Been dumped...

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I had this happen to me a year ago and I'm still not over it. I ended up doing the same thing, though...my last phone message was something like that, you have my cell phone and email, if you ever want to explain why you did what you did, they aren't likely to change for a long time. I don't have any hopes I'll ever get the explanation I want, but if he ever decides to, he can. Otherwise, I'm doing everything I can to try to move on.

~Kate

Isn't it sad when other people do something with no warning or valid explanation and it just lingers in your mind? It then turns into just your problem that you must address. You are now the owner of these new thoughts even though someone else triggered it. They are now all yours.

I will, as soon as I hear from him. BUt still no reaction

With most relationships, there are warnings and explainations, but the person just doesn't see them.

Take me with a long time ago ex. I was spending less and less time with him, stopped kissing ages before I ended it etc.
As for the explaination, half the time you don't know exactly why they no longer like you, but that doesn't make the reason less "valid".

So true. The person either doesn't see the warning signs, or the person sees the signs and just lives in denial.

The "why" really is irrelevant, isn't it? When I finally broke free of a long-running relationship, I somehow got this whole weird "dad" complex when dating someone who was just getting ready for college when I was nearly on my way out. I really wanted her to make good education/career decisions, not necessarily those I made, but I really just wanted to help and see her happy. She dropped out of high school so she could work for a couple of years and get her GED. She ended up hanging with the wrong crowd, got into partying, and suddenly I found myself "not welcome." It wasn't long before she completely lost interest in me--not just because of the distance thing and college, but because I'd run out of money to spend on her! She went through a couple of bad relationships into college, and we eventually got back together. But then it was same song, different verse. I'd have been better off just leaving her alone.

People generally have a reason to break up, and it doesn't even have to be a GOOD one. I don't think anyone here really wants to be with someone that fickle. The woman I ended up marrying, on the other hand, was steady as a rock even when I was bouncing from one failed relationship to another. Ultimately, I saw that my best friend was really the right one for me all along.

On a slightly different but related topic: Whatever happened to "dating around"? Why do people feel so deeply compelled to have a committed relationship? Whatever happened to "just getting to know someone"? Permanent relationships don't seem to be formed that easily when people have the mentality of "meet someone and fall in love," like love-at-first-sight love. I think better relationships come out of dating a number of people at once--not SERIOUSLY dating, but just hanging out and engaging in shared interests. You'll find who you like the most soon enough, but it can be fun actually getting to know a lot of people and making the playing field a little more competitive. Sure, I've always been obsessed over finding "the one." But even if I had practiced what I preached, any girls I'd be remotely interested in hanging out with were obsessed with it, too.

That's what Spleen needs most right now, I think--a little no-strings-attached casual DATING (no physical intimacy, a hug will do). It could be quite liberating.

it's weird that my boyfriend still wanted to spend a lot of time with me, he was very affectionate and also wanted to call me etc. And two days before the break up he also wanted to talk about it (the argument we had that week) and he said things would be fine after we'd have talked. That he loved me so much and had so much feelings for me. So that's why it was really unexpected...

The day he told me about the break or break up (I don't know what's true) he seemed a bit angry. The situation is just really confusing. He told me it was just a break, that I can win him back if I change things and he also wanted to hear me say whether I was gonna win him back. He also told me he would be there for me, as a friend, but now I haven't heard from him for three weeks. I'm so confused, is this the end? Is this the 'aspie style break up' people were talking about in that topic? Cutting off all contact and move on without me?

If there are any people with Asperger's on this forum who did the 'cutting off all contact style break up', I'd like to hear if you ever changed your mind and wanted to get back to your ex again after some time? Did you miss your ex?

If you had it done to you by your partner with Asperger's, did your ex ever changed his mind and came back?

Is there any way I could get back to him again? What would be the best approach?

Also, could it be that he's ignoring me to 'teach me a lesson' so I will try to change and won't make the same mistakes in the future? Or won't people with Asperger's syndrome ever use this kind of 'correction method/punishment'?

Maybe he's still angry? But it's been three weeks now! It is a long time to ignore someone because you're angry, it seems to me.

I really hope you come out ok after this (((hug)))

thanks for all the kind words

Wow this almost exactly how my ex beat around the bush but she just didn't have the guts to break up with me! So she cheated on me... But she did a lot of the same stuff he's doing and I know I just sent one last message saying a final goodbye and haven't heard from her since. It seems like you two were on a bit better speaking terms so it might be different for you. I guess in the end is he "really worth" all of this trouble to go through? Because I thought the same about her but when I actually sat down and assessed the situation I found it extremely clear that throughout the relationship I had been misused and mistreated. Just hope your making the right decision whichever way you go.

^hope you got over it!

My boyfriend has never mistreated me of misused me really. He was very sweet most of the time, but when we had an argument, he would withdraw himself to his own house. The longest he's done it was three days, but he didn't ignore me completely like he does now. He still answered my emails.

Thank you and yes I did get over it. Glad he treated you well you sound like a very genuine person to go through all this to show him you still care! I hope things will all work out for you and you can grow in many other ways!

I'm utterly fascinated with this topic...

Forgive me if I repeat this often, but there are reasons to cut off all contact. I've been dumped more times than I felt was fair, and I've also had to do the dumping, which I HATE doing. If things end amicably, there is no reason to end all contact with someone. By that I mean you have a conversation like this: "Hey, look, I love you and all, but there's this other guy..." "You know, I'm so glad you said something, because I really haven't being feeling it and I was worried if I said something..." "Are you serious? OMG, cuz we could totally be friends.." "OMG, I was thinking the same thing! Wow, I feel so much better now." "Yeah, me too! But don't drop off the face of the earth, ok? You're a great friend!" "Absolutely. So, like call me, right?"

If there is a lot of emotional baggage in and out of the relationship, then you need to get away from each other. I had to avoid my ex like the plague because she wouldn't just leave me alone. I've also been the one who did the chasing, and I had to come to my senses that I was NOT getting this particular girl back and I was only emotionally damaging myself pining over her and calling her every day. I hadn't given myself time to get over her and start thinking clearly. When I finally made up my mind and stopped calling her, I felt like a brand new person. It was a good feeling, because for the first time I actually felt in control of my life.

I've also been with girls where there was a mutual attraction, but I just didn't feel was LTR material. In my experience, it's easier for women to develop emotional attachments than men. If I have to put the brakes on to keep a friendly relationship worth keeping, I'll do that. I've never been FWB with someone that didn't ultimately become LTR or was headed for disaster and we both knew it. You generally CAN keep a friendly relationship going after that if you both understand the boundaries of that relationship. It's hard to do, though, and takes a strong friendship to maintain those boundaries. I also am not a fan of FWB since it's too easy for a woman to just become some man's booty call when it's not working with another woman. The same thing doesn't seem to work in reverse because ultimately it is the woman who is in control. Men don't seem to care if they're being used for sex, in other words, and a ONS type of woman doesn't seem to me to be that easy to find. Even when they ARE easy to find, they seem to have something called "standards." So for someone like me, FWB and ONS are never good options because either I'm not the kind of guy those women go for or the kind of women who DO go for a guy like me can't really handle FWB and ONS.

Ironically, FWB is exactly how my relationship with my wife started out, and she was cheating on an abusive bf--which due to the abuse she wouldn't have otherwise dreamed of cheating because she was scared of getting physically hurt. There are always exceptions to FWB working out--you just have to be careful.


I probably wrote too much about my ex. In short, I did still have feelings for her, and I did miss her. But I had to be honest. It was the kind of love shared between a tornado and a trailer park. I just couldn't live like that anymore, and she just wouldn't leave me alone even after I broke up with her. It was to the point I was about to call the police.


Not meaning to sound like a broken record, but I'd recommend cutting off communication for 3-4 weeks, unless he calls you first. I say 3-4 weeks from the last communication from you. Meanwhile, start casually seeing other guys. I'd generally recommend against intimacy--if the issue ever comes up, just explain that you're rebounding and that you need time to heal and get to know other people before you take that step, if you take that step at all. Don't hide from your ex what you're doing. One of two things will happen. Either you'll meet someone who makes you completely forget about your ex, or he'll become insanely jealous and come crawling back. You can't lose here. You'll also get to see how he really feels about you. If his interest changes once he thinks he has a possibility of losing you forever, then you've got something to hope for. If he doesn't seem to care, then simply put your memories of that relationship in the circular file.

(My wife used that tactic on me when I broke up with her once--IT WORKED! I was trying to work things out with someone I'd previously dated and fell hard for, but I was still attracted to my gf at the time. She proceeds to start dating my college roommate. WTF???)


As an aspie myself, I'm just not that creative. Not like that. If I've been unhappy long enough and I figure I've taken all the bullsh!t anybody deserves to take, I don't think I owe you any warning. At a certain point, "talking" just doesn't work, and a string of empty, broken promises only ensures more empty, broken promises to come. For me to have dated you for a number of years and decide enough is enough, there's no going back. People just don't change like that when you get to know them over a long period of time. It's also unfair to expect them to. While thinking about my ex, I do tend to lay all the guilt at her feet. But at the same time, I did her a HUGE favor and she's much happier without me. I'm not guiltless, either. But if I can't change the way she wants me to after 5 or 6 years, she deserves better than me.

That said, it is a cruel punishment, if that is what it is. It sounds to me that your ex's intentions are less than honorable. He's keeping you in his back pocket as a contingency if he can't get things to work out with someone else. What are you SUPPOSED to think here? If you break his heart, he only has himself to blame.

More than anything, though, if it IS some sick form of punishment, you deserve better than that. Turn it back on him. He deserves to know how it feels. Date his brother or best guy friend if you REALLY want to stick it to him. We'll see just how far "bro's before ho's" goes.


Start dating again, or at least put yourself out there on the dating market. Give it another week or two, email "just to say hi," and casually mention you went out with whoever. See what happens. He's had emotional power over you long enough.

'Nuff said. You're better than this jerk. Run.

For future reference, if someone dumps you, they decide to dump you. Fair enough, that's life. They do not, however, get to decide on their own that 'this is just a hiatus'; that's a decision for both of you to make.

As for 'getting him back if you change'... pff. best way to cope with arrogant mind games like this is to say 'ok' and never contact him again

My guess (and purely a guess, based on someone who sounds very similar to your ex) is that he isn't actually dumping you; he just wants his own way and thinks this is how he'll get it. Otherwise, he wouldn't have gone on about a hiatus and how to get him back.. which would explain why he's hanging around and acting like you're still together (& making sure some other guy doesn't make a move in the meantime).

I'd put money on that if you turned around and told him you'd started seeing someone else, he'd be 'heartbroken' and that you 'broke a trust', conveniently forgetting that this was all his idea...

Not projecting at all
.

^Agreed with Lene.

@ AngelRho

I haven't been stalking him since the break up really, I emailed him about 3 times (2 longer emails and one short one, in this one I wrote he should take his time and I didn't want to push him to contact me) during these three weeks and tried to call him once. That's all. So I'm not sure if that's the reason he's ignoring me.

I've cut off contact about a week ago, I haven't called or emailed him since (still no word from him though). I will do this for about 3/4 weeks, as you suggested.

To start seeing other guys again so he might become jealous, it may work...but, well, he's at home at the moment (summer holidays) and he doesn't really go out as far as I know and isn't in contact with a lot of people at the moment (he doesn't have that many friends and he isn't seeing his classmates at the moment). He's just sitting at home with his parents at the moment as far as I know. So I don't know how I could make him notice I'm seeing other guys during the weeks of no contact. If I'd tell him myself he probably thinks I'm making it up to make him jealous or something. It may work to get him to think he might really lose me to someone else, but the problem is: how do I make him notice? I don't run in to him at all because he's at home most of the time.

@Lene

It could very well be that you're right. It might explain why he still keeps up his Facebook status as 'in relationship with...'.

If he's doing this to get his way, isn't 3 weeks a long time to ignore someone in order to get your way? And why does he keep ignoring me even though I already emailed him I'm working on my problems?

How can I show him my 'progress' if he keeps ignoring me? It's doesn't sound logical to me

What!! I hope you've at least changed yours!



There's no guarantee that's what he's doing, but in my (similar) situation, the guy waited 3 months before pulling the 'oh but I thought we were going to get back together' crap- the same day I told him I was seeing someone else.



I suppose the point I was trying to make was that you really ought to forget him. Let him ignore you and don't contact him again.

You may have problems that need working on; most people do. But that's either for you to work on by yourself or for the pair of you to work on. The way he's going about this, dumping you until you do what he wants, is class A creepy and manipulative, nevermind illogical!