Should Aspies marry Aspies?

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nemorosa
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11 Oct 2011, 1:41 pm

Callista wrote:

nemorosa wrote:

Nobody should marry. Going on 20 years with the same person and no inclination to marry. I cannot fathom the purpose.

Maybe not for you, but there's plenty of reason for the people who do marry.

Marriage allows people to have a convenient legal way to pool resources and declare ownership of property and custody of children after one or the other dies. It also gives them medical and financial power of attorney over each other when one or the other becomes incapacitated. If they are not married, they have to hire lawyers to do all this stuff separately. (And I hope you have. My mom and her boyfriend had this problem: She was not allowed to make medical decisions for him when he was unconscious and dying, because they were not married.)

It formalizes their commitment to each other.

It allows for a public ceremony that lets them tell the whole world they now consider themselves a family.

It serves as a rite of passage in our culture, initiating the couple into full adulthood.

Okay, maybe you're not into marriage; but there really are plenty of reasons for it. If you want to study further, I suggest you look up some sites talking about the issue of gay marriage, especially in the US where the debate is particularly hard-fought. Reading about the people who want to be married, and can't be, might give you a good picture of why marriage is so important to so many people.

I understand perfectly well the reasons that people claim to justify marriage, but apart from the medical and financial powers which are quite sensible, practical and prudent, what you have told me are remote and alien concepts which I could never understand or relate to.

My relationship is between me and one other person. I do not care what anyone else thinks or does not think about it. Formalising commitment, public ceremony and rites of passage are irrelevant. I get that some people think all those things are just super, but I just happen to think they are weird, bizarre and without meaning or value. Rather like watching people morris dancing, you just have to wonder when they took leave of their senses.

LittleBlackCat
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11 Oct 2011, 5:58 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:

I think that aspies should marry whoever they want.

^This. Or stay single. Or live together unmarried. Whatever works for them really. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

hartzofspace
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11 Oct 2011, 7:36 pm

nemorosa wrote:

Callista wrote:

nemorosa wrote:

Nobody should marry. Going on 20 years with the same person and no inclination to marry. I cannot fathom the purpose.

I sort of agree with both viewpoints here. At first, I wondered why people made such a fuss about marriage. But now that I am engaged, I realize that while weddings are a real turn off for myself and my fiance, the wisdom of tying the knot now makes sense. I still feel that my relationship is my own business, but we are older and want the security that marriage entails. Amongst other things, we intend to draw up living wills so that there is no confusion if one of us gets really sick.

BTW, we are both Aspies.

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aspie48
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11 Oct 2011, 7:38 pm

i would.

hyperlexian
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11 Oct 2011, 7:45 pm

moved from General Autism Discussion to Love & Dating.

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Joker
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11 Oct 2011, 8:04 pm

Should NT's and NT's get married?

And my answer to the origianl qeustion would be yes

nick007
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11 Oct 2011, 8:36 pm

League_Girl wrote:

I think they should marry whoever they want. I have he.ard that lot of AS/AS relationships fail due to the traits of it like "lack of empathy" and the rigidness, the inflexibility.

I heard that too but that is NOT a problem with me & my Aspie girl in our relationship & I think we are a lot more empathetic with each other than an NTs would be with us. The only previous relationship I had was with a very atypical NT(she had sever ADHD, dyslexia & some OCD). I had no luck but bad trying to find someone sense till Megz & I'm pretty sure mose of the women I was meeting online & off were NTs so I do think Aspies can have better luck with fellow Aspies however Aspies can be extremely difficult to find(especially in rural areas where there's little awareness). Also the ratio of Aspie guys to Aspie girls is 4 to 1 & it tends to be harder for Aspie guys to get dates with women than it is for Aspie women to get dates with men due to the typical social rules with dating & relationships so Aspie guys can have an extremely difficult time trying to find an Aspie girl sense there's not enough for all the Aspie guys so lots of Aspie guys will be alone if they limit themselves to Aspie women. Just cuz an Aspie partner may be ideal; doesn't mean it's likely to find

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hartzofspace
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11 Oct 2011, 9:13 pm

nick007 wrote:

Also the ratio of Aspie guys to Aspie girls is 4 to 1 & it tends to be harder for Aspie guys to get dates with women than it is for Aspie women to get dates with men due to the typical social rules with dating & relationships

I think it is just as hard for Aspie women to get dates. I went over 10 years without a guy, because of social awkwardness and only attracting guys that wanted to harass or bully me.

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hale_bopp
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11 Oct 2011, 9:38 pm

If they like another aspie and are compatible.. sure.

It depends on the people.

I tend to frown upon judging someone because of their neurological state though.

Todesking
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12 Oct 2011, 1:37 am

Tuttle wrote:

My plan is having children who are likely autistic but homeschool them. Homeschooling when done well works out really well for kids (including autistic ones)

Homeschooling might be the worst thing you can do for an autistic child in my opinion. The kid will have no experience interacting with people making them even weirder. Autistic children need as much interaction with NTs as possible no matter how much it hurts. I had a rough time at school but I learned how to properly interact with NTs. It takes NT's a bit longer to figure out I am weird after first contact with me. I did not develope that ability sitting alone on a couch being taught by my parents. :wink:

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12 Oct 2011, 2:36 am

I am in an AS/AS marriage with a HFA child and a NT child. Oddly enough, the NT child is the "odd" one in many ways. Even before any of us were diagnosed, I was looking at my NT child wondering how on earth two introverts were supposed to socially support this little social butterfly extrovert. Now, I have a better understanding of why I felt that way.

Does having an AS/AS marriage work better? I don't know. I do know that if my husband and I hadn't started dating in high school, I would have struggled to find a spouse, and he likely would not have ever gotten married, just because he never even dated anyone else, and probably never would have put any effort into doing so. There are times that it is very difficult, because we each have struggles with communication. And, just because we are both AS, doesn't mean we think the same ways. We are very different people. I am much more extroverted (even though I am still very much an introvert at heart), and he is totally introverted. He would be happy living by himself and working from home and never having to have any human contact at all. I love human contact, and would talk to a rock if I thought it would listen (or so my mother has told me many times). I just come home later and hide in my room with a book to recharge my "batteries".

One down side with both of us being fairly introverted (AS or not), is that we have almost no support system. Which is hard on anyone, but when you add challenging kids and health issues, it can be really rough. It would be nice to have an NT adult in the mix to be that social person to help provide a support system.

On another topic brought up here...My kids have both been in a small, private school, but at the beginning of this year, my HFA son was struggling so much that the school decided that they were no longer capable of dealing with him. So, I am homeschooling him for the foreseeable future. I was bullied a lot in school, and I am really afraid for my son with some of his behaviors. My younger son is still at the private school. While it would be easier in some ways to homeschool both of them, I have decided against it mainly because my younger son really needs the social outlet at school, and my husband, my HFA son, and I would easily become hermits if we were not forced to get out and do things with the school. So, we do all the school activities, and I take my HFA son with me to pick up his brother and I let them both play on the playground with their friends, and I try to give them both extra time to socialize. We are working on getting to know other homeschoolers in the area, and we are working on other ways to make sure my HFA son gets the social interaction he needs. I am just trying to keep it a bit more protected so that he doesn't get bullied for now.

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12 Oct 2011, 11:31 am

It sounds like it should make more sense an aspie dating an aspie, but I think it really depends on the people involved no matter if they are AS or NT. Being an aspie is only a part of who you are, so you can't guarantee you will get on with another aspie just because you are one too.

spirtualpatterns
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14 Oct 2011, 11:19 am

Blindspot149 wrote:

Should? No idea.

My experience.

I married an NT and from another culture too and I attribute both of those factors to the fact that we are still married - 20+ years on.

I don't think I could have endured living with someone like me for more than a few months

Aspergers is challenging enough for me and I can't imagine having to cope with (or assist with helping with) someone else's Autism. I imagine it would be one enormous anxiety vortex.

Looking back, it's clear that my wife has been my seeing eye dog for things 'social' and she has far more patience than is typical of women from my birth culture.

if I may ask with out meaning to offend sir what ethnic background?

Megz
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14 Oct 2011, 8:38 pm

nick007 wrote:

League_Girl wrote:

I think they should marry whoever they want. I have he.ard that lot of AS/AS relationships fail due to the traits of it like "lack of empathy" and the rigidness, the inflexibility.

I heard that too but that is NOT a problem with me & my Aspie girl in our relationship & I think we are a lot more empathetic with each other than an NTs would be with us.

I still have to remind myself, "hey, he's talking about me."

I think autism is such a big part of who I am, it would be difficult for me to have an intimate relationship with someone who could never fully understand my perspective. I could explain it to them, and have them read 100 books on autism, but they can never fully understand without experiencing it first hand. I would feel separated from them, and I would worry that they secretly thought less of me because of it.

I also don't really see the point of marriage. My girly side still wants a big fancy wedding, but my practical side doesn't see the point. It just seems like a big expense that complicates things if the couple ever decides they don't want to be together anymore. Especially if the couple plans on never having children.

bruinsy33
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14 Oct 2011, 8:54 pm

hartzofspace wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think it is just as hard for Aspie women to get dates. I went over 10 years without a guy, because of social awkwardness and only attracting guys that wanted to harass or bully me.

Perhaps it is equally hard to find the ''right '' person for both sexes but in general men are supposed to be the initiators in relationships[although women generally start the encounter by flirting but most Aspie men will not recognize it and be oblivious to it] and do the initial asking out and that is a formidable task for most Aspie men .

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