Giving up on the idea of marriage/kids, geting too old?

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Yeah it is hard to start talking to someone you don't know out of the blue. Seeing as you've tried joining clubs and haven't had much luck I still think finding the right therapist could help with this, but I've been through a lot of BS asking for help from therapists it's really hard to find someone who can help with a problem like this. I'm actually trying to put pressure on the mental health system in my city to develop better resources for adults with developmental disabilities. I find that Kerry's Place in my area does really try to deal with these exact issues. So that people don't end up in our situations. Anyway don't give up completely yet try to have a little more faith even though it is really hard. I've already given up on marriage myself but I'm not going to give up on forming sexual and even non sexual relationships. Having babies is something that I definitely have given up on and I have no regrets or bitterness towards that, because I know it's not worth pursuing. Even though it could kill every relationship I ever have.

I'm 36 and haven't ever fully supported myself, so I can't even say I'd be able to manage a 50/50 split of a household.

I find it impossible. I used to make attempts at it when I was younger, but always seemed to run into the ones that weren't available or weren't at all interested. I suppose it is easier when you know someone is giving you a green light, but all I ever see are red lights.


Ironically, I have a general therapist I've been seeing for years, and it was her recommendation that I make an attempt at trying to date. Prior to the current semester, I had the idea that I was going to have to put off dating for the next 4 years while I was in school. I wanted to make school my #1 priority and didn't want to mess it up by crashing and burning in the course of trying meet & date. She didn't think that was such a good idea, and I pretty much believed her.

I'm going to look into other types of therapists, to see if they can offer any help. If nothing else, getting an honest appraisal of my views about sex might be beneficial. I'm not sure I have a healthy or realistic outlook on what is normal or proper (in doing some googling, I saw this statistic that totally blew my mind... 86 times a year??? I can't even imagine doing it that often!)

Don't give up hope! I got married and had a baby at 38. I was beginning to lose hope, too. I was lucky enough to find someone who understands me and let's me be myself. Good luck!

P.S. Born and raised in Madison - full of amazing people,so if that's where you are now I have hope that you'll find someone!

I'm not giving up hope totally, but trying to prepare myself if that window closes on me.


I f*****g hate this town for dating, it's almost impossible to meet people in such a huge town. I swear this town is like kryptonite to me. </end rant>

You're not exactly my type and a bit over my age limit (I'm only 25) but looking at you as a "big brother" of sorts I'll give you some advice on the ladies...since I am one myself and have been around all types and seen just about every play in the book.

Rule number one: just try and make her feel special. Don't go overboard with this especially too quickly but show interests, remember small things (like how to spell her name if it is spelt differently or what her favorite food/color/etc. is) and work from there. You don't want to show too much interest too fasat or too much as this will scare her off--trust me! Especially is she is on the spectrum and needs her space or to feel you out first (as I myself tend to do).

Rule number two: don't worry really about rules. Just take your time and be yourself. Open doors, show good manners, since this is "as good as it gets" as we ladies say...since once marriage comes the "game" is over and you've essentially won. Not that that means you stop doing these things but that if you haven't done them up to this point it's likely you never will.

Now from what I hear you don't have too much of a job and still live at home. This is a major no, no in the book of most respectable women who are looking for "Mr. Right." However, if you play your cards right you can find a very lovely lady who will be willing to work with you since you are from what it sounds like still obtaining your education and haven't yet fully settled in life.

What most women want is someone they can rely on, trust, depend upon, and be there for them--and if they're interested in kids, someone that can be a respectable father. Now I can't speak too much more on this issue since I wouldn't want to speak for all women but if you can see yourself at least somehow fulfulling this role and you genuinely don't give up I believe you will find someone one day.

Like a previous poster once stated, don't worry too much about the age thing. Although you might not be getting much "action" without a SO, you are male and thus have less to worry about on the biological clock thing. Besides, older men (with a touch of gray) are considered pretty sexy by today's society (just look at George Clooney) .

Women don't have it all figured out either and, if they're on the spectrum (even an ounce) they are probably just as scared as you are. The thing is to remember this but don't show it so much...at least not at first or admitedly (since women want someone strong and courageous...even if they know you are on the spectrum). It might help to just be friends first since this releases some of the sexual tension.

Well, good luck!

Well unfortunately the problem is that he's having trouble even talking to a girl he doesn't already know and so he doesn't get the chance to impress anyone with conversation. The girls he does know don't seem very interested, are too young, or already have boy friends. The other problem is that he's unsure if he can get a stable job faced with his disabilities and the current economy. Not to mention the fact that he feels his disabilities are going to greatly impair his ability to look after a child and basically be a father figure. Which is very realistic of him to be considering. People function differently on the spectrum some of us have it harder than others. I'm in the same boat as him I haven't had sex in almost 2years and I'm 23. All my relationships failed because of my AS and it's challenges, and my future ones could too. I also probably won't go to college or University till I'm older too.



Now I do think in the future he could go for a younger girl. I like older men and I find them very attractive. I'd marry a 40 year old if I were 30. A ten year gap is still exceptable. Last year I had a crush on my 45 year old tutor. Of course he looked like he was in his late 30s but still. If he gave me the opportunity to sleep with him just once I would've.

Anyway I'm sure he'll figure out what's best for him in the end, weather it's focusing on school or finding a new therapist to gain social skills. This good looking guy can be realistic but I also think that window can still be left open for now.

I havent given up, but I realise that it may not happen. I dont really know what is going to happen in my life. Sometimes I like that fact, and sometimes I wish I had more certainty.

I'm 27, in college, getting good grades, but at the moment unable to support myself since I don't have a job. At this very moment (until I get my bachelor's degree), I feel like others need the precious jobs more than me in this economy. I also fail to recognize about 90% of signs that a woman is interested in me. But also, if a woman expects me to catch subtle hints about interest in me instead of just, you know, TELL me, that will lose points to me. I might just go ahead and, unless I've known her for a ridiculously short time, directly tell her if I'm interested in her (more than just sexually) and risk rejection - even public rejection. However, I won't exaggerate my interest in a woman just so I can get a date.

I largely have the same problem with my major and interests being sausage-fests. The one woman in my game programming class is MARRIED. Ironically, it seems to be the married women who I find easier to talk to. Even before I find out they're married. I must not be the only guy who's interested in the kinds of women I'm interested in...

I don't know how to do this, though I know more of what not to do now.


No issues here. What about going dutch? Not being able to do to nice places to eat, only being able to afford going to cheap diners like Denny's? What about a general lack of imagination for what to do on dates? I have no idea what to do that's affordable in the town I'm now living in.


This is what I was thinking when I put myself out there again on a dating site. I even put out pretty much my entire situation, living at home, in school, no job, recovering alcoholic (why I'm listed as a non-drinker), etc. Pretty much everything that someone could find wrong with me, short of AS. I had the idea that if someone couldn't handle the dark side of me, that they weren't worthy of hanging out with me. I've since been told this is NOT a good idea to put on my profile and definitely not great 1st date conversation.


Ah, the kicker. I've spent the first 35 years of my life not being any of those things. Since getting my diagnosis last year, things have turned around and I've stopped beating myself up (brutally) over my shortcomings, which often appeared as being lazy, irresponsible, and unreliable. The biggest co-morbid problem along with AS has been a downright nasty sleep problem that I've since gotten a grip on. That sleep problem has caused me decades of heartache from missed appointment and job dismissals. Some of the organizational/executive functioning problems along with AS are works in progress, but as of right now? I don't really have a very long track record to work with.


I've been eagerly awaiting the day that gray would set in. I've spent most of my life looking 10-15 years younger than I actually am, which I'm sure hasn't helped.


I get that women are just as afraid as I am, but I have no idea when it's OK to let my guard down and when I should buck up. I've gotten burned pretty badly on showing too much, even with someone I was super serious with 4 years ago.

Any tips on how to do the friends thing? I don't really have anyone I'd call a close friend right now, so that's a foreign concept to me.


Thanks for the help, "little sis"!

Not exactly. I think I could do well as a parent, just not so much as a financial provider. I know the two are kinda intertwined, but I've been told I'm great with kids. I think that the part of me that's not quite developed helps me relate to kids better than other guys my age.


I guess I'm looking at it right now, but I haven't noticed many 30 year old girls putting 40 year old guys down on their "looking for" range online. It notice a TON of "xx to 35", where I often just miss the cut. Maybe I'll just have to revisit it in a few years.

Here is the good news: You are getting to an age in which more and more women you meet will be already established in their careers. You don't necessarily have to earn as much as them, especially since you are a student, and have the potential to earn more later. Some women have a problem with the income thing more than others. If they are earning enough, then your income will be less of a problem.

Was that really necessarily, relevant and good-timed to say?

Because he is a male, that's why.

Our brain is wired like this.

It's true that most new parents share financial support the house, but this instinct in males still exist, they have evolved in that direction since millions of years.

But it's extraordinarily limiting, especially for people like us. I never advise someone to lower their expectations, but I do routinely advise them to examine their expectations for reality.

BTW, I'm female (since birth) and my brain is wired like this, too. I don't think it's a male-only thing.

Original Poster, if you think you'd be good with kids, but not that great at being a consistent income-provider, why not be a house dad?

I know you're in the Midwest and maybe such a suggestion is anathema to your culture (I live in the relatively liberal Northeast), but it's a realistic solution. You just have to find a woman who'd be on board with that, or who could work with that.

If you're so unsure about your ability to hold down a job, why are you devoting so much time to your education right now? I guess what I'm asking is: what is the education going to buy you, and are you sure that it will, when you're all done?

How would one advertise this without significantly narrowing down the pool of women out there (a pool that seems awfully small as it is)? I'd totally be down with the idea, but I don't know how many women would be. The career path I'd like to go down (dietitian/nutritionist) might offer some flexibility to consult with patients 1 on 1 in some sort of home office setting.

I'm really unsure of how my past is going to play into getting jobs in the future. I didn't really think about it when I embarked upon school in January, but it's crossed my mind that potential employers are going to look at a 40 year old man just out of college and inquire about what he was doing before that (ie getting fired from every job I held down in a 5 year period, mental hospital visits, and several multi-year stretches of unemployment.) I have no idea how to sell myself to an employer right now, and I guess I had assumed that holding a degree from one of the top public universities in the US would be enough to get me in the door, especially if I do well in school and get a good internship after graduating. I'm not so sure it's going to be the walk in the park I thought it might be.