Helping a girl to work out

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06 Jun 2011, 11:17 pm

invite her to work out with you but make it as if you want someone to work out with and because you think it would be fun. keep it playful, make it fun and nothing competitive, unless she likes competition.

It doesn't have to be working out at a gym either, it could be to go on a power-walk with you, and then throw in something about you appreciating her working out with you or that she makes a great work-out partner. And power-walk with her often. She'll feel better emotionally from relieving stress and it'll give you both fresh air and time to spend with each other / talk. Get creative and find some way or activity that the both of you will actively enjoy while burning those calories and if she enjoys the active experience, it'll make it easier to transition to something like a gym work out.

Often people's bias's or laziness keep them from discovering something they'd truly enjoy. it doesn't hurt to (re)introduce them to it in a fun way - without them knowing your true intentions.

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RainingRoses
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06 Jun 2011, 11:28 pm

MarketAndChurch wrote:

it doesn't hurt to (re)introduce them to it in a fun way - without them knowing your true intentions.

It doesn't?

Why does there seem to be so much "what people don't know won't hurt them" in these forums lately? I won't pretend to know the answer to (let alone be the final arbiter of) all this, but it does confuse and concern me.

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Sallamandrina
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06 Jun 2011, 11:45 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

Why does there seem to be so much "what people don't know won't hurt them" in these forums lately? I won't pretend to know the answer to (let alone be the final arbiter of) all this, but it does confuse and concern me.

Ah, so you noticed that too. It bothers me a lot.

I react strongly when people try to manipulate or influence me especially when they pretend it's for my own good, that's usually just a pretext to mask one's selfish and self-serving reasons.

My husband understands that he needs to ask directly and honestly if he wants something from me, I'm open to constructive criticism and not easily offended. But I'd never forgive him if he tried to trick me into something or "reward" me as you do with a dog, even if that something was indeed beneficial for me. It's very disrespectful to act this way, it destroys trust and people should keep in mind that their little schemes rarely stay secret for long.

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06 Jun 2011, 11:45 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

however, my husband was a university graduate. he had a professor who was a friend, and that person would deride my uneducated status.

I'm sure you know that this is much different than what I'm proposing. (This kind of thing may actually be more hurtful -- it would be to me anyway -- than anything someone could say about getting in shape at the gym. Whatever the case, not nice!)

hyperlexian wrote:

if i had happened to say at the time, "i hate my dead-end job and want to make more money in an intellectually stimulating environment", he would most likely have pointed out the obvious educational solution.

This is, in fact, the way things developed. Although I said earlier that "I encouraged her," I definitely didn't "push her" to finish college -- didn't need to. That was all her. And we kind of navigated the graduate program decisions together. I guess the point of this is that, even though I didn't try to influence her in any of this, I might have. And I definitely now see how that could be offensive -- despite my thinking that it's somehow morally superior to encourage someone to go to school than to the gym. Both are inherently hurtful, I suppose. And I guess it doesn't really matter that one track is more about her ass than the other!

yeah, i was just offering the extremes i experienced as an uneducated person amongst the academes. i didn't think you pushed her like that or anything!

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hyperlexian
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06 Jun 2011, 11:49 pm

Sallamandrina wrote:

It's very disrespectful to act this way, it destroys trust and people should keep in mind that their little schemes rarely stay secret for long.

this was what i was thinking.

the girlfriend in question may become less and less enthusiastic about an exercise program she never wanted to begin with, and may eventually ask her boyfriend why he wants her to exercise so much... it will become glaringly obvious he has an agenda or he may even spill it and give his intentions away.

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RainingRoses
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06 Jun 2011, 11:59 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

the girlfriend in question may become less and less enthusiastic about an exercise program she never wanted to begin with, and may eventually ask her boyfriend why he wants her to exercise so much... it will become glaringly obvious he has an agenda or he may even spill it and give his intentions away.

Something tells me it will become glaringly obvious the instant he floats the idea.

"No honey, I'm just concerned about your health..."??? Please. :roll:

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cdfox7
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07 Jun 2011, 12:07 am

Ok I had my partner wanting to get me to change things about me &
I had words with her about it thats one the reasons why I had year break from her.

About two year I ago I found out that my partner started self-harming again & that was the only time I pleaded with her
get professional help & to make sure self-harm safety if she feel that she need to do it.

hyperlexian good for hun I can perfectly understand about your goal for education. I left school with zip
spend six years in college then did six years part time for my degree, & along them 12 years I given people the finger every time they told I can't get an degree :wink: lol

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07 Jun 2011, 12:14 am

I think people must have missed the point of my post.

I am trying to say that you can ask someone to work out with you in a spirit of loving encouragement and acceptance, but not to turn it into little digs about their appearance. I think this would require a level of maturity that the OP may not have yet, but that's for him to decide.

You can get into trouble going to either extreme. Like hyperlexian's story about being constantly critiqued and then dumped for just not being good enough is one bad extreme, where there was no acceptance.

My husband's previous wife died after she became addicted to meth, and she refused to listen to him begging her to kick her addiction, and began prostituting to support the growing habit. Should he not have said anything to her and passively allowed it to happen in the spirit of "unconditional acceptance"? That would be the other bad extreme, acceptance of everything, which is also known as enabling.

If you keep things in a spirit of mutual fun and encouragement, you can ask someone to work out with you, without having to criticize their appearance. You can praise their efforts and accomplishments without criticizing at all. There is a happy medium between "no acceptance" and "acceptance of everything".

hyperlexian
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07 Jun 2011, 12:15 am

cdfox7 wrote:

hyperlexian good for hun I can perfectly understand about your goal for education. I left school with zip
spend six years in college then did six years part time for my degree, & along them 12 years I given people the finger every time they told I can't get an degree :wink:

lol

well, good for you too!

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zen_mistress
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07 Jun 2011, 12:19 am

hyperlexian wrote:

well, i have had the negative experience in the past of dating some people who started out with small criticisms of my appearance, and eventually the real problems came out - that i was just not good enough for them. now i understand that my body Is not putty in someone else's hands to be remade in some way. i may decide to change something, but that's for me and not for someone else.

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07 Jun 2011, 1:03 am

Jet102fm wrote:

Let's suppose I have a girlfriend, not necessarily out-of-shape. How many of you asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to work out, preferably with you? This I ask is because it would be nice for me to have a girl who's looks I can stare after. Other than that, I like her for her.

Try to talk her into joining you in getting into killer shape. That you want her to come with you. Then you are like each others accountability partner. Vary your choice of words as needeed.

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MarketAndChurch
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07 Jun 2011, 1:15 am

John_Browning wrote:

Jet102fm wrote:

Try to talk her into joining you in getting into killer shape. That you want her to come with you. Then you are like each others accountability partner. Vary your choice of words as needeed.

That's a good point too. The accountability part comes into any workout routine that you do with another - I work out with a small group of friends, a different friend a day based on when or schedules are freed up.

She'll get attractive in the process, you'll both feel healthier as you de-stress, detoxify, and reduce your chances of getting a whole slew of health-related issues.

The Vary your choice of words as needed seems to be the part that everyone's still hung up about.

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Sallamandrina
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07 Jun 2011, 1:20 am

MarketAndChurch wrote:

The Vary your choice of words as needed seems to be the part that everyone's still hung up about.

People who replied are clearly "hung up" about his motivation, not his choice of words.

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07 Jun 2011, 1:32 am

Sallamandrina wrote:

MarketAndChurch wrote:

The Vary your choice of words as needed seems to be the part that everyone's still hung up about.

People who replied are clearly "hung up" about his motivation, not his choice of words.

Would it be worse for him to be honest about it and put forth a suggestion that could be construed as insulting, or would it be worse for him to use word choice to mask his intentions?

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MarketAndChurch
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07 Jun 2011, 1:40 am

RainingRoses wrote:

MarketAndChurch wrote:

it doesn't hurt to (re)introduce them to it in a fun way - without them knowing your true intentions.

I guess my reasoning is more noble then his - It let's the two of them spend time together, get physically healthy which is good for their relationship, and look good naked - and if it doesn't work out, you know you tried, you still love her for her, and no one's feelings get hurt. Would you be fine if he deceived her with good intentions?

Him being honest projects his preference of the ideal her, one that she currently doesn't live up to. Even if she understands that it's from a good place that it comes from, it isn't something that ever goes away and even if she becomes fit some day, will still live in her subconscious, and can be easily nurtured unintentionally.

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MollyTroubletail
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07 Jun 2011, 1:41 am

It's kinder to mask your intentions if the girl is NT. They can't cope with directness, which we prefer.

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