Is this guy Aspie or just deliberately being nasty?

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He's an aspie alright but a very rude and inconsiderate human being as well. Asperger's is NEVER an excuse to be a BITTER prick. If he's lucky, the next person who attacks him will rip his insulting tongue out and stand there waiting for his reaction. You deserve better. He's a liability.

It doesn't have to be either or. He seems to be in pain, he has serious issues that are not 100% his fault. You don't have to brand him as a bad person to dump him. If you like being with him be with him, but don't expect him to change.

Intentions are not simple, people sort of have multiple personalities, and they can be mean on purpose even though they do not consciously realize why. From what you have wrote obviously he is very bitter and has suffered a great deal. You have to look out for you though. If you actually take him seriously when he says you are too sensitive then he does not sound good for you. You have to learn to ignore the stupid things he says or you will wear yourself down.

He does sound like he cares about you if he does so much stuff for you, he just does not know how to love. It's not your obligation to be with someone just because they do favors for you though.

Dude sounds like a grad A asshat I would kick him to the curb and be done with him. The way he treats you is disgusting and not right you deserve better.

He sounds like he could definitely be an aspie. If you can tolerate him enough to be in a relationship with him, and are interested, go for it.

It's amazing how different the emotional development levels of aspies are, and the level of understanding of other people, depending on their particular biochemistry as well as how they are raised. It seems that both being treated as very special as a kid, and being treated as awfully broken as a kid, or both by different people, can interfere with empathy and with understanding other's emotions, beyond the simple fact of AS.

When I was a kid, insults from other kids didn't bother me because I derived my self-esteem from other things, and/or didn't consider it important what they felt about me. I remember very distinctly my parents and teachers saying at times that certain insults "should" bother me, when they didn't. I think that's rather common among aspies, putting lots of self-esteem "eggs" in certain very specific "baskets" and none in others. I'm finding it's especially common in males vs. females, which people seem to tell me is due to the criteria for female self-esteem being more constrained by the society.

In any case, no I don't think he is doing anything intentionally, but there seem to be lots of things about people he doesn't understand (I'm the same way), and you may just not be compatible people for that reason.

Doesn't that kind of rule out romantic relationships? It may be tempting to try and 'fix' this guy but I think you're gonna be banging your head against a wall forever.

The comments are rude but I dunno.. maybe in his head he thinks he's being funny?



Kind of sweet. I think he does care about you, but he's determined to shoot himself in the foot everytime he realises. I still wouldn't recommend him as 'relationship' material- but maybe if he was willing to go through therapy there may be some hope (I know I'm contradicting myself here... basically, let someone else 'fix' him and get on with your own life and be a friend in the meantime...)

Just being friends for now is a possibility... I would not say it has progressed to anything romantic as such, anyway.
We go round one another's places every evening usually, and eat, watch a movie, talk.
Sometimes at the weekend, we cycle somewhere together, we have done quite a lot over 11 weeks, and have barely had a day apart, I will say that.
Maybe it is too much for someone who has been alone for that long and who has detached emotionally for so long.
We sometimes laugh and act like kids. In fact, we get along reasonably well, until he goes into one of his hyper critical rants or says one of his hurtful observations on my appearance. (which incidentally, others do not agree with being fact even).
I have never come across anyone like him, and I have known a lot of people, on and off the spectrum.
Also, he is 52, and I would have thought by that age, he might have learnt to better control what he says, especially as his intelligence is very high.
Sometimes, when he hurts me, I can joke and laugh and say something rude back, and then the situation just disappears, but I am not made of stone, and cannot always do that.
I agree he is being an asshat, even he himself often says he is a 'prick' or an 'as*hole', he frequently mocks himself and laughs about himself, and jokes about how I now know why he has stayed alone for 20 years. That is what is ultimately very frustrating, he seems aware of how the way he is, sends people running after knowing him a short time, but he does not apparently wish to change. He knows lots of people on a casual, walk away and never see them again level, but no one has been close to him, and until I came along, he has not done anything with a woman in decades. Why he does so with me, whom he avoided for years, I don't know.

Have you ever pointed out to him that he's being an asshat or that he's hurting your feelings?

One time I did get angry when he was round mine and told him he was a 'sh*t' actually, and I could hear him saying to himself 'I'm not that bad am I? I'm not that bad' while I was out of the room.
I came back in and told him why what he was saying was making me angry and he didn't really bring it up again, other than once after that. he also got very quiet for sometime and stopped eating his dinner.

I tend to go quiet and try and hold back my feelings when he hurts me, rather than get angry or express it. The one time I went quiet and he asked if I was sulking( after he had told me no one would care if I starved after I had told him I didnt care if he cooked for me or not), when I told him the reason I got quiet he started going on about how I am too sensitive, too touchy, too abnormal and how he had never met anyone so touchy, and he got all grumpy and irritated with me. The point is, that apart from myself, he has not been around any other females for any length of time, although he casually talks to many, so how would he know if they wouldn't react the same or worse than me, lol?

Since then, when he upsets me, my tendency is to leave him and go home and not explain why because I don't want him to see me crying and I don't like getting angry with others.

That's a good sign; the one time you did point it out, he stopped.

He reminds me a bit of my family. When I was younger, my parents never responded to 'sulking'; half the time they never realised I was upset because I'm normally very quiet, so after hours when they did notice, it just pissed them off because when they eventually found out what the cause was, it was usually quite inconsequential to begin with. That only led me to believe that I couldn't get upset about anything so each time I clammed up even more.... so began the vicious cycle etc etc....

It took a bit of practice, but just saying straight out what's wrong at the time often receives a far better response (from a lot of people); the advantage is that A, you don't have time to dwell on it thus not as much misery, and B, it clears things up quickly between both parties and doesn't get 'out of proportion'. And logically, what's the worst that can happen by being honest? If he says 'so what?', then isn't it better to find out sooner than later if someone's an asshat!

Your friend sounds like one of those people who just wants people to 'come out and say it' and I think that you could go far if you were a bit more blunt with him. Maybe you could give it a go again and see if you have any more success?

Yes, I do think I need to be more vocal. It isn't easy as he is quite a forceful personality, very opnionated, but then he is always telling me I have got him totally wrong. I have thought about it a lot, and wondered if I need to just take that risk and show my annoyance when he says less than stellar things (and let's face it, there isn't really any positive way to view being told you have 'apelike features' lol... I mean, what a thing to come out with out of the blue, while walking down the street to a nice fireworks display).

I believe he also told some lady on his course that she is overweight and then told her how she could cycle and change her diet etc, to improve this, but that is different, as it was something that was clearly intended to be helpful.

He has told me from day 1 to never take anything he says seriously , but that is kind of not achievable, and why would someone want you to not take anything they say seriously? The thing is, at times he has said mean things then looked at me and said 'that's really got to you, hasn't it?' and laughed, because he finds it ridiculous that I should be so affected by mere words, when he was physically attacked and almost died. It seems to anger him that I should get so upset at words after what he went through, emotional pain, to him, is not valid therefore. I find that aspect very challenging as I believe that each person has different forms of suffering in their lives, and one should never invalidate that. Similarly, when I spoke of childhood sexual abuse, he trivialised it, and basically said 'so what, someone had a shag with you when you were a kid'... you can imagine how that went down. Mind you, he had had a lot of wine at the time.

When he is good, he is great, but when he is bad, he is almost intolerable, lol and reminds me of a kid in a middle aged man's body.
He observes and comments on every little detail of a person. He even notices if I have a bruise, or a zit and comments on it. One of the earliest things he said to me was that I was weak for having emotions and being sensitive, though he later took that back. He said he had no emotions, then changed his mind weeks later and said he does, and started making jokes about it everytime he said he missed the library and such things. 'I miss the library, I must have emotions afterall'.

Maybe over time I will build a tolerance to his ways, or find a way to send things right back at him, or maybe even not respond at all to his more negative comments, as some people do like to get a reaction.

Woah!! !!

OK, I apologise. I thought there was some hope. I don't know. I haven't met this guy, but .... what an absolutely hideous thing to say. Those comments alone deserve a slap round the face. Being drunk is a lousy excuse.

He sounds like he needs serious help. I don't know if avoiding him would teach him anything (it seems to be everyone elses reaction and the lesson hasn't sunk in) but if he starts to chip away at your self-esteem and your own values then it may be for the best as others have suggested.

It's kind of worrying that he trivialises every time he hurts you by 'well, I had it worse'... he can potentially use that excuse to justify everything short of beating you up.



No, don't! Please don't build up any tolerance for this abuse. It really is that. I don't think he'll get bored either; you say you already don't react much but he still keeps on trying to get a rise out of you. I wonder would you be better getting advice off websites that tailor for partners in abusive situations? I know you aren't a couple yet* but it may help.

*hopefully never! sorry

I feel I'm headed for that fate, unless I somehow develop past whatever is holding me back at this point. It seems that for adults who missed certain developmental stages, it's really difficult to re-establish emotional contact with the average person. Like I myself have trouble empathizing with how things like sexual abuse traumatize people, or the closeness average people feel toward their spouses. Of course it's possible to learn about others' experiences intellectually, but it almost seems to really understand them on a personal level one almost needs a certain range of experiences during certain "critical periods" growing up.

To make any negative comment about somebody's physical appearance is: rude, hurtful, insensitive, cruel, inappropriate... Ape like features can’t be positive. It is the same as if you were to tell him that he has the same ears of a donkey. (It could be fitting since he appears to be a jackass!)

The features we are born with should never be pointed out with a comment, unless it is a compliment. Saying to a person "you have a small nose" may be just as hurtful to someone as saying "you have a big nose." Perhaps this person is sensitive about her nose in general because she has been teased about it. Like a person teased her saying it was too small for her chubby cheeks. If I am pinpointing a certain feature, I make sure to compliment it. For example, "I like your small nose." Or "your small nose is cute." We have to be aware that we all have feelings. Even saying a small nose is cute, could be an uncomfortable for a person. However, I find it safer than just stating the obvious that their nose is small.

When I care about somebody of the opposite sex, (I’m female) and my first opinion when we met was that he was attractive, can later change into thinking he a gorgeous guy. With a particular ex of mine, I found him gorgeous when we first met. His behavior has now made him UGLY.

We all have opinions on what a person looks like. One may be absolutely beautiful to someone and ugly to another. Opinions vary, sometimes we agree with a person who found them beautiful, maybe we think she’s pretty, not beautiful or perhaps we think she’s cute, or maybe we completely disagree thinking she’s an eye-sore!

There are some things we can do to improve our appearance. We can groom ourselves by styling our hair, perhaps adding a touch of makeup, moisturizing our skin, exercising... But, there are some things we are permanently with. (Plastic surgery can on some things of course, but not all. But, really one should only have surgery for only them.)

If you suspect this man is truly ignorant in this area of sharing his opinion on a person's features, and you are planning to keep him in your life you must educate him. It is essential to make this a healthy relationship as possible.

Regardless, please don't believe his ape like feature comment to you is true. I care about your emotional health with having him around and wish you the very best.

Same here (I'm male).

OP: regardless of whether he is being rude on purpose, at the moment he is destroying your self-esteem, and that isn't healthy for your interactions.

Good to see you Grael, by the way. I didn't realize you were still around here. I can still be fun, though.

I still don't know what his issue is. He could be AS. Bipolar. Schizo. Tourette's. Just bitter. Who's gives a f**k. Guy's got issues.

I don't think his intentions are truly malicious from what you are saying. I'm as big an a-hole as they come and I still have more tact than that.

Blue Mage gave you great advice.

My advice might not be so great, but I'll offer it up anyway, cause that's what I do.

I feel kind of like a version of this guy with more tact. I think you should be extremely blunt about your issue with him. It just may get the point across that slights on a woman's appearance are universally a bad idea. You would have to be very blunt about what not to say about a woman. If he doesn't take the advice seriously or make a conscious effort to improve then it's time to probably move on if what he says still hurts.

One possible motive for this appalling behaviour is that he is in love with you and is attempting to remake you into how he thinks a person should be- having no emotional reaction whatsoever to any words ever said regardless. When I read your earlier posts I was trying to reconcile how a man could want to spend so much fun time with a woman and otherwise be so great to be around with this exception of saying evil things that are intended to wound.

There are men who say cruel things with the intention to wound because they want the woman to emotionally suffer. With him it seems bizarrely opposite. He wants you to stop suffering emotionally no matter what he says because he thinks that being wounded by words is inappropriate behaviour and he has made it his mission to "fix" this part of you. There is a lunatic precedent for this among some parents. They think that if they insult their children, it will make their children emotionally tougher and better able to be unaffected by the words of others. The song "A Boy Named Sue" by Johnny Cash is about this- about parents who gave their son a name chosen to cause mocking by others so that he would be immune to words.

So does this mean I think you should stay with him? NO!!. If my guess about him is right, he will continue this campaign of verbal abuse until he achieves his goal of you not caring. It is almost certainly impossible for you to not care and stay with him. The only way for you to not care is for you to cut him out of your life completely and box memories of him away in your head as something to look back on ruefully. If you stay, he will escalate. He already took it up several notches when he mocked your past experience of sexual abuse. That pattern will continue.

If I'm wrong and this isn't some sort of attempted emotional makeover that he's doing to you (making you immune to cruel words, as he thinks you should be), but instead he is clueless or secretly hates you and likes it when you are emotionally hurt then you should still leave him. If he's being mean for sadistic enjoyment, then leaving is the obvious choice. If he's being mean because he's clueless, then he won't escalate (more than he has) because the words have no purpose. I guess it's wondering if he was clueless that made you post this in the first place. Clueless is the most benign possibility. But it's also the least likely one given that he has escalated from mocking your looks to mocking your abuse history and given that he has stated that he thinks emotional pain is "not valid" because it isn't physical.

So in the end, I think you should cut contact with him. I know the good memories make it hard. If he was 100% awful it would be easy to walk away. It's that 50% awful/50% good mix that often convinces women to stay in abusive situations. There's always that slim hope that the ratio will shift to 20%awful/80% good or something tolerable. But in the meantime, your psyche is being chipped away at by all the wounding words. And it is literally wounding. He's wrong that only physical attacks cause physical damage. Emotional abuse causes physical damage too. Your body releases stress hormones when you hear and process these words and repeated and constant exposure to stress hormones causes physical damage to your body.

So cut all ties. The damage this is doing to you is not outweighed by the good times. You are being damaged and this will continue. Leave and heal.