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Who else is unsure if they want kids?

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hyperlexian
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07 Nov 2011, 5:39 pm

i am unsure about having kids..... oooooops! (i don't get tired of making that joke :lol: ).

my kid is 17 now, and i admit that i am not completely over the idea of having more. not sure if i really can or not - had at least 4 miscarriages after one successful birth, 2 of which were complicated and required operations. i tried a treatment and it didn't help, though the doctor said she thought it would have worked eventually if i kept at it. my heart broke each time the miscarriages happened and i decided to stop trying for my mental health at the time. but i am stronger now.


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hanyo
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07 Nov 2011, 6:44 pm

I know I never want kids and never will. I don't like babies and don't want to have to take care of one. I can barely even take care of myself. Even in my Sims game I barely take care of my kids. I just keep calling the babysitter back every time they leave and let them do most of the child care.



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07 Nov 2011, 7:24 pm

I am sure I want kids, perhaps one. Two at the very most, no more.

What I dont know is if it will happen or not. i have a belief that whether we have kids or not is sometimes not really within our control. Some people plan for babies and they dont come and other people end up with them by accident. Some plan for them and they arrive.

There is no way of knowing what will happen in life. And I guess that with some people it is not meant to be. Some are happy with this and some are not.


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Dingus
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07 Nov 2011, 8:02 pm

My girlfriend and I would always say that we dont want and should not have kids.
Now then, by absolute chance, and the pill not exactly working, I've discovered that I am going to be a father (I dont want to use that word though).
So yeah...... I'm now coming to terms with my life completely changing and to be honest, I'm feeling
as if I have more reason to do better and do more and have less anxiety. I thought I would
be the exact opposite.
30 weeks to go!! ARGH!!



PM
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07 Nov 2011, 9:14 pm

I decided long ago that I did not want to procreate for a few personal reasons.


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Drakryttare
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08 Nov 2011, 5:23 am

LexF wrote:
Thank you for posting this, what you've written is perfectly in sync with my own feelings on the subject; it's rare that I run across anyone who understands any of this.


Thank you, before I moved to my current home city, who is a bit bigger than my old home town, I didn't know anyone who shared my view. Now I know four other women that have very similar feelings and their boyfriends. My own boyfriend (a very cute aspie, he has an account here) is the first boyfriend I had that had any opinion from the start (or dared to tell me from the start) and that was that he want a family containing him, me and no one else.

But to the point I'm trying to make: I don't think it's something that happens over night but I know it's possible to find someone that have a compatible view on the future even thou ones view is not common in ones culture. Under "Women's Discussion" there is a thread [url=http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt115371.html]Is There Anyone Who DOESN'T Want To Have Kids?[/url ]and it's 11 pages long.

LexF wrote:
I've heard all the arguments:

Don't you want someone to carry on your name? No, why would I care about something so frivolous as a sequence of letters being kept around after I'm dead?

Don't you want a little version of yourself running around? No, I'm not that egotistical. I have enough problems with the big version.

Don't you want to make sure there's someone around to take care of you when you're old? No, that seems malevolent and selfish to me.

Don't you want to pass your genes along? Not particularly, there's nothing all that special about my genes.

They'll say "But being a parent is so rewarding." When I ask them how, they stammer and end up saying "You wouldn't understand unless you had a kid."

No thanks. Next....


I recognize all but the first one :). I have also heard that it's obligatory to produce grandchildren to ones parents, but only from people who never meet my parents!



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08 Nov 2011, 6:39 am

blueroses wrote:
I guess I'm not necessarily looking for help figuring out my quandary, since it's very much a personal decision, but am interested in hearing people's views and feeling like I'm not alone in this.

I'm really not sure if I want kids at some point; all I know for sure is that I don't want them today. I was born to two teen parents, so I know the effects it can have on a child when a parent is unprepared to raise a child or doesn't actually want to be a parent. It's not a small decision or a commitment you can get out of, so I don't take it lightly.

At 28, I'd still feel like I have plenty of time to figure this out, except that many guys in my age group seem to feel very strongly one way or the other. About a year and a half ago, I wound up not getting back together with a guy I pretty much considered the love of my life because he very resolutely wanted kids and hoped to have them within a few years' time. I just couldn't say for sure I'd want the same once the time rolled around, so I couldn't commit to a long-term relationship. Now I'm seeing someone who absolutely does not want kids and I'm wondering if I could commit to a future where I know having them isn't an option. I realize I probably sound like a whiny flake, but I'm feeling like I just can't win here ...


In my opinion, I think you are being very wise in investing a lot of time/thought into your consideration regarding your decision about whether to have children one day. End of the day, the crux of the matter is that the decision is yours!



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08 Nov 2011, 6:40 am

dogslife wrote:
I'm the same way - I'm not 100% in the mindset of "I will never have kids!" but at the same time, I'm not sure that I want to have any. It would be via adoption if I did, though. I think ultimately if I have a long-term significant other who feels really strongly one way or the other, I'd go with it.

I think 28 is still pretty young and you definitely have time to not worry about having kids for awhile, but I can see where you'd be concerned about resolutely committing to someone who will never want kids if it's something you think you might want in the future.



Well said!



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08 Nov 2011, 6:50 am

[quote="mv"]I disagree, 28 is still plenty young. (I had no problems whatsoever conceiving at 35 and 37. I think the modern media is often overblown in their reporting.) If you are ambivalent, even a little bit, don't have children. It's not a mistake you can fix.[/quote


MV,

+1,000,000,000,000!! ! Children are a long-term commitment and responsibility. Once you become a parent, you can't just change your mind and say, "Oh well, I don't want to do this anymore ....." Having a child is not like having a pet - you can't just give the child to a neighbor or friend like you can with a pet you don't want anymore because suddenly it has become inconvenient to your life! Go figure!



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08 Nov 2011, 6:55 am

LexF wrote:
I definitely, absolutely, positively do not want kids.


And that decision is purely yours to make! Good for you that you are certain about your stance!



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08 Nov 2011, 6:57 am

Dingus wrote:
My girlfriend and I would always say that we dont want and should not have kids.
Now then, by absolute chance, and the pill not exactly working, I've discovered that I am going to be a father (I dont want to use that word though).
So yeah...... I'm now coming to terms with my life completely changing and to be honest, I'm feeling
as if I have more reason to do better and do more and have less anxiety. I thought I would
be the exact opposite.
30 weeks to go!! ARGH!!


Dingus

Good luck - I hope everything goes well! Keep us posted!



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08 Nov 2011, 7:07 am

LexF wrote:
Drakryttare wrote:
I have never had a desire to be a parent. There is nothing about it I consider desirable.

I don't think pregnancy is appealing.
I don't think taking care of a baby is appealing.
I don't think taking care of, living with and raising a small child is appealing.
I don't think taking care of, living with and raising a teenager is appealing.
I don't think visiting a young adult as her/his mother is appealing.

This is not considered normal by some and when I was a child my self it was considered a phase that I would get over.
As I grow older I come across people how seams to think wanting a child was obligatory for a young woman and that something was wrong with me or that I hated children. If I don't do the exact life choice they want in other aspects they where fine with it, but with this one was some kind of heresy.
An argument that I heard many times is that I one day will change my mind and be sorry if I can't get pregnant because of age, and therefore should have a child when I can even thou I don't want too. I have found this somewhat horrible that these people seriously suggest that the creation and childhood of a human being (not to mention a lifelong responsibility after that) is something you should initiate "just in case".

When defending my self from people who seams to think reproduction is obligatory I found it helpful to list things against having a child, like above. Often they can't even say why they themselves want a child in a structured manner (which only means that they haven't thought about it that way, many are still quite young). Often they resort to listing things not connected to the decision ("But then you can't buy toy's! You will never get to play again." "Why do I need a kid to buy toys? I can buy toys whenever I want to, and play with them for that matter.").

My advice (who might or might not suit you) is to think about what it is you want when you think about having kids, do the thinking not done by the person with the "toy-argument". Do you look forward to something in particular or something in general? Or do you find that you don't like any part of it?


Thank you for posting this, what you've written is perfectly in sync with my own feelings on the subject; it's rare that I run across anyone who understands any of this.

When I was a kid, I thought it was mandatory for people to grow up and reproduce. I remember my Mom saying "You''ll understand when you have kids of your own." Not IF, but WHEN.

It was years later before I realized I actually had a choice in the matter.

I find that most women simply are not interested in a guy who doesn't want kids. I think women are so conditioned to be mothers that they really don't believe there is anything more important to do in life. The choice has been made for them, by unthinking biology.

I make it very clear, when I'm first getting to know someone, that I do not want kids, and that I will not date anyone who has kids, or who plans to have them. Inevitably, they lie and tell me what they think I want to hear: "Oh, I don't want kids, either, they're dirty and messy and noisy and they smell bad...."

Three months into the relationship -- I could almost set my watch by this, if I had a watch -- they do a complete turnaround and now it's suddenly "I NEED A BAY-BEE!! !!"

Well, jeez, if you wanted someone who was OK with that, why didn't you just go after THAT guy in the first place?

Time after time after time, they try to change me into a domesticated cardboard cutout of a brain-dead sitcom dad. Time after time after time, that ends the relationship.

I believe there must be some sort of award given to a woman who can change a committed non-breeder into a dad. There must be, because so many of them are so interested in doing just that.

I've heard all the arguments:

Don't you want someone to carry on your name? No, why would I care about something so frivolous as a sequence of letters being kept around after I'm dead?

Don't you want a little version of yourself running around? No, I'm not that egotistical. I have enough problems with the big version.

Don't you want to make sure there's someone around to take care of you when you're old? No, that seems malevolent and selfish to me.

Don't you want to pass your genes along? Not particularly, there's nothing all that special about my genes.

They'll say "But being a parent is so rewarding." When I ask them how, they stammer and end up saying "You wouldn't understand unless you had a kid."

No thanks. Next....



Unfortunately, some people feel the need to impose their will on others as if it is their right to tell someone how to live their life. It begs the question: do they realize that the decision to have children is a personal, private matter (like religion)? Apparently not!

Where I live in NC, it's a common occurrence that some people feel compelled to come knocking on your door selling you their version of God!

No thanks. Next......



The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Nov 2011, 7:14 am

I waiting for my turn to get a reply from HopefulRomantic.



HopefulRomantic
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08 Nov 2011, 8:12 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I waiting for my turn to get a reply from HopefulRomantic.



Well Boo Bond - your wish is granted! LOL. So, can you share any of your latest secret agent adventures with us??

Actually, in all seriousness, the decision to have/not to have children is so critical due to the long-term commitment (financial, time, social, personal) and associated responsibility. For this reason, I maintain the following opinions: (1) heavily weighing the risks/costs/benefits/rewards on a personal level is key and essential and (2) it's a personal, private matter - busybodies should mind their own business and not try to impose their will on someone else!



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08 Nov 2011, 8:27 am

HopefulRomantic wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I waiting for my turn to get a reply from HopefulRomantic.



Well Boo Bond - your wish is granted! LOL. So, can you share any of your latest secret agent adventures with us??



Yes, my current mission is related to you. I am monitoring your bathroom.



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08 Nov 2011, 10:48 am

Unsure? For me I am completely sure no new lives will ever come from me.


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