Anger towards ex who was an Aspie

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Everyone is different so will have different levels of empathy in different situations.

If you take empathy to be recognising and/or sharing feelings then a lot of people with AS will have difficulty with that.

It's as if we somewhat speak a different language regarding empathy. We care about strangers and care about people in different lands, and that's a strength. With people we know, we are sometimes slow on the uptake, perhaps because we're trying to "excel" and be "perfect" (the trap of perfectionism).

And with golfgirl827's ex, he just flat-out missed it. He should have been there in a major way and he just wasn't. Now, as an earlier person pointed out, NT people sometimes do this. Yes, they do. It is still hurtful when it happens. (I think a good response is just to imperfectly be there, to accept that you're not always going to know what to do and know what to say. And also to take time and space for yourself, and to come back. And that last part is very important.)

You're very welcome!

I think people here do try to help and are glad when we are able to help.

Empathy is not the ability to recognize or share feelings, it's the ability to feel for people. A person who lacks empathy is uncaring even if they know what the person is feeling. This would be a psychopath/sociopath. I think many people with AS try hard to be considerate of others and are much more well intentioned that they have been given credit for.

Have you ever been accused of being inconsiderate or uncaring when you in fact went out of your way to be considerate or caring of others?

I have never heard that definition and cannot find it anywhere.



No, but I am sure that people have thought it.

If someone tells my partner that someone close to them has died my partner will truly feel their pain and grief. She will often end up crying loader than them.

If I have not known the deceased I won't feel the bereaved person's pain. I can see it and try to console them but I don't feel it the way my partner does.

Most people wouldn't. They have sympathy in that situation instead of empathy.

The Marriam Webster Dictionary defines empathy as...



The issue with the person with AS is they may not initially understand the nature of the situation due to how it is communicated or how they themselves perceive the situation. When people hear that people with AS lack empathy they assume they are aware of the situation and just don't care.

For example, let us say someone has lost their job. This can be a positive thing or a negative thing. My sister's friend lost her job and was happy about it because she hated it. Most of the time people are upset they lost their job. If someone tells me they lost their job and then they chuckle, I am initially lead to believe this is not a horribly bad thing and may fail to express empathy because I would have no reason to worry about them. However I've discovered this is a correct assumption in some cultures. I've come to realize that in many Asian cultures they will chuckle to "save face" in difficult situations. It does not indicate all is well. In fact it usually indicates that there is a very big problem. So I now know those situations warrant empathy.

I've also come to realize things that would upset me don't upset others and things that would upset others don't upset me. Thus there is an empathy displacement, where people empathize with emotions which actually do not exist within me at the time, and fail to empathize with emotions that do exist within me at the time.

For example, I had a blood test once and they couldn't get the blood. They eventually got some from the back of my hand, which the technician originally refused to try. An administrative clerk from another department had accompanied me and looked horribly worried the whole time. She kept apologizing and asking me if I was ok. Apparently she thought blood tests were horrible and was empathizing with emotions of mine that weren't there.

I think there's a lot to that distinction. We care for others, but we don't know what to do, so we withdraw. Or, we care about different aspects of our own personal life experiences (for example, some weeks the most significant thing that happens for me is a really neat thing I've read or mental moonbeam I've had while walking. that is, my inner world is often much more important than my external), and we then have difficulty translating to the experiences of others.

Along a similar vein, people have sometimes misread embarrassment on my part, I think because I kind of have a shit-eating grin and they think it's arrogance. And also I think because I overtry and that doesn't play well. So, I've learned to graciously back-off, a neutral 'okay' (gives myself some time to read the situation), and the idea that if someone needs space, go ahead and give them space.

I've read that people can recognize the four facial expresses->->happiness, sadness, anger, fear<-<-cross cultures, a piece of cake. The fly in the ointment, the one that gives difficulty and is often misread is embarrassment.

I think you can go medium and nonverbally offer the person a hug. And let the person set the length of the hug. Or, if you become uncomfortable with the length, the pat on the back (I often talk myself through these social skills, then do pretty well).

And if the person backs off and turns down the hug, that's perfectly okay, too.

Offering a hug in that the person might be hurting and might appreciate a hug. Rather than some clumsy, labored philosophy (something I tried in my earlier years).

And in general, I really like the idea of go medium, feedback, next medium step.

Sorry, I meant incorrect assumption in the above quote.

Actually, I did not see the mistake because the example was so good.