Why do people "play hard to get"?

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all that make-believe game playing sucks big wind. why can't people just be real for christ's sake?

I'd tend to think that the person was a) too big for their boots and b) simply not worth the trouble. Those kinds of women get ignored by me.

^^^^yes

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This is me totally! I cannot tell if someone is flirting. I am a very verbal person. I dated a guy for about a month, and didn't even know we were dating until he said we were. I wish that guys would just come up to me, and say they were interested. I think I might have missed some opportunities because I'm so naive. If I'm interested in them, I tend to get very quiet and shy around them.

First off, not everyone who is hard to get is "playing". Some folks suck so badly at reading others that it's hard for us to know when to respond.

Second, it works. I don't play hard to get, but as an aspie I've watched women go insane because I didn't respond in the expected manner. Nothing turns a woman on more than an attractive guy who doesn't need her.

When you don't respond to another person's advances, it's often taken in neutrotyicpal terms as confidence. It's certainly perceived as a lack of desperation. It's sometimes perceived as being very gentlemanly. And, it puts women right off the deep end.

Third, as the person being pursued, it's an ego boost. It's fun to watch someone else totally lose their s**t trying to get you to fall in love with them.

Fourth, it's an excellent screen for people who are just trying to pick the low-hanging fruit. You reject the first advance almost by default. And this has the net effect of screening people who are just looking for an easy lay or a confidence boost or a free drink.

Yes, that would be the classy transition from "not dating" to "dating." He was being suave.

Don't berate yourself because of that tactic. Totally on him.



It's easiest to choose dates from the guys who approach you. Get more guys to approach you by... well, flirting a little. Longer eye contact, warm smiles, that sort of thing.

Even the Christ played it hard to get.

Thirded.

Thank you. You would think at 47 I'd know something like that. I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time. That guy turned out to be a player, and knew just what to say and do. I wish there was a dating class for Aspies.

I would flirt if I knew how. I do eye contact very well, and I'm starting to smile at guys a little more confidently. I do not approach guys and ask them out. I heard guys like to pursue you, and the better relationships are from those who pursue you. Not having any luck though.

I did buy a kitten so I'm not as lonely now. She sits beside me when I play my guitar and sing. I haven't pulled out my drums yet!!

People play hard to get because they want others to respect them more. Makes no sense, I know. But for many people, to show how much you like them, is a huge turn off. I don't understand this. But that's how it is for many people. So they want to hide they like you in order for you to chase them and respect them. Makes no sense.

And there are other things. Due to double sexual standards, women are not "allowed" to express their sexuality freely. So even if they want to have sex with a man, they must ensure a man respects them. And many (most of?) men don't respect a woman if she sleeps with them "too quickly". So a woman wants to build respect first and make the man wait before the sex because she doesn't want to be used.

Maybe there's an evolutionary advantage in this behaviour?

In nature many female animals would expect the males to work hard, to fight or display or similar in order to attract them and persuade them to mate. Maybe it's just a way of getting the other person to prove their interest in a more convincing way. If you're really interested you'll try harder, and won't give up at the first rejection. Proves you have staying power, strength, confidence, or something like that.

Besides, until recently a woman was viewed as being a bit 'easy' if she appeared too keen. I guess there's still elements of that around.

I'm not saying it's anything I'd do, or look for. Just that we are still animals.

I wouldn't use animals as an example. First of all, males try to be as pretty as they can to attract a (plain) female. This doesn't happen with people. Second of all, females usually mate with as many males as possible- they are not playing hard to get in any case!

I understand you weren't implying that they do, and I know this isn't why you mentioned animals. I'm just saying animals should never be used for any sort of explanation of human behavior. Humans have culture, and culture determines us more than biology. It's the whole nature vs nurture thing. I know, I deal with anthropological issues and we study these things a lot. Animal analogies can't be used for people.

Agreed, and its all the more complicated when you're too good at seeming aloof even when you don't want to be.

Nevertheless, I think there are certain parallels. In nature the male is often expected to prove his physical prowess or otherwise display good genes as in beauty (birds plumage, for example). So playing hard to get may have possibly originated with one of these rituals. And not all females mate with a bunch of males during the same season. Many animals choose one mate for the season and that's why he's expected to prove himself: in order to win the rights to the female. Some animals even mate for life. Like penguins. If I'm not mistaken their mating ritual involves a display of dancing and a presentation of fancy presents like pretty pebbles. Definately some paralells to be drawn there, eh?

There are certain parallels (and you're right: there are monogamous animals, or animals where male takes care of the offspring, etc.) However, the problem with animal analogies is that human behavior is so determined/controlled by culture and not nature. Even the most natural things, like eating, sleeping or mating are culturally specific. For example, it's near impossible to determine which part of gender behaviour in human is natural, because you can't find a person that's not raised withing the context of gender. Even toddlers are already put in this context so their behavior is determined by it. Not to mention that true differences in gender behaviour and mating can be studies only with the adults - and adults are so determined by their culture to tell which part of the behavior is natural.

It's a very serious issue in anthropology, and there's no definite answer to it.

But I am sure that the female "playing hard to get" (as in, "I don't want to have sex with you now even though I want it") is cultural.

I don't play hard to get, I am hard to get. I think too much so. I always thought my vibe was coming across as "friendly, but cautious" but it's apparently a lot less friendly (or a lot more cautious) than I think. Then again, it could just be the hyperanalytical mode I go into whenever I have to communicate with people I don't know well. What it filters to, in the NT mind, is not at all my intention.