My boyfriend of 6 months might have aspergers?? Advice pls!

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Talking on the phone is a trial for me. It's especially hard with some people, less so with others (the ones who do most of the talking and I just listen). Problems include, knowing when to speak, knowing when to respond or to respond at all (I used to simply not respond when people were talking, until I finally realized that people want you to go "uh huh, hmm, etc" while they are talking to "indicate" that you are listening to them. Even more so on the phone because since they can't see you standing there they think you're not listening or disconnected. But this requires conscious effort and took me a while to figure out. I also have a hard time in that when I talk on the phone, I can't tell how people are responding to me or if they understand me, if I really have something to get across. If I have something important to communicate it's better not to do it on the phone. It's hard to talk on the spur of the moment too, or what people call "small talk". This has never come easily and it basically seems pointless too, though I try some basic pleasantries that I've learned, then it kind of dead ends. Your boyfriend may have some or any of these issues as well. The other thing is remembering to initiate contact. This took literally years. I have to actually schedule and practice to remind myself to call certain friends who live far away and don't do email, or who I get together with occasionally, otherwise, I won't do it. It's not natural, it's not like I just sit there and suddenly think, I'll call so and so and pick up the phone and have something to say. Even still, weeks go by.

If you really want to talk to him on the phone, you should call, don't wait around for it to occur to him that he's "supposed" to. One thing is, it does get easier with practice, but we're talking years of it , and with some people, who I have no problem being around in person, it's practically impossible to talk on the phone. Also, the more people and responses I have to juggle the harder it is to remember and figure out times to talk on the phone. And I can't be talking on the phone to one friend while I have other stuff going on. Sometimes I do not reply to calls simply because I'm doing stuff and I'm not able to sit down and provide a long dedicated time period of just talking right then. If I try to do other things while I'm talking/listening on the phone, I tend to tune out the person on the other end.

Personally, I much prefer communicating by email to talking on the phone. I'm not a fan of text messaging on the phone, it interrupts other things and yet you can't just focus on it either. I like chatting online, or emailing. It's much easier to communicate in writing for me. You might ask him about these things. Some people I know do not like to email or chat online, they want to talk, but that's harder for me. As for people I see often in person, I'd prefer to just see them in person, really. But some of them I force myself to talk to on the phone because they live far away and they don't do emails, and I want to stay in touch (and, they're the kind of people who: don't expect to talk to me every day, and they do most of the talking on the phone). The idea of talking to someone on the phone every day is exhausting. Also, I don't think you should expect immediate responses to your text messages all the time. Maybe you could establish a time of night to call him when he's away that he will be expecting you can he can block it out. If it becomes a scheduled thing, it may be easier to integrate and remember. Discuss a time that works for him because he's not doing anything else at that time, and then call, don't wait around seeing if he remembered or not. This may also make it less stressful for him being expected to respond to you immediately at all hours night and day whenever you text or call him, which sounds like a nightmare from my perspective. My ex used to be like this and it drove me nuts, and he would get mad if I did not respond immediately. If I was talking to somebody else or busy at the time I did not want to drop everything, it's too hard to concentrate that way. I would rather give dedicated time when I was able to switch my focus to him, without the attitude about it.

If he is an aspie it sounds like you have two different needs clashing; you feel the need to speak every day and he feels the need to recover after being around people and get some time to himself. He might not get why you want to speak on the phone rather that wait till you can see each other in person when the time spent together can be much more personal and meaningful. You do sound quite demanding, it's not fair to demand that another person speaks to you, personally I don't even respond to most people's generic greetings. They think I'm rude, I think they're rude for expecting me to interact with them and then taking offence when I don't; I don't exist for their pleasure or to appease their sense of social appropriateness. Of course I'm not saying your boyfriend is like that but you can try and see these things from different angles.

Ultimately I think it's better to have someone you love who loves you back than to have someone to speak with or worse force to speak to you every day.

You're saying that you think there is something wrong with him, but from how you've explained that, it sounds more like you're the one with the problem. I don't mean that horribly, but what you've said sounds awfully insecure and needy to me. My husband often has to go away for work. If it's a night or two, I hear nothing. If it's a week or so, I get a couple of emails to remind me that he's alive.

Maybe he isn't an Aspie at all. You should really check with a Doctor for that. And just because someone isn't answering your phone calls that doesn't mean he is an Aspie. There are loads Neurotypical people that do that anyway. I think you need to leave a gap for a bit not think about communicating every single day. Just don't worry so much and then you yourself will feel better first.

Then you can with time analyse the situation. Maybe you should go see a specialist and ask them what they think. But mostly lay back a bit and let things grow. Otherwise you will be hurting yourself and then you yourself might become depressed.

I think you both need to learn to understand each other a bit more.
He needs space and is forgetful. He hates talking on the phone. Maybe when he's away he can call you once? Or you can text or skype?
You seem to need reassurance. This isn't a bad thing - I need reassurance from anyone I'm in a relationship in - that while they're away, they still think about me. When I liked someone, I WANT to talk to them alot, and figure that they'll also want to talk to me a lot. I like getting phone calls of "just thinking about you!" etc. He unfortunately, is not the type that seems to understand that. Maybe explain to him that you will work on giving him space, but you also need him to try to reassure you.
I think it was kind of harsh of others to say that you're the one "with the problem" - I think relationships are a learning curve for EVERYONE, and each pairing requires changes and alterations in behaviors, and learning to communicate with the other person in a way that best works.
I think maybe laying off the texting might help though. Guys often don't realize they're used to things until that thing changes - ie, constant messages. By not texting (try for the whole weekend, or even a day), he might realize you haven't and text you instead. If he doesn't, don't get upset though. Most guys don't feel the need to communicate all the time like girls do. I think I've only met a handful of males who actually respond back promptly!

that happened to me with my ex girlfriend. she didn't like that i didnt share my feelings or say how i felt on certain things. she wanted me to open up and talk around other people but didn't want to. ill never forget her. she is probably an ex i will always care for and never forget.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and input. I can definitely be demanding at times and for sure have things to work on within myself and I am not an expert nor am I qualified to diagnose anyone of anything. He just is so unlike anyone I have ever been emotionally close to that I thought that him possibly having Aspergers was a possibility. He did tell me yesterday that when he was young in school teachers thought he was autistic but he doesn't think he is.

Since I love him so much I am just going to try to understand him better. Hes reasons for not talking on the phone to me sound the same as the reasons you guys have used as well.

If anyone has books or suggestions for me on what to do or ways to learn more or perhaps if there would be a good way to have him look into if ge might be an aspie please let meknow.

Also If he is an aspie, do you think he would benefit by knowing or acknowledging that about himself or not?

Well done you for taking the comments on the chin and deciding work on yourself. Someone once told me that we can't change other people or their behaviour, we can only change ourselves and how we respond to it.

Tony Attwood does a book that claims to be the complete guide to Aspergers. He is a well respected expert in the field. But bear in mind that all aspies are different and authors can only generalise. So when they say apies do x, y and z, some do and some don't. That's why this site is so good because there is such a wide experience pool to tap into.

As for his acknowledging it, if he is, this may take some doing. My husband is also Aspergers. I knew it as soon as I met him, but it took about 6 years for him to accept it, bit by bit. Also some aspies, me included, can't see the abnormalities in ourselves because to us, it isn't abnormal. Since being diagnosed I have many moments when my occupational therapist points out an aspie trait of mine and I struggle to grasp that other people don't do the same. Like body language and facial expression, I believe I have no problem decifering these yet every assessment I've had shows that I get it wrong almost all the time. I know this is correct and I know that this is why I can't form friendships but I don't believe it.

So, what happened...? I'm trying to make sense of a similar conundrum. even down to his being a traveling musician. Fortunately we're a decade older than you, so at least it's not the same dude.

The point for me isn't having to speak every day, it's knowing whether lapses in communication and withdrawing are in fact due to his [stated] extreme introversion and need for down time, especially after playing and interacting with fans, audiences, etc (which would drain most humans, but would drive a person with Aspergers close to a meltdown, as he's said) or whether his claim is all BS and the manipulative ploy of a "typical musician" who's an abominable narcissist, who is deceitful, appealing to a woman's sense of nurturing/understanding/empathy and therefore leaving him alone when he wants, and it's being a case of the guy being "just not that into you" and being enormously disingenuous and manipulative.

I've never been more confused by anyone in my life. When I've told him I feel like he's not that into me he gets upset and says I always try to make things negative, unnecessarily (which is an odd response), or he sort of stone-faced says "I like you very very much. I'm sorry that's not more obvious to you."

He seems to have Aspergers, but I am certainly no expert. I base this on watching him eccentrically and awkwardly interact with other people, as well as hearing how he talks about other people and relationships, as well as issues he has had in the past, and the unusual way he expresses and doesn't express himself, as well as sensitivity to certain sounds and pitches, things like getting up and walking out of a room without the usual communications people make, an odd private internal sense of humor, staggering sensitivity to things like art and music, and sometimes equally staggering lack of sensitivity to things like people's feelings, often classifying anything emotional that overwhelms or perplexes him as "drama."

Anyway, I'm very curious how the original poster fared. What happened? How is it going? Did you figure this out? Is it worth it?

And, more broadly, wondering whether this is the right forum---or is there one more appropriate for people to discuss things like relationship issues involving people w/Aspergers and those who are neurotypical?

thanks
limeginger

Hell, even autistic/aspei girls nag about such ridiculous things in aspie men.

Besides, not every guy who doesn't know how to show love is autistic/aspies.

But since you're probably certain that he has asperger,ok fine, let's say he's aspie..... yet you are not wanting to tolerate his aspie quirks?

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what does "blanking" mean?

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