For those of you Aspies who did a break up...

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I get a vibe that this thread is personal to the thread starter..

ex is ex for a reason.. I wouldn't use the replies in this thread to get your hopes up, because in the end it doesn't make any difference as each person's case is different.

Good luck though.

thanks for all your replies

You're right about that, hale_bopp. I am trying to get a little more understanding of how people with Asperger's syndrome handle a break up. The way he broke up with me was just really painful and confusing, cutting off all contact etc even though I didn't even stalk him. He told me it was just a time out, but he left me wondering if he'll ever come back, because now he's giving me the cold shoulder. I'm just wondering if the 'cold shoulder' is normal for people with the syndrome (even in the cases when they have come back after some time).

I'm losing more and more hope with each passing day, because it's almost been a month since I've heard from him. I think if he would really want to get back together, he wouldn't ignore me for a month or more...

You do however sound like he could take it as stalking if you are emailing him alot, calling him etc..

Just leave him alone and move on.

I dont think he will come back as he has cut off all contact. You should not want him back anyway as he is an @rse!

To make sure I would advise you not to date someone else for 4-6 months as then he has time to change his mind and come back and you will know you gave him plenty of time. But dont contact him, he may well contact you if you give him a chance to miss you (by not contacting him).

thanks for the advise. I am not contacting him anymore (I started the no contact about 1,5 week ago). All I can do for now is trying to move on, and well, if he does contact me, that would be a welcome surprise.

I also don't think he'll come back. If he wanted to get back together (and this would indeed be just a 'time out') he wouldn't ignore me I think.

I think what you have experienced is b/c the guy is cowardly and inmature, not b/c he is an Aspie. I read your other post too btw.

I am an aspie and I tried with all my heart to save my relationship, it took me 18 months of hell, betrayal, pain and suffering to finally give up after things getting so bad it was a bad environment to raise children or thrive as a human being. As an aspie, I prefer to stay with the same ppl I've trusted a long time and I am very loyal. I see a lot of those qualities in other posters too. I realize some aspies aren't loyal, or honest, but my "brand" or personal experience of aspiness includes brutal honesty, loyality, trust as a basis for love and little fear of confrontation if I beleive it will make things right.

Be glad you didn't invest more and think of it as a stepping stone to your true love later in life. I am so sorry you are going through this, my very first love did this to me after a few years of dating off and on, talking marriage and future, getting close to one anothers family... then he just... disappeared. Years later I found out he was gay. Go figure. I just wish the guy would have TOLD me! Then I wouldn't have spent the next several months and even wondering once in awhile for yrs what in the world happened, writing sad poetry and wishing for something that would have made my life misreable.

I'm sorry that happened to you. If he would just have told you about him being gay, then it would have been far easier to deal with the break up I think...

I first thought the way he's ignoring me for almost a month now had something to do with his Asperger's because I read stories like that in the Aspie style break up topic. But now I see this behaviour may not at all be because of his Asperger's.

Either way, it's very hard to get over it. I'm left with a lot of questions about the situation. He told me many things. It's just a time out, I can win him back etc etc. and he would be there for me as a friend. I just don't know what to believe. If this were only a time out, then I would assume he wouldn't ignore me? He completely shuts me out, of everything...his mother had to go to the hospital last week for an operation (he told me the date before the break up) and he doesn't even tell me anything about it. I feel really left out.

I do know I made mistakes and I worried too much and overreacted in some situations in the past, but I really want to work on my problems. He also wanted me to work on it, but now it seems like he doesn't give me a chance...

I would advise the opposite. I say go ahead and start dating. And by dating, I mean something a little bit more casual than an actual serious relationship. If you have a great time with some guy and things happen, so what? Your ex dumped you, you're free to do as you please.

What I WOULDN'T do: DON'T jump immediately into something too physical. I think you're still holding out for your ex, and with all the ambiguity it would be unfair to get caught up in something you don't really want when you MIGHT get your ex back. Let him know what you're doing--just "going out," that's all, cuz you're bored on a Friday night (and single)--and he might come slithering back. It would be unfair, I think not to give him the benefit of a doubt.

If ya get nothing from your ex, hold out for just 3 more weeks. Don't stop your dating schedule. At the end of that time, make that your last phone call. If the second chance doesn't work out, either, go somewhere fun and celebrate your freedom!

[/me shuts up now, said enough on the other post]

@OhNowIGetIt: Your experience sounds almost exactly like a friend of mine. Do I know you IRL?

Well, YEAH, if he'd told me he was gay Id have at least known there wasn't anything I could do! It wasn't me! lol, can laugh now... twenty yrs later.

I can sense you care about this person and want to try... but try to change about yourself only what YOU deem necessary to change not for him. He sounds like he is playing mind games, not to even reply or state HOW you were going to move on in all this. Sounds like HE would be the one feeling better after your "talk" b/c he wasn't going to deal with the issue anymore at all. This avoidant crap is not healthy soil for true love to grow, IMHO. If he ever did come back around there would be a LOT of explaining to do b4 he deserves to even get his foot in the door, again, my opinion.

Hope all the best for you, and some peace.

You're right about changing only what I think is necessary.

I just don't know what he's trying to achieve with this ignoring stuff. He wants me to show him I've changed some things in order to win him back, but now, it's like he won't let me show it to him. By ignoring emails, calls etc he doesn't really give me a chance. He won't let me talk to him about the fact I'm working on my problems. So I don't know what he wants to achieve with these mind games. So he's got me stuck, basically.

I would assume if he'd really care for me and miss me, he wouldn't ignore me for a month and would also want to see me again. We live so close to each other (about 200 meters). It's like he doesn't miss me at all. I'm doubting his feelings for me very much at the moment. He always told me after we had not seen eachother for 2 days or so, he had missed me so much.

If he'd come back after some time, there would indeed be a lot of explaining to do! I doubt I even want him back if he keeps acting like this for some more weeks or even months.

Perhaps he's avoiding you because he's very hurt & upset about some things & maybe being around you OP could bring painful feelings out of him. Some Aspies do things like that because they are overwhelmed by things & are trying to protect themselves. He is being very inconsiderate of your feelings thou & the longer this goes on; the less likely he is to be interested in getting back together. You need to try to move on because he may never come back & he is being extremely unfair to you by expecting you to wait around for him

After my only not-so-very-serious-or-long relationship, my ex and I have remained friends, though I harboured feelings for her for quite a while, even after she already got another boyfriend. We essentially went back to the way we were before our relationships. I would imagine I'd prefer this to happen if I ever got into a relationship again.

I also observed a very similar situation when another Aspie I know broke up with his long-time girlfriend (several years). They are still friends.

I cannot say anything about winning a person back. It all depends on what feelings are still left.

Could it be that after some weeks the feelings of being hurt and upset and the need of protecting himself will subside and maybe he does want to get together again by the time they've subsided? Does that happen in people with Asperger's who react this way? Or does that never happen? I don't want to have false hopes

It's possible but I think it's just as often that they don't want to get back together after those feelings subside. How long has he been avoiding you? I think he likely won't come back if it's been more than a couple weeks. It shouldn't take more than a week or so to calm down about things & if it takes more; something is majorly wrong

a month now

I don't think he's going to come back. Some Aspies & NTs as well do that because they don't want to initiate the break up or because they aren't quite sure they want to break up at the time & want space to think. Most Aspies do need space at times but it shouldn't take a month for em to relax. If it does take that long; he will likely need lots of space in the relationship which would probably be very hard for both of you to deal with