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American Men dating in UK

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Aspie_Chav
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11 Nov 2011, 5:22 pm

Could be. This is the problem I feel that I am getting from online dating. I seem to get interest from those who like black men. Not only they are less likely to work but not ideal. And even though I got a ladies number that seem genuine, the experience has left me very depressed today. It seems like the Chavs have decided to give up large part of their life to join online dating



techstepgenr8tion
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11 Nov 2011, 5:33 pm

Online dating seems like the other extreme of bad - you get to know each other without any guarantee or signal of the most upfront unchangeable part which is chemistry.

If we look for chemistry first and do so on an extremely superficial basis - we miss all kinds of good prospects and of the prospects we even do want we're wrong on enough of them to where its slim pickings. If we look for personality only we discount chemistry too much and it comes back to bite us.

I don't know enough about Britain or how it works over there or what the pitfalls really are; for instance will the girls blow all kinds of smoke and lead you on for months even if you'd never do the same vice a verse? I'm sure its far from ideal from its own reasons but - truthfully - it seems like something that we're still, as a global society, beyond words bad at.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Nov 2011, 5:52 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I was very pro-British way a while ago, but I just changed my mind, the British way is goat-sh**.

Here's a proof how much i was pro-british way: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt77685.html

I am now with alex's view on this, even if most girls find this idea somewhat repellent: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt77903.html , it doesn't matter, a girl who accepts to go out with you doesn't have (and wouldn't care) to know how many girls you asked during the latest months.

A guy in the British way would be like ;__; "I ll be always be her friend, I love her, ;___; , will she love me one day? are those interest signs? ;___: , I 'll wait few months more :cry: : boohooo" ----> f**k that!
The more you would be attached to her, the more the moment of the truth would be scarier and the more the possible reject would be horrible.

The American way is based on the initial chemistry, it's more "YES/NO?" if it's there then to advance, if not then nothing, pure and simple - I like it, I like simplicity and straightforwardness, and here number is crucial, because more number ==> higher the probability.

Anyways, local girls tend to like more the american way of asking out: direct asking out , that's how they casually fool around during their 20s till they get married whether by some arranged marriage with some immigrant or some fatto gulf Arab ( lol ) or being lucky enough to to marry some guy they love but who would be 'blessed' by the the parents at the same time.

I've used the American way with the last two girls I liked, they indirectly rejected (one who actually indirectly made the first initiation but she flaked out a day before - twice, the other girl declined politely).

It was much better, less time-consuming, not much drama afterwards. And I am pretty sure that their final responses would be the same if I followed the British way, so why bother and get attached before anything?

I never said that the American way of it isn't right for some people - its not a one-size-fits-all either. In my own case - if I were just looking for *a* girl the American system would be perfect, looking for a specific kind of girl though, the American system sucks.


Trial and error might is what teaches you want you really want and what specific kind of girl to seek.


Quote:
Also, I don't see any link between the British way and being obsequiously up a girl's arse and getting hurt. You have the chance to socialize with someone, feel out who they are, and the signs you'll get from them - if you can read body language - will be based on what they actually see of 'you' rather than simply a surface skim of you; that's what I find invaluable. If you can both tell that you like the idea of each other but aren't attracted - great, move on. If you can tell that one's attracted and the other isn't, great, move on. My own experience with the American system has been aweful though, particularly in that they're always interested for the wrong reasons and when they have flirted in the past I could never trust that they had the first clue what they were doing and who I was, any time I gave them the benefit of the doubt I found out, soundly, that they didn't have a clue or weren't happy that who I was wasn't who they projected on to me. What I think the American system encourages are people who are whole-hat walking stereotypes of what they genetically look like they should be, and if you aren't a whole hat stereotype of who you look like it means you need to break and bust whatever is in you - good or bad - that gets in the way of that happening. That also means that if you're an inherent novelty and if there's little or nothing you can do about it and if cutting off and selling pieces of yourself isn't feasible, you realize that you simply need to opt out and plan living the rest of your life alone because the whole game is antithetical to how your mind, body, and genes allow you to function.


How old are you techstepgenr8tion? Aren't you over 30 already? and you're still single and inexperienced, no?

So what this approach brought you so far? You're not immortal, remember?

It's time for you to CHANGE strategy.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 11 Nov 2011, 6:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

SoftlyStepping
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11 Nov 2011, 6:02 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Online dating seems like the other extreme of bad - you get to know each other without any guarantee or signal of the most upfront unchangeable part which is chemistry.


Chemistry is possible between any man and woman. It's biological.

And skill. Skill helps.



blueroses
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11 Nov 2011, 6:25 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
How older you techstepgenr8tion? Aren't you over 30 already? and you're still single and inexperienced, no?

So what this approach brought you so far? You're not immortal, remember?


Lol, what is it with you and telling people they're old and need to get their acts together? If I recall, you did that to me the other day for being 28 and not knowing yet if I want kids.



techstepgenr8tion
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11 Nov 2011, 6:27 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I never said that the American way of it isn't right for some people - its not a one-size-fits-all either. In my own case - if I were just looking for *a* girl the American system would be perfect, looking for a specific kind of girl though, the American system sucks.


Trial and error might is what teaches you want you really want and what specific kind of girl to seek.[/quote]
If that's available.


The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
How older you techstepgenr8tion? Aren't you over 30 already? and you're still single and inexperienced, no?

So what this approach brought you so far? You're not immortal, remember?

It's time for you to CHANGE strategy.

Lol, which strategy is that?

For a laundry list of reasons and really self-knowledge I'm not looking anymore and yes, I know the consequences and what 'opting out' means.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Nov 2011, 6:30 pm

blueroses wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
How older you techstepgenr8tion? Aren't you over 30 already? and you're still single and inexperienced, no?

So what this approach brought you so far? You're not immortal, remember?


Lol, what is it with you and telling people they're old and need to get their acts together? If I recall, you did that to me the other day for being 28 and not knowing yet if I want kids.


I am your new wise guru. :P



blueroses
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11 Nov 2011, 6:38 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Lol, which strategy is that?

For a laundry list of reasons and really self-knowledge I'm not looking anymore and yes, I know the consequences and what 'opting out' means.


Sounds like your strategy is to try out that old adage about finding the right person when you're not looking.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Nov 2011, 6:40 pm

blueroses wrote:
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Lol, which strategy is that?

For a laundry list of reasons and really self-knowledge I'm not looking anymore and yes, I know the consequences and what 'opting out' means.


Sounds like your strategy is to try out that old adage about finding the right person when you're not looking*.


*Passively looking.

;p



techstepgenr8tion
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11 Nov 2011, 6:41 pm

SoftlyStepping wrote:
Chemistry is possible between any man and woman. It's biological.

I've got loads of experience to the contrary.

SoftlyStepping wrote:
And skill. Skill helps.

That misses a heck of a lot. People who end up on the outside permanently tend to fall into maybe four categories that I've noticed:

1) Low genetic ceiling on performance, ie. dorks who literally don't have it in them to be anything else.
2) Too intelligent - too far up the bell curve and get bored with anyone they meet.
3) To rare a personality or identity, tough to relate to.
4) (mostly for guys) Been too attractive too long, it went to their heads, and consequently got spoiled - can't settle on anyone.

I'm mostly 3 with maybe a dash of 2 and some 1 in the autonomic nervous senses. These are things as well that you don't and can't change yourself on, you can try smashing yourself down into something you aren't but even if you were about climbing upward, being something better than you are, and just do-or-die making it happen, you find out the hard way that no - your genes have a preference, you're pushing on an elastic wall, you'll run yourself ragged trying to stay outside your center and you'll start losing functioning on other areas as you do that. Then, the minute you relax, you slide right back to square one.

I've learned the hard way: there's no one else for me to be and there's nowhere else for my life to be right now. That said I'll let other people beat themselves over the heads with hypotheticals - I know I spent entirely too much of my life doing that and I'm done with it.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Nov 2011, 6:44 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
SoftlyStepping wrote:
Chemistry is possible between any man and woman. It's biological.

I've got loads of experience to the contrary.

SoftlyStepping wrote:
And skill. Skill helps.

That misses a heck of a lot. People who end up on the outside permanently tend to fall into maybe four categories that I've noticed:

1) Low genetic ceiling on performance, ie. dorks who literally don't have it in them to be anything else.
2) Too intelligent - too far up the bell curve and get bored with anyone they meet.
3) To rare a personality or identity, tough to relate to.
4) (mostly for guys) Been too attractive too long, it went to their heads, and consequently got spoiled - can't settle on anyone.

I'm mostly 3 with maybe a dash of 2 and some 1 in the autonomic nervous senses. These are things as well that you don't and can't change yourself on, you can try smashing yourself down into something you aren't but even if you were about climbing upward, being something better than you are, and just do-or-die making it happen, you find out the hard way that no - your genes have a preference, you're pushing on an elastic wall, you'll run yourself ragged trying to stay outside your center and you'll start losing functioning on other areas as you do that. Then, the minute you relax, you slide right back to square one.

I've learned the hard way: there's no one else for me to be and there's nowhere else for my life to be right now. That said I'll let other people beat themselves over the heads with hypotheticals - I know I spent entirely too much of my life doing that and I'm done with it.


Spent too much time doing what? the American way or the British way?



techstepgenr8tion
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11 Nov 2011, 6:48 pm

blueroses wrote:
Sounds like your strategy is to try out that old adage about finding the right person when you're not looking.

I'm not even a big believer in that. My understanding of hope is that it makes me bipolar, it keeps me imbalanced and miserable, and I find myself much more stable, sane, and even confident when I can cut the contingencies and 'what ifs'. I'm too good at beating myself to dust even as a determinist, with a full internal locus of control it goes into overdrive and I just about blame myself for not being everywhere at once let alone not checking the Monday night reels on Sunday.


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techstepgenr8tion
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11 Nov 2011, 6:49 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Spent too much time doing what? the American way or the British way?

Trying to conform to the American way. It was an abject fail.


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blueroses
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11 Nov 2011, 6:52 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
blueroses wrote:
Sounds like your strategy is to try out that old adage about finding the right person when you're not looking.

I'm not even a big believer in that. My understanding of hope is that it makes me bipolar, it keeps me imbalanced and miserable, and I find myself much more stable, sane, and even confident when I can cut the contingencies and 'what ifs'. I'm too good at beating myself to dust even as a determinist, with a full internal locus of control it goes into overdrive and I just about blame myself for not being everywhere at once let alone not checking the Monday night reels on Sunday.


Ok, I guess it doesn't work for people who don't really want to be found.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Nov 2011, 6:54 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Spent too much time doing what? the American way or the British way?

Trying to conform to the American way. It was an abject fail.


Well, in that case, you've tried :(.



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11 Nov 2011, 7:06 pm

For a girl to love me I have to make her feel safe. That means we have to get into fun but risky situations where I'm the most reassuring thing around. I have no idea how this could possibly occur on a date.