK Cupid now for a few weeks. With the help of someone, I sent a message to a gal I thought was interesting. We ended up talking, meeting, and things have been alright for a few weeks. But I just see her as a friend.

So now I've been messaging more gals out there, and obviously I'm not doing something right since I don't get replies in return.

So, what is it you are supposed to say during the first message? Is there some sort of standard I should be following to not sound like an idiot?


I've had this problem when I started OKCupid as well. I'm happy to say now that I have a technique that gets you replies to initial messages more often than not. What I do is read her profile in detail. Then look for something in her profile that isn't explained in detail, or something that you can ask a question about. In your first message, ask her that question as a question is what invites a reply. One problem I found with this technique though is that often it gets you a reply to your first message but the conversation stops there and she doesn't reply to any further messages. However, you can also tell if they interested. If they reply by simply answering your question and saying anything further then that's usually an indicator they're not interested and you're unlikely to get any more responses out of them, although in that case I still think you should follow it up, just in case. If their reply gives you an answer to their question as well as asking you a question back ( the most common one being "How about you?"), then that's an indicator of interest and you know that you're going to have a long conversation with them. In fact, as soon as they ask a question back, you already have a dialog going even if only happens in their second response.


So what I had done yesterday was seen a gal - and sent her a message asking if her username was taken from a Hendrix song. Then mentioned how a friend of mine and I were discussing how nice it would be to have been able to see Hendrix, and how much would you pay to do that now.

I got a reply to that sometime overnight, but it wasn't really much.

Quote:
Haha yeah I'd definitely empty my bank account and then some to see Hendrix live


I guess that puts her in the barely interested category. It feels like I should say something again, but what?



Moog
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30 Jan 2011, 9:30 am

I find that just saying something like "Hey, I also really appreciate the work of puff daddy, I think he's crazy awesome." or whatever doesn't usually really lead into anything. I think you have to connect up what a person likes with what that means, and what it may mean between the two of you.


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Quartz11
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30 Jan 2011, 9:38 am

So I'm just assuming that means nothing, and probably best wise to move on? I have no other ideas.



Jono
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30 Jan 2011, 10:30 am

Quartz11 wrote:
So I'm just assuming that means nothing, and probably best wise to move on? I have no other ideas.


Well at least her reply indicates that she might have a common interest. I suppose you could follow it up with talking about what kind of songs of his you like and possibly ask her which of his songs she likes, but don't expect anything.



wefunction
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30 Jan 2011, 12:56 pm

Quartz11 wrote:
So I'm just assuming that means nothing, and probably best wise to move on? I have no other ideas.


Ball's back in your court. You've got to continue the discussion and keep her interest. That's not your forte so it's a little difficult but that's what's happening here.



Quartz11
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30 Jan 2011, 1:24 pm

Especially since she gave me like nothing to work with here.



Jono
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30 Jan 2011, 4:17 pm

Quartz11 wrote:
Especially since she gave me like nothing to work with here.


If she doesn't say anything that could help further the conversation then that does make it more difficult to follow it up. Although I did suggest following it up by asker which Hendrix songs she likes or something. That's the only thing I can think of right now. But with that kind of response, wouldn't expect any more replies, it may not go anywhere.



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31 Jan 2011, 8:56 pm

So let's see here...

Hendrix fan - no second reply
Gal in the rich town - nothing (damn, she had nice blue eyes too)
Zombies gal - nothing
Goofball gal - nothing

Yep, this sucks. Keeping on pressing on.



Jaejoongfangirl
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31 Jan 2011, 9:12 pm

When I had an account, I tended to reply to the messages that were brief, friendly and easy to write a reply to.

Ask 1 question that she will enjoy to replying to and/or that will be very easy for her to reply to. In other words, preferably, a question that doesn't require a long or well thought out answer. They are easy to reply to so why not just reply? That was my thinking, at least. Maybe other girls are similar. Also, humor is good.

Once you get the very first reply then you can ask her questions and talk about things that take more effort/space to answer. You just want to make the first reply easy for her, y'know?



Grisha
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31 Jan 2011, 9:14 pm

Quartz11 wrote:
So let's see here...

Hendrix fan - no second reply
Gal in the rich town - nothing (damn, she had nice blue eyes too)
Zombies gal - nothing
Goofball gal - nothing

Yep, this sucks. Keeping on pressing on.


Sounds like my autobiography - at least you're not alone... :)



Mark198423
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07 Feb 2011, 7:17 am

How do you end the message? This is probably the most difficult part for me, how do you close off the message and say bye?



Moog
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07 Feb 2011, 7:47 am

Mark198423 wrote:
How do you end the message? This is probably the most difficult part for me, how do you close off the message and say bye?


I usually just go with my standards; 'be well', or 'take care'

maybe you'd like to go for, 'hope to hear from you', or 'talk soon', or 'was great/nice/terrible talking to you'.


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Quartz11
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07 Feb 2011, 8:57 pm

Yeah, I'm having little luck with this still.

It's getting disappointing, but I press onward anyway.