Love and personal happiness

Post Reply New Topic

Just do what most of the men here do and stick to porn, you know it makes sense

Being in a relationship is no guarantee that you'll be 'holding someones hand when you die', no matter how morbidly poetic that sounds.

Being single also doesn't guarantee you'll die alone.

I think a lot of peoples' unhappiness over singlehood is due to a black/white view of it.

Everybody dies alone. It isn't dying alone that should scare anyone. It's living alone. Man is a social animal and society has immense benefits, hence why we give society so much leeway even though human beings roundly hate social interference. The math of social benefit overwhelms individualism. Otherwise, we'd all still be fur trappers and frontiersmen.

And I'll be blunt there. It's easy to foster a defense mechanism of "I don't need anyone" to justify a life of loneliness. Human beings justify a lot of bad situations to insulate their egos from harm.

- - -

As for impressing women, I'll make the point that a smile and a hello are powerful things.

For the more hardcore autistic types in the group, I'd also recommend just studying people in the dating environment. (Don't take anything you see too seriously.) One of my favorite things when I travel internationally is to sit down in a corner of a nightclub and just watch how the dating rituals differ in every country. It's actually quite entertaining in itself to just go all Jane Goodall and go study the humans.

Again, though, don't take anything you see to seriously. And when you get the pattern, go try it yourself. Just be friendly and don't take anything that happens personally.

Someone has to go first. The other person is SOL.

"If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it", comes to mind.

It puzzles me how someone can say everyone dies alone. Many people die surrounded by loved ones. You also seem to think that those of us that are single are automatically lonely. This may be the case for a lot of people, but it certainly isn't the case for everyone. Many of us have plenty of other loved ones and loneliness just doesn't factor in. A lot are even happiest alone. It's all very individualistic.

My death: one person on a journey with no destination and very poor lighting. Sounds pretty alone to me.

Of all the things that should impress upon you the value of enjoying life and enjoying other people while you can, the finality of death ought to rate pretty high.

As for the unremitting joys of individualism . . . there's just very little evidence that human beings work that way. A dog without a pack wants a pack. There is no reason to believe that humans, as social animals, are any different. The big difference is that the human ego insulates itself deeply from anything that might unhinge the sense of self. This defends our minds in bad times, but it also has the net effect of preventing us from doing everything it takes to lead fulfilling lives.

Mind you, I'm not advocating the notion of "you're nobody til somebody loves you". I'm not. In fact, that attitude can be a path to destruction in itself.

But, anytime we think about how we work in isolation, it's worth at least pondering whether we're just skirting the issue of "why am I isolated?"

Certainly if a person says it is upsetting to them to feel isolated, which is what the OP is expressing, we should not jump to suggest that a life of being a hermit is an option worth considering. Any psychological analysis and help should be couched within a reality that the person in question finds positive, affirming and worth aspiring to. The OP clearly aspires to a life with a meaningful relationship.

It might help to clear muddy waters to just ask @seoulgamer a simple question: in the best of scenarios you can imagine, would your life involve a significant other?

You're preaching to the wrong person. I just disagree with your assertion that we all die alone.



There's a difference between being single and feeling isolated.



Where did I say being alone was a viable option for the OP?

"It might help to clear muddy waters to just ask @seoulgamer a simple question: in the best of scenarios you can imagine, would your life involve a significant other?"

Yes, it would.

I personally just don't think I can perform well enough to achieve such a thing, nor do I feel I really want to struggle to be good enough for someone else's standards. I'm not looking for encouragement, more like floating the idea that perhaps we're all taking this too seriously. If the battle to be accepted by the person you desire detracts from your personal happiness, then it's not worth being bitter over your failure to succeed.

"I think a lot of peoples' unhappiness over singlehood is due to a black/white view of it."

Some people are unhappy about it because they believe it proves that they are not worthy of a partner. I think that it is not worth allowing such a belief to destroy your own happiness.

"And I'll be blunt there. It's easy to foster a defense mechanism of "I don't need anyone" to justify a life of loneliness. Human beings justify a lot of bad situations to insulate their egos from harm. "

I do need love and acceptance, as does any human being. The fact that this might not come from a woman is something that I choose not to see in a negative light. A life without a partner does not need to be justified, only filled with enriching experiences.

As for the idea of dying alone, this isn't an issue for me. Whether one marries or not, the final days of a person's life are uniquely challenging and lonely no matter what.

Not really used to the quoting system yet, so forgive my use of quotation marks to indicate what previous posters have stated.

There are many reasons why some are unhappy being single. For quite a few people, they may even have several reasons.

I personally prefer being alone, but like to know I'm welcome and even desired by some. I suppose I like to have the option of being with someone, even if I don't often desire it.

I'm actually finding some of the replies people made to the thread kind of confusing. Don't know how people usually introduce themselves here, but I seem to just have ended up repeating myself too much...

I don't know if I have any answer to that. I sympathize with the exhaustion that a lot of folks with AS experience in trying to function within a NT set of norms. I don't experience much bitterness about it, though.

I do consider the aspiration to function in a relationship a worthwhile pursuit. I wouldn't want to get to the point where it fostered a lot of negative feelings.

It's a tough call. Personally, I think it's worth the effort.

I don't really know what to think about it, to be honest. I'm never going to be strutting my stuff as an uber-confident Alpha type, since I'm just not that kind of person, but apparently that's the fundamental key to building any kind of attraction with women.

Then you have women posting who think that whole concept "belongs in a zoo" (made me laugh) so I don't know what to believe.

Makes me wonder how my parents coped without the internet. There wasn't any online guides on how to attract people, so logically I should never have been born.

I just think it's a dumb approach that only attracts dumb women. Luckily for the dumb men of the world most people are dumb, so there are plenty of dumb women out there for them.

As far as achieving personal happiness without having a romantic partner: heck yeah! It really depends on your personality and emotional/ sexual needs, as well as whether or not you have enriching relationships with family and/ or friends. If you find it discouraging and tiring or just out of the scope of your ability, let it rest. You may feel differently about it in a year or two or ten. In the meanwhile, I like your attitude!

First off, the Alpha male strut is junk science from the PUA community, itself a weird sort human brain hacking consortium for the awkward penguin types who've decided that p**** is more important than dignity. That's not to say some of it isn't interesting. But, the same could be said for the Unabomber Manifesto, too.

The problem with that whole wannabe Alpha male culture is that it conflates good things (confidence) with bad things (strutting). To my mind, if you need to strut to approach and engage women, you're faking it.

What I would say is try your level best to be the best, most confident version of yourself. Not to delve too deep into stereotypes, but aspies often don't do the best job of presenting their case to the opposite sex. In the extreme cases, you're talking grooming issues and attitude problems. In the more mild cases, it's just a failure to present interest in an obvious way.

The truth is that NTs suffer the same fears we suffer. Make no mistake about it. The fact is they fake it better than we do, but that's just how it broke for you. Faking it requires either a creepy dedication to pretense (strutting) or an intuitive gift for bullshitting.

The best advice I can offer is focus on the easily fixable things.

First, find a personal style that works for you. Style is a fun journey in itself, especially if you have some resources. Just don't buy into someone else's definition of fashion, because you'll look like a ten year old wearing hand-me-downs. This is easier in the year 2011, because being unfashionable is the highest form of fashion, so fire away. And, also, please for the love of god don't think wearing a t-shirt and jeans is a fashion . . . unless you look like Brad Pitt, no it isn't. And even Brad Pitt still looked cooler wearing a vintage motorcycle jacket.

Second, learn to just say hello to everyone. I travel solo almost everywhere. And you would s**t to hear what just saying hello to random people can accomplish. I've drank a lot of free booze in my time thanks to a willingness to say hello to any group of people. And a group of people having fun rarely fails to attract women. I have invites to places all over the world and most came from just saying "hello" (protip: always keep a pen and paper on you to write down phone numbers, emails and Facebook handles).

Don't sweat the strutting. That's just BS. It's not about strutting. It's about real confidence. Real confidence means saying hello and seeing where it leads. Real confidence means wearing whatever you wear well. Real confidence is saying what you want to say and knowing that whatever interests you represents the coolest and best you there is.

For someone with AS, what you feel is a weakness can often be a strength. All the odd duck awkwardness of your youth, all the nerdy interests, all the quirks are all things that make you different and interesting. Aspies get beaten down as kids and then they never recover as adults.

What's funny about that is that a confident aspie is often the most interesting person in the room. As a group, we often have a different sense of humor than everyone else. When we're not shrinking from social interactions, we often can carry a conversation a lot longer.

The biggest thing I'd advise is take an interest in humanity. Go say hello. Set aside all those reservations from your awkward childhood.

Go find a place that you find interesting. I love live jazz music. I go where it is and I have a great time every time I do. I like to sneak out for a breather and just chat up whoever is standing around. I like to chat up the musicians on their breaks. And it has to be said, the average single chick in her 20s or 30s who goes to a jazz club has already been pre-screened for awesomeness. Also, she tends to bring several friends with her.

What interests you? What might interest you that you've never tried?

Think about those things and try to build a lifestyle around seeking them out. Explore some stuff that pushes you a bit. You'll find people anywhere you go to try these things. Interact with them. On the nights you don't feel social, hide in a corner and study them interacting (playing Jane Goodall is immense fun in itself).

I hate to see aspies afraid to go out and meet people. Especially the male aspies who worry about meeting the opposite sex. We're not birds. It ain't about her being attracted to you. It's about you going over to her. And even if it doesn't work, you'll be surprised how many cool people you meet along the way.

Go out. Go to places that sort of screen for your interests. Get comfortable being around people. Get comfortable just talking to random people. You'll be surprised how much flows from that.

Marry me.